Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ten Years Ago - Evelyn
HOW CAN SOMETHING so promising be accompanied by so much pain?
Everything I’ve ever hoped for is about to materialize, and yet I can’t bring myself to be glad for it. I can’t even manage a smile as I look out my window, waiting for the car that will come to take me away. I’ve had months to prepare for this day, but I didn’t allow myself to think of it. Instead, I shoved it way down deep, hid from it and hoped I wouldn’t feel it.
It was silly to think I could be numb to such a thing. The pain doesn’t appreciate the blind eye I’ve turned, and now it’s back with a vengeance, ripping through my stomach and my heart, burning my eyes and nose, its onslaught coming in powerful waves.
Ryder hasn’t come to see me yet. I can’t decide whether it’s better that way, not saying goodbye. It’d hurt less, leaving a memory, but…there’s so many things to say.
There’s a knock on the door and it creaks open barely a second later. Tears begin running down my face with determination, knowing who came in.
Ryder stands next to me, hands in his pockets. That nonchalance he’s won from facing foes too young and coming out on the other side isn’t present. His shoulders are slumped forward, eyes darker and bleaker than ever before.
“It’s fitting, in a bit of a fucked-up way, that this is where it ends. Looking out this window, waiting for a car to pull up. The only difference is we’re together this time.”
Looking at him, hearing his voice, physically hurts. A sob escapes and I clamp my hand over my mouth, a fruitless attempt to remain quiet.
“Don’t cry, Eves.” His voice cracks, just like my heart. “It’s a happy day.”
I shake my head. “It’s the unhappiest of all.”
The sobs finally break loose, and Ryder turns, enveloping me into his arms. I grip him, hanging on for dear life. The truth is, my soul has melded with his. They’ve become one. He’s written into every bit of me now. There’s no Evie without Ryder.
My school counselor called it a trauma bond, and maybe she isn’t wrong, but what she doesn’t know is that if Ryder and I met on the playground as two happy kids with nice families, we would have ended up here anyway. It wouldn’t matter if we met as weeds or snails or beluga whales, our souls would have found a way. And now they’re being ripped apart.
If you lose an arm, you have to be sewn back up. How do you sew up a soul?
Ryder brushes his hand over my hair, pulling me tighter to him.
“I won’t go with them,” I mumble into his shirt, but regret saying it out loud when he pulls back, planting his hands on my shoulders.
“You have to go with them.”
“I can’t.” I shake my head. “I won’t go.”
“This is your new life, Eves. It’s the one you’ve always talked about.”
“I don’t want it anymore.” I don’t want a life he’s not in. “We can…we can run away.”
“You’ll go to an amazing school, any one you want, and you won’t even need a scholarship now. You can be whatever you want. A cheerleader. The president. Even lazy.”
I laugh but it comes out more like a gasp.
“You’re going to have everything you’ve ever wanted.” And then, like an eighth wonder of the world, a tear slowly rolls down Ryder’s face. “Please. I need you to go with them. If you won’t do it for yourself, please do it for me.”
Tortured. Ryder looks tortured. Something is eating away at him, maybe everything he’s had to do to take care of me has finally caught up with him. While he’s been watching over me, who has been watching over him? I already know the answer. No one.
“Come with me.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“They don’t want me, they want you .”
“We’ll figure it out somehow.” Part of me knows it’s useless, but I have to try to convince him. “You can sleep in my closet, and I’ll bring you food.”
“You’re going with them, Eves.” He clenches his jaw. “And I’m staying here.”
“What if they take me far away? What if I can’t find you again?”
“There isn’t a universe large enough to stop me from finding you. They could take you to space and I’d steal a fucking rocket ship, okay? I’ll find you again. I swear .” Ryder reaches into his pocket, pulling out a simple, but beautiful necklace with a heart-shaped pendant made of gold. “Until then, I want you to keep this.”
“It’s beautiful.”
“My mother gave it to me the night she died. I vowed never to lose it, and I haven’t, the only thing I’ve ever truly owned.” Ryder runs a thumb delicately over the heart. “Do you know what this is, Evie?”
I shake my head.
“It’s a heart that looks solid but it’s really hollow and filled with darkness, just like mine. If you ever feel like breaking, just touch this necklace and remember you’re stronger than whatever it is, because you have two hearts.”
“Two hearts?”
“Yours.” Ryder wraps my hand around the heart, despite the fear and sorrow, electricity shoots through my veins. “And mine.”
Even his small touch is all encompassing. Hand still wrapped around mine, heat travels up my neck and into my cheeks, burning away my tears. Lifting my eyes, I study him, needing to memorize the way his black eyes soften just for me, the way his face has gone from boyish to beautiful, the way his black hair contrasts against his fair skin.
“And if you ever feel alone, remember that there is someone fighting their way back to you, by whatever means necessary.”
“I don’t think I can survive this.”
“You can. And you have to. You’ll find your footing.” Ryder traces my blush. “Turn around.”
Goosebumps lift on my skin as he pushes my hair away from my neck, gently placing the pendant at my throat, clipping it so it remains in place. A shiny black car rolls to a stop in front of the house, and I close my eyes, knowing we don’t have much more time. “I don’t have anything to give you...how will you remember me?”
Ryder laughs, but it comes out pained. “I couldn’t forget you if the fate of everyone on this planet relied on it. Even if I could, I’d refuse. Fuck them all, anyway.”
Something squeezes in my belly. “That’s big talk for a fifteen-year-old boy.”
“We grew up a long time ago, Eves.”
My heart races. “Ryder?”
“Yeah?”
“I do have something for you.” Lifting onto my toes, I bring my lips to his. It’s barely a whisper, barely a promise, but it’s all I have to give. “My first first. It’s yours to keep forever.”
Ryder brings his fingers to his lips, as if he can still feel the ghost of mine. Car doors close outside, breaking the spell. I need to leave before my legs lock up and refuse. Walking to the door, I pause to take one last look at the boy staring out the window, down at the car I know is waiting. “Do you promise to find me?”
“I promise.”
I take that promise and tuck it away into both of my hearts.