Chapter Five
Victoria
"So, how are we supposed to kill time while we're stuck here?" I asked Craig as I stood beside him, drying the dishes from dinner.
Craig paused from washing the plate in his hand and shot me a sidelong glance. "I… can think of a few ways."
"Craig!" I laughed and flicked him with the towel.
"I may not be as blunt as the rest of them, but I'm still a man." He smirked. "And we have plenty of time for me to answer the question you asked in my room back at the manor."
My brows dipped in confusion. So much had happened that I didn't know what he was talking about. "What question?"
"The rope, Bunny." His tone had dropped low, and there was heat in his eyes when he turned to look at me. I couldn't help the blush that crept into my cheeks.
"I found a movie collection you guys! Az is picking one now and Leighton said there should be some popcorn in the cabinets."
"That sounds great!" I beamed, rushing to grab the last dish from Craig while Joey rifled through the cabinets until he found the snacks.
Once the dishes were dry, Craig shooed me out of the kitchen while he finished cleaning up. I made my way to the open area of the den where the couch, a loveseat, and the entertainment center were. Leighton had claimed a spot on the loveseat, so I moved to sit beside Az on the sofa. He reached his arm around me and tucked me into his side.
"What movie did you pick?" I asked, curling my feet under me and leaning into him.
"You'll see," he smiled. "Just waiting on the other two to get their asses in here so we can watch it."
"What about Rich?"
"He knocked out while you and Craig were cleaning up." Leighton sighed, watching me and Az with a sad gaze.
"Good. That's good. He needs his rest." I nodded.
"Who needs their rest?" Craig asked, strolling to the couch with Joey behind him, both carrying bowls of popcorn.
Noticing the open seat beside me, Joey elbowed Craig out of the way and raced to plop down in the empty spot on the couch. Craig made a frustrated noise before settling in on the loveseat with Leighton.
"Everyone ready?" Az asked, his face grave as he lifted the remote and brought up the menu.
The moment the menu screen popped up, I choked out a laugh, covering my mouth in an attempt to stifle it.
"Is there a problem with my movie selection, Love?"
"No, no problem." I shook my head. "I just didn't think you'd be the type of guy into ‘Up'." I snickered.
"It's a good movie." He protested. "The only people who don't love this movie are heartless bastards."
"In my wildest dreams, I'd never have pegged you for such a softy." I grinned, playfully poking him in the side.
"Come on, guys, back me up here." He groaned.
"He's right, ‘Up' is in my top five all time faves." Leighton said, causing me to shoot him an incredulous look.
"They're not wrong. It's definitely more than it looks." Joey said before shoveling a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
"Really? Well, I suppose I'll have to take your word for it. I don't generally watch kid movies." I said with a shrug.
In response, four shocked gazes turned to look at me as Az hit 'play' on the menu.
"Good thing we're about to rectify that travesty," Leighton said, settling and grabbing a handful of popcorn from Craig.
A comfortable silence fell in the room as we turned our attention to the movie. It was cute, and I found myself quickly drawn into the characters whose lives were playing out without so much as dialogue. A few minutes in, however, I could feel tears pricking my eyes, and I attempted to mask wiping them by rubbing my eyes and yawning.
It was futile; by the end of the opening credits, I was openly weeping and felt like my heart was breaking.
"What… kind of children's movie is this?" I asked between sniffles.
"A damned good one." Az replied gruffly, turning to wipe his face on his shoulder.
Joey wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a comforting squeeze. "Don't worry, Sweetheart. It won't stay like this." He reassured me with a small kiss to my temple.
"Are you over there crying, Az?" Leighton snickered as he sniffed his nose.
Az grabbed a throw pillow he'd placed beside the couch and lobbed it at Leighton with a glare.
"As if you're not, L. You get misty every time we watch this movie." Craig said, not even bothering to wipe the tears that had tracked down his cheeks.
I looked around at all of them and laughed. "Who would have thought, the big bad Horsemen are a bunch of big babies. I'm adding that to the list next to nerds with guns."
"It's an effective emotional scene, good at what it does. There's no shame in responding to it." Craig answered with a shrug. "It's what makes it a great movie."
"If you assholes are done, can we shut up and watch the damned movie now?" Az snarled.
Pressing my fist to my mouth to suppress a giggle, I settled between Az and Joey, giving my full attention to the movie. The guys' commentary petered off as they each became engrossed.
I became aware of the feeling of being moved first as I came back to consciousness slowly. The feeling of strong arms holding me pulled me out of the haziness of sleep into a panic. My first instinct was to make an escape. As I wriggled and pulled away, the arms around me gripped tighter.
"Hey, woah! Settle down, Love or you'll make me drop you. It's just me." Az's voice in my ears quieted the alarm bells going off in my brain.
"Az?"
"Open your eyes, dork, and you'll see it's just me."
My eyes flew open before narrowing on his face. "Did you really just call me ‘dork'? Are we twelve?"
"I'm not the one panicking before I've even opened my eyes to assess the situation. I'd say: if the shoe fits, wear it," he said with a smirk.
"Well, excuse the fuck outta me Az-hole . I'm sorry I'm not as used to being shot at and having my house blown up as you seem to be. It makes sense I'd be a little jumpy." I hissed.
He had the good sense to look contrite and sighed softly as he carefully opened the door to my room and carried me inside.
"I know, Love. I'm sorry… I was only teasing you. You shouldn't have to get used to those things." He said softly, setting me on the bed and stepping back.
Shifting to get under the blankets, I let my eyes wander back to Az as I settled. "I never would have guessed before tonight that you had such an ooey-gooey center."
"I told you once before, the guy you've known isn't who I really am at heart." He sighed, moving toward the bedroom door. Pausing at the threshold, he looked over his shoulder at me. "Besides, the best candies have a liquid center if you suck on them long enough."
I shook my head at him and yawned. "Oh, so you are twelve. Get out."
"Goodnight, Love." He chuckled before slipping from the room and closing the door behind him.
My pulse thundered in my ears, and my hands shook violently as I struggled to keep hold of the gun Az had given me. The man had appeared out of nowhere and was squared off with my last protector. My feet were frozen to the spot, time slowing as Az and the intruder traded blows.
Do something! I mentally screamed at myself, but my body refused to comply. In a blink, Az was grappling with the stranger, fighting to gain the upper hand. Any chance I'd had of saving us both was lost. There was no way I could risk taking a shot without potentially hitting Az instead of my actual target.
Fear gripped my throat tight as Az's legs were taken out from beneath him. My eyes were glued to them as the man pulled Az to his knees.
"Looks like your protector isn't a very good one, girlie." He said, giving me a lecherous grin.
Like a rubber band pulled too far, I snapped. Somehow, one of my stilettos was in my hand, and I suddenly threw myself toward the man while screaming Az's name. The sting of his hand didn't register until moments before I hit the floor. As if guided by a universe stacked against us, another man materialized behind Az, a gun pointed at his head.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as the newcomer barked out an order to the other intruder. I couldn't make out a single word between the ringing in my ears and the sensation I was slowly slipping free of my body to watch at a distance. One blink… I was on my feet. Two blinks… I was moving toward Az and the man who'd clearly orchestrated the attack on the manor. Three blinks… I was glancing at Az, still on his knees. Four blinks… I lifted the gun and fired.
I jolted awake, my heart pounding a violent staccato against my chest. My breaths came in pants as my eyes roved wildly, trying to take in my unfamiliar surroundings. A panicked scream caught in my throat just as I realized where I was. Leighton's family cabin, tangled in the bedding, and covered by a thin sheen of sweat. Even though I recognized where I was, I couldn't shake the lingering terror of my nightmare. The air in my room seemed too thin, and every shadow felt like it hid the next threat.
Sitting up, I untangled myself and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I needed… I wasn't sure, but I knew staying in my room wasn't it. I padded quietly across the floor, cracked the bedroom door, and peeked out. The cabin was quiet. That was good. I wasn't in any condition to face any of the guys. Taking a deep breath, I stepped from the room and silently slipped from the cabin.
When we'd first arrived, I'd caught sight of a small lake with a dock a few yards away from the house. It seemed like the perfect place to pull myself together. I winced at the gravel as I walked, regretting not taking a moment to put on shoes, but I wasn't in a hurry to go back inside, so I pressed on. A sigh of relief slipped free once my feet found the smooth wooden planks of the dock. Making my way to the end, I sat down and let my feet dangle in the water while I leaned against one of the rail posts.
I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing further by focusing on the peaceful sounds of the night around me and taking my breaths in counted measure. My hands were still shaking, but after a few minutes, I could feel some tightness in my chest release slightly.
"Can't sleep?" Craig's voice startled me, and I jumped hard as I tried to turn. I let out a yelp as I felt myself start to slide off the dock. Fortunately, he was fast enough to grab my arm and stabilize me. "Easy! It's too cold for you to take a late-night swim."
I gasped for breath. The hard work I'd done to bring myself back to a calm level was wholly shattered. "I would… say thank you, but if you weren't out here sneaking up on people, I wouldn't have needed it," I said between gasps of air. Craig chuckled lightly and sat down next to me.
"I wasn't trying to sneak up on you. I guess you didn't hear me call out to you as I was walking up."
"Obviously not." I bit out and flinched at how hard it came out. I took another deep breath and sighed heavily. "Sorry. What's got you up?"
"We're taking turns checking on things through the night, and it's my turn. What about you? It's a bit late for a stroll." His brows were knit together in a look of concern as he assessed me.
I thought for a bit about how to answer him. I knew if I told him I was having nightmares, it would worry him… and that information would make its way around all of them. I didn't want to give any of them another reason to worry. But, on the other hand, I knew these things had a way of eating a person up if they didn't talk about it. I'd seen it in the women who brought their children to the youth center. And I doubted it would be easy to find a therapist who knew how to deal with this kind of situation, given we were holed up in the middle of nowhere.
"It's the nightmares, isn't it?" he asked, his eyes studying my face as my mind weighed my options.
"How…?" I stuttered out.
"Bunny, what's happened is a lot for anyone to take in. Nightmares are kind of part and parcel with the territory. It's not an easy thing to kill a person, even someone who deserves it." His voice was soft and even a little cautious as if he was speaking to a frightened animal.
"Is the only thing the five of you do sit around and discuss what I'm up to?" I hissed, unsure why I was so angry at his obvious concern. "It's like I'm living under a fucking microscope with the five of you dissecting every little thing I do."
"It's not like that… It might have started out like that, but you know as well as I do that the situation has changed. You're important to us, and we look out for our own. And we have to do that as a team." He explained, choosing his words carefully.
"I'm alive, aren't I?" I snorted. "You five did your job."
Craig shot me an incredulous look before tugging me into his lap.
"Craig… I'm too heavy to sit on you like this." I protested.
"Shut up with that nonsense, Bunny and let me finish what I was saying." He shot back, wrapping his arms around me. "As I was saying, you mean something to us, and we take care of what's ours. Meaning, not just your physical wellbeing but your mental, emotional, and everything in between."
"Don't make it dirty." I huffed.
"I'm not Leighton," Craig chuckled. "But that does remind me. I never answered your question."
"Huh?" I squirmed in his lap, attempting to reposition myself to look at him.
"The rope. I never answered it."
"I know it's a sex thing," I groaned, rolling my eyes. "I'm not that out of touch."
He laughed outright at my comment, and I couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth. "Sometimes, but it's not just that. It's… it can be hard to explain. Can I show you something?"
I nodded, and he shifted us slightly to pull something out of his pocket. He rocked and moved us to where his back was against the post. I frowned as I realized it was a length of rope coiled up in a neat bundle.
"I thought you said this wasn't a sex thing. I'm really not in the mood right now." I raised an eyebrow and looked at him suspiciously. He rolled his eyes and used the small coil to boop me on the nose.
"Would you just hush and listen? Impatient little Bunny." He smirked as he started to unravel the neat little bundle. "Shibari and other forms of rope bondage can be… intensely erotic, but that's not all it is by any means. And that's not what I'm doing now, I'm not tone deaf."
He gently grabbed my wrist and looked like he was taking measure of my arm before pulling the rope to its full length. I was surprised by how long it was, considering the small coil it had been when he pulled it out of his pocket. He grasped the center of the rope and wrapped it around my wrist.
"Tell me to stop, and I will, okay?" He ensured I was looking him in the eye when he said it.
"You said it wasn't a sexual thing right now?" I asked.
"Doesn't matter. Consent is paramount even when the activities are platonic."
I let out a derisive snort. "I guess Leighton never got that memo."
"Well, Leighton isn't the one out here right now. Pay attention, Bunny. Now isn't the time to dig into his issues when we're working on yours." His tone wasn't hard, but it had authority in it that had any further snarky comments dying on my tongue. I choked out my assent instead.
I stared at his hands while he worked, looping the lengths around my wrist. There was something incredibly soothing about the feel of his fingers and the silky rope gliding across my arm.
"One of the biggest things about rope that I've always enjoyed is the play between the sense of control and comfort. I find it grounding when I start working on a tie, weaving a pattern around my Bunny–"
"You've never tied me up."
He chuckled and held up my arm that he was weaving lengths around. "That's not entirely true, now is it."
"You know what I mean. Don't be all technical about it." I said with a huff.
"No, you're right. But 'bunny' is what we call rope bottoms. Us tops are called 'riggers', and the people we tie up are called 'rope bunnies.'" He paused and slid his gaze up to my eyes. "And I've thought about tying you up enough that… well, no other name fits now."
I could feel my cheeks heat with a blush at his confession. I tried to think of something to say, but I could only land on a weak 'oh.'
"As I was saying. Working a tie around a bunny, putting them in the positions and harnesses, and even things right down to choosing the colors of the rope. I'm responsible for their comfort and the experience they have while they're in my hands. It gives me a sense of control that lets the rest of the world fall away and focus solely on the work and the bunny."
"That sounds like it means a lot to you… you talk about it so reverently." I said softly.
"It does. When I found my way to this lifestyle, and discovered I had an affinity for rope bondage I kind of dove in headfirst. It gave me a sense of control and purpose that I didn't have when I was younger." He paused for a moment. "Looking back on it now, I got into it way too young. This isn't a world any minor needs to be in. Even if it was something I desperately needed when my own nightmares started."
"You have nightmares?" I asked, my brow drawing down.
"Not anymore, but I did for a long time."
"Why? I mean, if it's something you're comfortable talking about anyway."
Craig stiffened for the briefest moment before blowing out a breath. "My old man was an abusive piece of work." He started. "It was bad enough when he was sober, but more often than not, he'd come home reeking of liquor, and the smallest thing would set him off. My mother took the brunt of his anger; most of the time, she sent me running to the center to beg Mrs. McMillan to let me crash there."
"That must have been awful." I replied gently, squeezing his hand in support.
"It was. It got worse when I was about fifteen or so. I couldn't stand leaving my mom at his mercy. Every time I stood up to him, he turned that anger on me. One night, I'd decided I'd had enough. Me and my mom weren't going to be his punching bags anymore. So, I waited up for him to come stumbling home from the bar and took the metal baseball bat we kept by the door to him. I knew if I stopped before I killed him that he'd kill us when he was back on his feet, so I just… didn't stop."
I sucked in a sharp inhale, stunned by his confession.
"Anyway," he said, shrugging a shoulder as if to shake off the weight of it. "I had nightmares for a long time after that. Sometimes, he'd come back and beat me bloody in them; others, I'd relive that moment like I was watching a monster take me over." His voice dropped to a whisper. "He was my first kill and that took something from me I didn't get back until I found rope play."
"I'm sorry you went through that." I whispered.
"Me too, but it shaped who I am. It took time and finding ways to cope, but I found a new normal. I know it feels like you'll never recover from everything that happened at the manor, but you will find your new normal, too." He tucked the ends of the rope artfully into the swirling gauntlet he'd tied around my forearm.
He released my arm so I could turn it around and look at his work. The ropes swirled over each other and created an almost endless look. But more than that, I was calm and no longer needed to struggle with my brain. I looked from the gauntlet to him and found him observing me. I couldn't think of anything else to do but pull him into a hug, with no words that felt right for the moment.
"I promise you will, and all five of us will be here to help while you do."