Chapter Nineteen Sera
Chapter Nineteen
Sera
Like it’s a mirror of two years ago, within twenty-four hours I’m released from the hospital with the knowledge that my heart is struggling and instructions to follow up with Dr. Lee in Boston.
Before we leave, I ask the doctor if I can go to work tomorrow.
I have her repeat to my family that there’s no reason I can’t, as long as I’m being careful and wearing the new monitor they’ve stuck to my chest at Dr. Lee’s request. Abbi goes to object, and I cut her off.
“She’s a doctor, Abigail. I think she knows better than you.” I can’t have them all turning back to overprotective mode. We don’t know how bad it is. I’ll probably be fine. I’m supposed to be fine.
The doctor wishes us well but seems happy to be rid of us and the whole stressful situation. I don’t blame her.
At home, Mom hands me back my bag, and I grab my phone off the counter.
“I’m going to reheat some lasagna, if you’re hungry?” she says.
“Thanks, but I had one of those fancy heart-healthy hospital-approved lunches, so I’m fine.” I move toward the stairs. “I just want to go lie down.”
When I get upstairs, I take a quick shower to wash the hospital smell off of me and change into clean pj’s.
I get into bed and find I’ve missed like ten texts from Maddy and a few from Jackson and Luke, plus a call from each of them.
Shit. Jackson and I were supposed to get lunch today and it totally slipped my mind.
I call Maddy first and ask her if she can come over.
She’s finishing up a shift at the diner and promises to be by after.
I can’t think about Luke yet, so I fiddle with texting Jackson but then suck it up and call. He answers right away.
“Hey, are you okay? Didn’t seem like you to ghost me.”
“Yeah, no, sorry. I…” I don’t want Jackson to be the first person I talk to about this in detail. I want Luke or Maddy. I keep it simple. “I haven’t been feeling well, and I forgot to cancel. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He says it like he means it. “We can meet up when you’re better. I was thinking a day trip to Martha’s Vineyard. We could bike around, get dinner at Nancy’s.”
That should sound exciting and fun. A perfect day with a hot guy who likes me. But it just…doesn’t. And I’m not going to string Jackson along.
“Um, actually, I don’t think I’ll be able to,” I say.
“Okay…” he says, his voice trailing off like he knows there’s more.
“You’re really nice, Jackson, but I don’t see this going anywhere, between us. It’s nothing you did. It just doesn’t feel…right. I’m sorry.”
He’s quiet for a beat.
“All right,” he says finally. I let out a breath. “Thanks for calling to tell me. You’re really fucking cool, Sera. I hope I see you around.”
I thank him and hang up. Relief washes over me as I snuggle under the covers.
*
Maddy wakes me from a nap about an hour later.
“Okay, so…why are you in bed? Why were you MIA? Why did Abbi tell me not to wake you up? What. Is. Happening?!” She hops onto the foot of my bed and plops down two containers of food. I smell fries, which are probably illegal for me right now, and something tart. I dig myself out of the blankets.
“Fry me first,” I say. She hands me two, and I stuff them in my mouth while I think of where to start.
Maddy stares at my chest. I sigh. Guess I’ll start there. The monitor is stuck to my skin above my left boob, causing a rectangular blob beneath my T-shirt.
“What’s that?” she asks, her voice a little shaky.
“A heart monitor.” I eat another fry, and she narrows her eyes in concern at the box. “Temporary,” I add, snatching another. “My doctor wants a week’s worth of readings for normal activity.”
“Okay…but why are you wearing a heart monitor? What happened?”
I take a deep breath and tell her about the weird fight Luke and I had yesterday, then how we snuck out last night to talk. “We were up on the roof at Frappie’s and…I stood up too fast and passed out. He called 911. And then my watch called my parents and Dr. Lee—tattletale.”
“Romantic,” Maddy says. “You’re leaving the important stuff out. Don’t do that. I can take it.”
I look at my friend, her kind eyes and messy hair. I don’t want to be the one who makes her sad, but I don’t want a lot of things.
“My meds aren’t working as well anymore. Or at least they’re starting not to. There’s some stiff muscle that wasn’t stiff before. My ejection fraction fell—not enough blood is pumping out. EBE’s timeline might have just gotten cut in half.”
“In half…” Maddy processes. “So, like, maybe two years instead of five?”
I shake my head. I’m trying not to do the math, because all I can see is a big, blurry image of nothingness in my future.
“I don’t know. My doctor will tell me more after I see her in Boston.
” I push the fries away and poke at the other box.
Maddy opens it to reveal her famous arugula salad topped with strawberries, watermelon, lemon vinaigrette, goat cheese, and a drizzle of honey.
“I probably won’t be able to go to Paris next year,” I say quietly.
I’m devastated. Maddy had already picked out a pastry course and applied to be there at the same time as me.
“Even if I manage to crawl up to the top of the list and a heart becomes available…I don’t know if I’ll recover in time.
I might not ever be able to go.” My voice breaks, and I wipe away tears.
Maddy snaps her head up at that. “What? Don’t say that. You’re going to Paris. Maybe not next summer, sure, but the summer after that, then. And you don’t need the fellowship to go. We can just go. When you have your new heart and you’re ready. Okay?”
I nod, not trusting myself to talk.
“Good.” Maddy plucks a berry from the salad and pops it into her mouth. “Now back up five steps and tell me about what happened with Luke.”
I feel my face crack with a smile I can’t contain despite the epically shitty news, and Maddy gasps.
“Nothing really happened,” I say.
“Bullshit,” Maddy deadpans. I laugh.
“Okay…he said he likes me, like he has feelings for me.”
Maddy squeals and scoots closer to me. “I knew it! What did you say back?”
“Well, nothing…That’s when I passed out.”
“Has he called?”
“Yeah…”
“You should talk to him.” Maddy prods me in the shoulder.
I pick out a piece of watermelon and make sure to get some of the cheese. “Did you know there’s a theory that every heart has a preset number of beats in it?”
Maddy scoffs. “Sounds made-up.”
I shrug. “It’s just a theory. But do you know what happens when I hang out with Luke?”
“Your heart races,” Maddy teases, pretending to swoon across my bed.
“Exactly. I swear, just thinking about him shortens my lifespan.”
“That’s not fair. To him or to you. If the idea is you only have so many heartbeats, then use them for what matters.”
“What if it fizzles out immediately and we ruin our friendship for good? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I die and break his heart?” I sigh and fidget with the edge of my comforter. “What if I’m scared he’ll break mine?”
“Then be scared, but don’t stall your life.”
We spend the rest of the afternoon watching TikTok videos as I pry details out of Maddy about Sienna.
They bought tickets to a concert together that’s not until October, so it must be going well.
After Maddy leaves, I pull out my phone to text Luke.
What I’ve learned in the last day is that I don’t have time to worry about how things will go between Luke and me.
If all I have time for is a long goodbye, I’ll take it, if he’ll let me.
I won’t blame him if he wants to go back to just being friends, though. I’ll take that too.
Sera
meet me at the studio tomorrow after campers leave? Please? I owe you an explanation…good night xo