Chapter 26 #2
Vaughn holds me closer and lets a deep breath escape as we both focus on the fire. “Tomorrow morning, I get an extra hour, so let’s enjoy breakfast together before we start this routine all over again.”
“Sounds perfect.” I pause for a second then attempt to study his face in the glow from the fire. “You’re happy with your job, right?”
“I am. Doesn’t mean I can’t complain about the logistics of it.”
“Okay, just checking.” It is a hard situation that we’re in, purely from external factors. We’re a new family, and throw in hockey and it’s an extra layer.
“We should get some sleep.” He’s already dozing off, and it makes me smile.
I slip off the couch to offer him my hand. “Come on, our bed will be far more comfortable.”
“As long as it has you,” he laments.
“Always,” I say softly, realizing I’m thinking long-term. “And that was a very cheesy line, but I’ll let it go.” He chuckles as he follows me along.
Sitting around the breakfast table with the bright morning sun flooding in through the floor-to-ceiling windows and only a few leaves on the trees beginning to change color, I watch Vaughn sip from his coffee cup in one hand while his fingers on his other hand wiggle to Nora who is in the newborn insert of the highchair so she’s at our level.
My knee is propped up against my chest as I eat some cut-up fruit off my fork. This is heart-melting, all of this. The nights, the morning, him, her, us.
Everything was foggy before, but now it’s clear skies for us. I breathe differently.
I smile at Vaughn who gives Nora her toy keys, and then he grabs a piece of toast for himself.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he begins.
Lines form on my forehead, as I’m slightly confused. “For what? You took me in a flash on the counter. What am I missing?”
Vaughn’s head lolls to the side slightly as he bites his lower lip, debating his words. “Maybe I sounded a little down or out of sorts.”
“You’re stressed for this season, I get it. I don’t see it as a big deal.”
He nods once, not quite believing me, even though he should.
But I begin to have a change inside of me, and I can’t shake a peculiar instinct hitting me.
A suave smile begins to appear on his face, and he eases in his mood when he looks at Nora blowing a bubble. “I can’t believe I ever doubted when you told me about the pregnancy that this maybe wasn’t for me. The pregnancy and family thing. It’s exactly where I should be.”
It was that instinct. A strike hits somewhere near my heart, and an emotion begins to roar inside of me. “What do you mean you doubted the pregnancy?” We never really talked about this because for the most part he jumped right in, it seemed.
“You know, the first thought with the news was if I want to do this or not. There was an option to walk away.” His off-the-cuff tone isn’t helping this situation.
I sit up and try to wrap my head around his words, but I can’t seem to do that fast enough.
“You only ever said that you needed time to think and absorb the news. But really you wanted to walk away? You didn’t want this pregnancy?
” Now I recognize it, that fear that I thought faded is again boiling up inside of me.
“Isla, I was blindsided about the pregnancy, of course my mind went in all directions and options.” Vaughn doesn’t seem to get the magnitude of what he just said. Nor did I realize how an underlying fear has been lurking still.
I stand up and look at our daughter, which only sets off the tears burning my eyes, desperate to come out.
“You thought she might not be something you wanted. I mean, did you think our daughter was just a mistake? I know I gave you an option to walk away, and maybe I feared it my whole pregnancy, but the moment you walked into that room, I realized I didn’t mean any of that. ”
The gravity of my thoughts seems to hit him, and instantly his hand comes out to signal for me to calm down.
“Isla, you’re taking this all wrong. It’s only fair to acknowledge that I was in a position where I had just discovered the truth, and for a millisecond, an absolute millisecond, I thought about an out. ”
The tear that I’ve been holding in falls down my cheek. I ignore Vaughn’s gaze and begin to unbuckle the safety belt around Nora to get her out. Right now, I don’t want to be here in the moment. I need to process and think, most of all shake this shudder inside of me.
“It’s still a millisecond, which means eventually you can return to that thought and consider it an option,” I sadly point out.
Vaughn stands up. “Isla, you’re taking this out of context.
I thought we were over this.” I begin to walk away from the table, with aggravation filling me just as his phone sounds an alarm that he swipes off.
“Shit, I have to get to the airport.” He rakes his hands through his hair then drags his hand to the back of his neck to rub.
“You jumped right in or so I thought. But at first you really had doubts and thought of the out I offered?” I wonder.
His facial expression indicates really? “Because I see it as a non-issue, especially as this is exactly what I want.”
“I never once thought of an out when it comes to her,” I state blankly.
“Maybe because you knew from the start and had time to process in a normal way,” he replies.
But it’s a scornful reminder of what I did, and remorse seems to hit us both.
Him with his choice of words and me for a secret that I kept all those months.
“Isla, this conversation is just sinking me into a bigger hole, when it really is a non-issue. It should be clear what I want, and I’m not going anywhere. ”
Vaughn walks to me, kisses Nora goodbye, then caresses my cheek with the back of his hand. “We already proved we are good parents. Sometimes we have to let go of wounds to be happy.”
Then he leaves.
This is our first big disagreement since what I thought was our new reality. Or is it just an agreement? Either way, it hurts all the same.
But even I know it only takes a split second for someone’s mind to change. And what happens when Vaughn does that?