Chapter Twenty-Four – Kayla #2
Except… even as I think it, even as I try to accept that explanation in my head, it sounds like a lie. If anything, I want to kiss Hayden again. I want to feel those hands of his roam across my body, much like they did in the dream.
And I want to do the same with Bradford.
It’s not easy for me to admit that, not even to myself. I’m not someone who likes to rely on other people for anything, but when it comes to affection, to love… I have no experience whatsoever. My heart has never been open for business, and neither has my body.
What are those two men doing to me? Where’s the undo button?
I don’t know what time it is, but I hope it’s early enough that no one else is awake just yet.
I throw the covers off me, and when I do so, I’m assaulted by my own scent even more.
Rose petals and almonds. Who knew my scent would be so sweet, and that I’d instinctively know exactly what it brings to mind?
Getting to my feet, I go to grab some fresh clothes—just a pair of leggings and a shirt, nothing too fancy—and I tuck the new clothes beneath my arm as I head to the door.
I suck in a hard breath and turn the knob.
Behind me, early morning light streams through the windowpanes, but I think it’s before sunrise. I might be able to hide this.
But that thought comes too soon, for the moment I step out into the hall, I hear Hayden’s voice: “Kayla, you okay?”
I freeze, immediately tensing up. The bathroom is less than a few strides away, but I’m a deer in headlights as Hayden emerges from his room.
His door must’ve been open already, because I didn’t hear it.
I don’t turn to face him. I can’t. The only thing I can do is clutch my clean clothes beneath my arm as the lifeline they are.
But it doesn’t matter. Lifeline or not, I’m found out.
Hayden stops a good ten feet away from me, his body stiffening up all over. He must finally realize the smell in the air, that it’s me, and though there aren’t any lights on in the hall, I swear I see those pupils dilate. “You—”
“It was just a dream,” I whisper. “Just… just a dream.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince more: me or him.
In the end, it doesn’t matter, because he regains mobility soon after, and in the blink of an eye, he’s in front of me, blocking my easy path to the bathroom. His hands are tense at his sides, as if he’s mentally waging war with himself and trying not to touch me.
I swallow, unable to meet his stare. If I do, I fear what I’ll say, what I’ll want. This is real. This isn’t a dream. I can’t forget that. Dreams don’t have consequences, but real-life choices do, and I don’t want Hayden to feel as though he needs to…
To be with me.
He shouldn’t be pressured to do anything, to feel anything. Someone like him could have anyone he wants. Why would he ever want a no-name omega like me?
“Kayla,” he says my name again, except this time he sounds remarkably close to the Hayden of my dreams, the one that made it more than clear he wanted me every which way possible.
“I’m not a man who loses control, but if I’m honest here, smelling you right now is making it very, very hard to keep my cool. ”
I meet his stare, and I find he’s one hundred percent serious. The way his body is angled in toward mine, he’s clearly ready to snatch me up and carry me back to the bed. The thing is, I’m sure he would, if I asked him to.
But I couldn’t.
It takes a lot out of me to sound calm when I say, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to… to make you feel like that.”
With a shake of his head, he says, “How many times do I have to tell you to stop apologizing? I meant every word I told you yesterday, and I meant every word I said before that. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re—” He lets out an explosive sigh that rattles my core. “—you’re perfect.”
It’s the same thing he told me in my dream. How is that possible? How can he stand there and say that to me as if it’s no big deal? I want—God, I want everything I shouldn’t, and that’s the problem. Girls like me don’t get happy endings.
I shake my head, ready to try to refute his claim that I’m perfect. As far as I know, and I like to think I know myself pretty damn well, I’m far from perfect. I’ll never be perfect. I’m as messed up as someone could be, and Hayden deserves better.
Of course, it doesn’t occur to me that it’s basically the same thing Bradford told me, and that Hayden might feel the same way I felt when being told that.
Hayden, however, doesn’t let me speak. “No. I know what you’re going to say, so let me stop you right there.
” He takes another step closer to me, and his hands go for my face, cupping my cheeks, again, in much the same way he did in my dream.
“You are perfect. You are, and I’m so goddamn sorry you haven’t lived the life you should have.
I’m so fucking sorry you don’t believe you deserve anything.
You are perfect, Kayla, and I’ll tell you that as many times as it takes, until you believe it—and then I’ll keep telling it to you. ”
The vehemence behind his words, the urgency laced with each one, brings water to my eyes. I can blame his words, the hormones in me, or the fact that the walls I built up are crumbling down around me.
My eyes aren’t dry anymore. A single tear escapes and falls down my cheek, landing on one of his fingers, given our position.
“This isn’t me tripping over myself because I don’t have a mate.
I’m not here because I’m desperate for anyone to call mine.
I’m here because of you, because it’s you.
I told you from the moment I first saw you, I knew something was there.
It wasn’t an accident that landed us here together. It was fate, and you can’t fight fate.”
Such declarations belong in movies, not in a life like mine. Am I still dreaming? Did I imagine waking up? This can’t be real. Hayden has to be a figment of my imagination. Alphas like him don’t exist.
But he’s here, and his hands are on my face, his skin warming me up, his words doing the same. He’s real.
“You’re mine,” he whispers. “You’re so mine. I’ll say it however many times I have to if it’ll help it sink in. You’re mine, and I want nothing more than to fall to my knees and make you forget everything outside of this house.”
I don’t know how he can say those things with such seriousness, and I don’t know how I can believe him, just like that.
Like he says nothing but facts, and it’s something I’ve known this entire time deep within my core.
All this time, all these years, I was waiting to meet him, for our paths to cross.
If I’m his, he’s mine.
Fighting it is so hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
Harder than starving myself for years on end, harder than surviving my brother and his anger.
So much harder than everything put together, and it finally dawns on me, in that moment: I don’t want to fight it anymore.
I don’t want to fix these walls of mine.
I’m tired, and I want nothing more than to belong.
For the first time in my life, I want to be happy.
“If you tell me to stop, I’ll stop,” Hayden says.
“But if you give me the green light, I swear to you, I’ll go like I’ve never gone before.
I’ll do everything for you. I’ll keep you safe.
You will never have to worry about anything ever again, that’s a promise.
I told you this before, but I need you to know I mean it one hundred and ten percent. ”
The urgency in his voice is plain, and yet if I tell him no, he’ll stop—and the thing is, I know he would. I know he wouldn’t push me past the point I’m comfortable with. It would be hard for him, but he’d pull himself back and let me take the lead here.
Or… I could give in and let him lead me.
Let’s be honest here, I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going.
I don’t know how to handle any of this. It might be new for the both of us, but Hayden seems like a much better leader than me.
Even if it’s the blind leading the blind, I’d follow him wherever he went.
“I—” It’s not the easiest thing for me to speak, especially with those hands of his still cupping my face, those eyes of his boring down into me and peering into my soul, but I manage.
“—I don’t want you to stop.” It’s all I can say right now.
Maybe someday I won’t be as tongue-tied when under his spell, but today is not that day.
Or maybe that day will never arrive, and he’ll always make me feel like this.
“Then let me take care of you,” he whispers, and those hands of his drop from my face.
Again, it’s just like my dream; he takes me by the hand and leads me into my room, to the bed and the damp sheets I abandoned not too long ago.
When we reach the side of the bed, he gently takes the clothes from under the crook of my arm and sets them on the nightstand.
Hayden pulls down the top blanket and exposes the damp area on the bed, and his chest rumbles. “This is nothing to feel ashamed of, Kayla. Your slick is… it’s enough to make me lose my mind.”
I still think it’s kind of weird and a little gross, but maybe that’s just because it’s my first time leaking any such fluids. It is a normal thing for omegas, but I went this long without gushing once, so… I’m definitely not used to it.
He pulls me against him as he whispers, “If you change your mind, just say the word, okay?”
I nod, unable to say anything else.
His hands work diligently to take off my pajamas and everything underneath.
It’s not as easy as undoing a towel, but he manages to do it pretty fast. My shirt comes off first, then the bra underneath, and when it’s time to slide my pajama pants down my legs, he drops to his knees and guides them with firm, strong hands.