Chapter 12 #2
Andrew hadn’t liked to cook. Because of that he had never offered to help her in the kitchen when she insisted on having a home cooked meal. He either sat and watched a game while she did the cooking. Or, as he preferred, ordered food to be delivered.
This, working side by side with Knox to produce a meal they were going to eat together, was a different form of intimacy. But it was intimacy.
“You were a soldier?” Ellie prompted once the two of them were seated opposite each other at the long marble breakfast bar, enjoying the food they had prepared.
“Years ago.” He shrugged. “Soldiering and being a full-time dad don’t really go together.”
“So you gave up being a soldier to be with Millie Rose.”
“Absolutely,” he said without regret. “Millie Rose was…she was everything to me.”
Ellie heard the emotional catch in his voice. “I am so sorry you lost her.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. “I’m already sure this delicious food isn’t going to make the curry stage.” He abruptly changed the subject as he helped himself to some more of the bolognese. “Just so I know, are you going to eat the garlic bread you made? Because if you don’t, I can’t either.”
She eyed him curiously. “Why can’t you?”
“Well, it really all depends on whether you’ve decided you’re going to share my bedroom or use one of the spare rooms.”
“I don’t— Knox!” she admonished once she realized what he meant regarding the garlic bread and whether they would be sleeping together. One of them having garlic breath wouldn’t be conducive to that closeness and falling asleep in each other’s arms.
Although if she shared Knox’s bed, she doubted they would be doing much sleeping.
Would that be such a bad thing?
She already knew that Knox was a generous and inventive lover.
One she wanted to spend time in bed with?
God yes!
It had been six months since her relationship ended, and there’d been no one else since then. Besides, she already knew how wantonly she responded to Knox, and she wanted more of that warmth and closeness with him. Only with him.
Things hadn’t always been good between her and Andrew during their nine-year relationship, but Ellie had never so much as looked at another man during that time. Since Knox came into her life, she found it hard to look at anything or anybody else, because his very presence demanded she didn’t.
Knox was…all-consuming. In looks, in the intensity of his manner, and in the way he didn’t try to hide his attraction to her.
She shook her head. “I’m really not sure any of this is a good idea…”
“But?”
She frowned. “I didn’t add a but.”
“The hesitation in your voice implied it was there.”
She chewed her bottom lip. “What do you want from me, Knox?”
“Everything.”
Her eyes widened. “What does that mean?”
“It means I want your now, your future, your everything.”
Ellie stared at him for several long seconds before speaking huskily. “You have no idea how much I want that too.”
“I hear another silent but…?”
She smiled sadly. “I also want babies.” She saw the flare of alarm in Knox’s eyes before it was hidden away in the depths of his dark eyes. “You don’t.”
“I’ve never said that.”
“You don’t need to,” she soothed. “But I can’t be in another relationship where what I want is just pushed aside or ignored altogether.”
She had made a promise to herself that if she ever fell in love or entered another long-term relationship, with or without marriage, she wouldn’t allow her wishes to be dismissed as they had been with Andrew. One of the things she wanted was to have babies of her own.
Knox was fourteen years older than her and had already gone through marriage and having a child once. No doubt when Millie Rose died, he had made an equally important promise to himself that he would never have any more children who could leave and break his heart.
He released a shaky breath. “I would never ignore what you wanted.”
“You wouldn’t mean to,” Ellie acknowledged gently.
“But your feelings about not wanting any more children are as valid as my own of wanting them, and they simply aren’t compatible.
We aren’t compatible.” She stood up to carry the dirty plates to the dishwasher.
“I think that answers the question of where I’m going to sleep tonight. ”
“Leave those,” Knox said harshly when she opened the dishwasher. “You cooked. I’ll clear away.”
“We both—”
“Ellie, please just leave it and go upstairs and unpack your things.” His voice sounded strained.
“The spare bedrooms are on the right of the hallway. I need some time to think.” He forced a tight smile.
“Forgive me. I didn’t expect you in my life, but now that you are, I find I have some serious thinking I need to do if this… we are to go any further.”
It was a little early for Ellie to go to bed, but she appreciated that Knox needed some time to himself.
She was an intruder in his apartment, after all.
She would do as he suggested and go upstairs and unpack.
She then intended to soak in a leisurely bath for as long as she wanted, and then read in bed if it was still early.
While Knox wanted time to think, she needed that same time to take her mind off thoughts of him.
* * *
Knox’s movements were robotic as he cleared away the dishes, something he had done many times before and didn’t have to put any thought into at all.
Which was just as well, because Ellie had given him plenty to think about.
And he did, long and hard as he sat in the sitting area holding a glass of whisky he never actually finished.
He knew and had instantly recognized his attraction to her. Almost a week of being unable to resist thinking about her had only deepened those feelings. He had fallen for her even more when she became so protective of his feelings during their visit to Geoff and Karen.
They were absolutely explosive together on a physical level. He had never responded so deeply with any other woman and from the way Ellie had responded he believed it was the same for her.
But somehow, between their first meeting and today, he had forgotten Ellie was still young and not forty-three and jaded like he was. That her one bad relationship hadn’t robbed her of her dreams the way it had him.
It was perfectly normal for Ellie to want to have children of her own.
Beautiful babies, possibly a boy and a girl, with her gorgeous aqua-blue eyes, lovely blonde hair, and that killer smile.
Knox wanted that so badly too, he could envisage Ellie, still hot and sweaty from hours of childbirth, but utterly radiant as she held their child in her arms.
Millie Rose had been born with red hair and eyes as dark as his own. The red of her hair had deepened as she got older, and there had been freckles on her cheeks and nose, but her eyes had remained that dark brown.
She had been beautiful, and Knox had loved her with a fierceness that had almost killed him when she died.
He had promised himself then that he could never go through such a deep loss ever again.
But now he was in love with a woman who was young enough to want children of her own, and Ellie shouldn’t, for any reason, ever have to settle for less than the fulfillment of those dreams she had for her future.
He could see her now, abdomen swollen with their child and a contented smile curving those pillowy lips as she looked at him with love in her eyes.
He could almost taste that same feeling of contentment within himself.
Fuck it!
He wanted Ellie, loved Ellie, and whatever she wanted, if it was within his power, he would willingly give it to her.
Including babies?
Hell, yes. Now that the idea was growing, exploding inside him, he was finding it difficult to think of anything else.
He wanted that, hungered for that, as long as Ellie was the mother of those children.
Because whatever heartache the two of them did or didn’t encounter, he had absolutely no doubt they would get through it.
Together.
He needed to tell Ellie that. To—
His cell phone began to vibrate in the pocket of his jeans.
What the fuck…?
A glance at the caller ID told him he needed to take this call.
Knox glanced longingly up the stairs to where Ellie was currently soaking naked in the bath. He had heard her running it half an hour ago but hadn’t heard the release of that water telling him she had got out of the bath.
Damn it, he’d just ignore the call. If it was important, Linus would call again.
Right now, it was more important that he speak to Ellie.