Chapter 2
CHAPTER TWO
CLARA
I’ve never been interested in relationships. Not the way most of my friends are, anyway. I enjoy having company for a night—or longer, on the rare occasions it lasts for months at a time. But I prefer no strings, no complications, and no feelings.
It’s not that I’m against dating; I love it. It’s the commitment part that I don’t seem to have a good grasp on. I’ve had girlfriends here and there, but nothing serious. I think my longest relationship has been half a year, maybe less. I wasn’t paying too much attention.
It’s nothing against the women I’ve dated; they were okay, great even. But I’ve never felt this overwhelming desire to be with them forever.
Plus, Alejandra and I have been planning our lives together for as long as I can remember, so there was never much space for anyone else.
Not to mention the tiny, inconvenient detail that I’ve been hopelessly in love with her for, well, pretty much my entire life.
Something I hoped I’d outgrow at some point, but haven’t.
Which makes nights like tonight extra hard.
I love our date postmortems, partly because the petty side of me enjoys knowing I’m not the only one love keeps avoiding, and because the masochist in me is hoping she’ll say she’s falling for someone else.
Maybe then I’ll finally be able to let go of this ridiculous fantasy that one day Alejandra will suddenly realize she’s been in love with me all along.
And that, somehow, I’ll be brave enough to try with her—even if it means risking everything.
But Alejandra’s been going on so many dates lately, it’s getting harder for me to handle. So, I’m glad she’s putting things on pause—at least for a few months. Seeing Alejandra this sad about not finding her special someone is tearing me apart.
“I’m sorry, I’m such a mess,” Alejandra says through a thick, nasally voice, her words barely holding together between sobs.
I pull her in tighter.
“Don’t be sorry.” I plant a kiss on her temple. “You’re a cute mess.”
Alejandra chuckles weakly before nuzzling into my chest, and my heart clenches into a fist as she lets out a tired sigh.
An ache settles deep in my bones, the same ache that settles into my body anytime Alejandra is sad or frustrated—a physical response to my inability to take away all the pain from her life.
I’ve had feelings for Alejandra since before I understood what attraction meant.
There’ve been so many times I thought I’d gotten over them, but as of the last few years, I’ve realized I’d only convinced myself I had.
I got so good at hiding my feelings from everyone that I even tricked myself.
But it became a lot harder to ignore when Alejandra and I got to college.
We were inches from each other at any given time. Even more so than before.
Sure, I moved into her house after my mom passed, but at least there I had my own room. In college, I barely had my own bed, since Alejandra insisted on squeezing into my single and sleeping with me almost every night.
We even took as many classes together as we could, practically fused at the hip, which, truthfully, was nothing out of the ordinary for us, but it intensified in college.
After my mom died, Alejandra and I grew so close that she was the only thing keeping me grounded.
Cathia and Diana did, too. I don’t give them nearly as much credit as I should, but things with Cathia were tough at first. I didn’t want to let her in.
She reminded me so much of what I’d lost that it was easier to latch on to Alejandra until it felt like she was the one steady thing I had left.
Diana is a few years older than us, so she was doing her own thing, always checking in but never enough to lean on.
Alejandra was the only person who made me feel my world wasn’t completely falling apart.
For a long time, I thought that was why my relationship with her was so intense.
Sometimes it felt like I needed her as much as I needed air.
Then it all clicked during our senior year of high school.
That’s when I realized I was in love with Alejandra.
Looking back, I think that realization is what sent my dating life into chaos.
I was so desperate to distract myself, to find someone, anyone, who could get her out of my head, that I dated pretty much every cute girl who gave me the time of day.
For a while, I thought it was working. But that illusion had completely shattered our junior year of college.
I had been on my way back to my dorm room when Alejandra had called me.
“Are you almost at our room? I need you.”
“I’m going up the stairs,” I said. “I’ll be there in a second.”
“Hurry,” she whined.
When I stepped into our room, she was standing in front of a large mirror, wearing a flowy dress, looking like something out of a dream. The soft lace and satin hugged her curves perfectly. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. My arms turned to jelly, and my books thudded to the floor.
The dress looked as if it had been made for her; it was perfect. She was perfect.
I’d seen Alejandra dress up plenty of times before, but this was different; she was going on a date with Mia.
A girl from our English class, junior year, who had made googly eyes at Alejandra the moment we’d walked into the room.
As much as I hated to admit it, Mia was beautiful and—at least on the surface—seemed genuinely nice.
But no matter how hard I tried, she’d never liked me, and I’d never liked her.
Five years after their first date, Mia had broken Alejandra’s heart so badly that I wasn’t sure she would ever recover—sometimes I still don’t know if she will.
My eyes lingered on Alejandra’s body, tracing every inch of her; looking away wasn’t even an option. In that moment, all the feelings I’d been desperately trying to bury came rushing back.
“Will you—” Alejandra turned and pointed at the zipper on the back of her dress.
I tried to move closer to help her, but my mind was elsewhere. All I could focus on was how the fabric clung to Alejandra, making me ache to touch her, my fingers burning with the need to touch her skin.
Alejandra’s eyes met mine in the mirror, and the second her mouth ticked up in a smirk, a rush of warmth spread through me, and a knot tightened in my chest. I hadn’t meant to stare so intensely, but I couldn’t help it.
“I hope Mia looks at me the way you are right now,” Alejandra said nervously.
“I don’t see how she couldn’t,” I said shyly, throwing on my best poker face. “You’re stunning.”
“Thank you.” Alejandra’s lips curved into a soft smile, still waiting for me to step closer.
When my legs finally decided to cooperate, I walked up behind her, my fingers brushing against the zipper of her dress, feeling the heat of her skin beneath the thin fabric.
I didn’t know if Alejandra could sense the slight tremble of my hands, and I didn’t care.
All I could think about in that moment was how close we were, how much I wanted to be unzipping this dress instead of zipping it, and how much I hated the thought of her sitting across from Mia all night, and everything that would come afterward.
I wanted to tell Alejandra to stay. To choose me. To give us a chance. But I didn’t say a word. Because along with the terrifying truth of my feelings came a painful realization. These feelings could ruin everything between us. If I said the wrong thing—if I made it weird—I could lose her.
And that scared the hell out of me.
I wanted her badly, fully, but not at the cost of losing her completely.
Because it wasn’t just the friendship I’d be risking—it was her.
The way she laughed when she was caught off guard, the way being near her made everything better.
Not to mention possibly ruining my relationship not only with her but also with Cathia and Diana.
The only family I had left aside from Isabella, Valeria, and Lily.
Nothing, not even the chance at something more, felt worth risking what we already had.
So I swallowed down this beautiful, terrifying truth and decided to keep it buried. Forever. Even if it destroyed me.
I don’t regret that decision. But it still sucks. As her best friend, I want her to find that, but as someone who’s in love with her, I don’t.
I keep telling myself that her dating around is a good thing, and part of me believes it.
The rest of me doesn’t know how to make peace with it—but I’d better figure it out fast, because a few days ago, Alejandra told her grandma she didn’t want to date anymore, which has put my timeline on a fast track.
Now her grandma has taken it upon herself to find Alejandra the perfect woman, and my window to make peace with it is getting smaller and smaller.