Chapter 22
Two Years Ago—Ellery
“I like it, but this is America Sings! It needs to be more upbeat.” Logan took out his phone and tapped a reply to something that must have been urgent since he was interrupting the band meeting he had called.
“We’re the Vendetta,” Dante grumbled. “Why do we have to be something we’re not?”
“I’m not dignifying that with an answer, Baker.” Logan tapped at his phone.
Ellery sighed and looked over at Selene and Lorraine. Lately, it seemed like they were more on her side than Dante’s, which was not something she fully wanted to contemplate. Selene twirled one of her drumsticks through her fingers, as she always did when thinking. “What do you guys think?”
Lorraine shrugged. “I really like ‘Centrifuge.’ I think it’s bold and sad and kind of grimy.
But I’ve also seen the winners from that show, and the songs that make it are the ones that get people up and moving.
Also a lot of men win, which, I mean, patriarchy.
Still. There’s a time to be different, and there’s a time to play it safe. ”
Ellery didn’t look at Dante. She knew how he felt about all this. We shouldn’t sell out.
Plus, if she looked at him, she might betray their decision to hide their relationship.
It was getting harder and harder to hide it too.
When he wasn’t around her, he always lurked in the back of her mind.
It was a bit feral, a lot intense. She loved it and hated it simultaneously.
Her mom had said that some relationships were like that—all fire and devotion.
It was about whether the fire lasted, and how much she wanted to take.
We shouldn’t sell out.
But was it selling out if they only tweaked what they were good at for the sake of winning?
Life was overwhelming and she was unprepared. Caught in the spin of you.
Logan, clearly bored with this conversation, pointed a finger at Dante. “A moment, Baker. In private.”
His face pulled into a frown, Dante unslung the bass from his neck and stood. “I’ll be back soon.”
“We’ll be here. Fixing what’s not totally broken.” Selene winked and played a riff on her drums.
Ellery sighed again, which seemed to be her default status lately. Time to work.
Fifteen minutes later she sat in the practice room by herself, just her and Jasper. It would come to her. She knew it would. The words had been flowing since Dante joined the band, and she needed the words so badly.
Spin me around and around and around and around
The hook was all right, but the verses needed to be poppier. Poppier, but not, like, sell-out poppy. It was a fine balance, and she wasn’t sure she had the talent to swing it.
The door to the practice room slammed open, and Dante shoved through it, raking his hands through his hair.
Ellery stood, Jasper still in her hands, but her song forgotten. “Dante? What’s wrong? What happened?” She ran to him and tried to put her hands on his back, anything to soothe him, but he pushed her away.
“Dante?” He had never acted like this before. Hurt and angry and unwilling to talk to her. Her heart swelled and contracted.
He paused by a chair, his chest heaving. “They found out Casper and I are twins. They want us to do a joint interview.”
“What?” She joined him and again tried to take his hand, but he stepped away from her.
“They want to compare me to my brother. On national TV. Make me seem ‘more approachable.’”
“I don’t understand why that’s a thing.”
He turned, pain in his eyes. “It’s a thing because I’m not ready to be outed and compared to my fucking brother, El.
It’s my choices. It’s my life! I can’t let them take any of those from me.
I’ve worked too hard.” The fight evaporated from him and he collapsed into the chair she had vacated.
She placed Jasper on the ground and knelt beside him.
“Of course not.” She rested her hand on his knee. “Look, I’ll call my dad. You don’t have to do this.”
“Wait, your dad knows I’m trans?” His voice was high, full of heat and anguish.
“No, of course not. I wouldn’t tell him. You said we would if and when you felt ready. I wouldn’t do that to you. But he’s a lawyer. He can figure something out.”
He barely relaxed.
“It’s not just that.” Dante wouldn’t meet her gaze as he raked his hands through his long hair. She loved his hair, the way her fingers slipped through it, the way she could grip it and hold on tight while they kissed.
Which, of course, this was not the time. “What do you mean?”
“There’s more.” He heaved a ragged sigh. “They want me to tell my story. About my transition.”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t know. Because they’re assholes who are trying to change and control me?”
Dread pooled in her belly. “Fuck that. It’s your story. You don’t need that aired if you don’t want to share it. This is completely inappropriate.”
He didn’t respond. He covered his face with his hands and sighed, a bone-deep, weary sigh of angst and resignation.
They stayed that way for a long moment. What could she do to help? She felt completely helpless. Her dad. She needed to call her dad. He had been working quietly for the past few months, trying to find a way around the nonfraternization clause without causing waves.
“Dante? Let me go call my dad. This is, like, coercion or something. That’s not legal.” He would fix this. She leaned back on her heels and took her phone from her pocket, but Dante’s voice stopped her.
“I can’t do this.” His voice was hollow, bare, nothing like the Dante she knew and adored. None of his warmth. None of his strength.
It sapped her of her own. “Of course not. Of course you don’t need to do an interview with Casper, or share your story.”
“No.”
It was final, those two letters. And when he turned to face her, she saw it written there too. Tears started in her feet and worked their way up her body.
“No. I mean, I can’t do this, El. I can’t get up on that stage and fuck it up for everyone.”
“You won’t—”
“I can’t keep hiding.”
“What do you—”
“You know what I mean.” He sighed and kicked his feet out in front of him. “I’m proud of who I am. I don’t want to hide. Sneaking around with you… I love you, El. I love you, and I can’t hide anymore. I can’t. I can’t pretend to be someone else. I can’t watch you becoming someone you aren’t.”
Her heart stopped and started and fluttered. He loved her. He had never said it before, not outright. Though she had felt it, hadn’t she? Those nights when it was just them. In the way he looked at her. And she loved him too. She’d be a fool not to admit it.
“Dante, please.” It was all she could say. “Please. We don’t have to hide. I’m not changing, not really. I’m scared too. Okay? The show and the band…it’s all a lot. But we’re strong, right? We can figure this out.”
“It’s not what I want.” He wouldn’t meet her gaze. “I don’t want to pretend to be someone else, someone who’s okay with all of this, while Logan changes you until you’re unrecognizable.”
His words sliced into her. “I want you.” It was not enough, she knew that. He deserved to hear that she loved him. But it all felt too much, too powerful, a wave crashing into her and dragging her into the undertow. “Logan won’t change me. We can figure this out.”
“I can’t work with him.” Dante sank back into the chair beside her and threaded his fingers through the hair at his temples.
She knew exactly how it felt, the soft curls and slight scent of citrus and pine.
“I don’t want this. I want to play my music and be a part of the band, but I don’t want the notoriety that’s going to come from being on this show.
I don’t want the whole shitstorm social media thing. Maybe if I were Casper, but I’m not.”
She was surprised she could speak, since all the air had left the room. “We don’t have to do the show.”
“Yes, you do.” He leaned over and picked up his bass. “You have to. Selene and Lorraine have to. Get your words out there. Inspire people, the way you inspire me.”
Tears rose and caught in her throat. Didn’t he realize he was her inspiration? Her muse?
“I love you, Dante. After the show, I’ll fire Logan. I promise. No more hiding.”
She met his gaze and saw the sorrow and hope commingled there. Her heart and soul burned.
“I hope so, El. I’ll always be there if you need me, but I think you’ll play better without me up there on stage.
” He hesitated, for only a moment. And for a moment, she hoped.
She hoped he would change his mind. The interview was ridiculous, another instance of Logan being an asshole.
They could figure this out. She would never play the same without him.
Then he kissed her on the forehead, his lips so familiar and warm, and she knew. She knew it was over. Really over.
In the end, it was just her and Jasper and a microphone.
* * *
Excerpt,
…And who do you think we saw last week canoodling outside Rocking Reilly’s? Two of the rising stars of the Vendetta, who are supposed to be submitting a song for this season of America Sings! We suspect Logan Groff won’t be thrilled about this…
Excerpt, It’s Music, Not Gossip
…So Dante Baker left town quietly last week, and Groff is already on the search for a new bassist. We suspect Groff is going to build up Ellery Vaughn as more of a solo act than the Vendetta allowed. We’ll see how Selene and Lorraine manage that.
The real question is why Baker left. Arguably, the band excelled while he played with them, and now he’s Seattle bound, per our reporter at LAX.
Our sources say Groff has been unusually cheerful lately. That can’t be good…