Chapter Twelve Sera
Chapter Twelve
Sera
One of the best features of Northport is its Fourth of July celebration.
While the town doesn’t have its own parade, it has the best carnival and fireworks by far.
Jackson invited me to spend the weekend with his friends on Nantucket, but I wanted to spend the holiday here.
My whole family went down to the carnival on Harborside with Paula, Oliver, and Adam.
Maddy placed second in the pie contest—right behind Mrs. Stone, of course.
Luke was volunteering again, but he’d appear every couple of hours for hot dogs or fried dough, to challenge me to games, and to take his brothers on the rickety rides.
It was almost like old times. Poor Dad has a migraine by the time we’re home to pack our picnic dinner and begs off for the rest of the night.
“The fireworks can go off without me,” he says as he pulls an iced eye mask from the fridge.
“If that’s okay?” He turns toward the hug I wrap him in and holds me tight for a minute while Mom and Abbi fuss around and get him meds and a glass of water.
It’s too bad he’s not feeling well, but it’s nice to be the one taking care of someone else.
“Pizza?” Abbi asks, once Dad’s gone to bed, standing in front of the nearly empty fridge. “It’ll travel well.”
“Fine with me,” I say, sliding into a chair at the kitchen table and lifting my prizes out of my bag.
A tiny stuffed whale, a new set of playing cards featuring different types of sailboats that I slip into the napkin holder, and bright pink jelly shoes I’ll give to Maddy because they’re a little small.
“Can we not do one of those heart-healthy ones, though? I’d die for some real pepperoni. ”
Abbi shrugs and looks at Mom, who is too tired to argue. My last check-in with Dr. Lee went great. She’s happy with how things are looking with the adjusted medication.
I prepare a bagged salad in a Tupperware bowl with a lid as Abbi heats up the oven.
Mom admits there are Oreos hidden in the pantry, and I grab those too, shoving them into the picnic bag along with our travel utensils, waters, seltzers, and a couple of Mom’s mini wines.
While the pizza heats up, Abbi and I change, running through several different outfit options to accommodate cuteness as well as potential cold from the wind or humidity.
I settle on simple jeans and a white tank top that dips a little lower than Mom approves of and tie an old navy-blue hoodie around my waist. I dab glitter on my eyelids and throw on some star-shaped earrings before putting like eight mosquito-repelling stickers along the hem of my jeans.
I grab the food, Abbi gets the beach chairs and a blanket, and we pile into the car.
When we get to Northport Beach, it’s already more than half-full, but Mom’s been texting Paula, and she saved us a spot.
She’s gone all out for their picnic, and Oliver and Adam are sitting quietly, devouring deviled eggs, pigs in a blanket, and her famous brownies.
“Hi, Sera,” Adam says as I sit down. “Do you want a brownie?”
“What kind of question is that?” I ask, and when he looks at me confused, I laugh. “Of course I do. I’d never say no to one of your mom’s brownies.”
“Well, duh.” He laughs and cuts me a piece, placing it on a blue napkin before passing it over carefully. I take it with as much seriousness as I can manage.
“Thank you, sir.”
“You’re welcome…ma’am.” He bows back at me, tipping an invisible hat. I laugh and reach out to muss up his hair. He suddenly looks so much like Luke when we were little that I’m hit with a hard feeling of nostalgia.
Soon the beach is full, as if the whole town is here, even though sunset still hasn’t fully darkened the sky. I’m trying not to get antsy, but it’s bothering me that Luke isn’t here with his family.
“Paula,” I ask, “is Luke here?”
“Oh, somewhere.” She gestures at the crowd. “His friends came and stole him a little while ago, once he was done helping set up. You should go find them.”
I do need to find Maddy, I justify to myself as I stand up. She promised to bring a batch of her newest cookies as a test run for the ones she’s making for the annual blood drive next weekend. “That okay, Mom?” I ask.
“Sure, honey, just bring your phone so you can find your way back when it gets dark.” I wave my phone at her and head off toward a group of kids I recognize from the bonfire, keeping an eye out for Maddy’s brunette bob or Luke’s towering frame.
I’m glad I’m here, I think as I weave around families on the beach.
Doing something new with Jackson’s friends might have been fun, but I missed this tradition.
I hear my name and turn. “Sera!” It’s Izzy, just a few feet away, sitting on a blanket next to Luke.
“Hey,” I say. “Happy Fourth.”
“Wanna sit?” Izzy says, motioning to the spot next to her and moving a small cooler over to make space. She opens it to pull out a couple beers. I look at her cozied up to Luke and shake my head. Luke opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.
“I have to find Maddy, but thanks,” I say. I turn to go, trying to swallow down the sudden lump in my throat.
Seeing them has opened a crack in the wall around my memories from two summers ago, and that Fourth of July comes racing into the front of my mind.
That summer, Luke and I had plans to go watch the fireworks from our beach. I packed snacks and blankets and met him on his back step.
“Hey,” he said, smirking, as he opened the door. “Look what I scored.” He held up two packs of sparklers and a couple beers.
My heart sank a little. I didn’t want to drink.
We weren’t supposed to. I knew his doctors told him almost the same things as mine told me, even though he didn’t need to be on immunosuppressants like I did.
But I felt weird saying that when he was excited, and I didn’t have to have one.
Plus he did seem a little cheerier than he’d been for the last few days.
Something had been bothering him that he wouldn’t share with me no matter how much I bugged him about it.
“Oh,” I managed, “okay. Ready to go?”
At the beach we set everything up on the rock, and Luke drank one of the beers while I nibbled on snacks.
“What’s going on with you?” I finally asked, when he’d finished the can and crushed it under his heel. He ducked his head away from me and shrugged.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing doesn’t make you drink beer when you’ve never had it before,” I said, a little angrier than I meant it to come out.
“I’ve had beer before, Sera,” he said, bristling. I wanted to demand when and with who, but I felt silly and childish. Instead, I scooched closer to him. The sky was dark and clear, the moon low, stars out galore.
“Show me the constellations?” I asked.
To my relief, he leaned into me, a warm pressure that my body focused in on.
The backs of our hands were touching. Luke looked down and intertwined his fingers with mine.
Our eyes met. He squeezed my hand tight, and I could feel our heartbeats pounding away together in my palm.
I leaned a little closer. His breath smelled sour and bready, and it cut straight through the thought I’d had, that maybe I could kiss him.
I wrinkled my nose at him and turned away, grateful I hadn’t done anything stupid.
“The constellations are up there,” I joked, letting go of his hand and pointing to the sky above us. But Luke didn’t look away.
“I don’t want to look at the constellations, Sera,” he said, taking my hand back. My heart started to race, each beat climbing up into my throat.
“What else are we supposed to do while we wait for the fireworks?” I asked, wondering if he was thinking the same thing I’d been thinking before. That it was romantic, out here on our space rock, no one else for miles.
Luke shrugged, then reached for the second beer, breaking the spell. I shifted away from him just as the first fireworks started a mile offshore, vibrating the air around us. I felt lightheaded suddenly, and a little dizzy. I dropped my head onto my knees and closed my eyes for a second.
“Hey, you okay?” Luke asked, looking at me through tired eyes.
“Yeah, fine. I just…” My head was still spinning, and I wouldn’t know it for more than a month, but my heart was struggling right there without my knowing. “I don’t like the smell of the beer,” I said.
Luke leaned away from me. We sat in silence as the fireworks went off. After the finale, my ears were ringing. The shimmer and crackle of the last explosion was raining down on the water, but the silence was still there between us. And it only grew.
Now, as I try to find Maddy in the crowd, I’m having trouble with my emotions. I can’t stop picking them apart. I look down at my outfit. Was I trying to get Luke’s attention tonight, with my scar peeking out and the cute red bra under my white tank? Maybe. Ugh. I don’t know.
“There you are!” Maddy finds me and pulls me out of my head and over to her beach blanket. I’m a little surprised when Luke and Izzy join us, since they seemed so happy just the two of them, but Maddy makes space for them right next to us, even though I wish she wouldn’t.
“Hey,” Luke says, stuffing his hands into his jean pockets. He’s relaxed, happy, and I wonder how much he’s had to drink.
“Hi,” I mutter, moving my eyes from him to Izzy, who is carrying a giant stuffed octopus I mistook as a pillow when I saw them before. She’s wearing it draped over her shoulder like it’s part of her outfit.
“Nice sea creature,” Maddy says, squishing one of the orange tentacles.
“Luke won it for me,” Izzy says, gushing, as Maddy helps reposition it a little.
I tell the jealousy in my stomach to chill out even though I want to scream.
“I’m going to grab a Popsicle,” I say, turning and leaving before offering to get anyone anything.
I throw my brushed-until-silky hair up into a messy bun as I walk and pull my sweatshirt on even though it’s not that cool yet.
I want to erase all the evidence of my efforts to try and look nice.
I wish I’d worn pj’s and maybe a paper bag over my head.
The Popsicle line is long, but I need the time to cool off, so I step to the back and start scrolling through my photos.
I’m looking for a photo I took of Maddy at the diner weeks ago when I land on a picture I took of Luke’s drawing the night of the barbecue.
I pause and zoom in, admiring how he made so much movement happen with so few lines.
I text it to Iris, asking her what she thinks.
“Hey.” Luke surprises me from behind and I almost drop my phone.
“Whoa.” I turn, annoyed. “Hi, again. Are you following me?” It comes out harsher than I mean it to.
“No, I just can’t resist a Firecracker pop,” he says. He smiles, and I give him a tight-lipped one back, then continue looking at my phone. Summer, summer, graduation, prom, Iris’s show in Boston—my year flickering across my screen while Luke stands there.
“Are you mad at me or something?” he asks.
“Nope,” I try, but even I can hear the bitterness in my voice. I slip my phone into my back pocket.
“Yes, you are, Sera. I can tell. Why?”
He’s really trying to be nice, which is why I’m so pissed at myself when all I can say is “Are you dating Izzy?”
“No.” He looks legitimately confused. “Izzy and I aren’t dating. We’re just friends. Like we are. Or we’re supposed to be. Do you not want to be friends?” He takes a step closer, and I flinch away.
“You two are friends with, like, benefits, though, right?”
He sighs and steps back again. “Why do you care? Aren’t you doing the same with that rich kid? Jackson?”
“No.” I waver. “But it’s casual. He knows that.”
“Right. Well, same with me and Izzy.”
“You clearly like her a lot,” I accuse him. “What’s up with claiming it’s not serious?”
“It’s not like that,” Luke says, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“Cool. Well, you fooled me. Ever consider you might be fooling her too?”
Luke stares at me, and I want to shove him like we’re ten and he’s just broken my Lego Millenium Falcon into its individual pieces.
“Look, I just want our friendship back.” His voice is calm, low. I want to tuck myself up inside it. “I thought you wanted that too.”
I look down at my shoes. If I could’ve just followed through with what I said by acting like his friend instead of a jealous kid, we wouldn’t be here.
“I do want that.” I sigh. “Can we just forget this?” I ask, meeting his eyes.
“Forget what?” Luke says with a smirk.
I feel the tension dissipate a little and point to the moving line. “You want one, right?” Luke’s eyes search my face. I feel like he can tell there’s something I’m still not saying, and there is, but right now isn’t the time.
“No. I’m fine, actually. I should get back. My mom is probably dealing with Oliver forgetting his Lactaid right about now. Catch up later?”
“Sure.” When he doesn’t leave right away, giving me a look that pricks at my heart, I add on a “That would be great.” And that seems to work. He leans in like he’s going to hug me, then stops and awkwardly pats me on the shoulder like I’m one of his teammates before he disappears into the crowd.
The first firework goes off, alerting everyone that the show will start in five minutes.
I move to the back of the beach, as close to the dunes as I can get, my Popsicle melting into the sand between my feet.
The sparks of that one solitary explosion fade away into the blue-black sky, and I feel like I’m the thing that’s been shattered into a thousand pops of light, but I don’t know what to do about it.