Chapter 2
Louie quickly moved to the rear of the room, hushing the men and quietly guiding over ten of them to the remaining seats in the back. Angie waited until he gave her a nod, and she began again. “Thank you all for coming and welcome to our new guests—Go, Cubs.” She smiled.
A man with a rather large beer belly spilling out the bottom of his Cubs T-shirt chimed in, “We loved our Vinnie. He was the ringleader at Murphy’s Bleachers, like a brother—never missed a game.”
“Wasn’t that our Vinnie.” Angie smiled in affirmation. “I sure don’t need to tell anyone in here he was a die-hard Cubs fan. That’s for sure.”
Just as the Cubs Boys, as Angie called them, were getting settled, a cranky-looking old woman with a mangy, yapping dog on her lap steered her loud electric scooter into the back of the room.
Everyone turned their heads again and stared, including Angie.
I thought Beatrice was dead! She forced herself to feign a smile and nodded.
Beatrice, Vinnie’s oldest sister, was the meanest, stingiest human Angie had ever encountered.
Angie had met her only once, when she and Vinnie were dating.
Several years later, when Vinnie had told her Beatrice had died, he had shared that she had been mean to him since he was a child, which helped Angie understand why he didn’t seem all that upset.
Louie cleared his throat. “Let’s let our friend Angie here finish her comments and then we can adjourn for more refreshments.” He put his hand on Angie’s arm and encouraged her to finish.
Angie continued. “I’m really at a loss here.
I’m sorry for the outburst, and this certainly didn’t go quite as planned.
Please bow your head and we’ll recite the Our Father.
” Everyone obeyed and, just as Angie finished and was about to say “Amen,” the Cubs men finished with “Go, Cubs!” Laughter filled the room, and Angie smiled.
Stepping closer to Angie, Louie said, “Thank you all for coming. Please be sure to sign the guest book and enjoy some refreshments.” He escorted Angie out to the lobby, and Beatrice rolled up in her electric scooter with a small, mangy dog still sitting dutifully in her lap. “I need the key.”
Angie’s hands were shaking. “Key? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“The key to the storage unit,” Beatrice demanded.
“I don’t know anything about a storage unit or key. I’m so sorry, Beatrice, I would have called you had I known you were still above ground.”
“Well, at least I know Vinnie could keep a secret. I made him promise me he wouldn’t tell anyone I was alive or where I lived.
I didn’t need all those loser family members asking me for money.
” Beatrice took a bite of the cookie she was holding; Angie could see crumbs on both sides of her mouth and chocolate on her front tooth.
Beatrice had certainly aged since their initial encounter years ago.
Her face was full of wrinkle lines, and her disheveled hair was a mousy mixture of gray and brown.
“I guess you’re right, Beatrice. He never said a word.”
“Who the hell made these cookies? They taste like shit!” Beatrice yelled and spat the cookie on the floor.
Louie grabbed a napkin and bent over to clean up the mess. “Please, madam, if you’d be so kind as to use your napkin.”
Angie could see Gina standing by the refreshments, her face turning redder by the minute. She—and everyone else present—had clearly heard Beatrice’s comment.
Beatrice’s little yapper dog barked at Louie. “Good boy, Bruno.” Beatrice continued, “I gave my brother a lot of money to invest in some sports gear and he never paid me back. He did mention that if he died it would be in a storage unit and I could sell it.”
Angie’s mind was getting cloudier by the minute. Sports gear? Storage unit?
“Beatrice, how about I look around the house for this key you’re talking about and give you a call,” Angie offered.
“I don’t have time for this nonsense. I need that key, Angie. Find it and fast! I have a driver waiting outside. Here’s my card. Call me tomorrow.” Beatrice thrust the card in Angie’s hand and rolled away just as Gina approached Angie.
“Aunt Angie, I’m so sorry about the sweet treats; something went wrong with the recipe.
There was way too much salt in the cookies, and I think the chocolate was expired.
I was in such a hurry to get them all done, I hired my roommate, Thad, to bake them and I didn’t supervise him.
I feel awful. Will you ever forgive me?”
Kim was standing next to Gina, patting her back. “It’s okay, Gina,” she said. “We’ll get a fresh start at our next event.”
Angie pulled Gina in for a hug. “Don’t worry, sweetie, that’s the least of my problems. Could you and Kim please clear the rest of them and put them in the trash? So glad you’re here, Kim.” Gina and Kim grabbed the trays off the table and headed for the kitchen.
Connie, Vinnie’s younger sister and Gina’s mom, charged up to Angie. “Of all the nerve! Beatrice crashed her own brother’s funeral. I’m so sorry, Angie.”
Angie’s legs began to wobble, and she held on to Connie’s arm. “I need to sit down before I fall down.”
Connie kept talking as she steered Angie to a chair. “You could have knocked me over with a feather when Beatrice rolled in; I really thought she was dead.”
“Me too. Did you know anything about a storage unit that Vinnie had?” Angie asked.
“The storage unit? Well, I do recall he mentioned it in passing.”
“Do you have the key? Do you know what’s in it?” Angie studied Connie’s face.
“This is probably not the place or time to talk about that. Let’s talk tomorrow,” Connie said, and then immediately walked away before Angie could object.
Angie sighed and realized she had to use the lavatory, a word that would always be in her vocabulary from her early Catholic school days. Anytime she had said the word out loud around Vinnie, he had laughed.
She moved slowly through the many people embracing her and finally made it to the bathroom. When Angie opened the door, she saw long, narrow red velvet seats with tall backs lining the walls in an L shape. Her bladder led her across the purple carpet and into one of two stalls.
Locking the stall door behind her, she let out a loud sigh and closed her eyes for a minute, trying to summon up more energy to go out and face the crowd again.
I must keep it together until I can be alone and have a long cry without worrying about my mascara running and anyone hearing me sob, she thought.
Angie was about to flush when she heard the bathroom door bang open.
“I have to have you now!” a female voice begged.
“I want you too. I’ve missed you so much,” a man’s voice responded.
“I’ll put my handbag against the door so no one can enter, except you into me,” the woman said, her quick breathing indicating she was ready to roll.
“I’ll never make fun of you for carrying such a large purse again,” the man responded.
There was a brief silence and then Angie could hear kissing and heavy breathing, a zipper and what sounded like the woman pulling up her dress.
“Do you think this sink will hold up?” she asked the man.
“You’re thin; sit on the edge and lean into me. I’ll push against the sink to balance.”
The couple were having sex right outside her stall; she held her breath, pulled her feet up so, if they did look under the stall, they wouldn’t see anything—although it was clear they were not looking in her direction.
I hope they don’t break the sink, Angie thought, just as a high heel fell onto the floor, landing slightly under the bathroom door to the stall where Angie was hiding.
She glanced down: three-inch heels with a red leather bottom.
Loud sighs and groans filled the space. The sound of the ascending orgasms filled the room, and Angie took a quick breath.
They won’t hear me over all that noise they’re making.
After hearing a few more moans and groans, she heard a zipper and saw the man’s hand grab the high heel from under her stall, noticing his shiny, manicured nails.
“You’re the best lover I’ve ever had, Ralph. Sorry to be in such a hurry, but I need to get out of here before I am missed,” the woman declared.
Angie heard the rustling of clothing and then the door open and close.
Angie found herself grinning, flushed the toilet, and peeked out of the stall to be sure no one was there.
As she washed her hands, she noticed the sink was a little wobbly.
She glanced at her reflection in the mirror, noticing the bags under her bloodshot green eyes and her pale complexion.
She pulled her makeup bag from her purse, applied some lipstick, and rubbed some on her cheeks to add some color.
She certainly didn’t want to look like pale Louie, the funeral director.
Angie teased her light brown hair, which had fallen flat almost immediately after she used the curling iron to add some height earlier in the morning.
She glanced down at the floor before leaving and noticed what looked like a fancy tube of lipstick.
She picked it up, noting the Chanel logo on the end of the square tube.
Angie removed the cap and tested the color on her hand.
“Color matches, it looks brand-new, I’m taking it.
I’d never be able to buy this brand, especially after I pay off all these funeral debts.
It’s probably counter sex girl’s lipstick,” she murmured out loud as she placed the lipstick in her bag.
She smelled the lingering sweet scent of the woman’s perfume and was almost positive it was Chanel 19—her nose never failed her.
The Cubs Boys approached her and offered their condolences one by one, giving her the big bear hugs she had become accustomed to from Vinnie and his buddies.
They all smelled like sausage and beer. Clearly, they had stopped at some local tavern beforehand, as was the custom, Vinnie had shared with her, when his buddies attended funerals.
Angie continued to greet each well-meaning guest, some offering their deepest condolences; others she needed to console.
A handsome man in a dark blue tailored suit approached her.
He put his hand out and she reciprocated, and he gently cupped both Angie’s hands in his large hands.
“Hello, Angie, you may not remember me; we only met briefly a few times. I went to high school with Vinnie. We lost touch and then reconnected years ago. He and I would ditch classes and go to the afternoon Cubs games. My name is Ralph Conti.” His soft smile revealed perfect white teeth, dimples, and kindness.
Angie felt his soft hands and glanced down at his manicured nails, which looked familiar, and no wedding band.
She inhaled deeply and detected a hint of the perfume from the bathroom.
“So nice to see you, Ralph. Thank you for coming. I believe you’re the one who gave Vinnie the Cubs World Series ring. ”
“Indeed, I did. It was the least I could do. Vinnie was a very generous business partner; we collaborated on many city projects. He spoke so highly of you. The picture he showed me didn’t do you justice; you’re a very elegant and beautiful woman.
You reminded me of my own wife who I lost to cancer two years ago.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is. ”
Angie gazed into his rich brown eyes and let out an audible sigh. He smiled at her.
“I’m sorry for your loss too, Ralph.”
“Here’s my card. When things slow down, please do call me. We can meet for a cup of coffee or lunch and share Vinnie stories.”
She took his card and put it in her pocketbook. “Thanks, Ralph. I’d like that.” Angie noticed that Mario was glaring at her and Ralph from across the room.
After Ralph took his leave and walked toward the door, Angie watched to see if a woman followed, but saw no one.
The crowd continued to thin until it was just Connie, Gina, Kim, and Louie. Angie collapsed in the high-back chair, took her sensible pumps off, and put her feet on the ottoman. “I can’t think, everything is happening so fast. This is the weirdest funeral I’ve ever been at.”
“I must say it ranks right up there for me too,” Louie commented.
Gina handed Angie a glass of water. “Here you go, Aunt Angie. You need to remember to drink a lot of water; these types of events can dehydrate the best of us.”
Kim set a pitcher of water on the table next to her. “Here’s some more when you need it.”
“You’re so thoughtful, Kim, such a help,” Angie remarked.
“I’m going to go finish cleaning up. Let me know if you need anything else.” Kim walked toward the kitchen.
“What a nice friend you have, Gina,” Angie commented.
“I couldn’t have done any of this without her,” Gina shared.
Angie looked around to confirm it was just her, Gina, and Connie, who was sitting in the companion high-back chair next to Angie.
“You are not going to believe what happened to me in the bathroom earlier.” Angie explained the brief sex interlude, and all three of them laughed.
“At least someone’s getting some,” Connie, who had been single a long time, declared.
“I don’t know who the woman was, but the man was Ralph, that fancy pants fella.”
“Sex at a funeral parlor—ew.” Gina winced. “Who does that?”
Connie smiled. “You’d be surprised. I noticed that guy right away. Looked like he stepped out of GQ. That is one yummy-looking fella; if I were younger, thinner, and more flexible, that guy would be mine.”
“Mom!” Gina yelped. They all laughed.
“When you’re ready, Angie, we’ll head over to Murphy’s Bleachers for a little reception, then you can go home.”
Angie just nodded. “Murphy’s. I don’t have much gas left in my tank; every bone in my forty-five-year-old body is aching,” she said with a sigh. “Hmm, I guess I can go for a little while.” Another long sigh.
Just as they were ready to leave, Louie pulled Angie aside and handed her an envelope.
“Could you give me a call tomorrow? Two of your three credit cards were denied, and we’ll need to settle your account before the end of the week for the balance.
” Angie raised her index and middle fingers to her temples and rubbed them, wondering, Where did all our money go? Vinnie said we were golden.