Chapter 17
Back on board the train after a day full of festive fun, I hurry to my cabin. I’m eager for a moment alone to process the kiss. I fall on the plush bed and do a bit of doomscrolling. Nothing like not thinking when you’re supposed to be thinking. An avoidance tactic.
My phone rings with an incoming video call. I swear to God Rox has some alert that tells her when I’m online and in an emotional bind. ‘Hey, Rox. How are you?’ I say smooth as anything.
Her face flickers on screen. Today she’s gone for vampish make-up, which suits her edgy nature. ‘Good, good. And you?’
I will myself not to blush or she’ll see it and the interrogation will begin. ‘Great. We spent the day in Hamburg, the most magical Christmas-filled city. I’d love to come back one day, there’s so much that we just didn’t have time to see.’
‘Nice. Did you go to the St Pauli Christmas market?’
I try to place the name, but it doesn’t sound familiar. ‘No, we went to the one by the town hall. Why, is that one better?’
She nods. ‘Yes, much better. It’s situated in the red-light district. An adults only, queer-friendly, X-rated affair with strip shows and live music, but still decidedly festive. Full of erotic gifts brimming with sensuality and spiciness. You still have time if you head there now.’
‘Yikes.’ I absolutely cannot handle any more sensuality for one day. I’m still reeling from the chaste-but-sizzling kiss with Jasper. ‘That’s more your speed, Rox. I’d be scandalised, I’m sure.’
My little sister gives me a wry smile. ‘True. So, I have news.’
I sit up straight. ‘Freya’s had the baby?’
‘No, no, she’s still waddling around the village with ankles the size of arms. What’s that about?’
‘Poor Freya. She should be elevating her legs and resting.’
‘Yeah, apparently… Wait.’ Her eyes narrow. ‘There’s something different about you? What is it?’
I sigh. ‘There’s nothing.’
‘Your cheeks are flushed.’
‘What great powers of deduction you have, Poirot. It’s bloody freezing here. I’ve spent most of the day outside in the snow. Therefore my cheeks are flushed, the tip of my nose is an ice block and my socks are wet through. In fact, I’m desperate to jump in the shower and warm up. So… the news?’
‘No, it’s not just that. There’s a sparkle in your eyes. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but you’re different.’
‘Rox. What’s the news? You wave that carrot at me then go off on a tangent about the sparkle in my eyes, for crying out loud. It’s not like you to speak so whimsically.’
Behind her, Catty Roan is attempting to swipe a glass from the counter. You get the cat you deserve, and Roan is Rox in feline form. ‘I can spot it a mile away when you’re withholding the truth from me.’
‘You cannot.’ OK, she can, but I’m not going to admit that, am I? I should inform Rox that she’s about to have one almighty mess to clean up, but a smashed glass might get me out of this jam, so I stay silent about the hijinks happening behind her.
‘Ah!’ She clicks her fingers up at the screen, so I don’t miss her theatrics.
‘It’s that guy, isn’t it? Jasper. Did something happen?
Bring your face closer to the camera. I want to inspect it for clues, you and your lying eyes!
’ Rox’s voice rises in excitement, which catches Roan’s attention, and her little paw retreats, dammit.
‘I will do no such thing. A minute ago, I had a sparkle in my eyes – and now I have lying eyes? I’ve got whiplash from this chat, Rox. Can you tell me the news please so I can get in the shower, before the frostbite sets in?’
‘No, I cannot, not until you tell me what happened to you.’
She’s like a dog with a bone. I’ll never get the so-called news until I give her some meaty bits.
‘You are infuriating. If my toes die and fall off I’m never going to forgive you.’
‘That’s a risk I’m prepared to take.’
‘Why, because they’re not your toes?’
Rox drops her head, giving me a look that implies duh .
‘Stop stalling. Did you kiss? Or dare I hope for more? If you did, how does he rate? Top ten, top three? Dare I hope he’s taken up the number-one spot on the podium?
After some of the duds you’ve dated, it wouldn’t be hard for him to snag pole position, would it? ’
I roll my eyes. ‘I don’t score men like they’re Uber drivers, Rox, and it’s also not very politically correct these days either.’
Catty Roan has grown bored of our conversation (that makes two of us) and is back to tapping at the glass, which now sits perilously close to the edge of the bench. ‘Oh please, everyone does it.’
‘I don’t.’
‘Well, maybe that’s what’s wrong with your love life. Yeah, sure, you want to find a sweet caring man, but unless he’s dynamite in the sack, what’s the point?’ Rox’s only saying all these inflammatory things to get me to fess up.
‘Oh God, I’m not having this chat with you right now.’
‘It’s like talking to a bucket of rocks! Can I have some details or what?’
I make a show of huffing and puffing, mostly to keep her in suspense, the usual sibling microaggression.
‘Fine. There was a brief moment of madness at the market.’ A flush blooms, and my body warms at the memory.
‘I don’t even know what caused it. One minute we were sharing little gifts we’d got for one another, and the next minute there was this overwhelming sizzle of attraction, and we kissed under the mistletoe.
Just a peck really. Nothing earth-shattering.
’ It was a little earth-shattering in all honesty, but I play it down.
‘You kissed a guy! You kissed a guy without the requisite time of processing a break-up. And after being jilted! Well, I’d expected that processing time to last even longer.
Far out, this is real progress! You’d normally go into spinster mode, shut the blinds, sign up: closed for business for the foreseeable.
Padlock the chastity belt, throw away the key. ’
‘Wow, what a visual, thanks, Rox.’ I silently will Roan to use a bit more force.
The mischievous cat can usually swipe a glass, a mug, hell, even a full bottle of wine off the bench in a few swats.
‘You speak as if I’ve had lots of breakups when I’ve only had a few serious relationships, and yes, after those I might have put some boundaries in place, and made time to recalibrate and figure out what went wrong…
’ And then it dawns on me that she’s right.
I would never usually move so fast after.
‘Well, those breakups are memorable for how long you took yourself out of the dating pool, I guess. So, you had what sounds like a rather innocent peck under the mistletoe, then what happened?’
‘Nothing. Sabrina – who works on the train – came along and we all went to another section of the market.’
‘OK, this tracks. I suppose it would be too much to hope you dragged him back to your room and ripped all of his clothes off.’ Her voice is laced with disappointment.
‘You suppose right.’
‘And what will you do now? Maybe you can progress to handholding later this evening!’
I roll my eyes with dramatic flair. ‘Not funny.’
‘I mean it, are you going to pursue this… whatever it is? Festive fling? Holiday hook-up?’
I laugh and manage to choke on thin air.
‘No! The timing couldn’t be worse. I’m obviously not in the best frame of mind for this to go any further.
’ But she makes a good point. If we did hook up, it would likely go the way of most holiday romances – burn hot like fire then fizzle out, and who needs that?
‘But you kissed! Oh… was it bad?’
Lie or not, that is the question. With her bloodhound senses she’ll sniff out an untruth.
‘The kiss itself was glorious, as much as a peck can be glorious. I swear to God, the earth shook and that’s exactly why I’ll have to pretend it never happened.
Not until I have closure and I’ve processed the Miles debacle. Now, the news?’
‘Urgh! That’s some peck! Fine, this might help. The news is that the snivelling snake in the grass Miles has resurfaced, but only to pack more of his things and leave again like the massive baby he is.’
‘Leave to where?’ What is he playing at?
Rox shrugs. ‘Worst man Leo wouldn’t elaborate, despite my many threats of violence.
He’s either growing immune to my charms or he really doesn’t know; those two are as thick as thieves, so it’s probably the former.
Now he’s gone AWOL too, unless he’s just not answering the door.
According to my source, his curtain twitcher of a neighbour Sandy – who is delighting a little too much in her mission of spying for me – Miles packed two big suitcases as if he plans on being away for a while. ’
‘But where would he go? He works in the village.’ Miles is the sports teacher at the local high school. School is out for the Christmas break, but that’s only a couple of weeks in total.
‘Not sure, unless he’s planning to live elsewhere until this dies down and commuting when school goes back? I wouldn’t put it past him.’
‘Hmm. Did she say how he looked? Like, was there any sign that he’s suffered some sort of… medical problem?’
It’s not that I don’t get the most likely case is that Miles got cold feet and is now embarrassed, it’s that I want to be sure it’s not anything else seriously wrong that he’s too upset to share with me.
After everything, I’d still like to hear him out.
Both of us deserve that. Tie that box up with a nice little bow and put it at the back of the cupboard where I’ll never see it again.
Rox scoffs. ‘Sandy said he looked the same as usual, fit and healthy and even shared a laugh or two with Leo as he helped him load his stuff into the car.’
I suppose any crisis of the mind may not be physically obvious, but I don’t share that with Rox, because she’ll shut that line of enquiry down before I get a full sentence out.
‘Thanks for letting me know. I’ll try calling him again.’
‘Why bother?’ Rox screws up her face.
Isn’t it obvious? ‘I want to know why. It’s driving me mad wondering. You can’t just ghost a person when you were set to marry them. Surely there’s an unwritten rule about that, at the very least.’
‘Yeah.’ She lets out a long exhale. ‘You don’t see it, do you?’
‘See what?’
‘Miles realised he couldn’t control you, not the way he wants to.’
Was he controlling? I think back on our relationship. There were times when Miles put his foot down and I acquiesced. But wasn’t that just the give and take you’d expect from a couple, both willing to compromise every now and then, to be fair and keep the peace?
‘I’m not so sure?’ I’d been a little miffed when he didn’t want any part of the wedding planning, but then he’d stepped in last minute and wanted the venue changed and the guest list expanded.
Was that controlling, or just living out his idea of a dream wedding?
It felt strange at the time, changing from an intimate wedding to an extravaganza, but I’d been so happy he’d finally taken an interest that I agreed, even though I didn’t particularly want that.
Is Rox right that it was some kind of power play to see if I’d cave to his demands?
There are other instances I flip through, but I’m not sure I’d label them as controlling. Not moving in together struck me as odd, but he’d wanted to wait until after the wedding, and I stayed at his place most nights anyway, so it didn’t really matter.
It worried me a little that Miles acted more ambivalent, almost apathetic at the end – which I’d put down to wedding jitters, as I felt that nervousness too, especially once the guest list blew up.
And I admit, I tend to put my job first, because my work is all commission based, so if I don’t put in the hard slog, I don’t get paid.
I’m used to hustling for every penny and I get a real thrill from helping my clients plan the perfect holiday – I live those holidays vicariously through them and I go the extra mile to make sure they have an unforgettable experience.
I work in busy bursts, because I often take a month here and there for my own personal travel experiences.
‘A few weeks before the wedding day, Miles asked me to pare back my work once we were married.’ Why didn’t that ring alarm bells?
Rox gasps. ‘What did you say to that?’
‘I said no, and that my schedule was unpredictable and that wouldn’t change. It’s the nature of the beast.’
Rox’s eyes narrow in anger. ‘And he was fine with that?’
I think back to the conversation. I’d only been half-listening as I was in the middle of an urgent quote for a regular client and told Miles that we’d chat properly once it was done, but he still stood there and said his piece.
‘He suggested that I should find a job with regular work hours and a stable income at some point.’ How did I not take offence to that?
I’d been so focused on getting the quote right that I hadn’t paid attention to what he said and had put it out of my mind until now.
‘Red flags, red flags everywhere.’
‘Maybe.’ I’m a firm believer in learning a lesson when life gives you lemons, so what is the lesson here?
Pay closer attention? Stop and listen to your partner, even if they’re disturbing your workday?
Don’t let apathy become the norm for either of you?
While I could easily lay the blame all at Miles’s feet, that’s not fair.
Something between us clearly broke – but what? What was my part in it?
‘Do you think Miles would have gradually pressured you to find a steadier job?’
I consider the question. ‘There’s absolutely zero chance I’d have caved in to a demand such as that.
’ Or would he have worn me down in the end?
My job is what brings me joy and allows me the freedom to travel, so I don’t see that ever changing…
although I did agree to live in the village for a while.
Would that have led to the next thing, and the next, until I become a Stepford Wives’ version of myself?
‘Honestly, Miles is just not good enough for you. He never was and he never will be. You’re a free spirit, a wanderer, and he wanted to clip your wings. Thankfully, he realised that you can’t – won’t – be contained. Butterflies can’t be caged.’
‘Wow, Rox.’
‘Yeah, I’ve got a soft side, don’t you dare tell anyone or I’ll rip those wings off myself.’
‘And she’s back.’ Roan decides at that moment to take one last swipe at the glass. It careens to the floor with one almighty smash. Thank you, Catty Roan!
‘Roan!’
After we say our goodbyes, I call Miles. The phone rings out. So it’s at least switched on now and he’s just choosing to ignore me. My chest tightens. Seriously! I’m done with him. Whatever we had is over.
I type a rage text, then delete and try again:
It would be nice if you had the courtesy to call me. I deserve that much at least.
I freshen up and go to meet the members of the Unlucky in Love Travel Club in the library for another night of shenanigans.