Chapter 29 Sorin
CHAPTER 29
SORIN
S orin slowly rose out of the depths of slumber.
Until he reached for her to ?nd her side of the bed cold.
He jolted upright. It was rare he did not feel her wake. Rarer still that he did not feel her get out of bed.
“Scarlett?” he called into the dark room. A glance at the windows told him it was not even dawn yet. He threw back the blankets and quickly pulled on a pair of pants. He could feel her. She wasn’t far.
Scarlett … he sent down their bond.
He hadn’t used it much. Hadn’t let her use it much either. It wasn’t out of spite. It wasn’t out of some twisted desire to teach her a lesson of some sort. But it was about protecting these Courts. It was about forcing her to speak to him, talk with him about her thoughts and plans, rather than assuming he knew them because of the bond. It was about getting her comfortable recognizing and voicing her emotions rather than forcing them down or trying to ignore them all together. It was about making her ask others, ask him , what he is thinking, what he is feeling.
He didn’t know how else to get her to start trusting him. To start trusting the others. He didn’t know how else to get her used to asking for help, how to get her comfortable asking for input and how others felt about things. She’d been doing everything alone for so damn long. She hadn’t depended on others so thoroughly since Juliette and Nuri, and they’d been raised together. Trained together to the point of being able to know each other’s thoughts and next moves on instinct alone. But that had become fractured with Juliette’s death, had been on rocky ground before that even, and he wasn’t sure what the dynamic between the three would be now.
And then there was Cassius. Perhaps the one person she did trust implicitly, without question or thought. Someone she’d only seen once since leaving Baylorin until she had to watch him be tortured nearly to death in front of her.
Don’t burn things to the ground in a ?t, Sorin. I’m ?ne. I’m on the beach.
He was already pulling a lightweight tunic over his head and opening a ?re portal as he replied, How long have you been down there?
No response came, and when he turned his focus to her emotions, he couldn’t separate them all. They were a swirling storm in her soul. He stepped onto the sand, immediately spotting her sitting a ways down the beach, letting sand sift between her ?ngers as she stared out across the sea. Within a minute, he was lowering to sit beside her while she scooped up another handful of granules. Her hair was swaying gently in the breeze off the water, and her shadows were freely ?oating around her as if she’d let them out to breathe.
After several moments of silence, he asked softly, “How long have you been down here?”
She shrugged. “A few hours, maybe?”
Sorin nodded, biting down on the frustration of her sitting on a deserted beach by herself for hours. Not frustration at her, not entirely anyway. More frustration with himself for not seeing this coming. For not feeling her get out of the godsdamn bed. For not being here for her these last few hours.
She’d done such things a few times in Solembra, going off by herself and wandering along the Tana River or disappearing to various rooms of the palace to be alone. Always on the hard days, when she was so lost in her grief, her guilt, her soul.
She hadn’t spoken much of what was done to her these past few weeks. She’d been chained to a wall, given little food and water, watched Cassius be used against her …
Then again, he hadn’t given her much time to tell him either. They’d had to deal with Cassius, then her own power. Then he’d been unable to hold back his own anger at the whole situation, at her , before she’d had to face the same wrath from the others when he had no idea what she was processing, what she’d experienced at the hands of her former master.
He sighed heavily. “I am sorry, Scarlett.”
She was reaching for another handful of sand, but she stilled at his words. “What could you possibly have to be sorry for?”
“For not giving you a chance to breathe before our discussions about your actions. For not giving you time to process before forcing you to—”
She held up a hand to stop him, and the words died on his lips. She said nothing for nearly a full minute, and he was about to speak again when she said, “You do not have anything to apologize for, Sorin. Your feelings regarding my choices are valid. What I made you go through … I needed to hear those things. From you. From the others.”
“Yes, but not as soon as you woke. Not when you were dealing with Cassius. Not without knowing what you had endured, what you were processing after your time with Alaric. To be honest, Scarlett, I was no better than Callan when you woke in Solembra,” Sorin said, his gaze ?xing on the horizon that was just starting to see the ?rst hints of the coming dawn.
She didn’t say anything in response to that for several minutes, resuming her sand sifting. The sound of the waves gently rolling to the shore was the only thing disturbing the silence, and her eyes drifted closed. He still couldn’t sort through everything she was feeling, although he was trying to avoid reading her emotions the way it was, wanting her to voice them.
“Actions have consequences, Sorin,” she ?nally said. “I am not exempt from that. I could even say the consequences are greater for me now because of who I am, the role I am in. You cannot shield me from the consequences of my actions.”
“No, I cannot, but I should be your reprieve from those consequences. I should be the place for you to breathe,” Sorin countered.
“And you are,” she said, ?nally turning to look at him. “You are that for me, Sorin, but that does not mean you are not affected. That does not mean that you are not allowed to voice those same feelings if you have them.”
“I should have waited.”
“No. Things needed to be said. We needed to have things out in the open between us before I met with the others. I know that’s why you did it. I understand why you insisted on that conversation when you did. It needed to happen, and when we did meet with the others, you were that place for me to breathe. I knew that no matter what the others threw at me, you were still with me. You were still in my corner.”
“I will always be in your corner, Scarlett,” Sorin said softly, getting lost in her eyes.
“I know, Sorin,” she replied quietly. “I know that I could set the world on ?re simply because I wanted to, and you would still claim me. You would still stand beside me. You would still be mine.”
She gave him a soft, almost sad, smile before she dropped down onto her back in the sand, her eyes going to the sky that was beginning to lighten.
“Do you ever wonder what the stars do when we cannot see them?” she asked.
Sorin stilled at such an odd question, glancing down at her before he moved to his back beside her.
“I suppose I have never thought about such a thing,” he answered.
She’d interlaced her ?ngers, stacking them on her stomach, watching the stars fade as the light began to overtake the darkness.
When she didn’t say anything after a few moments, he asked, “What drew you to the sea in the dead of night?”
“I think best by the water, and I’ve come to prefer the dark over the light. I am more comfortable in it,” she murmured.
He stacked his own hands on his stomach. “I know these things, Love, but what thoughts called you to them tonight?”
“I couldn’t sleep. Nightmares.”
He started a little, his head turning from the sky to her. “You had nightmares last night?”
She nodded.
“Gods, Scarlett, I am—”
“Do not apologize to me, Sorin. I did not wake screaming. I did not wake unable to breathe. I did not wake thinking I was somewhere else,” she said, her shadows brushing along her skin as though they were soothing her.
And he never thought he would be jealous of ?oating darkness, but here he was, wishing he was one of her shadows so that he could soothe whatever was threatening her stars. But there was no way to force trust. He knew this better than anyone. He could nudge her towards it. He could make not trusting him dif?cult. But just as he couldn’t make himself entirely trust her right now, he couldn’t force her to entirely trust him either.
“Mikale was in my dream,” she whispered, snapping him from his thoughts.
“As in you were dreaming of the past, or …”
“The latter,” she answered. “He was controlling my dream. He took my magic from me there. I couldn’t access it.”
“Scarlett, why didn’t you wake me?” he asked, his voice low, trying to hide the disappointment he was feeling.
“He didn’t … I mean, he touched me, but not like that. He held me over a balcony railing—”
She paused at the low snarl that rippled from his chest.
She gave him a side-long glance before she cleared her throat and continued, “He said he was delivering a message from Alaric.”
“And the message?” Sorin gritted out. When she didn’t answer for several minutes, he prompted again, his tone softer, “What was the message, Scarlett?”
He heard her swallow, and he rolled onto his side, propping himself on an elbow so he could look down at her. Tears were pooling in her eyes, and he cupped her cheek, turning her head to look at him. When her eyes met his, he could ?nally make out everything she was feeling, could see those emotions looking back at him.
Dread.
Guilt.
Heartache.
“What did he do to you, my Love?” he whispered.
“He told me that Cassius would die because of me.”
“But Cassius lives. He will wake any day.”
She swallowed again, her eyes darting away from him. “Yes, but he is my Guardian. He will be driven to risk his life for mine, at any cost.”
“He chose that, Scarlett. He chose to be your Guardian. That was his choice,” Sorin argued gently.
Her eyes ?ashed back to his, anger ?ashing in their depths. “When he was ten , Sorin. He was a child. He didn’t know what he was committing to, what was being asked of him. We were both children.”
Sorin opened his mouth to say something, but what was there to say to that? She was right. He didn’t know how the Guardian bond came to be, what was all involved in that. Scarlett had only mentioned her dream in the middle of other discussions, and it was not the most pressing matter at the time.
His hand slipped from her cheek as her gaze went back to the sky, the last star winking out as the sun crested the horizon, spreading its light and warmth over the beach.
“Alaric’s message was that eventually Cassius, everyone I love, will give their lives for me. That is their curse for being in my life, for choosing to be in my corner.”
“Scarlett,” Sorin said quietly, his tone ringing with pain as he felt her guilt down the bond.
“He’s not wrong, Sorin. Look at the people already caught up in this mess simply because they are a part of my life— Cassius, Callan, Tava, Juliette, those innocent children. He’s not wrong,” she whispered.
Games. She always spoke of how the Assassin Lord liked to play games, and he was playing one now. This was how he controlled her. This was how he broke her. Every fucking time. Planting these thoughts, then watching them grow and overtake every part of her being like a godsdamn weed in a garden, choking out all the things that could provide nourishment. This was why he never bothered with physical torture when she was chained to his dungeon study wall. His attacks were all mental, all emotional. They cut deeper than any blade would. He wormed his way into every thought, every relationship she had, and did this shit because he knew where the cracks in her armor were. He knew which spots were weakest, which parts would crumble with just the right amount of pressure.
And he didn’t know what to say to her. He didn’t know what words would make it better, or how to argue against the fact that the people in her life would give their lives for her, because they would. Without a second thought, his Court, Briar’s Court, Cassius, all of them would give their lives to save hers.
But not one of them would look at it as a curse.
He could tell her that until he was blue in the face, and it wouldn’t matter. Not right now. So instead he said what he always said to her on the hard days.
“You are my necessity, Scarlett.”
“And by you being mine, I feel as though I am leading you to slaughter, along with everyone else who follows us,” she answered, barely audible.
Silence settled around them, the sky growing brighter as the sun rose higher. He settled back onto his back in the sand and reached over, taking her hand in his, squeezing her ?ngers gently, wishing he could take the weight of her world from her shoulders, yet knowing she would never let him.
“You are not alone in this, Scarlett,” he said, watching a gull soar overhead.
“Maybe I should be,” she answered.
And that was his tipping point. Those four words had him pushing back up onto his elbow and forcing her gaze to his once more. “Do not let him do this to you, Scarlett. Do not give him this kind of power over you. You say he is no longer your master? Then do not let him be.”
“He’s in my head, Sorin,” she whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks. “For years, he’s said things, guided me to think a certain way, feel certain things. I can’t get him out. He’s so loud.”
“Then let me be louder, Love,” Sorin replied. “When he is all- consuming, come to me, and let me be more. Let me consume you so there is nothing left for him to have.”
“I do not deserve you,” she rasped, more tears sliding down her face.
“You deserve every star and more,” he replied. “Every star in the dark, forgotten parts of the sky, you deserve each and every one of them. What you do not deserve is to have some fucking bastard tell you that your mere existence is a curse on those who know you, who choose to be in your life. What you do not deserve, Scarlett, is to think you are undeserving of having people love you, care for you. What you do not deserve is thinking you are better off alone.”
A small sob escaped her lips and had him bringing his face closer to hers so that their noses were almost touching.
“The thing is, Scarlett, even if you wanted to be alone, that is no longer an option because I will always come for you, always ?nd you, and always remind you who you do belong to.”
“I am yours,” she whispered, her breath a whisper across his lips.
“You are mine ,” he con?rmed. “So if anyone gets to consume you, Scarlett, it will be me. And if that is my curse, I will cross the Veil the luckiest son of a bitch to have ever walked this world, and then I will hunt you down in the After to consume you all over again.”
Something escaped her that was a cross between a laugh and a sob, and his lips met hers to capture the sound. He pulled away after a few seconds, settling back down on his back, her hand still wrapped in his.
Some time later, two sets of boots stopped above them, a head of coppery-red hair and one of dark chestnut hair peering down at them.
“You missed breakfast, Darling,” Cyrus drawled to Scarlett, his hair falling into his golden eyes. “I thought for sure you were lying dead somewhere.”
Scarlett rolled her eyes, releasing Sorin’s hand and pushing herself up into a sitting position. “I am clearly not. Did you bring me something to eat?”
Sorin was on his feet a moment later, reaching down to pull her up as Cyrus arched a brow at her. “Am I supposed to wait on you hand and foot?”
“I am your queen,” she shot back, brushing sand off the back of her pants.
“That I thought was dead,” Cyrus countered. “Why would I bring a dead queen food?”
“For the love of Anala. Why must you always speak?” Eliza grumbled, handing over a folded cloth that was indeed wrapped around a few biscuits, keeping them warm. “Rayner told us you were down here,” she explained.
Cyrus smirked, handing over a couple of pears he was carrying, and Scarlett snatched one out of his grip, immediately biting into it.
“See, this is why I thought you were dead. You always eat like you’re a starving wildcat, so I could not fathom how you could miss breakfast,” Cyrus teased drolly.
Scarlett ?ipped him her middle ?nger, taking another bite of her pear. “What are you two doing down here?” Eliza asked, glancing between Scarlett and Sorin.
“Pondering what the stars do when we cannot see them,” Scarlett sighed, her gaze going back out over the sea as she ate her fruit.
Eliza and Cyrus both glanced at Sorin, concern and confusion in their eyes, but Sorin shook his head, telling them to leave it, his mouth pressing into a thin line.
“Luan sent a note,” Cyrus said after a moment of silence, extending a piece of parchment to Sorin. “Said they needed to postpone our meeting a few days.”
“It does not say why,” Sorin remarked, reading over the words.
“Is that odd? For her to not explain herself to you?” Scarlett asked, tossing her pear core into the sea before starting on her biscuit.
“I suppose not,” Sorin admitted, incinerating the note and letting the ashes ?it away on the breeze. “It is odd, however, that she is postponing this meeting. She was pretty livid when she left yesterday.”
Scarlett hummed an acknowledgement, still staring out across the water.
“I found it odd they didn’t specify another day and time,” Cyrus said, his arms folding across his chest.
Eliza let out an annoyed huff. “Apparently, she still thinks we must drop whatever we are doing when she decides it is convenient for her to meet.”
“I suppose we will deal with it when we need to. We have other things we need to focus on in the meantime,” Sorin replied.
“The Contessa?” Eliza asked, one of her brows arching. She’d been itching to go to the Night Child territory since Scarlett had brought it up. Apparently it had been too long since she’d gotten to shed a little blood, despite having done so days ago in Baylorin.
“That is one of them, yes,” Sorin said. He turned back to Scarlett. “Are you ready, Love?”
She’d ?nished off her biscuit and had her arms wrapped around herself, her hands running along her upper arms as if trying to warm herself. Her shadows seemed to have thickened.
“Do you think the stars are cursed to be stuck in the sky?” she mused, and her words had Cyrus and Eliza looking back at him with the same concern that had been there moments ago.
“No, Scarlett,” Sorin answered. “I do not think the stars are cursed to have to stay in the darkness when they love it there.”
“Maybe they only love it because they do not think they can leave,” she said thoughtfully.
“Maybe they love it so much they have never felt the need to seek anything else. Maybe they have looked down from where they reside in the night and found that there is nothing that compares, that their curse is anything but,” he challenged. Then he closed the space between them, tilting her chin up with his ?nger and forcing her to look at him. “Maybe the darkness needs to accept the fact that the stars do not want to go anywhere. And maybe the darkness needs to tell the demons that haunt it, that the stars have already staked their claim and there is nothing left for them to have.”
Her eyes fell closed, a small shudder wracking her frame. When she reopened them, there was some semblance of clarity there, as if the noise in her soul had ?nally quieted, ?nally stilled.
“Are you ready to go back?” Sorin asked quietly. “Yes,” she whispered.
“Why do I feel like we just witnessed an entire conversation with Ashtine?” Cyrus cut in. “I swear to Anala, Scarlett, if you start speaking like her …”
Scarlett pushed past Sorin, beginning to make her way back to the Black Halls, but she paused by Cyrus, the hint of a wry smile pulling at the corner of her lips. She reached up and patted his cheek patronizingly as she said, “Don’t worry, Darling. The winds don’t speak to me, only the stars. And they’re awfully annoying most of the time, so I tend to just ignore them.”
Sorin barked a laugh at the look of bewilderment on Cyrus’s face as she continued past him, and Eliza fell into step beside her, the two females speaking in low voices to one another.
“Did you really understand what she was saying?” Cyrus asked, when Sorin came to his side.
“She was saying you are annoying,” he answered with a slight snigger. At his blank look, Sorin clari?ed, “We are her stars. She is struggling with us willingly choosing to follow her. To face these threats, this danger, with her.”
Cyrus was quiet for a moment before he asked, “Is she all right now? After speaking with you?”
“No, she is not,” Sorin admitted.
Cyrus cut him a quick glance before his eyes continued to track the females as they climbed a sandy dune. “What do we need to do?”
“I don’t know,” Sorin answered, pushing a hand through his hair. “She is not the same as when she left. She is different. In so many ways.”
“Has she spoken much of what she experienced? What they did to her?”
Sorin shook his head, and they began to follow the same path Scarlett and Eliza were on ahead of them. “She needs Cassius to wake up. He knows parts of her I do not, things the Assassin Lord would target.” He watched as Scarlett let out a small laugh at something Eliza was saying, but her shadows didn’t lessen. He sighed heavily. “She needs Cassius to wake up.”