Chapter Nineteen
Victoria
I stared at the ceiling above my bed as the early morning light filtered through my bedroom window. Yesterday had gone from awkward to worse. I wanted to be reasonable and understand why Craig thought it was okay to dig so far into my medical records that he felt the need to discuss my birth control with the guys instead of me. Still, the subsequent lecture I'd received from him only heightened my anger. The rollercoaster of emotions from the pregnancy scare didn't help matters.
A derisive snort slipped free as I recalled the scene I'd walked in on in the dining room to announce the test was negative. If I'd thought I was freaked out about the possibility of a baby with these guys, Az put me to shame. It took several minutes for him to calm down from his panic attack after I'd told them I wasn't pregnant. He still didn't seem like he had himself pulled fully together when he stormed from the cabin, refusing to look at me afterward. I felt awful that he didn't feel like they were the type of people who could ever have those things in life, but was I so bad that the thought of figuring it out wouldn't even cross his mind? Everything he'd said was true about our current situation, but it didn't mean it didn't hurt to hear.
"I don't want a kid with you either, Az-hole." I huffed to myself, shifting in my bed to get more comfortable.
I stewed in my anger for a while longer until it became clear that nobody was coming to retrieve me for what had become our daily routine of coffee, and then the guys pushing me to my limits with workouts and hand-to-hand or weapons training. Throwing the blankets off violently enough for them to slide onto the floor on the opposite side, I swung my legs over the edge and stormed from my room. Aside from Rich's snores coming from the nook, the cabin was eerily quiet, almost like the other guys weren't even there.
"Fuck all of them," I muttered and made my way to the kitchen to make my coffee. I nearly ran face-first into Leighton as I stepped into the room.
"There you are!" He grinned brightly. "I was wondering if I needed to come wake you up or not."
"Yeah, let's go with not. It's going to be a while before any of you guys are allowed in my room again." I snapped as I moved past him.
Leighton's smile dropped into a pout. "What did I do, ma petit? "
"It's not just you. It's all of you. I mean, I totally get that it's not ideal. Hell, I don't think you could write worse timing if you tried to. But, you guys didn't have to have such a strong reaction to it. Fuck." The words tumbled out of me in a rush when I started talking.
"Naming it was too far, noted." He nodded curtly.
I raised a brow and looked at him, slightly astonished. "The fuck?"
Leighton raised a hand and scratched the back of his head, giving me a sheepish look. "I mean, I kinda thought Bodhi was a cool name, but I also thought I was having a heart attack when I woke up yesterday, so I guess it makes sense you'd have hated the idea of me picking a name."
"You know what, I don't even know what to say to that, Leighton." I chuckled softly and sighed. "I… appreciate that at least someone didn't completely melt down about Schrodinger's baby." I reached for the coffee cup I'd claimed as 'mine' and poured myself some. I'd need it to get through what would likely become more of these conversations.
"Schrodinger," Leighton said thoughtfully as he moved toward me and crowded me against the counter. "I like that for the future, baby momma." he grinned, gently booping my nose.
"Immediately, no. Nope. Absolutely not. You can either go back to calling me petit, or you can use my name if that's the other option." I said, eyes widening in equal parts horror and resistance. I considered the rest of what he said for a moment. "And there's no way in hell that Schrodinger would even make the list."
"I'm very confused. Weren't you just angry with me because you thought all of us were against having a baby?" he frowned, shaking his head. "Now you're upset about the name I picked out for both of you?"
"It's complicated, okay?" I huffed out a long breath. "It's… uugh!" I stopped again, not sure how to proceed. "I know it's–"
Pounding on the front door cut me off, followed by Rich's half-asleep shouting.
"We don't want to buy a fucking vacuum!" He bellowed from the nook, causing Leighton to burst out laughing.
"We'll finish this conversation later, ma petit . I believe the doctor has arrived," he said after stifling his laughter. Shooting me one last grin, he strolled from the kitchen to answer the door.
I followed a little behind him, taking a long drink of my coffee since I figured it would likely be cold when the doctor finished with me. I'd never had a house call appointment and didn't know what to expect. As I shuffled into the den, I saw Az's sleepy shuffle out of the bedroom, rubbing his fists into his eyes.
"Are there really door-to-door people this far out?" He grumbled unhappily.
"Not at all," Joey said, clapping him on the shoulder from behind before stepping around him and out of the room. "Somebody just woke Rich up mid-dream, apparently."
"He dreams about vacuum salesmen?" I snorted, drawing Az's gaze to me.
Az's eyes dragged over my body from head to toe, and he visibly cringed before stepping back into the room he shared with Joey. He shut the door, not hard enough to be considered a slam but hard enough to make a statement.
My upper lip curled, and my face twisted into a sneer as I flipped the door off. I didn't have the energy to deal with Az's latest tantrum right now, but I wasn't going to just let it go. Joey shot me an apologetic look and moved to the nook to make sure Rich was fully awake, just as Leighton cleared his throat to make introductions.
" Ma petit, this is Phil," he started, gesturing toward a man in his mid-forties who wouldn't really stand out in a crowd. "And this other guy is a doctor."
I smiled at him as Leighton introduced us and extended my hand. "Nice to meet you Phil. Joey told me a little about you."
"High praise coming from the boss." Phil smiled, gently shaking my hand. "Between you and me, he's the one with his head on the straightest. The rest of them need a little work." He said in a not-so-subtle stage whisper. I liked him immediately.
"You're telling me. Maybe you can give me the number of your therapist and I can start leaving it around the house until they get the point." I grinned back at him.
"I'm not sure they're her type," he frowned. "But she can probably give them a referral."
I raised a brow, unsure of his implication, before my attention was drawn to Leighton and Joey as the dam broke, and they both burst into a fit of laughter. Rich was grumbling about being surrounded by smart-asses, and I felt like I'd walked into an inside joke I wasn't aware of. Before I could press them for an answer about what was so funny, the doctor cleared his throat.
"If we could move this along. I have other patients to see later today." The man awkwardly shifted his medical bag to his side. "Rich, if you would, I'd like to check your injuries over first and then we will deal with the lady."
"Excellent, I have time to finish my coffee before it gets cold," I mumbled to no one. I strolled back into the kitchen to give the doctor space to do his work. I could hear the murmur of Joey, Leighton, and Phil talking in the den and the soft, pained grunts from Rich as the doctor poked around on him. His wounds had healed up really well since being cleaned out, but the one on his gut was still a bit tender. I had to give the man his due; he rarely complained about it despite all he'd been through.
I'd finished my first cup and was rummaging in the cupboards for something quick to eat when Joey came to retrieve me.
"Doc figured you'd be more comfortable in your room. It's not ideal for a full check over, but he insisted you'd need full privacy." Joey said softly as he guided me to my room.
A clean white sheet had been thrown over my bed, and the doctor, whose name I still didn't know, stood just inside my room, waiting beside a dining room chair that had been moved for him. As soon as I stepped inside, he moved to shut the door in Joey's face and turned to me.
"I'm Doctor Nolan." He said gently. "I understand you need birth control, but I wanted to speak with you before we do anything. Is that alright?"
"I mean, sure." I replied, somewhat confused.
He motioned for me to take a seat on the bed and moved the chair to the end of the bed. I took my place at the end of the bed and waited for further instructions.
"I know the guys out there are paying me so you may not be comfortable being truthful with me, but I want to stress that if you are in danger, I will find a way to get you out of here."
I smiled softly at him, touched that he would put himself at risk if I were in some kind of danger… well, more danger than I've been in so far. I fought back the curve at the corners of my lips and drew my brows together.
"Well… yeah, I would say that I'm in danger."
Doctor Nolan was on his feet in a flash. He moved to my door and leaned his ear against it, listening for a moment before turning back to face me.
"I have enough medical supplies in my bag that, if you're comfortable, we can make it seem as if you're having a medical emergency and need a hospital immediately. Their man brought me here blindfolded, so I need him to get you out. I'm always prepared for something like this when these gangster sorts call me, so it should be no problem getting you out of this cabin. Once we have you in the hospital–"
I hopped off the bed and approached the ranting man with my hands raised. "Woah, woah, woah there Doc! Take a deep breath, I was just messing with you a little. I might be in danger, but it's definitely not them. The guys out there are the reason I'm still alive. I didn't mean to send you on a spiral."
"You're sure?" He frowned, studying my face for any hint of deceit. "Like I said, I will get you out. You don't have to cover for them if you truly aren't safe here."
I thought of what would calm the doctor back down and felt the bright red flush stain my face. "Doc… uhm. You're here to give me birth control, right? I don't… think that… I mean, does that really scream 'in active danger' to you?"
Doctor Nolan let out a heavy breath. "It's not uncommon in these… situations for the woman to be forced against her will. But, if you're certain that you don't need me to get you out of here, I'll let the matter drop for now."
"I assure you, Doc, it's all consensual. We just had a bit of a scare, and now we need to make sure that we don't have to worry about that going forward."
"The elder Mr. Innocenti made me aware of the scare, as you put it." the doctor nodded, seeming to finally believe me as he led me to sit back on the bed. "He was rather insistent that we place an IUD today, but this is your choice. I brought several options with me. We can renew your shot, Mr. Dougherty informed me that was what you were currently on. I have a few months worth of Apri, which is a pill. I wouldn't recommend either as you have no idea how long you will be here, nor will I be able to provide you with a different type of pill if you react poorly to the Apri. I also have everything we need to place an IUD or the implant. While I cannot stress enough that what we do today is your choice, given your circumstances, I would recommend the implant."
I considered all of the choices he'd presented me and tried to keep my mind from wandering as to why Rich thought he had the right to tell the doctor what kind of birth control I would take at this point, but that was a subject for a different time.
"Is there a specific reason you'd recommend the implant over the IUD?"
"Is this really the environment you'd want me inserting something into your cervix?" The doctor deadpanned. "Look, I am happy to do whatever you choose. If you want a hysterectomy, I'll sort out how to get it done. But neither that or inserting an IUD in a cabin that can't exactly be properly sterilized is something I'd recommend."
The way he said it made my question seem silly once he'd answered it.
"Alright. Well, I don't want to run the risk of running out and being unable to get more… So let's go with the implant. If I want to revisit the other options, can I look you up once we get back to civilization?"
"I'll leave you my card before I go." He smiled, patting my knee gently. "Lay back on the bed, and if you have a preferred arm, stretch that out a bit above your head."
I did as he asked and nodded along as he explained the process, potential side effects, and healing complications. He was very thorough in his explanation and made sure he left space for me to ask any questions.
"Alright, you're going to feel a pinch, but otherwise, it shouldn't be very painful. If it is, let me know. And it will take a little getting used to afterward, but soon it should be something your brain just ignores." He said as he leaned over me. He turned my head away before he gripped my arm. I started to ask him why, but it was cut off by a groan as I felt the pinch in the sensitive skin of my underarm. Then I remembered it had always been obvious that ‘pinch' meant something entirely different to doctors than the rest of the population.
"That does it. You're all set." He said after putting a bandage on the injection site.
"I appreciate it, Doc." I wiggled my arm as I sat up and smiled at him. He gathered up his things and handed me his card before moving to the door.
"Now, if you need anything or experience any complications I named, please give me a call." He reached to open the door, and as he did, he turned to look at me over his shoulder. "And as a reminder, that will take a few weeks to be fully effective. Make sure you have a backup form of contraceptive to prevent any more ‘scares'."
He opened the door and jumped back as Leighton tumbled to the ground in front of him, apparently leaning so hard on the door to hear that when it moved, he couldn't catch himself.
"No worries about that, Doc. We're all set!" Leighton beamed up at the other man from the floor.
"Leighton! Really?!" I yelled and threw a nearby pillow at him. "We're gonna have to work on our boundaries!"
To his credit, Doctor Nolan simply shook his head and stepped over Leighton, leaving us alone in my room.
"I mean, the guys and I talked about it and we're all okay with the sharing, so I'm not really sure what you mean about boundaries ma petit. " Leighton said, lifting himself up from the floor before launching himself at my bed.
"My boundaries, Leighton! Just because you guys all had a little kumbaya session and decided you don't mind passing me around, doesn't mean that you get to go stomping around on my boundaries!" I yelled.
"It's just the doctor," Leighton replied. "He kinda needs to know you're having safe sex. That's like his whole job. And I wouldn't really call it a kumbaya session, we had to make sure all the daddies were on the same page. Even Rich, who's dumber than me and won't admit he wanted to be the daddy."
I stared at him and very seriously considered how difficult it would be to remove his head from his shoulders. Then I remembered who I was looking at and stomped over to my door and opened it.
"Get out, Leighton," I said softly.
"Aww, come on baby momma. I'm just trying to make sure we're one, big happy family." He pouted, pushing himself up on his elbow where he'd landed earlier on my bed.
"You know what, fuck it. Make yourself comfortable." I paused as I noticed him light up and grin at me. "Stay as long as you want. I'll leave."
I stepped out into the den and slammed my bedroom door. A couple of pairs of eyes turned to look at me. I heard the start of Rich saying something before I decided I needed more space and stomped through the den, opened the door to let myself onto the porch, and slammed that one behind me, too.
I heard Rich's muffled yell from behind me, asking Leighton what the fuck he did as I stormed around to the back of the cabin where the bags were set up. I picked up a rock, moved away from the house, and drew my arm back.
"Men. Are. So. FUCKING STUPID!" I yelled, launching the rock toward the tree that held our training bags as hard as possible.
A second later, I heard a yelp of surprise and pain followed by Az's voice. "What the fuck?" he bellowed. "LEIGHTON you better not have been aiming for me with that rock, asshole!"
I heard the faint "Not it!" coming from my room where I'd left Leighton. I started to apologize because I hadn't seen him standing there until he turned around to look at me. The way his whole body flinched away from me with a nearly disdained look made the apology on my lips twist into unbridled rage.
"You!" I said, pointing at him as I started stalking toward him. His eyes were wide as he looked all around me as if he was looking for an exit from the situation. "Don't you even think of running off, you fucking coward."
At that, his wide eyes narrowed on me, and he crossed his arms over his chest. "What the fuck did you just call me, Victoria?"
"You fucking heard me, but let me say it a little slower so you don't miss it. Coward ." I formed the syllables so slowly it was almost painful to say, glaring at him the whole time. "You've been avoiding me since yesterday; looking at me like the sight of me causes you physical pain. And that was after you made a whole speech during yesterday's scare that sums up exactly what you think about having any kind of future with me."
His stern glare softened slightly, but he didn't say anything.
"I am so beyond over this hot and cold bullshit with you, Az! You promised we were going to do better about talking. You promised you were going to stop running from me and look at you. You barely made it a week, and you're already doing it again! I realize that the news was shocking, but if it was that fucking painful to consider, then what is it that you fucking want from me?!" I don't know when I started screaming, but I didn't feel inclined to stop.
"This isn't about us." He shot back. "I fucking murder people for a god damned living, Victoria. Is that the sort of man you really want to raise a child with?"
"Do you think that fact was something that was lost on me while I was standing in the bathroom, staring at the fucking test for three solid minutes of silence and waiting to see what comes next?! Az, I know what the fuck you all do." I scrubbed my hand through my hair in irritation. "For fuck's sake. I fucked Joey in the woods, on the ground, after he beat a man with a golf club and slit his throat . And you know what?! Your hands aren't the only ones dirty here. I murdered a man to save your life, you fucking IDIOT!" My throat was starting to hurt, but none of the words were coming out at normal volume. I just couldn't make them.
Az stalked toward me, tension radiating from his body, until he'd crowded me back against the side of the cabin. Bending his head down until our noses nearly touched, he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I know I allowed you to end up in a position that you had to destroy yourself to save my worthless life. I can hear your screaming every night when your guilt over it creeps into your dreams. And there's not a damned thing I can do to change any of it."
There was something so earnest in his words the screaming anger seemed to bleed out of me. Left in its wake was the sting of pain, knowing that he'd recoiled so hard from the idea, even though part of me knew it wasn't all about who it might have been with.
"I'd do it a hundred times over, you know that, right? I wouldn't change anything because the alternatives mean that you wouldn't be here for me to be angry at. I'd rather be at your throat than at your funeral," I whispered.
Az angrily slammed the side of his fist against the cabin wall before rearing back and scrubbing a hand over his face. "You shouldn't have to make that fucking choice, Victoria. You should be running galas and happily ignorant about the world the five of us live in. You're too good for any of us, but especially me. You deserve someone that leaves no doubts in your mind that you and any kid you decide to have are safe."
I felt the tears prick at the corners of my eyes and tried desperately to blink them away. It felt like he was about to break up with me, and I hadn't even figured out what we were yet.
"If I were a better man, I'd send you on your way the moment we get rid of whoever put you in this mess to begin with. But I'm not a good fucking man. I'm hot-headed and selfish, and I can't stand the thought of anyone outside of this cabin claiming you as theirs, even if it means they can give you what we can't."
"You keep saying all these things about what I should have and what I deserve, but isn't it my choice? Who I choose to figure out all of life's bullshit with isn't something that you get to decide for me based on what you think I need. Have you even stopped for a second to consider what I actually want?" I demanded.
"Of course, I fucking have!" Az shouted. "God damn it, Victoria, I've thought about every second of every day since I realized you weren't pulling the strings. I can't not think about it, and worry if you're going to wake up one day and realize you should run very far and very fast in the opposite direction of us because I fucking love you, damn it!"
The moment the words left his mouth, he pulled back just enough for me to see the stunned expression on his face. It likely mirrored the one on my face as we settled into a stunned silence.
"If…" I paused and wet my lips, uncertain of quite how to continue. "I'll understand if you didn't mean that… so if you want to take it back, you can."
Az looked at me momentarily as if I'd grown a second head. "Of all the things between us I wish I could take back, telling you I love you isn't anywhere on that list. Though I'll admit, the timing is pretty shit."
I couldn't help it when a smile split across my face, and I started laughing. It felt good as it bubbled up from my chest.
"I feel like that's become one of our relationship's defining traits. Shit timing." I chuckled, and Az let out a bark of laughter before we both leaned against the side of the cabin, giggling and trying to catch our breath.
"Yeah, you're right. Our meet cute was a fucking fire," he snorted.
"Should have been a sign. But if you're happy with our dumpster fire, so am I." I grinned.
Az leaned his head against the side of the cabin and slipped his hand down to take mine. "Let me know if you still feel that way when we're fighting again in a couple weeks."
Lacing my fingers through his, I squeezed gently. "You know I don't think I want to hear you call your life worthless anymore. I don't take too kindly to people talking about the man I love like that. We still need to talk about how you reacted to the pregnancy scare though. That was not okay."
"I know." he sighed, gently squeezing my hand back. "That was an entirely me thing. I just need some time to sort my shit out."
"I understand, and I appreciate you talking to me." I said softly, burrowing my face into his neck. "And the next time we're standing in the backyard screaming at each other, just remember that I do love you despite the fact that you're such a pain in the ass. Alright, babe?"
"Nope, don't like that. It's Sir or nothing," Az chuckled as he leaned down and kissed my lips softly.
"Yes Sir ," I snickered. "Fucking Az-hole."