Chapter 15 #2
Megan forced him back towards the door. Josh stumbled but caught himself, his eyes flicking to me. ‘Evie?’
It was in moments like these I wished I had more than two best friends. I was stuck between them, having to make a choice and in my mind the choice was shockingly clear: Megan needed me more.
‘Josh, just go.’ My voice was barely a whisper.
His face hardened. He turned on his heel and slammed the door behind him.
I barely had time to exhale before Megan spun on me.
‘You should go too.’ She was scooping Alfie off the sofa, holding him close to her like a shield.
‘Megan…’ I started, confused.
‘You knew, didn’t you?’
I opened my mouth, closed it.
‘You didn’t say anything,’ she went on, as if narrating it to herself.
‘Please, Megan.’ I wiped away my tears. ‘I didn’t think Josh would bring up Zach tonight, nor do I think what he’s doing is right. But it’s his life.’
‘But you said nothing. You didn’t say anything to me, and you’ve known since… when? When you got back?’ I didn’t respond and she knew it was true. ‘Weeks, Evie. And you could tell things were bad between me and Alex!’
‘It wasn’t my business.’ I hated how defensive I sounded – though I wasn’t sure any more if that was because I was wrong or because I was being cornered.
She let out a short, sharp laugh. ‘Not your business?’
I stepped forward instinctively, but she flinched almost violently…
‘You stood there and watched me make a fool of myself?’ Her voice cracked.
‘I didn’t think—’ I started helplessly, stopping to regain my composure.
It wouldn’t help if I lost it in this situation, even if Megan’s inability to see my side was aggravating.
‘Megan, I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t my secret to tell.
And if it had been the other way around – if you had trusted me with something like this – I would have protected you too.
’ Megan said nothing and refused to look my way.
‘I know you’re hurt,’ I said softly. ‘And I know this is about more than Josh. But please don’t make me the stand-in for everything that’s gone wrong.’
Her chest was heaving in fury, but I wasn’t even sure if she heard me at all.
‘I didn’t know things were this bad with you and Alex,’ I said, softer now. ‘You’ve never really talked about it.’
Her head snapped up, eyes blazing. ‘Oh, so it’s my fault I didn’t send out a newsletter or hand signals or bloody semaphore about how miserable I’ve been.’
‘Was Alex cheating?’ I asked before I could stop myself.
She barked a bitter, humourless laugh. ‘I don’t know. Maybe. Probably.’ She shifted Alfie to her other shoulder, blinking fast. ‘No, I know he did. I guess he just had the guts to do what I didn’t.’
The words seemed to rip out of her, unplanned. She caught herself, breathing hard.
‘Megan…’ I began stepping towards her.
‘Don’t,’ she snapped.
Alfie started to cry again, unsettled by the tension. Megan swayed slightly, trying to calm him.
‘I kissed someone,’ she spoke calmly, with painful frustration.
‘Someone else, before Alfie was born. One stupid kiss. I stopped before anything else happened. I thought that meant something. I thought it made me better.’ She laughed again, a broken, hollow sound.
‘Turns out it just made me a bigger idiot.’
My heart squeezed painfully.
‘I stayed.’ Tears began to stream down her red cheeks. ‘I stayed and I worked at it with Alex; I put him first. And he just walked away and found his happiness elsewhere. He didn’t fight for me.’
She finally looked at me, her face ravaged.
‘You could’ve told me.’
She shook her head, furious now. ‘Told you? When? On one of your quick visits home between flights?’
‘I didn’t know how bad things were,’ I said quietly. ‘You didn’t tell me, not really. We’ve both been holding things back, Megan. Me because I didn’t think it was my place. You because you didn’t want to admit it.’
Megan had no argument, but tears fell freely down her cheeks.
‘I’m here now.’
‘Right. Just in time for New Year’s Eve, before you head off to Canada for that shiny new job,’ she scoffed. ‘You’re always leaving, Evie. You’re not here for me like a sister should be. It’s as if you don’t even try any more.’
The words landed heavier than anything else she’d said that night.
This wasn’t about Josh. Or Alex. This was the unspoken fear that had been trailing me for years, finally given a voice by the person whose voice would cut me the most.
I felt myself recoil; it was so strong I thought I might be sick.
I’d spent so long believing I could be dependable from a distance, that love didn’t require constant presence. Yet hearing it laid out like this made me wonder when that had stopped being true.
Or what I could do about it now, as I was preparing to jet off to the other side of the world.
‘I’m allowed to have a life too.’ My voice was cracking now.
‘Yeah. You are. And I’m allowed to stop expecting you to show up.’
I stood there, the weight of her words sinking in fast and heavy.
‘It’s not that I don’t care,’ I said desperately. ‘I care so much—’
‘You care,’ she repeated hollowly. ‘You just don’t stay.’
The floor felt like it tilted under me. I opened my mouth to defend myself – but nothing came out. Because she was right.
I hadn’t stayed. Not when it really mattered.
The silence between us swelled, thick with everything we weren’t saying.
Megan shifted Alfie on her hip, her eyes glistening but cold.
‘I think you should go as well.’
I stumbled over my words. ‘I’m just trying—’
‘I know.’ She looked away, heading towards her staircase. ‘But it’s too late.’
I nodded once, then walked out, carrying the weight of everything we hadn’t managed to say with me into the cold.