27. Jez
CHAPTER 27
Jez
My set of the Leeds show is almost over, and it’s gone so well with my heat calmed and settled by Nico earlier on the bus. I’m about to launch into my penultimate tune when the applause from the last one roars into a crowd rush toward the stage.
I’m on the edge of the catwalk. I have plenty of space. I am fine. No one’s climbing up here. Security is alert.
But I know by now that claustrophobia isn’t rational. The fear’s bigger than any actual, and it’s not just about being uncomfortable with tight spaces. It’s a fear of how I’ll be if something goes wrong.
I watch the press of the crowd suddenly overwhelm the two security guards directly below me, and that’s when my heel catches on the stage light. I crumple to my knee—nowhere close, really, to toppling into the crowd.
But that doesn’t matter.
My anxiety rushes over me like a tidal wave. Alarm bells sound in my head and my face feels hot and detached from my body. I fall on my backside, my acoustic guitar around me still. I’m grateful I didn’t damage it, but I sit there in shock until Shay runs out with a bottle of water.
She turns to Murray and makes a show of clapping her hands over her head to the beat of his drums, leading into the song I was about to start. She’s pulled me to my feet but the shivers going down my spine and the restrictive tightness in my chest makes it hard to breathe as I walk back toward the mic. Once I’m behind it, I can see the security guards have received reinforcements and peace has been restored.
But in that moment, what happened?
“Apologies, guys,” I say as clearly as I can into the mic. “Fighting a cold I think. Throat’s gone dry. Let me start that one again.”
I know the camera showed me on the big screen but I have to believe that at least half the crowd was on their phone, grabbing their drink, fixing their dress, or otherwise not fully engaged in the seconds that happened. I’m not so much embarrassed about the fall as I am about the crowd knowing why I fell. That I panicked. That I have claustrophobia and anxiety to a degree that makes this the most preposterous career choice. Maybe only an elevator repair or a Channel Tunnel train driver job would be worse.
I start to strum, and then sing, as Shay oohs and ahhs on the background vocals.
Three months ago
you said you’d know
by now what it was you were after.
Well now we’re sat here,
with truth nowhere near,
and fate doesn’t have any answers…
The crowd sings along, as they’ve done on this song the past few nights, and that momentum keeps my body and voice going. But my spirit is crushed. This fall along with whatever videos and cruelty is posted online is sure to make tonight a flop. I felt more confident after being with Nico, but not having proper rest, or a clear head, or control of my heat because of my own sloppy mistake has caught up with me. Taunting me.
You don’t deserve to be here. You never have.
Maybe I can finally admit that to myself.
* * *
The crowd cheers as I leave and it’s probably for that reason. I saw no signs or banners for me, nothing apart from one woman wearing a JEZ shirt with my profile on it, part of the merch that Ash had organized last minute.
It’s cute, but it’s also weird, seeing my face on someone’s chest. I was grateful for that one fan, because right now it feels like she might be the only one in the world.
As I head offstage and hand my Taylor to the guitar tech with a whispered thank you, I focus on one thing only: holding my head high and the smile in place on my cheeks. I sense Thomas and Nico in the wings, having watched at least the end of my terrible set, but I don’t look their way.
Caylee is at my shoulder immediately. “All right?”
“I just need a minute,” I say. “Viv.”
Caylee nods and walks briskly at my side down the back corridor to my dressing room. She unlocks it and nods to the security outside, and ushers me in the room.
“Do you want anything? Food?”
I shake my head, then remember to smile. “Thanks, Caylee.”
“You bet. I’ll check back in fifteen, that okay?”
I nod and am already ringing Viv’s phone.
Then as soon as the door shuts, I cancel the call and take a deep breath.
The last thing I want is Viv thinking I can’t handle this without her. She’s still in hospital until tomorrow at least, anyhow, and I’m not depriving her of any rest time.
I grab a fizzy water from the fridge and sit in a knackered armchair to twist the cap. To be fair, the pre-heat nausea knocked me sideways but it’s mostly gone. Now it’s more or less waves of molten lava rippling from the center of my outward, and a reckless urge I can barely contain. But with it sometimes comes the pounding sensation of entrapment.
Though despite that, it’s not because of heat that I long for Holden’s confident touch, or Thomas’s dark, sparkling gaze, or Nico’s mischievous mouth and unwavering support.
Or Kai’s skin to touch mine once more, this time not in public, not an agonizing, searing twist of pain in my core. But a caress, a grip on my body, his knot pressed against me before filling me with all of him.
I shake myself. Those things are the opposite of the answer to these problems. I have to do this by myself. Have to. To prove, by myself, that I can be professional, can carry this opening slot that I earned through hard work. And no anxiety, no fear, no goddamned Alpha boys will make me weaken my resolve again.
I need full control of me, and that’s something no one else can give.
* * *
At my request, Caylee gets me to the bus and into my bedroom at the back with no run-ins with Fable. They must understand I need to be alone, and whether they’re happy about it or not, that’s the truth.
She makes sure I’m fine and says she’ll report back to Ash and Ferny. I thank her, and as soon as she’s away and I’m set up with a plastic takeaway container of fruit salad and a small side of salmon and a can of seltzer, I switch on my MMO and log in to my character.
Yfrette has been my alter-ego for years now, and it’s been the best way to unwind. Nothing to do with the real world, and even when the real world’s been going great, like after a successful gig and an after-party with Viv, or a morning run along a coast somewhere on my songwriting holidays, I still enjoy shutting off the outside and diving into my head.
Many of my songs sprang from seeds of ideas that germinated while inhabiting Yfrette. So I don’t discount it as an indulgence, and thankfully, after a while, Viv didn’t either. She’s so not a gamer girl, and really, I’m not either. I’ve always loved video games but I’m not one to post videos of myself playing—or watch other people. I just like to escape.
It’s 1:30 before I start to doze off at the controller though, and that’s when Azalaun logs in. He appears on the mountainside where Yfrette is mining luminous ore, and we start up our usual chat.
“You okay?” Azalaun says.
“It’s been a day, shall we say.”
“Same here. Want to talk about it?”
I don’t, really. And we hardly ever exchange personal info. This is what I’ve loved, but I don’t want to be rude, either. Maybe he wants to talk about his.
“I’d rather just mine ore, but I am absolutely all ears if you want to chat about yours? We can have a mine-and-bitch session if you want?” I type.
After a moment, Azalaun pulls out his pick and starts mining in the mountainside next to me. His stack builds up pretty fast because his equipment is several levels above Yfrette’s.
Once he’s got a pile rivaling mine, he replies: “No, I’m good. Just wanted to check on you. And I see you haven’t opened the latest message I sent you. Can I ask a huge favor?”
“Of course,” I reply.
“Don’t open it. Delete it without reading it.”
Huh. That’s weird. “Did you send an item with it by accident?” You can attach items like weapons or armor or magic items as gifts and send them in in-game letters to friends.
“Yeah, I sent you something I wanted to use on a bigger gift to send you, and if you open this and see it, it’ll spoil the surprise. Sorry about that. I promise to send something you CAN open next time :)”
I chuckle to myself, and do as he asks.
“Okay, done. And I’m looking forward to this other surprise.”
“For right now, let’s just have a mine-and-chill session instead.”
“Sounds good to me,” I reply, and we mine for a while in silence, then start to race. He’s way ahead of me. At the end of a half hour, he gives me everything he’s mined anyhow, then says he’ll see me tomorrow. A puzzling comment since we don’t see each other more than a few times a week, but I’ll be sure to log in anyhow.
I wish it could be like this is real life, with Alphas. With Fable on Fire. Helping each other out without having any strings attached. Holden and Thomas and Nico were all lovely, and acted so genuine, making me feel truly safe. But whether they want there to be strings or not, they’re there, dangling, and always will be. Ulterior motives, outside influences, fans.
If these strings are ever going to be cut, something tells me Kai would need to be the one who does it.