Chapter 14 #3
Half of me doesn’t even believe this moment is real, and the other half is trying to figure out how I’ll survive this. The worst part is knowing this is how I left Plum. This is what she felt when I walked away.
I spent five years replaying my decision to break up with her before leaving, and I always found an excuse to justify it. Now, as the sun sets fully and darkness consumes me, I can’t fucking think of a single reason that’s good enough anymore.
Maybe I didn’t deserve Plum back then, but she gave her heart to me anyway.
She’s right. I took all of my insecurities and projected them onto her, convincing myself she would see me as unworthy.
Convincing myself that the only way to become worthy was to sacrifice our love, to show her I was willing to do anything to give her the life she deserved.
Another sob escapes my chest, the world spinning until I drop my hands to the dirt and suck in air I don’t think I deserve. The irony is not lost on me. The thought that I didn’t deserve Plum because I wasn’t worthy of her as a broke beta, being the entire reason I fucking lost her.
Fuck, watching her the last few weeks has been killing me. It was hell, knowing I was the cause of her pain. That I’m the reason she hardly fucking trusts anyone. But with Benson and Nick, she was different—lighter, comfortable.
More like the girl I once knew, and less like the person I hurt.
“Fuck,” I gasp, choking on another sob. It’s hard as fuck to breathe when your airway is clogged from crying. Snot runs down my face, and I have to take my shirt off to clean myself. I must look fucking pathetic. I deserve it.
I scoff. There it is again. Thoughts of what I do and don’t deserve.
She was magnificent, though. Even as she cried, I saw her strength. Instead of hiding her pain and pretending it wasn’t there, she brought it to the light and let me see all of it. It’s something I’ll never forget.
Plum will never forgive me, but she shouldn’t have had to show me all of her scars for me to realize how badly I fucked everything up. I should’ve been smart enough to see it for myself.
I can’t go back into that house. Not tonight. I don’t even know how I’ll be able to return on Saturday for the first wedding party dinner.
I’m not surprised when my best friend’s scent hits me. He’s a stalker in the most loving way possible. I was gone too long, and he probably created some insane story in his mind…
“Thought I was going to find your dead body out here,” Val grunts. “This might be worse…” I can hear the tightness in his throat. Even to me, my scent smells like I’m dying. Acidic, like I’m eating myself from the inside out.
Maybe I am.
I can’t bring myself to speak, barely managing to turn my head, looking up at him from my hands and knees.
“Jesus, Kai,” he whispers, dropping to his knees beside me and pulling me in for a hug. It feels like being strangled by iron bars. He’s not used to showing this kind of affection. I must look as bad as I feel if he’s hugging me right now.
“That bad?” I manage to grunt through a tight throat.
“Worse,” he hisses. My best friend holds me like that for so long that my hands start to go numb, but it helps my breathing return to normal. At some point, my tears dry up. I think, after a while, your body won’t let you keep crying when it starts to do more damage than good.
My body and mind feel the way I imagine a corpse might feel if it were conscious after death. Empty. No real thoughts, no real emotions, just an all-consuming void.
I guess I’m thankful for that, because on the other side of the void is nothing but pain. I thought it hurt to walk away from Plum five years ago. That moment was nothing compared to this one. That’s what I did to her.
This is what I did to Plum…
“I’m not letting you out of my sight. You’re reckless enough to do some dumb shit,” Val grumbles, helping me to my feet.
“You should go back in there. Your mate will come looking for you soon,” I say, not really caring about anything one way or the other. But I know that when the numb void wears off, I will care. And I’m already carrying more guilt than I know what to do with; I can’t take any more.
“She already did,” Stella murmurs beside Val. I didn’t even notice her. I have no idea how long she’s been out here. “We’re not leaving you, Kai.” She’s fierce for such a small woman. Bossy, for an omega.
“You have to,” I tell them honestly. “I need some time to…” decompose, I think, but I don’t tell her that part. “Disassociate.” Close enough, and also true. I don’t have a lot left to give, and if they don’t walk away now, then there won’t be any part of me remaining to care if they leave or not.
“I can’t go back in there,” I add, a twinge of panic lighting up my chest just enough to keep me from taking another step forward.
Val’s got my arm slung over his shoulders and huffs when I pull away. Plum cannot see me like this. I put her through enough. She told me to leave, so that’s what I’m going to do.
“Take my mom home,” I say, trying to get them to leave me here. I picked Bee up right before dinner, and if I just leave, she’ll be worried. However, if Plum seeing me in this state is the worst thing that can happen now, then my mother witnessing my mental breakdown is the second.
I can’t drive like this, but maybe I can walk…
“I’m staying with you, jackass.” Val shrugs, crossing his arms over his chest. The stubborn fuck.
“I’ll ask Sable to give your mom a ride home,” Stella offers, leaning into her mate. She sounds nasally, and I realize she’s breathing through her mouth to avoid my scent.
“You can’t even stand the smell of my scent, Stella,” I murmur, glancing back down to the ground, unable to meet her eyes.
“So we spray you with a scent blocker.” Val shrugs, making Stella gasp as she pokes her manicured nail into his side. “What? I’m not leaving him like this.”
“I know. But be nicer, he’s… um…” Stella trails off, and I can feel her eyes on me as she whispers to Val. “Not okay.”
I don’t hear whatever Val says to her after that. I’m not listening anymore, as all of my thoughts take me back in time. Back to a time before I ruined everything.
All I see is Plum. All I can think about is Plum.
There’s nothing left except how badly I miss her and the realization that I’m going to spend the rest of my life missing her.
In fifty years, maybe more, if I make it that long, I’ll still be missing Plum.
She’ll move on, maybe become a mother. Maybe even a grandmother one day. She’ll grow and love and change with the years and fill her life with laughter and joy, but I’ll be here.
On my knees in the dirt, watching her walk away.
Watching her leave me behind.