Chapter 19
After a quick wardrobe change, I head back to meet the group, feeling all sorts of stupid wearing my Jingle Ladies t-shirt with wildly inappropriate tassels over the nip area which jiggle and jangle as I walk, drawing the eye of everyone I pass.
I bet a man designed this.
I find my friends in the lounge carriage. An area has been cordoned off for the ‘stage’.
Princess is like a child on Christmas morning, jumping up and down. ‘Look at the dance battle arena! Isn’t it spectacular?’
‘As much as a patch of train carriage carpet can be, yes.’
She groans. ‘Ooh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Aubrey! Your tassels really are in a tangle.’
I bite down on a laugh. Her enthusiasm is a little cute.
I’m not sure I really want to be front and centre, and no doubt every man and their dog will be recording the performances for posterity, so there’s also that to worry about.
Not to mention the rather sexy moves Princess insists we do. Twerking? Kill me.
Jasper makes his way down the carriage towards us.
With his tassels swishing about, somehow he makes the godawful t-shirt look good.
Probably the way his muscles fill out the thin fabric; in fact, said muscles are bulging out all over the place, capturing the attention of many of the so-called loved-up passengers.
Should they be overtly staring at him with such hunger, like he’s a tasty morsel?
I would say not. Cravat man gives his wife a sullen glare and she promptly turns her gaze away from Jasper.
Good, she’s already spoken for and Jasper is off limits.
Well, I mean, he’s a free man, with free will and with no ties, but they’re meant to be in committed relationships and thus their eyeballs should be firmly directed at their significant others.
‘Who are you talking to?’ CJ frowns.
Dammit, that weird under-my-breath life commentary I do strikes again. Makes me look crazed. ‘Just giving myself a pep talk. I’m not one for the limelight.’ Bullet successfully dodged.
‘But you said Jasper was off limits. Were you insinuating that I had my eye on Jasper? Because I want to assure you I do not. He hasn’t even listened to any K-Pop, like, ever.’ CJ wrinkles her nose as if Jasper has really let her down.
‘Why is Jasper off limits?’ Karen pipes up. ‘Ooh… are you two a thing?’
‘What’s going on?’ Princess pushes in between us. Jasper is two steps away from hearing this whole disaster of a chat.
‘Nothing! Nothing is going on!’
‘But you said?—’
‘I was talking to my dead husband, Miles. Even though he’s gone to the great Ctrl + Alt + Delete in the sky, I still talk to him.’ I want to slap my own head, but it does the trick and their suspicious expressions turn soft. I shouldn’t use the (faux) grieving widow guilt trip but here we are.
Desperate times call for dead husbands.
Princess rubs my arm. ‘Miles will help us win this thing. With him up in heaven and God on our side, anything is possible!’
I can only commit to a tight smile.
‘What’s up?’ Jasper says, dropping his eyes to my… ahem… tassels.
‘My eyes are up here, Jasper.’ I make finger forks and point. He goes from romantic to ogling my chest, just like that?!
His eyes crinkle at the corners.
‘Well?’ I demand, expecting a full apology.
‘It’s just that your tassels have tangled. And I was about to point that out when you accused me of… sneaking a peek.’
‘What?’ I drop my gaze to the t-shirt. Sure enough, somehow the stupid things have tangled together. ‘Oh.’
Princess raises her eyebrows. ‘I did tell you that not a moment ago! And besides, Jasper would never objectify women. I’m sure he’s a feminist, aren’t you, Jasper?’
Here we go. Princess is firmly on the Jasper bandwagon again.
‘Are you?’ I ask, crossing my arms over my wardrobe malfunction.
He gives a loose shrug. ‘All decent men are feminists, aren’t they? So yes, I’d consider myself a feminist and believe in equal rights.’ Damn it, he appears genuine.
‘And he loves his mum. That’s how you can always tell the makings of a good man.’ Karen speaks as if she has direct proof of this.
I’m not sure why I bristle. It’s probably because Jasper has the same effect on me as much as he does on every damn fool who looks his way.
We all instantly like the guy because of his mad charisma, and his physical attributes don’t hurt either, and is that fair?
He’s just been hit with the lucky stick of beauty, brains, brawn, and we all fall at his feet in supplication.
‘Jasper is one of the good guys,’ Karen says. ‘It’s obvious from the way he comports himself.’
‘I didn’t know you were a psychologist,’ I say stiffly to Karen.
‘I – oh.’ Her lips twist into a grin as if she knows something I don’t.
‘I’m clearly not the authority on love, but I do have a rather long list of red flags to look out for.
And OK, maybe that list is a little too detailed, considering no man makes it past the first date.
But if we don’t set standards for ourselves, who will? ’
Damn, she’s got me there. I admire that in her.
‘And Jasper doesn’t seem to check any alarm bell box. Wouldn’t you agree?’
‘I’m right here, guys.’ Jasper frowns. ‘Why are we even discussing this?’
CJ points to me. ‘Ask Aubrey.’
‘Jeez, thanks.’ Talk about throw me under the bus. ‘I’m just as confused as you are, Jasper. Now, are we doing this performance or what?’
‘We’re just waiting on Barry,’ Princess says, craning her neck past gathered groups of passengers to search for the missing Australian. ‘Ah, here he comes. Oh, I think his t-shirt might be a little snug. I can see most of his belly. Isn’t it cute!’
Barry apologises politely as he pushes through clusters of people and joins us. ‘Well jingle bells!’ he declares. ‘I’m not sure they make these in my size, but heck, it’s all part of the performance, so I figured who cares if I flash a little skin, it’s only natural, right?’
We all agree that he’s rocking the look, even if he’s being strangled by the fabric.
It’s all in good fun and he doesn’t seem to mind the fact the t-shirt only comes up to his midriff.
It actually suits the silliness of the challenge.
The look is completed by a fabric headband he wears around his forehead like he’s about to get physical, like Olivia Newton-John did back in the eighties.
I love the way he commits to having fun – Princess is similar and up for anything.
‘Should our group dance first?’ I ask. ‘Get it over and done with?’
Jasper nods. ‘Yes please. Do you want… a hand untangling your tassels?’
‘Leave it with me.’ Princess darts away to ask the entertainment coordinator if we can start the dance battle.
‘Thanks.’
Jasper steps forward and I make the mistake of looking up into his eyes.
Our gazes lock while he holds my tangled tassels, and it all feels too intimate somehow.
I gulp. He gulps. Time stops as I wrangle with desire that floods through my turncoat body.
Didn’t I just despise him a moment ago for being hit with the lucky stick? And now I want to launch myself at him?
‘Actually’ – I swallow hard – ‘I like my tassels tangled. Kind of a metaphor for my life.’
He drops the coloured ribbons. ‘Sure, sure.’
Princess returns, thank God, and claps for our attention. ‘Right, team! Everyone know their choreography? We’re up first!’
‘No!’ Why did I agree to this?
Jasper swings a supportive arm over my shoulders. ‘If all else fails, just look at me, not them.’
Doesn’t he know that will make it a hundred times worse?
But he’s doing his best to put me at ease.
I really don’t like being the centre of attention but I remind myself, Jasper’s one sharp dance move away from his muscles splitting out of the fabric of the thin shirt, so I’m sure all eyes will be trained that way.
All I have to focus on is not falling over.
Karen and CJ grin. ‘This is so fun!’
Igor approaches me. ‘Do you want to give me your phone?’
‘I want no such thing.’
He frowns. ‘To film your performance.’
‘That won’t be necessary.’ Nerves roil as we make our way to the battle arena. We face off against a group of much younger lovebirds.
‘Great,’ I hiss. ‘They probably know all the moves from TikTok or something.’
‘No way,’ Barry says with a confident gleam in his eye. ‘These young ’uns wouldn’t have the first clue about booty poppin’.’
My eyes go wide and I grab Barry’s arm. ‘I don’t have the first clue about booty poppin’!’ Why are my team so calm? This is going to be next-level embarrassing. Why couldn’t we have a singalong to ‘All I Want for Christmas’?
Barry’s forehead furrows. ‘Shoot. What about the Billy Bounce? You must know that one.’
What is going on! ‘What! No, are you making that up?’
He ignores me and gathers the group into a huddle. ‘Guys, we have a situation. Aubrey doesn’t know how to booty pop and hasn’t heard of the Billy Bounce.’
There are audible gasps from the Unlucky in Love Travel Club, and for a second I wonder if this is some elaborate prank, because what else could it be?
Princess covers her face, while Jasper comforts her.
CJ takes charge. ‘Aubrey, have you lived in a bubble? OK, no time for recriminations, what’s done is done.
This is a booty pop.’ She demonstrates a move that might look simple but clearly isn’t, a sort of wide leg lowered stance where she pops her butt forward.
‘And the Billy Bounce.’ Again, she demonstrates some ridiculous tiptoed bounce move, flapping her legs from side to side.
‘Or when it’s your turn, just freestyle. ’
‘What do you mean, when it’s my turn?’
She grimaces. ‘It’s a dance battle, Aubrey. That means we all take the lead at some point and dance on our own.’
‘ON OUR OWN! I’m going to kill every last one of you.’
‘That’s the spirit!’ Princess says. ‘Edgy, gritty. Use it for inspiration!’
The music starts and I’m barrelled into line next to Jasper.
I’m green around the gills, I didn’t know that you could actually feel green, but I can now confirm it’s possible.
I steal a quick glance at my club mates, wearing rapt expressions like this is the most fun they’ve had in ages.
I pull my shoulders back and lift my chin.
I do happen to know a couple of dance moves that might just blow their socks off.
And even if internally I feel like curling up and dying from embarrassment, outwardly I don’t have to show that.
A member of the other group goes first, pulling out moves I’ve never seen before but which are announced by the entertainment director as ‘the Floss’ and ‘Orange Justice’.
Whatever it is, it looks pretty tame to me.
When it’s our turn, Jasper goes first and does some rather risqué Magic Mike moves.
He throws himself on the floor and does the… Oh. My. God.
His hips don’t lie.
I freeze. And I bet every warm-blooded person in the vicinity does the same. I pull out my collar. Why is it so hot in here? Jasper is doing some sort of caterpillar move but SEXY, like he’s an exotic dancer and…
When my soul returns to my body, the noise level hits me. Everyone is screaming, whooping and pointing to the man mountain. I half expect him to rip his shirt open and am relieved when he doesn’t. I’m having trouble standing. Must be the adrenaline. The abject fear.
The other team have their turn but the crowd is calling for more from our team. Makes sense, I guess. Maybe it’s because we’re trying harder? The song nears the end and just as I think I might get away with not having to take the lead, I’m thrust forward.
I make the mistake of looking at the crowd and let out a little mewl.
‘You can do it!’ Jasper encourages me. I remind myself I’m a fun-loving person with zero baggage and that I also never have to see these people again once the trip is over.
I break out my dance moves. First up, the robot. When that doesn’t get the requisite cheers it deserves, I go for the sprinkler. Tough crowd. There are even a few boos. What the hell? These are classic dance techniques that never go out of fashion!
‘Bring back the hot guy!’
Jeez, no guesses who they’re referring to.
Jasper sidles up close and starts Magic Mike-ing all over me. In the interest of winning the dance battle, I of course allow these provocative, sexy moves to be performed. His body thrusts against mine, and… and my heart is RACING. Probably from the exertion. The heat.
When the music comes to an end, there are thunderous roars, but they all fade away as Jasper leans close, cupping my face.
He’s a breath away and in the interest of a good show, I pull him in for a long kiss.
Fireworks go off inside my brain as the kiss deepens.
I’m bereft when it ends and Jasper steps away, confusion in his eyes.
‘Sorry,’ I say quietly. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’
‘Yes, it’s too soon. I get it.’
‘Far too soon. I got caught up in the dance.’
‘Same. It was performative more than anything.’
‘Yes! Have to win that coveted prize of bragging rights.’
‘Yes. Or else Princess will be disappointed.’
At that, Princess perks up. ‘Maybe we should ask for do-over? I’d personally like to see that again.’
I let out a laugh that sounds like I’ve been run over by a cement truck. A gurgling, gasping grunt. ‘I don’t think so. My legs aren’t working.’ I stagger to my chair and scull a full glass of wine, grimacing when I taste it’s a mix of red and white again.
‘What the hell was that?’ Sabrina appears, like my fairy godmother, full bottle of champagne in her hand. She pops the cork and liquid ejects itself all over me. It all feels rather explicit somehow.
‘I need champagne,’ I say with a shaky laugh. ‘I’m still processing.’
‘You’ll need more than this to cool that blood of yours. Wow, that man can move. You better act fast, because he’s going to have a line of women after him, married or not.’
‘How does he know how to move his body like that?’ My mind goes to exotic dancing, strip clubs. To bad places!
‘Instinctually, I bet. That or a lot of practice in the bedroom.’ She waggles her eyebrows suggestively.
Later my team accept the win in the arena. CJ calls for me to join them, but there’s no way my poor body can move without tumbling over. No, it’s best if I stay well away. Just me and a bottle of bubbles is the much safer option.