14. Vessa
14
Vessa
E verything was going fine until it’d hit me like a wave. I was angry. For the first time, I was in the presence of someone who didn’t make me feel like I was vacant. Ryder was there, in the flesh, laughing and smiling with me. He was in the moment, enjoying the simplicities this fucked-up world had to offer, and he managed to somehow smile through the darkness. It was a side of him I hadn’t expected to see. The radiance in his eyes and how that arrogant cowboy looked at me made me feel… good.
Damn him to hells. I tossed another slice into my mouth.
In my mind, I was soaring above the clouds, looking down at an ominous ocean, glad I wasn’t beneath the waves…until I was, and I crashed through them hard. I was so gods-damn angry about how something so simple could rip open the memories of her . Ma always made the best apple pie, and I hated the feeling of missing her. The undertow of grief swept me away to this cliffside as I silently held back my sobs, and tried to enjoy the delicious apple. I was losing the fight against my own tears as the Desert of Miera became a blur. My sister’s excited nudge carved a phantom pain across my heart, remembering how she would stir me awake to say Ma had been making our favorite.
Fuck the hells.
I’d sensed the fall the moment my knees were brought to my chest—a kick to the gut once the flavors had settled in.
I couldn’t risk Ryder seeing me break, nor Pa hearing any muffled sobs. I looked over my shoulder to the empty space where Ryder had been, then to Pa. He hated seeing me cry. He didn’t want to see it at all, actually. I had to lock away my pain and release it anywhere I could. All this time, I’d fed these lands nothing but death, relishing in taking lives along with their coins and watering its soil with their blood. Maybe that’s why I had always been a wreck and a monster. Because he’d forced me to become one.
At least my stomach wasn’t growling anymore. Who knew when Raven would be back?
Every breath I took burned the muscles in my body. Another inconvenience, stroking its reminder that I was completely screwed. I needed more tonic, but I was too prideful to ask.
Sighing, I wiped my cheeks and walked back into the cave, staring at the empty space again. With Raven gone and Pa asleep, despite feeling fatigued, I decided to find Ryder. Maybe he could help me forget again, even if it was for a short while.