Chapter 40
CHAPTER FORTY
Kenny
K it knew something was off the minute I got home last night. He curled up next to me in the bed, and though I’d tossed and turned, he hadn’t left.
Now he was curled into a ball on the floor near my clothes from last night and some sick part of me wondered if he’d done so because those clothes smelled a little like Liz. And she generally smelled great, so why wouldn’t he? Plus he seemed about as obsessed as I was whenever she came over.
“I know. I knowwww. I might’ve completely shot myself in the foot, which would be really annoying to then have another limb difference.” I thought of her assurance last night, how clear and direct it had been, how reassured I’d felt about something I hadn’t even realized I was worried about.
The little beast didn’t so much as raise his head and I smashed a pillow over my face and let out a groan. Flashes of memory assaulted me—the taste of her, her body next to mine, the places I’d touched her and she me. Good grief, it was far less than a teenage make out and yet it’d been some of the hottest moments of my life to date and had left me desperately wanting more.
And yet knowing with utter and crushing certainty that if I took what I wanted—and that she wanted to give—I would be crushed myself. Being with her like that on top of all these feelings… I was a fairly simple man and that would gut me.
Was it cowardly? Maybe. I could admit it. I was increasingly terrified of what it’d be like when she left despite how much I wanted everything with her while she was here. I’d been on this path, barreling toward this end with absolute certainty, and I’d somehow managed to accept it. I’d allowed myself to live in a dream and deny the loud voice saying this wouldn’t work. And now, surprise surprise, here I was, facing down heartbreak because sure enough, the temporary thing was in fact temporary.
“Listen, I don’t blame you for your silent judgement, but I could really use some loves,” I said, waiting for the sounds of him moving. He tended to be pretty responsive to my voice, but the fact he hadn’t rejoined me on the bed yet had me continue talking.
“I promise I’ll talk to Luc and Stone. I swear. And I mean, hopefully I’ll see her today, even though I feel like an idiot and a jerk and a total…” I didn’t know. Would she hate me? She had seemed to understand without me saying the words, but in the light of day, would she get it?
And would she want to spend time with me if sex was off the table? Thus far, it hadn’t been an issue, but I could now recognize the reason I hadn’t made a move. Some part of me had known this was how I’d feel and I hadn’t wanted to confront it and risk ruining the time we had left.
“Dude, I need some kitty loves.” I scratched my fingers on the duvet cover, hoping to lure him in, and propped up my pillows higher to glare down at him.
And then he trotted into the room and launched up onto the bed and I may or may not have let out a screech.
“Where the crap did you just come from?” I glanced down at the little black spot I’d been talking to and had fully believed was my cat, then at the actual cat, who took a swat at my feet as they moved under the covers.
I jumped out of bed and went to investigate, then cracked up. At first, it was a small chuckle, but then, when I picked up the black boxer briefs I’d left discarded with my jeans last night when I’d changed before bed, I laughed so hard it freaked out the actual cat on my bed and he bolted back out of the room.
“Guess that’s part of the charm of a black cat,” I said, wiping at my eyes and glad for the laughter. I’d felt so heavy and restless all night. I’d hardly slept and all I wanted was to hear from Liz, but all I worried about was the very real possibility I wouldn’t.
I went about making some breakfast and getting coffee. It’d been a while since I’d sat out on the back deck and took in the space so I bundled up and slipped out onto the porch, shrugging off the memories of the night I’d brought Liz here for s’mores.
We had a surprising number of memories for the not quite two months she’d been here. Granted, I’d been a persistent little pest in her life, but she’d been willing to have me there, hadn’t she?
My phone buzzed and I grabbed it, answering before I fully registered it was an unknown number with a Nevada area code.
“Hey, Kenneth. How are you?”
My mom’s voice startled me, and dread held me in place in my chair.
“Mom.” No point in pretending I was glad to hear from her.
“Well, how are you, son? You still hanging around with that celebrity, Jack something? He still in town?”
My hackles rose instantly. Did she think I was an idiot? I knew she wasn’t, despite how she’d played it over the years. She knew how to shape people, how to manipulate them, and it’d taken me years to see it.
“Why are you really calling?” I braced, waiting for her to say.
“Can’t a mother call her son?”
“Not when she hasn’t done so in more than six years. Don’t you think it’s a little odd, this call coming after so long?”
“We’ve just reconnected. I thought we could do it different this time,” she said, enough pleading in her voice to make me second-guess myself.
“I don’t know if that’s possible,” I said, not all that interested in trying, but enough of an optimist I couldn’t simply hang up on her.
“You’ve gotten used to spending your time with people you think are better than us, is that it? All your fancy Army friends and all those celebrities and such? Never knew I raised such an ungrateful boy.”
Ah. There it was.
The irony here, aside from the fact that several of my “fancy Army friends” had grown up poorer than me, was in how I’d never been all that interested in material wealth. From the youngest age, I’d wanted security and I’d wanted love. When I thought I’d found it with Shay, I’d clung to it. And when I lost it? I had no reason to stay connected to her or my family, who’d tossed me out like they had not only no love lost for me, but no use for me.
The truth was that she’d called to get something from me and now she’d heard I wasn’t going to offer up another check or anything else she could use, she had no use for me.
Sounds about right.
“I think we’re done here, Mom. Have a nice life.” I hung up and leaned back against the Adirondack chair, my gaze rising to the towering mountains, and reveled in the feeling of being dwarfed by them.
Right now, my family, Liz’s imminent leaving… they felt like monstrous problems to face. But sitting here in the shadow of these peaks that’d been here for centuries, it reminded me my problems weren’t so huge. They weren’t lasting. They wouldn’t outlast me just like I wouldn’t outlast these mountains.
And that gave me hope.
I headed back inside and knew what I needed to do. No more moping around alone, no more wishing I could change my past, my family, or what felt like my inevitable future heartbreak. No more thinking about the problems.
I needed my friends, a few romcoms, and maybe some high-quality home-baked goods.