31. Chapter 31
Chapter 31
James
I sat shaking on the sofa in my jammies, still feeling the chill all the way down into my bones as I waited for them to come back. For him to get here.
It felt like I’d been sitting here forever. Why was it taking so long?
It didn’t matter. I wasn’t ready for what came next, anyway. Would I even be able to look at him? I was afraid to see the same truth in his brownish-black eyes that I knew was already in my own.
Because it was my fault. I lost her. I let her die and couldn’t bring her back.
Please, God, I’ll do anything… just give me my mom back. I need my mom back.
The tears started up again, pouring up and out from the deep pit of grief I had stored up inside of me. Mama always told me it was ok to have big feelings—big love, big happiness, big sadness. It was a gift that let me know I was alive, she’d said.
This kind of sad, though, didn’t feel like a gift. And without her, I didn’t know that I even wanted to be alive.
If I could do any of it without her.
Dad wouldn’t know how to help with that, either. The only big feelings he seemed to have for me were angry and annoyed, and all of that felt too much right now.
Still, he was my dad. That meant he loved me no matter what, right? Even when I messed up? Mama said he did. Maybe he still would, after this.
Unless… maybe I didn’t deserve it anymore.
The door opened behind me, and there were GiGi and Pops, looking as cold and lifeless as I’d ever seen them. No more smiles or laughs. No more light. No more anything.
Maybe they’d lost their big love for me, too. Maybe the creek swallowed all of us up, along with Mama.
“GiGi… where’s Dad? Is he coming?” My voice sounded so small I didn’t think she even heard me. But then she shook her head.
It was the first time I ever remember seeing her cry.
I awoke as a stream of sunlight hit my eyes, disorienting me for a brief moment before I realized Lizzie and I must’ve fallen asleep next to her firepit.
The weight of the dream that I’d had on replay for most of my life still clung to me, like strands of a cobweb you didn’t realize you were walking into—but now that you had, you couldn’t quite shake off the mess of it all.
This summer, though, I’d been feeling its hold on me start to lessen. It happened slowly at first, in such tiny measures that I almost didn’t even notice it. Weeks ago already, I’d stopped waking up in a panic in the middle of the night.
Now, I could already feel this most recent episode fizzling out in the background. Like it didn’t have enough oomph left anymore to keep me caught up in it all day, like it once had.
The only explanation I could think of? All of it was changing because of her.
Laying here under the stars with her last night—talking and laughing together like we’d never stopped—had felt pretty fucking amazing. Working to make things right had been the hard part—but necessary.
She lay beside me now, mouth half open and snoring softly against my arm, as goddamn precious as she was beautiful. Seeing her like this, how could I not smile? Her body was curved against mine, her softness, as always, aligning with my harder edges—making it almost impossible to think of anything else. I didn’t want to think of anything else.
The only thing in my head now was one simple truth— God, I wanted this woman.
Hard as it had been, I’d kept the promise I’d made to myself in the beginning not to rush things with her. Whatever was growing between the two of us, I’d wanted it to have a chance to be viable on its own before sex became a part of the equation.
At first, I’d wondered if maybe that was part of why none of the other women I’d dated had ever amounted to anything more—every time, we’d jumped ahead to the physical and things would fizzle out not long after.
Now I knew the truth—it was that they weren’t her. And before Lizzie, I’d never bothered to want for more.
There’d been plenty of kissing these many weeks, of course—grazing my fingers along the soft surface of her skin, holding her to me in the way that we fit so well. Lying together with her in my arms, breathing in the scent of her—willing my hands and thoughts and lips not to ruin anything by rushing.
And it had been so damn hard.
But this was the first time we’d ever slept together, in the literal sense. I knew spending the night at her place or mine would be a slippery slope, a temptation I may not be able to hold myself back from.
I wondered if she felt the struggle, too—if she needed me the way I needed her. If she knew how I felt. Because I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stop once I finally had her completely.
I almost didn't come here last night. I’d been stewing over what had happened that night at La Cantina every second of the past week, trying to find my way through it. At first, I was pissed off that Luke Hardon had showed up and ruined our date in the first place—and that I’d let him get under my skin, the way he always seemed to.
But the more space and breath I took away from the situation, it started to become clear that I’d, well, kind of fucked up. My default response to Hardon and others like him had always been resentment and anger—some of it warranted. But some of it, I now realized, wasn’t.
And maybe the rest belonged in the past.
I’d been hung up on a rock this entire time—bitter about anyone and anything to do with money because of the damage I’d seen it cause. But as much as it hurt to admit it, it was possible for those who’d done wrong to change and make things right.
Even someone like Luke Hardon.
Even someone like me.
Sure, I hadn’t wanted or expected a penny from my father after what he’d done. In my eyes, he was worse than all of them.
But now that I had everything he’d worked so hard for, everything he’d prioritized over his own family, it was pointless to hold on to the resentment, caught up in all the wrong things. Because money wasn’t the problem.
The thing that needed to change was me .
I was tired of feeling the weight of it all, of drowning in my own bitterness. Maybe it was time to finally start doing something good with what I’d been given, instead of letting it drag me down further.
Or before it made me lose this woman I’d grown to care about more than I’d ever expected. So much so, that it scared me.
But I’d meant it when I said I wanted to be better for her. Now I needed to do the work to be worthy of it all. To be worthy of her.
And the first thing on my list was to follow through on my promise and help her figure out who the elusive M.H. was from those letters. Maybe solving the mystery would bring about answers and help her get through all of this without further heartbreak or disappointment.
For now, though— holy shit, my arm hurt. Plucking a dandelion from the ground beside her, I tickled it beneath her nose, smiling as her face wrinkled up in annoyance. And when her eyes opened, she looked downright annoyed—bringing my mind back to the first moment we met and how she’d ensnared me even then.
“What are you doing?”
“Waking you up, Sleeping Beauty. Unless you’d rather stay out here, sleeping on the grass all day?” Watching as the realization dawned in her widening eyes, I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What… wait a minute… we were out here all night?”
“Yup,” I said, tickling her again with the dandelion before tossing it aside. “Allll night, baby.” Sliding my arm out from behind her, I rubbed my shoulder, flexing it before sitting upright. A moment later, she pulled herself up as well, groaning.
“Oh my God… my head…”
Grinning, I reached over to pull a stray leaf from her hair, which in the early morning dew looked like beautiful chaos. “Yeah, wine will do that to a person. I have a feeling you ladies enjoyed more than your fair share last night.”
“Uh-huh.” Lizzie had her head in her hands now, her words coming out in a muffled grumble. “Where are the others?”
“My guess is inside. If you’d like, we can head up and check on them.”
I caught her grimace as she peeked through her fingers. “I’m already dreading it… but yeah, we probably should.”
Chuckling, I helped pull her to standing and we made our way, hand in hand, up the gentle slope of her lawn towards the porch. I couldn’t help smiling to myself as we walked, wondering how drunk she’d actually been last night and how much of our conversation she even remembered. But seeing her shy smile before opening the door, I had to believe I wasn’t the only one replaying every bit of it.
Inside looked pretty much the same as the quick peek I’d caught the night before—empty wine bottles, half-eaten snacks spread across the coffee table, early-aughts club music still playing softly in the background. Except now, all the participants had scattered—Lena lay sprawled out on a sofa, with Indi, Brooke, Kait apparently claiming the beds. Bucky was lying curled up on his side by Lena’s feet, one paw flung across his exposed ear like he was trying to block out the rumbling sound of her snoring.
Looking back to Lizzie with a smirk, she shook her head with a sigh and started cleaning up. Silently, I grabbed a trash bag from beneath the kitchen sink and began to help.
“Rise and shine, sleepyheads,” Brooke trilled, padding barefoot from one of the bedrooms, looking remarkably refreshed. She gave us a sly look but said nothing, heading straight to the kitchen to begin washing dishes.
It wasn’t until we’d almost finished up that the rest of her friends began to make their appearance—starting with Kait, grumbling and rubbing at her face as she shuffled over to where I stood holding the broom. “What’re you still doing here, Tate?” She shot a look over to Lizzie. “Wait… did you two…”
“No, relax. We just, uh, fell asleep outside.” Her cheeks had begun pinking up, and I had to fight to hold back the grin.
Before the interrogation went further, we heard the bathroom door open as Indi emerged, looking in far better condition than Kait as she shook her water bottle. “There you are. Why were you guys sleeping outside?” Without waiting for an answer, she tossed a few packets onto the table. “Girls, don’t forget to take your electrolytes… gotta help those livers recover!”
As a loud grumble sounded from the sofa, I chuckled, turning towards Lizzie. “Listen, I’m going to let you ladies do your thing. But… can I see you later?”
“Definitely.” She smiled, leaning upwards to give me a kiss before she froze, making a face. “Ugh, no… my morning breath might kill you right now.”
“Woman, I don’t fucking care.” Pulling her in, I kissed her without an ounce of hesitation as her friends whistled and cat-called in the background, one of them shouting, “Get a room, you two!”
Of course, my mind was already there, making plans.
Because for her, it needed to be perfect.