9
Vaseline in large quantity
I was very tired of the damn party…
I received over nine hundred kisses, four hundred fifty congratulations, and a million good wishes for my fertility. Did they think I was a field where they could plant lettuce?
I was about to be arrested by the new National Police unit dedicated to forgery crimes because of all the fake smiles in those damn photos, and, to top it off, someone decided it was best to seat the adorable son of hell next to me during the entire holy meal, instead of at the kids” table.
The kid didn”t open his mouth, he just gave me looks of disgust that I couldn”t return because on the other side was the Capo, who kept watching my reactions.
I endured like a champ the three or four kicks that the kid accidentally let slip under the table, but after the fourth, a pinch of my nails took away his desire to continue kicking me.
My behavior might not have been what was expected of an adult, but his wasn”t very kind either. If things continued this way, I would soon be running out of time to find him a boarding school, regardless of how his father might react.
I watched as Massimo leaned over to the boy and urged him to say something. Adriano pursed his lips and turned to me.
”I”m sorry about the stomping earlier.”
I was bringing a piece of steak to my mouth. The little rascal was apologizing just to please his grandfather, because he didn”t mention a thing about the little kicks.
I paused my motion, thinking that I also shouldn”t foster a hostile environment, at least for now.
”Maybe that”s your way of expressing yourself, and you have a hidden talent. We could sign you up for flamenco; with that strength in your legs, you might be a dance genius.” He looked at me as if he were about to vomit the breaded steak he had just eaten.
”I hate dancing.”
”What do you like?” I asked, noticing the approval on my father-in-law”s face.
”Dogs, we have one.”
”I”m allergic,” I commented, taking the bloody piece of meat and swallowing it defiantly, almost without chewing.
His eyes widened as if he expected me to say I”d have the animal sacrificed.
”Well, then, you sleep in the doghouse, but Brutus stays.” I nearly choked. Damn kid telling me to sleep in the doghouse.
”Adriano…” his grandfather warned in a cautionary tone.
”What?! She wants to kick him out, I can see it in her eyes! She”s the new one! So if she doesn”t like Brutus, she can leave.”
The kid had guts; he almost made me smile. The truth was, I wasn”t that allergic, nothing an antihistamine couldn”t handle. I brought the wine glass to my lips to swallow.
”Nikita isn”t going anywhere because she”s your new mother,” Massimo added. That almost made me choke.
”She is not my mother and never will be!” he shouted, standing up. The chair fell over due to the young boy”s anger. I felt like telling him not to get upset, that we agreed on this point. I didn”t want him to be my son— ”She”s silly, blonde, doesn”t like dogs, and is dressed like a giant snowball. I hate snow! I don”t like it!” ”Great!”
”Adriano!” his father scolded, who was sitting on my other side. ”Apologize immediately!” The boy slipped under the table and ran off. My new husband clenched his fists.
”Forgive him, bella, my grandson doesn”t know what he”s saying, he needs the sweetness of a woman like you.” He took my hand and kissed it.
”It”s okay, if there”s one thing children have, it”s that they are at least honest and say what they think at the moment, a pity that gets lost eventually,” I added, glancing sideways at Romeo. I almost added the tail end: ”as has happened with his father, who loves to deceive women.” ”I”m going to the restroom, if you”ll excuse me.” My father-in-law stood to pull back my chair and set up the one his grandson had knocked over.
I gave him a nod and left the room where I was suffocating.
All those people kept shouting, laughing, celebrating a sham I didn”t feel and of which I was the protagonist.
I passed by Andrey subtly and gave him a look.
My man waited a few seconds before following the same path I had taken.
I looked for a discreet place where I could fit with that increasingly uncomfortable dress. Fortunately, there was an adjacent room that was empty; I didn”t think twice and slipped in.
My man arrived promptly.
”Madam, is something wrong?” He was clearly on edge.
”I want a complete report on my husband, from the damn hour his mother went into labor to his last medical check-up. I want everything. Habits, friends, schedules, the whore he”s probably sleeping with, and of course, who Adriano”s mother is and where the hell she is.”
”Understood, madam.”
”I want it yesterday, so you”d better get to work. I haven”t done things well, I was too obsessed with Mentium and those mangy dogs of the press to focus properly on what”s important. I”ve overlooked the most essential thing, which is to breathe the same way as your enemy, to blend in with him. I want to soak up every detail, no matter how trivial it might seem.”
”It won”t be too difficult, after all, you”re going to be sleeping together.” ?I gave him an icy look? ”I”m sorry, I shouldn”t have said that.”
”No, you shouldn”t have.”
”My apologies. Is there anything else you need?”
”For now, no, when you have everything, send it to me by email, I don”t want physical documents that could end up in his hands.”
”Yes, madam.”
”You can go back to the party.”
”At your command.”
I waited for Andrey to leave. I rubbed the back of my neck. I was too agitated to return to the room like this; it would be best if I went to the bathroom first, as I had told my tablemates. As soon as I stepped into the hallway, I realized that R was standing in front of the door, watching me. I looked at him defiantly, not knowing how long he had been there.
”If you”ve done your business in there, we have a problem,” he joked. His hands were in his pockets and his gaze was laden with intent. If he looked handsome in casual wear, in a suit he was irresistible, I couldn”t deny that.
”I was lost,” I responded, playing innocent.
”And your man came to rescue you?” he emphasized ”your man” before moving dangerously close to me, like a predator, I could almost feel his breath on my lips.
”No, he came to do the handkerchief test, you jerk.” I knew that gypsy tradition, I had seen a documentary on TV once that struck me. I assumed that living in Spain, he would know it too.
”Very funny, but we both know that more than one has been through that body.” His hand reached up and grabbed my neck firmly. I flinched.
”And does that bother you?”
”I don”t give a shit about that. However, I do hope that if you mess with him, at least, don”t fuck him here.” His thumb slid over the place where my pulse raced.
”I”ll keep that in mind.” I wasn”t going to give him the satisfaction of telling him that I had never slept with any of my men.
”The bathroom”s right there, dear.”
”Thanks, I need it, with so much love from you, I got the cramps.”
I moved away from him and went in the correct direction.
Did he hear me? Did he know what I had just asked Andrey? From his words, it didn”t seem so, but it also didn”t change anything if he knew; I had every right to know about the man I had just married.
I opened the bathroom door and slipped inside.
It was a big bathroom, with a small entryway before reaching the vanity area. I heard a few feminine giggles that made me stop dead as I heard their comments.
”Have you seen her? That dress is as vulgar as she is. She looked like a gypsy bride with all that sparkle and the gemstones on the veil. With how much R hates ostentation, he”s gone and married a walking light bulb.”
”She must have been trying to dazzle him and achieved the opposite effect. Did you see the stomping the kid gave her in front of all the guests? I almost died laughing, it”s clear he can”t stand her.”
”And when she didn”t even know the name of the man she was marrying?”
”Pathetic, what an embarrassment. I don”t know how she didn”t die of shame.”
”Why do you think R agreed to marry her?”
”Interests. Massimo pressured him, you know, she owns a pharmaceutical company and several businesses... Not that I know too much, R and I don”t talk about those things.”
”Sure, he keeps you too busy with his miniR in your mouth.”
”There”s nothing mini about it, he almost dislocated my jaw the other day.” *”I”m going to dislocate that bitch”s jaw,”* I clenched my fists.
”Doesn”t it bother you that he got married?”
”Why would it bother me? He hasn”t broken up with me, a sign that the Russian means nothing to him, he probably won”t even sleep with her.”
I had heard enough. My husband could sleep with the priest who officiated the ceremony for all I cared, but what I wasn”t going to tolerate was his mistress taking me for a fool.
I walked in on the pair of harpies, who gasped upon seeing me. If I had my weapon with me, and it weren”t my wedding day, I wouldn”t hesitate to point it at them until they pissed themselves with fear.
I didn”t know which of the two was sleeping with my husband until I recognized the voice of the friend, who addressed me.
”Um... Hello, c... congratulations. We were just talking about your dress, it”s a model that leaves no one indifferent,” she commented, trying to divert my attention.
I looked at each of them intently.
”Yes, exactly like your comments. You might want to slather them in vaseline, just in case I decide to shove them up your asses one by one so they don”t get stuck.”
Both were left breathless. The friend blushed a bit, and R”s mistress looked at me, lifting that nose too sharp not to have been sculpted by a surgeon.
”We haven”t said anything that isn”t true.”
Redhead, operated on, and siliconed, a delight for the senses. Romeo must like his women in installments.
”I haven”t either. There are those who are lactose intolerant and those who are intolerant of idiots; guess which group I belong to?” I threatened. They both put their lipsticks back into their ridiculous little handbags. ”I”m Russian, not stupid. Plus, I”m in a good mood today; otherwise, you”d already have one of my bullets in you, and I”m not bluffing.” I saw her waver, and the friend trembled. I would have loved to grab her by her hairpiece, tear it off, and wipe that smile off her face against the marble of the washbasin. My exercise in restraint was epic. I breathed. ”Take my advice and make sure not to cross my path again, I won”t be so lenient next time.” I clicked my tongue and pointed towards the door. ”Now, get lost, behind every great woman there are vermin criticizing her.”
If they were going to say something, they kept quiet. They bowed their heads and left before I could lose my temper.
I entered the stall with that bulky thing and almost peed myself trying to lift it. How did eighteenth-century women manage to pee with such contraptions?
I almost got stuck in the cubicle. I felt like one of those dogs they put those cone collars on to keep them from scratching when they”re operated on. Damn my mother and her bridal taste!
I was so fed up with the damn dress that as soon as I got out, bouncing like a spring, I ditched the hoop skirt, the veil, and the damn extensions.
That wasn”t me!
Luckily, someone entered the bathroom, and it turned out to be my younger sister.
”What are you doing?” she asked, seeing me struggle with my outfit.
”Don”t ask. Do me a favor, go to the reception and ask for scissors.”
”Scissors?”
”Just do it, I need a change urgently.”