Chapter 14
fourteen
Tessa
I t’s been almost a month and I miss Ethan desperately. He’d only been snowed in with me for a couple days and somehow his presence filled this old house with joy again. I’d been so sad after Granddad passed and somehow Ethan made me feel alive again.
Sam misses him, too and spends part of each morning searching from room to room, finally resting on the quilt folded on the living room couch. I haven’t had the heart to take down the tree and turn on the rotating light each night. Sam crawls onto my lap and we comfort each other in our loneliness.
The chickens don’t care. As long as they have feed they don’t care who brings it to them. I wish I could have a chicken’s attitude.
Once I’d gotten over the fact I’d pushed him away when he didn’t want to be pushed, I was too embarrassed to call him. Texting is fine for small things, but not for sorting out relationships. So we’ve had no contact. The closest I’ve come was to order a premium streaming service to be able to watch the Blade’s matches. But once the Blades announced their new team member—and it wasn’t Ethan—he disappeared. And I cancelled the service.
I unconsciously built up so much hope around the possibility of being pregnant from the one time we didn’t use a condom. Since I’ve never had regular periods, each passing day kept the hope alive. Then I cried for two days when my period started. How sad is that? I even called the Lynx office on some silly pretense just to see if he was there.
I’m a mess but I just can’t make myself care. I’m giving myself a couple of weeks then if I don’t make some headway in returning me to me, I’ll call a counselor. Might as well share how stupid I am with the world.
Oh fucking stars. Now I’m cussing. And crying again.
A vehicle pulls up in the drive. I don’t want to see anyone, so I hunker down in the couch and cover my head with the quilt. Not that anyone can see into the living room unless they tromp through the snow to peer in the picture window.
I ignore the knock at the door. As well as a more insistent second round of knocking. After the third try, I hold my breath. No more intrusions. Except, I haven’t heard the vehicle drive away.
Noise at the back door perks up Sam’s ears. Someone’s breaking in. I have no weapon and my phone is still in the bedroom. I could try and sneak down there, grab it, then lock myself in the bathroom.
Sam makes a funny noise and leaps to the floor like a much younger cat and runs toward the kitchen. I hold out my hand in silent entreaty, begging for him to come back. If anything happens to him, I don’t know what I’d do.
“Tessa?”
No. That can’t be Ethan. Oh, no, no, no. He can’t see me like this. I slide further down on the couch.
“Where is she, Sam? Show me.”
Darn cat leaps over the back of the couch right on to my stomach. I can’t stop the whoosh of air escaping from my diaphragm.
Then Ethan is on his knees by the couch reaching for me. He stops with his hands inches from my shoulders. “Tessa, honey. Shit, is this because of me? What can I do?”
“Ethan? What are you doing here?” I barely hear my own words.
“I came for you, my sweet girl.” He offers a tentative grin to Sam who is head butting Ethan’s hand. “Yes, you too, big guy.”
My hand shakes as I reach for him. “I’m so sorry.”
“No more than I am, honey.” He stills my hand and kisses my palm. “I shouldn’t have left like I did. We needed to talk. To tell each other what demons we were fighting in our own selves.”
I hold up one corner of the quilt, inviting him to join me. “I couldn’t believe that you wanted to be with me. Despite what the romance novels say, big girls don’t always get the handsome hunk.”
“Am I a handsome hunk?” He sits with his hip touching mine and tucks the quilt around us. I didn’t feel safe alone. With him sharing the colorful blanket the world can no longer touch me.
“Oh, yes. I thought that if I pretended I didn’t really care about you, then you’d leave and go on to the world you’re supposed to be a part of. Be the star you should be.”
“Tessa, I’ve always wanted you. At least since the time those teenage hormones set in. You are the perfect woman. For me. If other men can’t see that, well, it saves me from getting physical with them. I’d rather be physical with you. From now until forever. And more than wanting you, I love you. With every cell in my body. Each beat of my heart. Every thought I will ever have.
“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have left angry. I suspected what you were trying to do but I didn’t want that. I don’t want it.”
“What do you want?” Our bodies have moved closer and his heat finally chases away the chill that plagued me since he left.
“I’ve done a lot of thinking about that. And some plans. I hope you’ll approve. First, I’m retiring from playing at the end of the season.”
“What? Why? You’re so good. When you were with the Blades, and handled that puck against the Wolverines?—”
“You watched the game?”
“I, uh, I watched you. Why give that up?”
He shrugs one shoulder then wraps his arm around me. “Not that enjoyable anymore. When I was benched for an entire game, I discovered I didn’t care. Watching someone else get beat up or slapped around the ice is enough for me. Except, I really had fun when I worked with the kids.”
“Don’t you think you’ll miss it? I won’t be the reason you don’t do what you love.”
“I need you to tell me if you ever feel like that again. So we can talk it out. Make decisions together. You are an important consideration in any of my decisions from now on. Like I should be in yours.”
“Of course. But you don’t owe me anything.”
He huffs out a breath and steals my next words with a tender kiss. When I’m breathless, he lifts his mouth a bare inch from mine. “We will be equal partners, honey. Sure, sometimes you will get your way more than I will. And vice versa. Don’t you believe I love you?”
“Ethan, I do. I love you, too. It’s difficult to set aside a lifetime of not feeling important. Keep reminding me. Please.”
He nods. “Are we back on the right track?”
“Getting there. What do you plan to do after the Lynx?”
“Mr. Packard, the high school coach is retiring at the end of the school year.”
“Oh, okay?”
“I can get special certification to coach without being a teacher, too. I’ve already started that process as well as discussed the possibility with the principal and human resources.
“Did you know I studied education in college? If I take a few classes this summer, it should only take me a year to earn my teaching credentials. Rumor has it one of the English teachers is leaving in a year, so I might be able to slip right into that position, too.”
“You’re going to stay in Wildwood?”
“Unless you plan on moving. I was hoping to stay here with you.”
“Me?”
“And Sam, and the ladies. And any other animals we might want to add to the family.”
“I’ve always thought goats were cute.”
“Hmm, the pigmy ones that wear sweaters, I’ll bet.”
With my nod it feels like the huge weight of uncertainty and wishful thinking lifts from around me. “Of course. But where will we keep them?”
“That’s something else I’ve been thinking about. I have a good amount in savings. Even with paying tuition, there’s enough disposable income to build a barn for the goats. Maybe make the ladies a larger house. Definitely replace all the old, leaky windows. And…”
“And what?”
“Add a couple of bedrooms for our kids.”
My heart fills to overflowing. “Kids?”
“Our kids, honey. You know, if we’re talking kids, maybe I need to ask you something first.”
He smooths the back of a finger down my cheek. “I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. Tessa, my sweet, sweet girl, will you marry me?”
Did he just ask…?
“I didn’t plan this. I don’t have a ring. Just the question and my love.”
Capturing his face between my palms I hold him steady while I answer. “I love you. Yes, yes, yes, I’ll marry you. Ethan, my love, I need to tell you something.”
He kisses my ear. “I’ve heard everything I need to, honey.”
“When we had sex the last time and we didn’t use protection.”
His lips move to the sensitive skin of my neck. “Uh huh.”
“I hoped that I’d gotten pregnant.”
The delightful teasing stops. “Tessa? Are you?”
I wait a second but there’s no threatening tears. Still I can’t disguise my sad tone. “No.”
Standing, Ethan pulls me up after him. “Want to try again?”