Chapter 20
MILES
My brother agrees to meet us for dinner, but I regret leaving Abby’s room the second we step foot outside.
“We should go back to your bed,” I say, catching her hand in mine and intertwining our fingers.
“I need to eat or I will be deeply unpleasant,” she says.
“We’ll order room service, eat in bed.”
“Easy for you to say; we’re not getting crumbs in your bed.”
“Okay, we’ll eat in my bed and go back to yours for the night.”
“And your brother?”
“Don’t even know him. Who? Fuck that guy.”
Abby’s chuckle tugs at my own lips. She’s irresistible in her navy-blue sundress with its thin little straps on her sun-kissed shoulders. Shoulders that I would like to sink my teeth into. I can’t stop looking at her. Can’t stop thinking about all the different places I’d like to kiss her, to—
“Eyes on the road, Miles.”
I pull her in to me, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Her arm snakes around my waist.
“Fine, but you have to be closer to me then.”
“Your brother will—”
“Don’t care. Let him wonder. The marks on your neck tell plenty of the story.”
“I tried to cover them.” Her hand flies to her neck and her cheeks pink. “I’d hoped my hair would hide the worst of it.”
She smooths her hand over her hair, trying to gather it closer to her neck, the glossy beachy waves succumbing to the humidity the longer we’re outside.
“Are you nervous?” I ask.
She glances up at me and then away. “I don’t know!”
“It’s just my brother.”
“I know, but, like…the last time I saw him we were actually dating and it was over a decade ago and I don’t know. I— It’s just a bit odd, I guess.”
“Is it possible you’re overthinking it?” I ask.
“Is it possible you’re underthinking it?” she counters.
“I don’t underthink anything. I’m—”
“Miles!” The voice of my younger brother cuts me off as we approach the Japanese restaurant. He walks out to meet us, and I unwillingly detach from Abby to hug Gray.
I swear he gets more solid every time I see him.
He’s always been a bit lanky, but since moving to San Francisco, he’s been running and lifting and he looks less and less like that high school kid I left behind when I went to college and more like an adult.
He looks like a younger version of me given that we have the same face shape, but he got our mom’s lighter brown hair and green eyes.
“Do my eyes deceive me or is an angel among us?” Gray says with a dramatic sweep of his arms in Abby’s direction. She fights a smile, blushing and greeting my brother with a hug.
“Are you seriously hanging out with this guy again?” Gray asks in a muted voice, but loud enough for me to hear.
“He wouldn’t leave me alone,” Abby says innocently.
“Oh, so he harassed you into hanging out with him again.”
“It’s worse. I’m actually his hostage.” She mouths the words “help me” to him dramatically.
“You two are hilarious,” I say, walking toward the restaurant entrance.
Gray catches up to me and loops an arm around my neck. He’s only a few inches shorter than me, but I’m forced to lean in with the weight of his arm pulling me down.
“It’s because we love you. Well, I love you. I won’t speak for Abby.”
My throat dries up at the L word. Gray has always used it more liberally than I have, but that’s not what sets my heart racing.
Just the mention of Abby and love and me has the energy around us shifting to something more awkward.
I risk a glance at Abby, but her eyes are averted.
Gray has not even noticed the weird vibes and plants a loud smack of a kiss on the top of my head before releasing me.
They seat us in a booth, and I opt to sit next to Abby and across from Gray.
I enjoy looking at her, but I want to keep her close to me, to be able to hold her hand under the table if I want to.
After tomorrow, I don’t know when I’ll be able to again and I want to take advantage of her physical proximity while I have it.
We’re all silent as we study the menu, Gray’s confession of love and the following comment still lingering around us, just hanging in the air as if hoping for acknowledgment, but I’m just doing my best not to get my hopes up in any way, shape, or form.
It’s hard not to. I feel like a high schooler trying to interpret every look she gives me, every word she says, thoughts circling in my head like a coin in a funnel.
Does that look mean she wants me? When she said that, did it mean she has feelings for me? Does any of it mean she wants to be with me?
I get a brief reprieve from my thoughts as we order beer and piles of sushi and appetizers—enough for twice the number of people we have at our table—but they start up again once the conversation is going.
“So this resort is pretty sweet,” Gray says. “I can’t believe you’ve been living here for, what…three months?”
“Two, and probably still have another month or two to get it all wrapped up.”
“I thought you were close to being done?” Abby says. “It looks close to done.”
Did she ask that because she doesn’t want me to stay for a long time? Or does she want me to stay here for longer so she can slip out of my life as if she never came back into it at all?
“You saw it?” Gray asks.
“I did. It’s really stunning.”
“The pool is particularly nice,” I say and smirk as Abby’s cheeks turn bright red.
“You do pools?” Gray asks.
“Nah, but I can appreciate the work the pool guys do.”
“And when it’s all done, what will you do?” Gray asks as the waiter drops our beers off at the table.
“The work may finish out in a month or so, but then scheduling the inspectors to come and make sure it’s all up to code. That could take another couple of weeks. I might be able to fly back and stay with my mom for a week or something in between. Could stay here. I have options.”
“Yeah, but I mean, like, after that? What’s the next job?” he pushes.
“I just bought another house to flip, actually. So might do that before any more client work. Got some leads out, though.”
“Where’s the house?” Gray asks.
I glance over at Abby, who’s looking at me expectantly, wanting the answer to Gray’s question. I swallow hard.
“Rhode Island.”
Abby stills beside me, not even breathing for a few seconds.
I try to be casual about checking her face for a reaction, but she’s not even looking at me.
She’s picking at the label on her beer bottle.
I used to be able to read Abby easier than I could read anyone, but our time apart means that she’s a language I’m not fluent in anymore, and in moments like this, it makes my chest feel too tight.
“Oh, sick. I’ve never been there. Can you fly me out to visit you there, too?” Gray laughs, but it sounds too loud in my ears.
“Yeah, for sure,” I say, my own voice distant to me.
Abby still hasn’t looked at me, and I still have no idea how she feels about the fact that I bought a house in Rhode Island.
A waiter comes by with our first round of food—edamame, shrimp tempura, yakitori, and gyoza. As Abby and Gray start to load up their plates, it becomes clear that my moment for asking her how she feels about the house has passed.
I have to just make it through this dinner and then I can ask her. I can ask her everything I want to ask her. And I need to, if for no other reason than to soothe the buzzing inside of me.
I wish I could run right out of this restaurant and onto the beach and not stop running until my brain stops spinning and my insides feel calm again.
I shouldn’t have skipped the gym this morning, but my knee still isn’t feeling amazing and skipping really was the best choice for my body. Maybe not for my brain.
But I can’t just leave dinner, so instead of running, I select appetizers for my plate and pretend I’m fine. Like there isn’t a swarm of bees in my head.
“Abby, tell me what you do for work,” Gray prompts her. She tells him, and they talk about their jobs, eventually steering the conversation toward why Abby is here at the resort at all. She tells him it’s supposed to be her honeymoon and Gray asks Abby if she wants him to dox her ex for her.
I wish I could appreciate watching them get along.
Under the buzzing, there’s a vague sense of rightness, these two pieces of my world colliding.
Gray and Abby have met before, but it was over a decade ago, and we were all very different people.
Seeing them chat and laugh has me imagining a future where the three of us can enjoy each other’s company more often, but that would mean that it’s a future where Abby and I are together.
And I can’t tell if she wants that.
A small hand presses on my thigh, and I snap out of wherever I just went, giving my attention to Abby.
“Your leg was jiggling like crazy,” she says. “Are you okay?”
Her voice is low, like she’s trying to steal a private moment for us in front of my brother.
I nod, probably too enthusiastically because she narrows her eyes at me like she doesn’t believe me.
She doesn’t remove her hand from my thigh, her thumb stroking a comforting up and down rhythm.
My leg isn’t shaking anymore, and my insides feel less wild.
I reach under the table and lay my hand on hers, squeezing it for reassurance of her presence. She squeezes my fingers too, and it steels me for where I’m about to move the conversation to.
“Hey, uh, how’s Dad?”
Gray lowers the yakitori stick that was angled toward his mouth. His jaw is slack, but his whole body is frozen. I can feel Abby’s eyes on me, too, and she squeezes my hand under the table so hard that my fingers pinch together awkwardly.
Gray’s eyes shift to Abby and then back to me. He straightens, setting his food down. “Hey, so, what the fuck?” he asks.
“What?”
“You never ask about Dad. You have told me in many ways that you have no interest in hearing about him and that if I bring him up, you will leave the room. Are you looking for a reason to escape?”
“No. I’m…I’m just…”