Chapter 16 #3
“Todd could never,” she says, and I acknowledge her with an eye roll.
The way Todd was so nonchalant about my migraines always rubbed Hazel the wrong way.
She told me constantly that I deserved better and I told her constantly that I was used to taking care of myself and she told me constantly that I shouldn’t have to.
“And then today he took me to the house he’s working on for a client and we…um…hooked up in the pool.”
“At his client’s house?!”
I hide my face in my hand again.
“Oh my god, sweet little Abby doing dirty things in hot tubs and pools. Cabo has changed you! I love this. Winnie is going to love it.”
I want to pull my blankets over my head and hide until her teasing stops. “It’s not bad that it’s Miles?”
“Girl, who cares? You’re having a good time, that’s what matters.”
“It doesn’t matter that he’s my ex?”
“I mean, you’re not falling in love with him again, are you?”
“No.”
I said it too quickly, and the silence that lingers in the aftermath of my answer makes me sound guilty as hell.
“I’m so serious, Haze. I’m not falling for him again. I like his company, and the kissing is fun, but I don’t have feelings for him.”
“Yet. The rest of that sentence is yet.”
She isn’t scolding me, but she is saying the quiet part out loud. She knows I know. After fifteen years of friendship, we speak each other’s language.
“And let me be super clear that I’m not telling you to stay away from him. You’re a grown-ass woman who has been in therapy and you know yourself and your limits, and so I’m not going to tell you to stop anything. And I suspect that even if you said you wanted to stop, you don’t actually want to.”
I open my mouth to speak, but realize I need an extra second to think, so I release my held breath.
Hazel named the thing I’ve been trying to identify.
I don’t want to stop seeing him. I don’t want to stop kissing him.
I don’t want to stop whatever is in motion, because I’m enjoying all of it.
I like the way he makes me feel. Since we left the pool today, I’ve felt taller, more…
powerful. I feel sexy and desired, and I haven’t felt like this in a really long time.
Not since college. Even before my shower, when I was looking at myself in the mirror, I swear I looked different.
I feel different—good, even.
Between what happened today and the burnout fading away, I’m starting to feel more like myself than I have in a long time.
I would be lying if I said Miles didn’t have anything to do with that.
“Is it bad that I want to spend time with him?”
“It’s not bad,” she reassures me.
“I just don’t understand it. I know he’s probably as emotionally unavailable as he was in college.
There’s no real future for us. What are we going to leave here and try to date?
The man can’t stay in one place for more than six to nine months.
I left my hometown for college and then moved back. We’re incompatible…so why—”
“You’re so in your head, Abby,” Hazel says. “I’m just going to throw this out there, but like…what if you just let yourself want him? And lived in the present and enjoyed this for what it is and let it be a little vacation romance.”
I chew on the inside of my lip.
I already have a big decision to make while I’m here. The added pressure of another decision does sound like too much. It doesn’t sound nearly as fun as simply enjoying his company while I’m here.
Maybe he just wants a little vacation fling, too. He’s said he doesn’t have a great track record of commitment, so maybe he doesn’t want anything to happen after this either.
“You know, you have this history with him and that makes it complicated. You two used to love each other and maybe you still do, or maybe what exists between you two is just…chemistry. You have, what…three days left?”
“Two and a half. Day ten is just a half-day.”
“Given the timeline, this is like…way too short a time to make any kind of a decision if you’re feeling this way.”
It’s a really good point.
I’ve been keeping Miles at arm’s length because I was certain that if we fell back into bed with each other, we’d fall in love again. But it hasn’t happened yet and it’s not going to happen in the next three days.
“So I can just…spend time with him and—”
“And it doesn’t have to mean anything. Or it can be the start of something, and if that’s the case, you’d have to have a conversation about it. Maybe you have one anyway, just to be on the same page.”
“You’re being very mature about this. I thought for sure you’d tell me to run in the other direction,” I say.
“I kind of want to. I’d punch a hole in his stupid face if he broke your heart again and I don’t really want you to give him that kind of access to you again. And! I believe people are capable of change. Even stupid boys.”
Hazel grew up in a conservative religious household, and when she came out to them, they practically disowned her.
She still doesn’t talk to her parents, but her brother has been reaching out.
He stopped going to church, and he and Hazel have had a lot of good conversations.
He’s apologized, and he’s supposed to visit her and Winnie soon.
Hazel has always held out hope that her family would come around, and although she doesn’t try to reach out, if they did, I know she would open the door to them.
Winnie doesn’t think she should be so forgiving given how they cut Hazel off, but Hazel sees the best in people, and she has a tender heart.
That tender heart is also why their house is practically a zoo.
As if on cue, a dog starts to whine. There’s a scratching sound, like one of her dogs is pawing at a door.
“Oh, hey, Abs, I gotta let Oscar out.”
Oscar is a dachshund, named after the hot dog brand. He’s a senior dog and has bladder issues sometimes.
“Go go go. I’ll text you. And I’ll see you in four days!”
Hazel blows me a kiss and hangs up as she’s climbing off the couch.
I had hoped we would talk a little longer so I could tell her about the community college application and decision, but I’m a little relieved we didn’t get to it.
I’m still in knots about what to do, and time is ticking.
I keep hoping I’ll just wake up one day and know the answer, but it hasn’t happened yet.
As for Miles, I feel clearer than I have in days.
I’m going to let myself want this, and more than that, I’m going to let myself enjoy it.