Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
It took me ages to fall asleep last night. How was I supposed to relax after telling Derrick I love him?
Oh my God, I told him I love him.
It wasn’t even a conscious decision. It just fell out of my mouth.
There was no way I could stick around on the call after that. I don’t have any answers to the questions he was sure to ask.
Love does not equal forgiveness. I can separate the two in my head. My heart? That’s a different story.
But I recognize the undeniable affection I have for Derrick, even as I need to keep him at arm’s length. The difference between this morning and the last is that now I know I have the capacity to forgive him.
It’s going to take some time.
But it’s possible.
Just like it’s possible that I already love Grant and Ivan.
Sometimes, when Ivan talks, I can recognize it as something Sax said.
Ivan calls me sweetie.
Grant calls me baby.
Derrick calls me honey.
Sax called me all three.
If I had my phone, I bet I could scroll up and point out messages from each of them because of that.
“It’s going to be okay, baby. I know you can handle this.”
“Sweetie, you’re the smartest person I know. You have nothing to worry about.”
“Alright, honey. I’ll agree with you. This time.”
“You awake, sweetie?” Ivan is at the door, and his use of the pet name has my heart fluttering.
“Yeah, let me get dressed.”
“Oh, don’t put yourself out on my account. I’m happy to come in now.”
God, his flirting is going to be the death of me. Since the heat spike, I’ve fought not to think about the guys that way, but it is really hard.
“Don’t be weird!” Grant’s voice sounds far away, but I can still hear him chastising his Alpha.
Five minutes later, I’ve brushed my teeth and put a bra on and head into the living area. I don’t bother with my contacts. I’ll do that after I shower.
“She’s alive!” Ivan dramatically throws himself at me, stopping short of falling to my feet. “We worried that something was wrong when you ran straight into your room after the interview.”
Right. I need to tell them about the call.
“I didn’t mean to worry y’all.” Grant hands me a coffee before my ass hits the chair. I don’t have to sip it to know he made it exactly the way I like it. “It wasn’t an interview. It was a phone call from Derrick.”
My Beta’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline. “Shit, really? What did he say?”
“A lot. We argued a bit, too.”
Ivan snorts into the espresso cup that looks like a toy in his big hands. “I expect nothing less.”
Do I tell them I told him I loved him?
Shouldn’t they know that? They’re in a pack. Don’t they share everything?
“I don’t know how packs work. Like, is it an everything is an open book thing? No keeping secrets?”
Grant waggles his hand. He doesn’t seem put off by my question.
“We don’t like keeping secrets, but we don’t have to tell each other everything, either.
It’s kind of a need-to-know basis. Like, if it will affect us all, we’ll tell each other, but if it doesn’t?
There’s nothing wrong with holding some things to your chest.”
So that’s the question. Will my telling Derrick I love him affect the guys?
It will, won’t it?
He’s their packmate, and he loves me, and I told him the same. Regardless of how much his lies hurt me, I cannot imagine my life without him. All of them, if I’m being honest with myself.
They’re all Sax. I love parts and pieces of each of them.
It’s easier to admit it about Derrick, since he was the first, and his is the voice I heard and face I saw.
But when I reminisce about those moments, Ivan and Grant are now there too.
“I told Derrick I love him.”
It’s like ripping off a bandage. The words leave me wincing with their sting.
When I get up the guts to look at the guys, I’m not sure what I expected to see.
It wasn’t to see Ivan’s face lit up, his smile so wide I can practically see his molars, and Grant gazing at me with soft, wet eyes like I am a miracle, a soft smile curving his lips.
It’s not long before Ivan’s excitement spills out into crowded words.
“So you forgive him? This… we can work? You’re willing to give us a real try?”
“I don’t think I forgive him, not yet. But I am not opposed to it. I’m willing to give him a shot at making it up to me.”
Grant adjusts himself in his chair, opening his chest up to me. “What does that mean for us?”
I run my fingers through my unruly hair, looking everywhere but either of them. “It means I want to know you. I want to… date? Court? Give this the good ol’ college try.”
Oh my God I need to stop talking.
I can hear Grant smothering a laugh. “Take a crack at it.”
“Oh, I’ll crack something for you.” Ivan winks at me, overexaggerated and flirty.
A laugh bursts out of me, and it quickly devolves into a fit of giggles that I cannot seem to stop. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, and I’m clutching my stomach as I bend over.
Grant smacks Ivan’s chest with the back of his hand. “You broke her, you weirdo.”
“I did not. I made her laugh. Which I’ve done several times now, thank you very much.”
“By being crude. Again. She’s going to think you’re a pervert.”
Ivan shrugs. “I am a pervert. For you. For her.” He wiggles his eyebrows and leans across the table.
“I cannot help it that I’m surrounded by sexy people.
I only have so much self-control. You get it, right, Ariana?
I mean… look at him.” Ivan gestures up and down Grant’s body, making the Beta flush red. “I am but an Alpha, after all.”
There’s only one part of their pack dynamic I never got around to asking about. “So, Ivan. Do you and Derrick…”
Ivan looks like he caught a whiff of something bad. “Ew. No. I’m not into Alphas. It’s hot to watch the two of them together and share Grant, but Derrick and I are strictly platonic.”
This conversation is only possible because the two are unashamed about how they feel for one another. There are so many ways to be together, especially within a pack, that being shy is doing everyone a disservice.
Not that I know much about relationships.
In our culture, sex doesn’t matter much when it comes to people’s preferences. Designations drive attractiveness, and there tends to be little preference for the genitals a person has.
There are groups that are trying to change that. One Alpha, one Omega purists who don’t believe in packs. And there are people who think Alphas and male Betas shouldn’t be together because there is no chance for procreation.
Not that I thought the guys would be like that, but it’s nice to have it confirmed.
“It works out well,” Ivan continues. “I’m a voyeur, Grant is an exhibitionist. Everyone wins.”
This is news to me. Derrick was the one I had spicy conversations with, and he didn’t share either of those things with me.
But he did share something.
“Is Derrick the only one who is into, uhm…” I can’t believe I’m asking this on television. This is essentially admitting I had phone sex with Derrick multiple times. Do they know that? I’m sure they do.
I clear my throat and take a sip of my coffee before I continue. “Is he the only one into orgasm control and bondage?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s all him.” Grant’s voice is dreamy, almost nostalgic. He’s obviously been on the receiving end of that more than a few times. “Ivan is the exact opposite.”
“What’s the opposite of bondage?”
Ivan perches himself on the table in front of me. “Liberty, I guess.” How he says that with a straight face is beyond me. “Freedom to move around. But that’s not really what Grant meant, because I also enjoy having someone tied up and at my mercy.”
My Beta’s cheeks turn a pretty shade of pink. “Forced orgasms. Probably more than you could ever want. It’s a fun but frustrating tag team they play. Derrick is refusing to let you come, but Ivan is trying to pull as many out of you as he can. They make it a competition.”
I cannot imagine how that works, and if I try, I’m going to have another heat spike. I don’t want to go through that on camera again.
Oh. Shit. We’re on camera.
I point at the camera mounted on the front of the fridge, even though there are hidden ones all over. That one is just the most visible. “Guys, we’ve been talking about this on camera. America is about to know what you’re into in bed.”
Grant shrugs and places his empty mug on the table. “I’m not ashamed of it. If someone wants to talk shit because of something consensual and fun that we do, that’s on them. We’re all adults. Besides, you haven’t told us yours yet. So you’re still safe.”
Ivan leans forward and brushes some of my hair out of my eyes. “Don’t use the camera as an excuse not to reciprocate, Ariana. We showed you ours, now it’s time for you to show yours.”