Chapter 3
Chapter Three
THREE MONTHS LATER
Is it too early for another anxiety med?
How many can I take before I fall asleep where I stand?
I don’t think that one was enough. It got me out of the house, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to climb into the town car that sits at the curb.
There’s a line that separates my front path from the sidewalk, but it may as well be a chasm for how wide it feels.
Thirty seconds. Can I do it for thirty seconds?
What would Sax say?
I can do anything for thirty seconds. One foot after the other.
We haven’t been able to talk since we signed the show’s contract. I couldn’t even tell him I was signing it. Not that he’s tried to call. They had to have given him the same directive.
But it’ll be worth it.
Just two more days. Or is it three? Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I have to take those fifteen steps to the curb.
I’m sure the driver is pissed at me because I can’t seem to make my feet move, judging by the way he looks at his watch as he stands outside the passenger side door. I do feel bad that he’s been holding open for five minutes. If I weren’t “the talent”, I bet he would’ve driven off by now.
But he’s an Alpha.
I’m not even on the sidewalk, and I’m about to run into my first Alpha.
It’s a nightmare. My actual nightmare.
Why would they send an Alpha to pick me up? I told them not to. They promised to keep me away from Alphas. They know that I can’t do it. It’s hard enough to leave, I can’t also be around a bunch of Alphas.
But Sax is going to be there.
I say his name like a prayer, an encouragement that I sorely need.
I’m going to get to meet Sax.
“Ariana, you need to get in the car. You’re expected on the plane soon.” Drew’s voice is kind through my phone. He’s the production coordinator of Knot What You Expected, who has been assigned to me while I’m on the show.
He’s also the one who sent the town car.
They chartered me a private flight to Georgia for filming, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have to get in this car.
“The driver is an Alpha! I told you, I need a Beta driver.”
I understand that I’m being difficult, I do, but this was one of my concessions to keep me from backing out of filming.
My first phone call with the Expected team was rough. I explained to them that I had never applied and therefore could not do the show. They did not like hearing that.
Apparently, Marlie had given them all the information they needed to find Sax, and he had already agreed to meet me. I felt like I couldn’t back out once they told me that.
He wanted to meet me.
Over the years, my relationship with Sax has evolved, and no matter what’s been happening in our lives, we’ve always made time for one another.
Except when we were nineteen, he went quiet, responding to texts with a few one-word answers and promises to catch up soon.
I assumed it was because he started college, joined a fraternity, and was outgrowing his internet friend.
He came back to me a few months later, all apologies for pulling back.
I forgave him, because, of course, I did.
He’s Sax.
He’s been there with me through everything, supported me with every step I made.
And they’ve been so hard to take sometimes.
After Calvin’s death, my relationship with my mother was strained because he looked just like her. How could I look into her eyes when all I saw was his, dim and glassy when they disconnected his life support?
We used to be so close, and now she feels like a stranger.
Or maybe I’m the stranger.
I don’t know who I am in a world without Calvin.
“I understand, but not all requests can be accommodated. We’ve done our best to reduce the number of Alphas on set, but our hands are tied. We’ve got contracts and unions we’re dealing with, here. But Paul has a bonded Omega. It’s why we chose him.”
I understand what he’s saying. Logically, it makes sense.
But anxiety isn’t logical. It doesn’t care about sense. It cares that my home is safe, and that the car is not. My home has no Alphas, and that car will.
I can’t do this.
I can’t.
Sax will understand, won’t he?
What would he say if I could call him right now?
Baby, sometimes a step can feel like a mile, and it’s okay if it takes you some time to take them.
I take one step closer to Paul.
“What if I scent match him?” My voice is so low that it’s a shock Drew can hear me.
“If, on the very slim chance you scent match with Paul, we’ll figure out what we can do to keep you safe and healthy, Ariana. I know you don’t know me from Adam, but I promise I have your best interests at heart here.”
“You have the show’s best interests at heart.” I’m pissed, but I take another step forward.
Walking into a world where my brother isn’t breathing anymore feels like peeling off a layer of my skin.
I’ll survive, but at what cost?
“You need to be here, Ariana. I cannot tell you anything more than that, just that I know you need to do the show.”
Drew has said something like that a few times, implying that it’s important for me to come on Knot What You Expected, and I don’t get the vibe that it’s about ratings.
I take another step forward.
Sax used to get so disappointed when I didn’t go out. Maybe disappointed is the wrong word. He wanted more for me than a life behind doors. He told me that the world deserved to see my sunlight.
I told him I was a storm cloud the world didn’t ask for.
One day, he stopped asking me whether I was going out that day. After a while, even the Omega-only hours at coffee shops and grocery stores were too much.
But why would I need to leave my house?
The internet is incredible; I can have everything I need delivered and still attend my therapy appointments with Dr. Frank on video call.
Of course, he also says I need to leave my house, but what does he know?
Okay, so he knows a lot. But that doesn’t mean he’s right. Maybe if I were truly unable and afraid to go outside, he would be, but that’s not it.
I’m not afraid. I know the world isn’t out to get me. It’s just anxiety. I could leave if I wanted to.
But I don’t want to.
Because I know that if I go outside, I could run into an Alpha.
And that Alpha could be my scent match.
And then if something happens to that Alpha, I could get Foresaken Omega Syndrome.
And I’d die.
And my parents would lose their only living child.
Really, I’ve been locking myself up in my home for my parents’ sake.
It’s easier to stay inside where it’s safe, where I don’t have to worry about the potential of death just because my biology is wired to need an Alpha.
So it’s not that I’m afraid to leave my house. The situation is far more nuanced than that, and Dr. Frank understands.
Most of the time.
I take another step.
I haven’t been this far away from my front door in three years, when I had a delivery driver leave my groceries at the end of my driveway instead of on the stoop. It was shitty, and it took me two hours to get them, but I managed.
It’s how I know I can leave my house if I want to.
Baby, sometimes a step can feel like a mile, and it’s okay if it takes you some time to take them.
Sax’s words are a mantra, running through my mind every time I lift my foot.
I want to do this, don’t I?
I want to meet Sax.
I don’t want to be a prisoner in my home, my body, my mind.
Okay.
One more step.
One.
More.
Step.
“Could you… Can I close my own door?” I ask Paul, still several feet from the door.
Paul nods, the expression on his face morphing from frustrated to kind, as he circles the car and slides into the driver’s seat.
“There we go,” Drew’s gentle voice fills my ear. “You’re doing so great. You’ve got this, Ariana.”
“And when I get there, only Betas?” I confirm, my hand on the car door. “You promise?”
“Several of the light and sound crew are Alphas, but Bridgette and Bradley are Betas, so are your hair and makeup artists for the introduction interview. We’re doing our best, but you did sign a contract that we could not be held liable for exposure to Alpha pheromones.”
That contract was non-negotiable for them. I had a lawyer look it over, and they said it was enforceable, but that it was only going to be used if I came after the network for emotional distress or medical bills, should I unfortunately develop FOS from Alpha exposure.
I didn’t feel great putting my signature on that line, but I did. Almost like I was signing away my life.
It’s worth it, though, because I’m going to see Sax.
I’m going to see Sax.
I slide onto the bench seat in the back of the car, and it takes me another minute of deep breaths and Drew encouraging me in my ear before I can pull the door closed.
As if worried I’m going to leap out of the car at any moment, Paul doesn’t wait for me to put on my seatbelt before driving me away from safety.
“This is where you’ll be staying until you move into the Expected house.” Drew scans a keycard and opens the door to a boring and basic room that looks like it’s from a mid-level chain hotel, with its mass-produced art and a chair in a corner that may or may not be for cuckolding.
The room is plain, with a bathroom, a sitting area, and a bed all shoved into a small space like a studio apartment, but I’m not concerned. I’ll only be here for two days before I move into the house.
The flight here was atrocious. Paul sat in the farthest seat away from me, and I spent most of it with headphones on, blaring music through noise-cancelling headphones, a hoodie pulled over my head, and my face in my e-reader.
Anything to try to help me forget that I was in the air and not on my comfortable couch.
Now that I’m here, having taken three anxiety meds right at the recommended time between doses, I’m going to try my best to make the most of this.
Even if I flinch every time someone walks beside me.
This will be worth it.
I’m going to meet Sax.
It will be worth it. It has to be.
The Expected house is the focal piece of the compound Paul drove me to once we arrived.
Several small buildings have been built around it, including this one.
The crew lives in a lot of them because they film four seasons in a six-month period, which means they have one to air every quarter.
Once filming starts, the property goes on lockdown.
Everyone comes onto Expected knowing they will have to stay an entire week in the house, and a few days before it for filming extras and interviews. America loves a peek into the beginning of a relationship, and into the difficulties the couple faces as they uncover the lies they’ve both told.
Knowing I have to be away from my home, from my room, for over a week, makes my skin itch. One benefit of having a crew around is that I don’t want to make a fool of myself by having a meltdown in front of the cameras, so I’m fighting to keep myself together.
I think it’s working.
Mostly.
There have been some tears.
Okay, there have been a lot of tears. But I have managed not to scream. That’s a win, right?
“You did great today, Ariana. We’re going to do our best to make sure this is a good experience for you. Now, get some rest. Hair and makeup will arrive at six tomorrow morning to get you ready for your entrance interview.” Drew backs out of the door slowly as he talks.
The Beta is handsome, in his early fifties, with greys running through his black hair at the temples.
I liked him the moment I heard his voice, and being around him has done a lot to calm me.
I was surprised to find out his scent was soft, almost like baby powder.
He’s short and slim, and meeting him for the first time helped relax a lot of the tension I had from the trip out here.
The door closes behind him with a click. I’m alone. I’m by myself in a strange place. A place that I am not supposed to be.
Alarms are blaring in my head, demanding I open the door and run out.
I can’t be here.
I can’t do this.
I’m going to meet Sax.
I’m going to meet Sax.
Baby, sometimes a step can feel like a mile, and it’s okay if it takes you some time to take them.
I flop onto the bed and lie back, staring at the ceiling. It is not my ceiling.
I’m not in my home.
This is not my room.
I’m not in my home.
But I’m alive.
I made it.
I did it.
And soon, I will get to meet Sax.