Chapter 23
MILES
I was dreaming about her.
I was replaying the day we met at the pool, except in the dream, we’re not exes.
In the dream, we’re on our honeymoon and she’s just greeting me because I went for a swim without her and she’s happy to see me get out of the pool and come give her a kiss.
She’s wearing a fat diamond on her left ring finger and her smile… god, her smile is—
BANG. BANG. BANG.
A loud, horrible noise jolts me out of sleep and drops me right into reality. I’m not on my honeymoon. I’m alone in the resort bedroom I’ve been living in for two months, empty beer cans from last night littering my side table and the floor next to my bed. My head is pounding.
The loud banging at my door starts again.
“For fuck’s sake.”
I haul myself out of bed and crack open the door. I squint against the minimal amount of light that comes in, though thankfully it’s still dark outside and no sun blinds me.
“You look like shit,” Gray says.
“Thanks,” I say and leave the door cracked for him, shuffling back to bed. I crawl under the covers and pull them over my head.
“What are you doing? We’re going to the gym.”
“No.”
“Since when do you want to skip the gym?”
Since I ruined my fucking life last night and I want to wallow in peace.
The conversation with Abby could not have gone worse.
Not only does she not want to be my girlfriend—she said some things that keep circling in my mind and the only way I could get rid of them was by drinking myself to blackout last night and passing out.
“I need space.”
“I don’t trust you.”
“You seem to care more about my yes than what I want.”
I am such an asshole.
But I don’t know that I could have done last night any differently. I was so confident she wanted what I wanted. I was sure, given everything over the last few days, that she was as into me as I am into her. And I was so fucking wrong.
And when I realized I was wrong, I felt choked with fear. I literally felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was losing her in real time. Again. And I just thought if I could hold onto her that everything would be okay.
I felt sick and scared and I’m so ashamed of my behavior, but I don’t know how to be different. I still feel sick and scared and that’s why I’m not leaving my room today.
I wasn’t going to work anyway; I had the day off to be with Abby on her last day. She’s flying out later this afternoon, but I don’t want to run into her. So I’ll leave my room tomorrow. I’ll go back to work and throw myself into it and figure out how to clean up my life another day.
“I’m not going to the gym, Gray.”
“Like hell you’re not. Obviously something happened with you and Abby, and I want all the juicy details, so you’re going to get your ass to the gym and tell me what happened.”
My throat closes up and tears press against the backs of my eyes. I push the palms of my hands into my eyes. I’m not fucking crying. I’ll never stop if I start.
“Come on. It’ll be good for you,” Gray says.
“Fine,” I say, throwing back the covers. “Go away. I’ll meet you there in ten.”
“I’m waiting outside your room,” he says and shuts the door behind him before I can tell him otherwise.
If I sit in bed all day, I’ll end up crying and probably drinking more. Gray is right—moving my body will be good for me. If I really want to, I can lie in bed all day after that, but I have to do something with these feelings, and going to the gym or running is the only way I know to get them out.
I reluctantly dress, and Gray and I walk to the gym together. It’s still early enough that the resort isn’t awake yet. Most of the world isn’t awake yet, either, as the sun herself is still sleeping.
But Destiny isn’t sleeping. She’s waiting inside the gym, hands on her hips.
“Where have you been?” she chides. “Three days I come here and you are nowhere to be found.” She gestures to my brother. “And then you show up with your twin.”
“He’s my younger brother, not my twin.”
“I do not care. What kind of magic trick is this?” Destiny asks.
The mention of magic just reminds me of Abby, and I exhale a sharp sigh through my nose. I do not have the energy for this.
“Please, can we just…?” I gesture to the empty gym equipment.
“Gray,” he says and holds out his hand to Destiny. She introduces herself, returning his shake. “He’s dealing with a bit of a sore heart; you’ll have to forgive him.”
“Is it that girl?” Destiny asks as we all move into the gym space. I start with my warm-up on the treadmill, and Gray and Destiny take up a place on the machines on either side of me.
“Yeah, it’s the girl.”
“Your ex-girlfriend,” Destiny clarifies.
“Abby,” Gray confirms.
Just her name has my chest feeling tight, and I rub at it, as if that would ease the ache, but of course it does nothing because the pain isn’t on the outside.
“What did you do?” Destiny asks.
“Thank you for assuming it was my fault.”
“You are a boy—it probably is your fault,” she says.
“It’s a long story,” I mutter, turning up the speed on the treadmill. My heart rate starts to pick up. It won’t be long before my head clears, then maybe I can talk about it.
“I have time,” Destiny says.
I ignore her, focusing instead on the steady thump of feet against the treadmill belt. The drone of the machine and the rhythmic steps are my meditation, and by the time my warm-up is done, I already feel a little more grounded.
Sweat therapy is all I needed.
Gray, Destiny, and I move to the machines and start our respective workouts. About halfway through my second set of chest presses, Destiny tries again.
“Ready to talk about it?” She hovers nearby. Gray is spotting me, standing behind my head.
I rack the weights and sit up on the bench, propping my elbows onto my knees. I pick at a stray hangnail and tell them what happened. How I asked her to be my girlfriend and she asked for time to decide. How I thought we were on the same page, but I feel like I was reading a different book.
“I know how selfish I sound, and I can see in retrospect how badly I fucked that conversation up. And I lost her. I lost her again. And I—”
I choke on my own words as my chest tightens, squeezing sensations zipping from my heart straight to my throat. I feel exactly like I did last night, like everything around me is collapsing and I’m once again losing the only thing I ever wanted outside of hockey.
My heart rate picks up, and I stand abruptly, unable to draw in a full breath.
My lungs aren’t working properly; something is stuck in my diaphragm.
I set my hands on my ribs and lean back, hoping it will help me get some air, but it doesn’t help.
It’s too stuffy in here, and my breaths are coming in too quick.
I need to go outside. My heart is beating too hard, too fast. I can feel it in my throat, in my wrists. Am I having a heart attack?
I press my hand to my chest and lean over. I feel dizzy, but not world-spinning dizzy—more like at any moment my feet will lift off the floor. I’m in danger. I am not okay. I have to get out of here so I can fucking breathe.
“Miles, are you—” my brother starts, but I’m already out the gym doors, trying to catch my breath, walking in circles, pressing on my chest. Tears are in my eyes and I don’t even care, because I think I’m dying and my hands are starting to go numb.
I shake them out, my breathing coming even quicker now.
I’m vaguely aware that I’m hyperventilating, but I can’t seem to stop.
Oh, fuck. Fuck, this is so bad. This is—
Gray’s hand alights on my back. “Hey, hey. Miles, breathe, buddy.”
“I ca—I can’t. I can’t. I can’t catch—it’s—” I gasp for air, tears streaming down my face. I have never felt so scared in my entire life and I don’t know why.
Gray grabs my arms, forcing me to be still. “Look at me,” he says, and his commanding voice yanks my attention to him. “Breathe with me.”
Gray takes an exaggerated breath in, and I try to mirror him, but my breath gets caught somewhere. I still can’t take a full breath. I can’t breathe.
“I can’t,” I say.
“You can. You’re doing great. Let it out.” He purses his lips and exhales through them.
I do the same, but it’s a shorter breath.
“Through the nose,” he says and sucks in air through his nostrils. I try to mimic him and manage a slightly longer inhale. “Out through the mouth,” he instructs, and I push the air out through my mouth.
We do this a few times, and I feel like I’m coming back to Earth. My heart rate is starting to slow, my hands don’t feel numb anymore, and I seem to be able to catch a full breath every few tries.
Nothing is spinning and I don’t feel scared anymore.
“Here,” Gray says, and Destiny offers a cold water bottle to me. “Hold that for a second, and just focus on how cold it feels, okay?”
I do what he tells me, honing my thoughts on the water bottle in my hand. The cold is a welcome relief, and as the coolness transfers into my hands, my heart slows even more, and I start to really come back to myself.
“Drink,” Destiny instructs. I crack open the water bottle and down half of it.
“Holy shit, what just happened to me?” I ask, looking between Gray and Destiny.
“I think you had a panic attack,” Gray says.
Is that what that was? I just felt like I was dying.
“How do you know?” I ask.
“My roommate gets them sometimes.”
I rub at my chest again, at the phantom pain lodged there. “You’ve seen this before?”
Gray nods, his lips pinched in a thin line.
“Perhaps a visit to the doctor, my friend?” Destiny says. “The man at the resort here is very kind.”
She pats me on the shoulder, and I’m glad for it. Her touch is also bringing me back to myself.
I feel like a leaking balloon—like all the air left me, leaving me a shriveled, deflated thing, but slowly it’s coming back. The hole is patched and I’m filling out again. I take a full, deep breath, and although I still feel shaky, I also feel better.
“Let’s finish the workout,” I say.
Gray and Destiny exchange a look.