Chapter 30 #2
Aunt Laura was still enraged at what the valet had done, but now her expression was also tinged with frustration.
“Graham had been in the midst of a household crisis at the time, and Durben had offered to answer the door. When you kept knocking, he told Graham that you were simply an insistent urchin who hadn’t been satisfied with the few coins that he had given to you.
By the time Graham was able to return to his duties, you had already left. ”
Ruby had always wondered why she had not tried to be more persistent that day. She had blamed herself, and yet at the time, she had felt as though both her mind and her body were covered in bruises. “I should not have been so easily defeated, but I was distraught at the time.”
Aunt Laura grasped her hands. “You were not to blame. The fault lies entirely with me.”
“And Durben. I heard that he died soon afterward.”
“Yes. He entered the employ of a rich American gentleman and traveled to the Colonies, but he somehow slipped and fell overboard and drowned.”
When Ruby heard what had happened to him, a part of her had been disappointed that she would not be able to hunt him down and extract her vengeance upon him.
And yet, she knew that anything she could do to him would not make up for all the misfortune his actions had caused—and besides, not everything was the fault of the valet. There were many villains in her past.
Aunt Laura shook her head. “Durben is gone, but I still bear the burden of his actions. Please forgive me, Ruby.”
“Aunt Laura, I must admit that I felt betrayed when I was turned away at your door, but I soon realized that there were others far more to blame for what happened to me.” Ruby kept her voice neutral, as if that would keep away the ghostly memories of a time that she was trying to forget.
Her aunt’s hands, still clasped around hers, tightened almost painfully.
“I searched for you on the streets of London after you left. I finally went to speak to your parents.” A look of distaste flashed across her face.
“Your father was as he always was. But your stepmother was quite beside herself with worry.”
Ruby’s face settled into a cold mask so that she would not reveal her thoughts. If her stepmother had been so concerned, she would not have allowed Ruby’s father to treat her as he did.
“And then I spoke to Joshua,” Aunt Laura said in a somber voice. “He told me everything that had happened.”
Ruby found herself closing her eyes. “I was shocked to see him here. I had no idea he had come to work for …” While she was fairly certain Mr. Drydale had told her aunt about the Ramparts, she wasn’t certain how much she was allowed to say.
Laura’s eyes were searching Ruby’s face. “The two of you were so much alike. Perhaps it is not surprising that you would be reunited in this way, that you both became agents in the Ramparts.”
Ruby shook her head. “I cannot agree—I was certainly surprised. After all, I had never expected to work for the government.”
And she would never have expected to meet Joshua again when he was in the midst of running from the same department. She would almost say that Providence had drawn them together against all odds, but she no longer believed in such things.
“I admit I would not have expected that of you, either. But I would also never have expected anything Phoebe has done this Season.”
“Phoebe has surprised me, as well. Everything is quite different from what I thought it would be,” she murmured.
Aunt Laura squeezed her hand again. “What happened to you, and what your father did, was evil.”
She knew that already. “I beg your pardon, but I don’t wish to dwell upon it, Aunt Laura.”
Her aunt pulled her hands away, and Ruby felt the loss of her warmth.
“Yes, of course,” Aunt Laura said, chastened. “I have no wish to cause you more anguish.”
“Aunt Laura, I am feeling … better now,” Ruby said slowly. “I know you would not have turned me away if you had known I was at your front door, even though Uncle Wynwood had just died.”
Her aunt closed her eyes as if she had been wounded, but she said nothing.
Ruby continued, “I know you have been trying to find me. I know you have regretted what happened.” It was not her aunt’s fault that Ruby had numbed her own heart into indifference.
It was the only way in which she had been able to survive.
But it also meant that she could not feel the joy of being reunited with her.
“At first, when the Senhora told me that you were looking for me, I simply didn’t wish to speak to you.
But then … Did Mr. Drydale tell you about Lord Polock? ”
Aunt Laura nodded.
“After Lord Polock, I began working for the Ramparts, and I did not wish to involve you in the dangerous things in which I was involved.”
“Was it so very necessary for you to risk your life in this way?” Aunt Laura’s voice was soft, not judgmental about her choices, but simply concerned for her.
Ruby hesitated before answering. “No, it was not necessary. But I was placed in a position where I might preserve lives. It was something that could be accomplished only by one such as myself. And I discovered that it was something I wished to do.”
Yes, it was something in which her unique abilities, in which the beautiful face and body she had earlier considered a curse gave her great success.
But she had not wished to do it in order to serve her country.
A darker part of her admitted that with each life she took, with each life she ruined, she felt as though she were taking her revenge on the men in her life who had failed her.
She shook off her grim thoughts. “I asked the Senhora not to disclose my whereabouts. She did not agree with my choice, but she abided by my request.”
“Now I understand why she looked ever so slightly distraught whenever I asked her about you. She knew where you were but could not reveal it to me.”
“I have come to know her, and I am certain that it was difficult for her to lie to you after seeing your desperation. I heard about what you have been doing on Rachey Street. Your work has been admirable, Aunt Laura.”
Her aunt looked up at her. “I only started doing that because I was looking for you.”
Ruby was forced to turn away from that searching gaze. “I know. I think that Mr. Drydale soon realized who I was, and he knew that you were searching for me. He asked me once about my family, but I told him I had none.”
There was a flash of something across Aunt Laura’s face, and Ruby realized he had told her what she had said.
“I was still angry at you at the time,” Ruby said quickly. “If you had asked me a few years later, my answer might have been different. Or it might not. You mustn’t blame him.”
Her aunt stared into the fire for a moment. “Sol and I have been friends a long time. And yet, there are still times when I wonder if I know him at all. There are simply too many secrets that he must safeguard.”
Ruby had no reply for this, for what her aunt said was true. “And now?” she found herself asking.
Her aunt tried to smile, although it appeared to take great effort. “Now, I am thankful to God that He has led me to find you at last.”
Ruby tried not to recoil. “I cannot say if God had a hand in anything. I have not been to church in many years.” Eleven, to be exact. She did not want to confess that she no longer had faith in the Almighty.
She wanted nothing to do with God, just as she was certain He would want nothing to do with her. Not with a woman who had willingly chosen her profession of sin.
After being turned away from her Aunt Laura’s house, she had wandered the streets, always fearful.
She slept that first night in a dirty alley until a drunkard chased her out of it.
She kept walking with a firm pace, her head down.
Her dark dress and cloak enabled her to go unmolested for a time, but then a man accosted her in front of a bakery.
She was ready to fight for her life, to maim and kill if she had to, but the baker, Finlay, came to her rescue.
He hired her, and while the work was hard, she was willing to do it. At night, she slept in a corner of the bakery, with the permission of Mr. Finlay.
Ruby spoke to no one outside of her work duties. But she grew increasingly uncomfortable when some of Finlay’s male customers flirted with her, some more aggressively than others.
And then one night, one of the customers broke into the bakery and attacked her.
She bit, and kicked, and scratched at him, but he only grew more enraged. Finally, when he pinned her down, her hand found a piece of broken hearth stone, and she struck him. She kept striking him until he died.
As she stared down at his body, she knew for certain that she did not wish her actions to cause problems for the baker.
So, she dragged the body out of the bakery, as far as she could haul it, and dumped it in a dark alley. And then, once again, she ran away.
It was at this point that she made the decision to go to one of the high-end brothels to find work. Her weeks in the Long Glades had enabled her to hear about Saffron House in Orario, and she had gone there first.
She had walked this path of her own free will. She had left the hardship of a more honest form of work in order to surround herself with luxury and a greater degree of safety. She used the beauty that had made her a victim in the Long Glades and turned it into a weapon for the Ramparts.
Ruby studied her aunt’s reaction to her words about church, but there was no condemnation. Aunt Laura always had been accepting and loving of her family, of anyone in need. Ruby’s lack of faithfulness only seemed to cause her aunt to feel more guilt over the past.
“I have struggled for many years,” Aunt Laura said, “but have come to realize that I must believe that God is Sovereign over all.”
Ruby was not certain she could believe that. If God controlled all things, then why had He allowed such a cascade of unfortunate events? But she kept her thoughts to herself.
Aunt Laura continued, “And if I believe that He is Sovereign, then He has always had His hand over you, despite what I did to you. Or perhaps because of what I did to you.”
Ruby knew that no matter what she said, her aunt would continue to condemn herself. She had blamed Aunt Laura for many years also, even though she knew that the servant who turned her away was not doing so under his mistress’s orders.
If the past was prodded any further, it would only fester.
“It is quite late, Aunt Laura,” Ruby said. “I instructed my maid to ready a bedchamber for you.”
Aunt Laura nodded.
Ruby hoped that she had said everything she wished to say, so that they would not speak of this ever again. She accompanied her aunt to the door.
Jessica was just walking down the hallway toward them. She curtsied to Lady Wynwood. “My lady, if you will accompany me, I have prepared a room for you.”
Before following the maid, Aunt Laura embraced Ruby briefly. The scent of her brought back memories of wandering in the woods with her, of the rosegarden, and of picking blackcurrants.
And then she walked away, and Ruby closed her bedroom door with a sense of profound relief.
Walking back to the sofa in front of the fire, she was surprised to find her hands trembling. She sat down rather forcefully.
Ruby should have remembered her aunt’s faith in God, that she would speak of Him, especially in light of all that was between them. But Ruby felt only gall and acrimony at what God had allowed to happen to her.
For many years, she had been quite successful at keeping her emotions buried, like a coffin under six feet of frozen earth, but for some reason, her aunt’s words about the Sovereignty of God were causing her helplessness and fury and malcontent to dig their way to the surface.
It had taken all her strength not to let her animosity show upon her face.
Ruby stared into the fire. She had prided herself on her self-command, on the careful governance of her expressions.
She was surprised that her aunt’s mention of God had caused such intense antagonism to rise in her as it had not done in a long time.
She didn’t quite understand what had unsettled her so deeply.
She knew what she must do now. She wished her life to return to the way it had been, when she could drift along, feeling nothing.
Ruby went to the side of the fireplace and pulled the bell pull, although she wasn’t certain if Clifton was downstairs. However, he scratched at her door only a few minutes later.
“Enter,” she said. As he walked into the room, she told him, “Close the door. I have a favor to ask of you.”
Clifton and Jessica, siblings, were the lone two people in the world who knew all her secrets and supported her. So he simply nodded.
“Please speak with Mr. Drydale and offer your help in finding another place where they may go. It is imperative that they leave this house quickly.”
“Of course.” Perhaps he thought it was because she was investigating Lord Treme and did not wish for the visitors to cause complications. Or perhaps because he knew how difficult it had been for her to show her face to Aunt Laura in the entrance hall.
Clifton bowed and left her, and it was all Ruby could do to totter over to the sofa and collapse upon it again.
She closed her eyes, but it was only a minute or two before there was a soft knock at the door. “Come in,” she said without opening her eyes.
But the sound of the footsteps was not that of Jessica.
Her eyes flew open and she sat up from her slouching posture, twisting around to look toward the door.
Joshua stood there, his shoulders radiating tension, his eyes darting around the room awkwardly.
At the sight of him, some sort of emotion once again rose up in her, surprising her. It was a bubbling feeling, and yet it made her chest feel tight.
Ruby had missed him. She blamed him, and yet she could not blame him for what had happened to her. He had simply tried, but he had failed.
She did not wish to speak to him. But she found herself repeating, “Come in.”
He did so, and shut the door behind him.