15. Nash
CHAPTER 15
NASH
N ash felt like he was currently stuck at the end of a very long tunnel. On the other side is the rest of the world, continuing on as normal, carrying on just fine. Meanwhile he’s stuck there, in the dark, so far away from it all. The worst part was he only had himself to blame.
He’d gotten another chance to have Meg in his life. Never in a million years did he think he’d ever get to see her again, let alone mean something to her again. Then there she was, on his ranch, in his tree house, in his bed. They were making plans. He wouldn’t have to sell the ranch, and he might actually get out the other side of that deep, dark tunnel that he’d been stuck in for years. And now he was right back at the beginning. Everything bright was out of reach. He was alone, and Meg was gone. The old wound in his chest that had never really healed, that had only partially scarred up, well, now it had been ripped open again, worse than the first time she’d left.
He was in a bit of a daze after she drove off. He went into autopilot like he usually did when he had to face the music. He fed the horses, checked on the cattle, did the usual chores, and waited for some sort of feeling to return to his body. When feelings did start to trickle back, it was anger. Then the trickle became a tidal wave and all he felt was rage. None of it was towards Meg, never towards her. Mostly he was angry at himself, revisiting the loathing he’d fallen into over the course of his life. But then thoughts about a certain brother of his surfaced, and that deep, dark anger found a target.
Nash got in the truck and drove out to where Will lived on the outskirts of Fordswell. The whole way there, part of him wanted to take a different road, to veer off course and find Meg. He should have chased after her, should have left to go find her, to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness. He wanted to beg her not to leave. But no, he’d just stood there like an idiot and let her go. Again.
He only got angrier over the course of the drive, his knuckles white as they gripped the steering wheel. Why couldn’t Will, for once , have kept his big mouth shut?
Half an hour whizzed by in a blur and Nash parked his truck in Will’s driveway, slamming the door shut hard enough that the side mirror rattled. Will was already out of the house, closing the front door behind him, looking confused.
“Hey, man,” he said, cocking his head to the side like he was trying to figure out what was wrong with Nash. “You all good? What’s with all the door slamming? I thought you were all loved up and happy for once?”
The rage that had only grown hotter and meaner with every passing minute wouldn’t even let Nash speak. He had no words to even begin to explain what was going on in his head. All he could do was storm forward, surging towards Will.
“Hey!” Will said, instantly shifting, feet apart, shoulders wide. “If you swing, man, then it’s on. You know I can lay you out in a heartbeat.”
Nash forced himself to stop. It was hard, but he did it. Standing just a few feet away from Will, his hands curled into fists beside him. He did want to take a swing; he wanted it bad . But Will was right; he might be the smaller of the two, but he was quick and hit hard. So Nash stayed very, very still, using what was left of his self-control to lock his feet in place. Will didn’t relax, not once leaving his fighting stance, but he did nod.
“All right, what’s up?”
“What’s up ?” Nash asked. It sounded way too casual a question when he felt like the world was falling down around him.
“Yeah, what’s up? Why are you in my yard looking like you’re ready to murder someone?”
“I’m here ready to murder you because you couldn’t keep your stupid mouth shut.”
Will screwed up his face in an all too familiar expression. “Me? What did I say?”
Nash laughed a little at that. He was starting to feel a little crazy, and that was scarier than the rage. Rage he could control, but if he started spinning out, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get a handle on himself again. Everything felt way too fragile right now. Will, at least, seemed to finally realize how close to the deep end Nash really was.
“Do you want to explain to me exactly what I did wrong?” Will asked, holding out a hand as if he were trying to calm down a rabid bear.
“I asked you not to say anything to Meg about me being such an idiot in high school. I asked you not to mention anything about the past, that it was done, that we were moving on from that. You looked me in the face and promised. So, what? You just forgot? This afternoon you started blabbing about us ‘finally getting together.’ Talking about me ‘coming clean’? You had no idea what had happened, and because you threw all your little theories out, Meg’s disappeared, and I doubt she’s ever going to talk to me again.”
Will’s face grew more and more somber as Nash ranted.
“I honestly thought you had filled her in, man.”
“Well, I hadn’t.”
“I just thought since, you know, things were sweet between you two now…”
“Yeah, and you ruined it because it all came out at the wrong time.”
“Don’t blame me,” Will said, growing steely.
“I absolutely blame you!”
“You don’t think she deserved to know, man?” Will said, his own anger boiling over. “Were you just going to never mention high school ever again? Just pretend it never happened? She deserved to know how messed up you were about her prancing off to college and never talking to you again. And if she was this upset about it the whole time, then I’m glad I said something, because she really did deserve to know the truth.”
“Maybe, but?—”
“No maybe !” Will interrupted, voice getting louder with every word. “You don’t get to storm in here like you’re on fire and start yelling and cursing at me. It’s not my fault that you’re in this mess. It’s yours. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.”
“You shouldn’t have said?—”
“You shouldn’t have done what you did all those years ago!” Will yelled, getting up in Nash’s face, clearly losing the last thread of his patience. “You shouldn’t have abandoned the poor girl, thinking that you knew what was best! You should have reached out, and you should have apologized. You should have done literally anything other than what you did. I was on your side this whole time because you’re my brother and because I saw how it ripped you up, but I’ve changed my mind. You deserve every ounce of that misery because you gave it all to yourself. Meg hasn’t kicked you to the curb now because of something I said. She’s done it because of what you did. So don’t come here launching an attack on me. Go and find her and actually apologize. Or is it too much to ask for you to not be an emotionally repressed jackass?”
They were nose to nose when the front door of Will’s house slammed open and Lucy appeared beside them with a fierce frown of her own.
“Enough,” she said, in a tone that could melt rock. “Take two steps back from each other now .”
Will obeyed pretty much instantly, still looking like he was ready to smack Nash upside the head. After another piercing glare from Lucy, Nash followed suit and took two steps backwards. Will’s words were ringing in his ears, every one of them. They were seared into his brain like a tattoo, and it hurt just as much as a needle to skin.
“And you? You’re done gawking?!” Lucy said, pointing her gaze towards the neighbors’ house, and sure enough they had an audience. An older couple were watching over the fence with wide eyes. But they had enough decency to pretend to be doing something else when Lucy turned her ire onto them. That was enough to snap Nash out of it, to remind him that there was a world still spinning with other people in it. He was finally able to take a deep breath.
“You,” Lucy said, pointing to Will. “You should’ve watched your mouth. It’s too big for your own good, and you know it. And you ,” she said, aiming her finger at Nash like a laser. “You dug this hole yourself. Will is right about that much, at least. Both of you are wrong. Both of you are idiots, and both of you need to calm down and act like grown men instead of little boys.”
Nash had embraced the anger — clung to it — because he knew once that disappeared, he’d be left with nothing but that dark tunnel, empty and cold. Well, here he was, his anger vanishing as Lucy told both of them off. He looked at the toes of his boots, not wanting to look at her, or Will, or anyone. Right then and there he wished that he could just disappear.
“I was just going,” Nash said, his voice sounding flat even to his own ears. He didn’t bother to wait for a response, and he definitely didn’t look up at either of them. He turned and walked back to his truck, shoulders hunched and hands cramping.
He drove home in silence, the setting sun getting in his eyes because he’d left his sunglasses back at the ranch. His mind was blank, and he didn’t feel much of anything. The only thought that crossed his mind was that the future stretched out in front of him, no longer filled with the possibility of Meg at his side. Instead, the following days, weeks, years… they were all going to be as empty as the road in front of him.
The buildings weren’t completely finished. They looked a hell of a lot better, bright and open and smelling of fresh air and fresh paint. But not finished. At first blush it was daunting, but then Nash was thankful for it. It gave him something to focus on instead of drowning in his own thoughts.
There was a whole pile of lumber that had been accumulating under a tarp for years, and he took the opportunity to go through it and salvage the best pieces. He would make some bookshelves for the weekend getaways. They might not have many books on them, but he could put little decorative things on them, like they did in magazines, just to look pretty. He could make some bedside tables as well; they didn’t have to be super elaborate. In fact, the more rustic they looked, the better. That was the whole vibe they were going for, after all.
Not they. He. The look that he was going for. Because it was just him now.
He forced those thoughts away, stamped them right down to where they couldn’t bother him. He would make shelves and nightstands and maybe some stools. Ha, he could probably make a big fancy headboard for the beds with some of the wood he had. That’d look nice. He’d screwed up everything else; at the very least, he was going to make this work. It had to work. It was all he had left.