TWENTY SEVEN
Bella
A couple weeks turns into a couple months, and the phone calls I make go unanswered. I know I’m calling at shitty times, when he’s likely to be asleep or at work.
I know when he calls back, I’m busy. Tied up in meetings or rehearsals or whatever other bullshit seems to get in the way.
I hate it.
I miss him terribly.
The reality is, I have to get my career back on track. Most directors are hesitant to work with me after my walkouts. Roksana is having a bitch of a time lining up a contract with anything resembling the kind of project I’m after. When we finally land something, I know I have to take it. But filming starts in less than a week, leaving me precious little time to get back to London and see Will. I have just enough time for a layover.
It’s only when I get off the flight I realize I’m not even sure if he’s expecting me. I left a message, of course, but we haven’t spoken properly in weeks.
We still have to have the conversation about my travel to Dubrovnik to film in three days’ time.
Most of my luggage is already on its way there. I have only a small piece of hand luggage and the present I brought for Will with me in the car.
Glancing at the time, I decide to try the shop first. It’s the middle of the day. He’s more likely to be at work than at home, but I don’t want to wait another moment.
When the driver turns down Portobello Road a surge of feeling swells in my chest. A combination of homesickness and affection for this little patch of London. When we pull up outside the old bookstore, I’m full of butterflies. I clutch the parcel to my chest and step out of the car, imagining the look on his face when he sees me.
The bell on the door rings as I enter the shop. Will is behind the counter, brown fringe falling into his face as he writes something on a notepad in front of him.
He looks up and I can see the moment it hits him.
His eyes grow wide. The corners of his mouth lift like my spirits and I’m bursting with the urge to rush into his arms. “Hi.”
Suddenly, I’m all shy like this is the first time we’ve met.
My fingertips tingle with energy and my palms are sweaty.
“Bella!” Will stands. “What are you doing here?”
I almost recoil at his words. But I know we haven’t been in touch. He wasn’t expecting me. That’s all. “I got some time between projects. I—I wanted to come and see you.” I step toward him, not knowing whether I should hug him or not.
Then I remember the parcel. I hold it out. “I brought you this. It’s a gift.”
He frowns. “Thank you. What is it?”
“Oh, a book. It’s just a silly thing, really, but I saw it and it made me think of you.”
“Thank you,” he says again. He doesn’t open it.
An awkward silence fills the space, pushing between us.
Something’s not right here. “Am I interrupting?” There’s no one else in the shop.
Will runs a hand through his hair. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy. Then Roksana lined up my next job, and it’s filming in Dubrovnik next week. But I’ve been looking forward to seeing you.”
He sighs. “To be honest, I thought you’d forgotten about me.”
My mouth drops open. “Never! How could I forget you? Will, you know what you mean to me.”
He shifts uncomfortably. “Actually, I don’t. I know you like me, but that’s the thing, Bella. It might be selfish, but that’s not enough for me. Not nearly enough.”
My hand is trembling when I lift it to brush a strand of hair from my face. “What are you saying?”
“I don’t think I can do this.” His voice cracks as he says the words.
I stare at him. Wasn’t he the one talking about fated mates? About never not loving me? “Will, please. I know my life is a mess. I’m a mess. I know we haven’t spoken properly for a while, but I promise I was thinking of you. I never stopped thinking of you.”
He looks as if he’s going to take a step toward me, but at the last moment he seems to stop himself. “I thought of you too, but that’s just it. I end up hurt. I’m competing for your attention with so many thousands of people and I’m losing.”
This can’t be happening. He’s become my rock. My warm blanket. The thought I cling to when my days are hard and I need a little more strength to make it to the end. But have I told him any of that? I have to make him see. “That’s all just bullshit, Will. The fame. The fans. At the end of the day, I’m not a movie star. I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wolf, asking him to love her.”
Will looks agonized in the silence.
“Bella I—” He breaks off and scrubs a hand over his face. “It’s not that simple for me.”
“It’s not?”
“You see when you leave, you’re not really gone. You’re everywhere. On a poster at the cinema, on my newsfeed every time I turn on a screen. There’s a constant of what I’ve lost. Of what was never really mine to begin with. I just don’t think I can keep doing that.”
I don’t say anything for a long time. What can I say?
I want to tell him I’ll never leave, but I’ll have to. He’s being unfair, but at the same time, I never expected anyone to deal with the bullshit of my life. Why should he?
“OK.” I brush my sweaty hands over my skirt. “Good. Good decision.” I don’t even know what happens next. All I know is I have to get out of here. “I’m sorry to have bothered you.”
I rush out of the store before I can hear him reply. If he even tries. Maybe he only stands there and watches me go.
I slam the door of the car and cover my face with my hands. “The Grande Hotel, please. As quick as you can.”
That’s all I can manage before the bitter tears sting my eyes and I sob into my hands all the way there.