Chapter 24
ABBY
“Honey, we’re home!” Hazel’s voice calls out from the front door where she’s let herself in. She’d had a spare key since I moved in and knows she’s always allowed to just come over whenever. She doesn’t abuse it, and it comes in handy when she comes over in the evening.
“And we come bearing gifts,” Winnie says, her voice carrying from the bottom of the steps up to where I am in the living room.
Seconds later, the girls appear at the top of the steps, Winnie with pizza boxes and Hazel with a cat carrier and a six pack of beer.
“Oh my god, you are so tan,” Winnie comments as soon as she sees me. She takes the pizzas to the kitchen, sets them on a table, and wraps me up in a hug.
“No fair, I wanted the first hug!” Hazel whines from behind us.
“Your arms are full,” Winnie points out.
“Please, ladies, there’s enough of me to go around,” I say and take the beer from Hazel, handing it off to Winnie. Hazel sets down the cat carrier and picks me up with her hug.
“Ten days is way too long without you,” Hazel says.
“You guys had a video call,” Winnie says.
“Only twice!” Hazel protests.
“It’s so good to see you guys,” I tell them after I’ve been released from all hugs. I crouch down in front of the cat carrier and scratch at the mesh between me and a beautiful gray senior cat.
“Hi, Captain.”
He rubs a chubby cheek along the mesh where my finger is.
“Did you have us bring him because you’re adopting him?” Hazel asks.
I look up to where Hazel and Winnie are watching me and Captain expectantly.
“Yes,” I say, and they both squeal, drawing me into a group hug once I’m standing again.
“My guest room was already clean and has a nice big window if he wants to watch the birds, and a bed if he wants to hide under that. I have some food and water set up. I went to the pet store today and picked up some things just to tide him over, but you guys can tell me if he likes anything specifically.”
I lead them down the hall to the guest room, where Winnie perches on the bed. Hazel and I take to the floor, and she unzips the carrier, letting Captain decide if he wants to come out yet or not.
He creeps one paw out and then the other, each movement calculated and cautious, all the while sniffing like a bunny looking for a meal.
“I’m so glad you’re taking him,” Hazel says. “He’s going to be so good for you. And you’re going to be so good for him.”
“What changed your mind?” Winnie asks.
“I don’t know, I was just missing him a lot while I was there. Got to thinking how nice it might be to come home to a furry friend. And I finally feel like I have my life together since Todd. Mostly.”
Captain makes his way over and flops in front of me, showing me his belly. I don’t take the bait, but run a finger over his soft head while he purrs.
“Well, we’ll make sure you have everything you need,” Winnie promises.
“Are you hungry now or do you wanna chat for a bit and wait to eat?” Hazel asks, wiggling her fingers on the ground to tempt Captain close, but he ignores her, sniffing around the space.
“Let’s make sure Captain is okay and then we’ll go eat,” I say.
“And we can talk about Miles while we wait?” Hazel asks.
I wince even though I knew it was coming. I want to talk about it, but it still stings to think about.
I barely slept after my last conversation with him.
I tossed and turned. I almost called him to come over and hold me just so I could sleep.
I almost took it all back about a hundred times, but I held onto my conviction that I was doing what was right for me and that it mattered.
I had to tell myself that Miles reacted out of fear and not out of a place of being right.
Part of me is honored that he so selfishly fought for me to be his girlfriend, but he did it because he was scared to lose me, and is being scared to lose someone really the same thing as wanting them?
I didn’t see him on my last day, even though I looked for him every time I left my room. I’d hoped he would come by and tell me he changed his mind and he would be willing to just date while we get to know each other better.
But no such thing happened.
I flew home, came back to an empty apartment, and cried myself to sleep, because the only thing worse than coming home from your honeymoon alone is having just spent your honeymoon with your ex-boyfriend and coming home knowing he doesn’t want you either.
“Yeah, we can talk about Miles,” I say, and tell them everything.
I tell them about the lighthouse, the dinner with his brother, and the sunset sail.
I recount our conversation, the way it felt like he couldn’t hear me, the way he was so fixated on certain things I said.
I defend him because I know Hazel will think the worst of him and offer some choice words about what she thinks of him.
“And now? Where are you at now?” Winnie asks.
“I won’t lie, I miss him,” I said.
“Do you feel any differently than you did in Cabo? About wanting to be his girlfriend?” Winnie asks.
“No. I—I want to get to know him. I think there is a part of me that wants to rush into a relationship with him, but I want more time with him first. I still feel strongly about that.”
“Good,” Winnie says.
“I’m really proud of you, Abs,” Hazel says. She reaches out to squeeze my hand. “I’ve known you for a billion years, and I have been begging you to speak up and say what you want and what matters to you and I am so proud that you did it. It must have been really hard.”
Winnie reaches out as well, clasping a hand on my shoulder. “I’m really proud of you, too, Abby.”
My chin wobbles, and I try to blink back tears, but I’m unsuccessful. They cascade down my cheeks as my two closest friends in the world hold onto me.
“I feel so silly. I thought he would hear me. He was so insistent that I use my voice every other time we were together and I thought he would see me.”
“His inability to hear you in that moment has nothing to do with you, Abs. That is a him problem,” Hazel says. “You did the right thing for you and that’s all you can do. The way other people respond is out of your hands.”
I nod. I know she’s right. I felt it in my bones that his response had nothing to do with me.
“I’m not used to speaking up, so it was difficult to be met like that.”
“Do you think it’ll stop you from doing it again?” Winnie asks.
“No. I think I’ll still be scared, but it felt really good to say what I wanted instead of just bending to become whatever someone else wanted me to be.”
“That’s what matters,” Winnie says. “The rest will come with time.”
Captain sniffs his way over to me and tentatively crawls onto my lap, one paw at a time, cautiously settling himself on top of my folded limbs. I run my hand over his back and feel the vibrations of his purring on my legs.
“Do we think Miles will come around?” Hazel asks. “Do you want him to?”
I keep my eyes on Captain; it’s easier this way, not having to look my friends in the eyes. “I feel like I’m supposed to tell you that I’m done with him and I’m closing the door on him and I never want to hear from him again, but I would be lying.”
“In the spirit of using your voice, I think you should tell us exactly what you want. Fuck the shoulds,” Hazel says.
I inhale a shaky breath, hoping this is like working out—the more I do it, the stronger I get.
“I want to know what would happen if we tried again. I want him to apologize and say that he’s willing to just date me before we commit to anything.
I want him and I hate it because what if he can’t get past his own stuff and I have to get over him all over again? ”
“Then you will. You’ve done it once and that time you were way more in love than you are right now.
The good news is that you are an expert in healing from heartbreak now, and although that’s not something anyone wants to be, it does make you capable.
And, plus, you have us,” Hazel says and glances at Winnie.
“And Captain,” Winnie adds.
“Never underestimate the love of a pet when healing the heart,” Hazel says.
As if on cue, Captain sits up, stretching his legs and arching his back. He stands on my lap and looks up at me, then bumps the top of his forehead against my chin.
“I swear that cat loves only you,” Winnie says.
“And I love him,” I say and peck a tiny kiss to his soft head. He butts my face again, just a soft tap of his head against my own. “It was about time we made it official, right, Captain?”
Hazel does an imitation of Captain’s voice, gruff with an odd accent. “Yes, thank you, kind lady.”
“Do we think he’s Scottish?” I ask.
“That was a British accent,” Hazel says.
“Oh…uh…” I glance at Winnie, who just shakes her head. I grimace.
“I get the point. I’ll work on my accents,” Hazel says.
“Ready for pizza?” Winnie asks, climbing off the bed.
I set down Captain and close the door behind me.
We settle on the couch with cheese pizza and beer. While Winnie and Hazel dig in, I steer the conversation to their lives because even though I have more to share, I need to really steel myself for the next part of the conversation.
They update me on all their animals and mention that the shelter they foster for just made a big rescue at a puppy mill not far from here and they’ll probably be bringing a puppy into their already chaotic household of animals.
“Just to foster,” Hazel insists. “We won’t adopt them.”
Winnie and I share an eye roll because Hazel says that every time.
Hazel and Winnie both talk about their jobs. Winnie’s business was nominated for an award with the local chamber of commerce, and I mark the ceremony date in my calendar for the fall.
“Oh, speaking of the fall, I know your job doesn’t really give you a ton of time off during the school year, but do you think you could take a few days? Winnie turns thirty-five this year and we want to get a cabin in the Poconos for a long weekend.”
“Yeah, I could totally do that. Um…mostly because I will not be teaching next year,” I say.