Chapter 26
‘I’m late! I’m late!’ I cried, running through the entrance to the theatre. Flurries of ticket holders were pushing through, heading to the merch stand for a programme and a commemorative pin badge, and to the bar for their complimentary Pimm’s.
I ducked and weaved through the chaos, muttering apologies as I reached the side entrance and flashed my ID to the usher. He barely glanced at it before waving me through to backstage.
Josh was waiting backstage, looking effortlessly sharp in a dark emerald suit, an ID pass hanging from his neck. He was standing stiffly, radiating the energy of someone who very much did not belong.
‘I’m so sorry!’ I gasped, clutching my side as I came to a halt. ‘I’m late.’
‘Evie!’ he breathed, throwing his arms open. ‘Jeez, I thought you were going to miss it.’
I checked my phone, still fifteen minutes until curtain up.
‘Have you seen Pim?’ I asked, still panting.
Josh shook his head. ‘No. She’s guarded like the crown jewels. Though I think I met your replacement. Alison?’
‘Replacement sounds so harsh,’ I said, shoving my clutch and jacket into his hands so that I could finally reveal my outfit.
We had to be dressed befitting the red carpet so that, when we escorted Pim out of the venue and on to the after-party, we were properly attired.
I had gone for a burgundy, waterfall capped sleeves, ballerina-length dress with a simple silver chain and my hair loose across one shoulder.
It had taken me longer than I thought to get ready, and then I couldn’t get an Uber to save my life.
I had to run across to Charing Cross to join the taxi rank, looking like a harried wedding guest.
Josh took my accessories without protest and gave me an approving once-over. ‘You look stunning.’
I poked my cheeks. ‘My face doesn’t match my dress, does it?’
‘Not at all.’ Josh smiled warmly. ‘I’m very proud to call you my date for the evening.’
I scoffed but then sighed with relief. Josh would tell me if I looked like a beast, he was never one to hold back about appearances. If a hair was out of place, he’d be moving it, framing me in his mind’s eye until perfect.
‘He’s right. You really do look stunning,’ said a small voice from behind me, and I noticed that Josh had started to turn the colour of my dress.
I turned around, pulse stuttering. It was Megan.
She was also sporting a backstage pass; one that I had had sent to her weeks ago when she and I were still talking. She was standing, slightly tear-stained but upright and confident in a light blue two-piece.
‘Hey,’ I said, suddenly breathless for an entirely different reason.
‘Hi,’ she said.
‘I didn’t think you’d come.’
‘I wanted to support you.’ She looked from me to Josh. ‘And to see you both. I didn’t think you’d come to my place if I called.’
‘We would have,’ Josh said, a little harsher than he probably intended. Then, grimacing, he sighed. ‘I was a complete cun—’
‘Josh!’ Megan and I cried in unison.
‘What?’ he asked, genuinely baffled. But it broke the tension, and Megan and I started laughing.
‘Not in the workplace,’ Megan teased, waving a hand at the pristine backstage corridor.
‘Well, I was… one of those,’ Josh said. ‘I was so mind-blowingly self-centred I thought the word apt.’
Megan let out a small breath of laughter, but there was something tentative about it, something hesitant. She shifted on her feet, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘I was selfish too,’ she admitted, her voice quieter now. ‘I should have reached out sooner. I should have—’ She stopped, shaking her head. ‘I should have been a better friend. To both of you.’
Josh, who had been bracing for an argument, blinked in surprise.
‘It’s been a hell of a few weeks,’ she went on, swallowing hard and trying to laugh through it, but she was struggling. ‘And I know I’ve been… absent. I just…’ She exhaled sharply and looked me in the eye. ‘I’m really sorry, Evie.’
The sincerity in her voice hit me like a gust of wind, catching me off guard.
For two weeks, I’d gone over and over what I’d say to her when we finally spoke. I’d imagined angry words, sharp retorts, long explanations. But now, standing in front of her, I realised none of that mattered any more.
‘I missed you.’
Her face crumpled. ‘I missed you too.’
And just like that, the dam broke.
I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around her. Megan clung to me just as tightly and for a long moment we stood there, the noise of the theatre around us fading into nothing.
When we pulled apart, she gave me a wobbly smile. ‘I should have told you everything from the start. About Alex, about how things were, even before Alfie. I wasn’t honest with you – or with myself.’
I tilted my head, waiting.
‘We were broken before we even became parents. But when I found out I was pregnant, and…’ She trailed off, looking away for a moment.
‘We tried. We really tried. But we gave up on each other. We stopped being a couple a long time ago, and I… I don’t want to try any more.
I should have just been honest with him. And you.’
I nodded, processing her words. Allowing her to let it all out without interruption.
‘We’re separated now,’ she continued. ‘We’re co-parenting, and it’s…
well, it’s not perfect, but it’s peaceful – or it will be peaceful.
’ She hesitated, but I said nothing as I got the sense she was talking to herself more than me anyway.
‘I trust him. And I do love him. Just not in the same way.’ Her voice cracked at the edges, something inside her finally giving way.
‘Not in the way I did when we were first married. We’re just friends – I hope. ’
I reached for her, rubbing her shoulders gently. ‘That’s all Alfie needs.’
Megan nodded but her lips wobbled as she tried desperately to maintain her composure.
‘Two parents who love him, even if they’re not together.’
Megan gave me a small, grateful smile. ‘Yeah.’
Josh let out a loud exhale, throwing his hands up. ‘God, it is so refreshing when people act like adults about break-ups. I feel like I should record this conversation and play it for half my exes.’
Megan chuckled, appreciating his age-old levity.
‘Well, I can’t take full credit,’ Megan began. ‘I had a minor breakdown and hired a life coach.’
‘It’s been, what, a fortnight?’ I pointed out, unsure whether to laugh at her efficiency or be jealous of it.
‘Don’t be impressed, I think I’ve been paying him to have someone to talk to about The Traitors more than my own issues.’
Josh gasped. ‘UK or US version?’
‘Both.’
‘You are forgiven.’
We all laughed, and for the first time in weeks, things felt normal.
But Josh began fidgeting with the edges of his sleeve. Then cleared his throat, louder than necessary.
‘Well, since we’re all being honest… I ended it with Zach.’
There was no dramatic pause, just a flat statement dropped like a stone in the middle of our reunion.
He had to say it. Of course he did. Josh couldn’t resist turning a heartfelt moment into an overshare. It didn’t stop my insides from cringing.
‘Josh… You remember how this went last time you brought this up.’
Megan shook her head. ‘It’s okay, it’s okay.’ She didn’t ask for details, just took his hand. ‘I’m sorry.’
Josh blinked down at their hands as if he didn’t quite believe they were real.
‘I really am too. For being such a—’
‘Josh!’ Megan and I repeated, instantly silencing him.
For a moment, we all stood there in silence, letting the weight of everything settle and slide right off.
‘God, I’ve been so me-me-me,’ Megan said, releasing my hand to wipe under her eyes.
I went to immediately say ‘It’s okay’ but Simon’s words at the ice rink repeated over and over again in my brain; I didn’t need to say it was okay or make her feel better in this moment. It was okay to be frustrated with my friends, and for them to be frustrated with me.
But Josh didn’t have Simon in his life.
‘Yeah, something was going around,’ he said, repeating the ever-often-repeated winter-flu phrase.
‘I hope I didn’t catch it,’ I said, and both shook their heads.
‘Out of all of us, I think you were the least self-centred, and typically this was the year that you had licence to be,’ Megan joked.
‘Thanks?’
‘I only meant that this Christmas we had planned to make it all about you, and instead we made it all about us.’ She pointed between Josh and her.
‘This Christmas hasn’t gone to plan…’ I paused, inhaling slowly.
‘I’m going to be honest, I had really wanted to spend it with my friends, and instead I found myself slightly, as ever, on my own, dealing with other people’s shit and putting everyone else first.’ Both Josh and Megan said nothing but began chewing their lips nervously, glancing between each other again like siblings caught stealing sweets.
‘I don’t want to fight,’ I added quickly, trying to placate their nerves and dull the undercurrent of frustration still inside me.
‘Today is going to go well – it has to — but I don’t want Christmas to be full of tensions and arguments. I just want to enjoy it.’
‘And we’re going to.’ Megan nodded, squeezing my hand warmly. ‘I promise. No more drama. No more fighting.’
‘I swear on my Gucci handbag.’ Josh lifted his bag theatrically and Megan slapped her own hand atop his and then I placed my own.
Josh, never one to handle deep emotions for too long, studied me for a moment and then straightened abruptly.
‘Well, ladies, as much as I’d love to dive deeper into the rich tapestry of our collective trauma, I’ve just spotted a rather exquisite specimen of a man loitering by the lighting rig, and I feel morally obliged to introduce myself. ’
Megan rolled her eyes. ‘You are so predictable.’
‘I take that as a compliment,’ he said, smoothing down his emerald suit and adjusting his posture as if he was about to strut down a catwalk. He turned to me. ‘Are you going to be okay?’
‘I’ll be fine.’
Josh studied me for a moment longer, then nodded. ‘Good. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and see if that man has a boyfriend, or if he just looks that smug naturally.’
‘If he has a boyfriend, what are you…’
‘Too soon.’ He winked and disappeared down the corridor, leaving Megan and me alone in the relative quiet of backstage.
For a moment, neither of us spoke. The sounds of last-minute stage preparations buzzed around us, the crackle of radios, the distant hum of the orchestra warming up, the nervous energy in the air. I checked my watch. I had exactly eight minutes before I needed to be back in Pim’s dressing room.
‘I meant what I said earlier,’ Megan said suddenly, pulling me from my thoughts. ‘About you.’
I sighed. ‘Megan—’
‘No, just listen,’ she interrupted, stepping closer.
‘I know you’re in work mode, and I get it, you don’t have time to think about anything else because you have to get Pim on stage and then deal with whatever comes next.
But when do you actually stop? When do you actually sit down and ask yourself what you want? ’
I looked away.
‘Evie… I did the same thing,’ she continued, her voice calmer now.
‘I buried myself in work when things with Alex started falling apart. It was easier to be busy than to deal with what was actually happening. Easier to say I was too stressed, too occupied to face reality. And I kept telling myself I was doing it for us, for Alfie, for our future, until one day, I woke up and realised I didn’t even recognise my own life any more. Or want it, for that matter.’
She took a breath.
‘And you know what? The second I stopped running from it, the second I actually looked at what mattered, when I was at Mum and Dad’s, it was the easiest decision in the world.
I knew I needed to make a change. Work was always going to be there, but my life?
My relationships? They were slipping away. ’
Her words hit me somewhere deep in my chest, but I tried to shake them off. ‘It’s not the same thing.’
‘Isn’t it?’ she countered. ‘You’re running too. Maybe not from a failing marriage, but from something. You keep throwing yourself into work, into other people’s problems, into Pim’s world, because it’s easier than stopping and figuring out what you want.’
I swallowed.
‘And I don’t think you want this job in Canada,’ she added gently.
I flinched. ‘Of course I do,’ I said too quickly, the words tumbling out in a perfected routine. ‘It’s a great opportunity.’ Everything inside me dropped as I considered the opportunity and failed to translate what that even meant to me any more.
‘Is it?’ She tilted her head. ‘Or is it just another thing that keeps you moving so you don’t have to think about your life? About everything you want? About your mum?’
I couldn’t argue with her, not really. Not when the truth was already burning in my chest. I didn’t want the job. I hadn’t told anyone that – I had barely admitted it to myself – but the moment she said it, I felt the weight of it settle on me like one of Pim’s heavy faux-fur coats.
‘Evie, I love you,’ she said, reaching for my hand. ‘And I know you. You need to stop. You need to take a breath and choose what comes next, instead of just letting it happen to you.’
I squeezed her hand, hard. My throat ached, too full to speak. She was right, and I hated how right she was. I didn’t want the new job. I was just running away again.
‘Five minutes, this is your five-minute call,’ a voice sounded over the Tannoy.
‘Oh, shit!’ I exclaimed, releasing Megan extra-gently. ‘I have to get to Pim,’ I said.
Megan nodded, but she didn’t let go of my hand just yet.
‘Just… think about it, okay?’ she said. ‘Really think about it.’
I gave her a small, shaky smile.
‘Go, go!’ Megan said, shuffling me away with all my things as we wiped our tears and widened our smiles.
‘You’ve got this!’ she called. ‘We’ll be cheering from the seats.’
At the sound of the three-minute call, I began to panic. After all the promises I made to Pim, I was going to miss her entrance. Oh, fuck!