Chapter 28
I return to the Unlucky in Love Travel Club.
They need a truthful explanation too. My mind is firmly on Jasper and what he’s going to make of what I have to say.
Back in the bar carriage they’re still sitting in the booth, eyes bright as if the speculation has run wild.
I don’t blame them. A man has come back from the dead; it must be a shock.
‘Can I have a word, Jasper?’ His mouth is a tight line but he nods. We go to the relative quiet of the library carriage.
‘I’m sorry I lied,’ I say bluntly.
His eyes are ablaze. ‘I might have downplayed how I felt about the end of my marriage, Aubrey, but I don’t like being lied to. Maybe I should have been more honest about that. Trust is a really big deal to me.’
I take his hand and lead him to a sofa. He quickly unlatches his palm from mine.
‘I know you downplayed it; I could still see the hurt in your eyes. But you see, I sort of did the same thing. I didn’t want to be known as the jilted bride and I made up a story to save face and, well, it snowballed.
Dramatically. And for that, I am truly apologetic. ’
‘I’m hurt you kept it from me. It’s such a big thing to keep hidden.’
‘Well, at first, you were just another passenger, Jasper. I didn’t know things were going to evolve the way they have.
Miles made the choice on the wedding day to leave – and I know now that it was the right choice.
Whatever you decide, you have to know I can’t go back to him, and not because Miles made the choice to leave the church, or because he and I fundamentally want different things, but also because now…
well, I’ve met you. And how can I be with him when you exist in this world?
Even if you don’t want to be with me… I can’t be with anyone else.
I’ve never felt this way before. Whatever this is, I want to give myself up to it, explore what might be, which might sound mad after a handful of days – but a day on the Winter Wonderland Express feels like a week – and that’s what’s in my heart.
Our paths crossed for a reason, Jasper, so I’ll leave it up to you.
’ My heart bongoes hard against my ribs but I’m glad I said my piece, said my truth.
It’s not like me to be so open with my feelings this early on, but if I don’t speak up, I will lose Jasper. I might lose him anyway.
I wait for him to tell me no. That I’m rushing things. That I’m imagining this mad off-the-chain chemistry between us. And he doesn’t say a word. Instead, he gently cups my face and kisses me. The kind of kiss that lights up my heart and makes me long for more.
‘I’ve never felt like this before either. I swear my heart broke when I heard you utter his name – I had that overwhelming feeling that I’d lost you before we’d even begun. And all I know is, this… relationship might be in its infancy, but I already know I don’t want to let you go, Aubrey.’
* * *
When we return to the bar, I’m surprised to find Miles is relaxing among the Unlucky in Love Travel Club after he’d asked me to give him some time alone in the cabin when I told him it was over between us.
He’s usually so standoffish around people he doesn’t know. Maybe that’s a testament to the group and how friendly they are, or in Princess’s case, downright nosy. ‘And then what happened?’
‘Then I’m sure her sister, Rox, tried to poison me!’
Big yikes.
‘Wait, it was her sister who laced your meal with death cap mushrooms?’ Princess looks to me for confirmation. I quickly shake my head.
Miles frowns. ‘Mushrooms?’
‘There was no sinkhole?’ CJ asks.
‘He didn’t plummet to his death down the gap?’ pipes up Sabrina, who is pretending to work behind the bar while listening in.
Igor, who sits at the booth behind, turns around and says, ‘You weren’t struck by lightning. Twice?’
‘What?’ Miles asks, face flushed.
I manage to stem giggles, but I have some explaining to do.
‘No, Miles didn’t fall down the gap like I told you, Sabrina.
I’m sorry I lied. I just… felt put on the spot.
I blurted that and then his fictional death took on a life of its own.
I did try and tell you all he wasn’t really dead but that backfired too. ’
‘She did. Many times,’ Karen says, giving me a supportive smile.
‘So why lie?’ CJ asks.
‘The truth is…’ I go on to explain what happened, and Miles jumps in and shares his side of things, opening up about how his panic attacks have hampered him and that he then escaped and hoped it would all go away if he hid out long enough.
Miles averts his gaze. ‘I… I was an idiot. But like Aubrey has reminded me, I’m a homebody and she is not.
Aubrey’s the sort of person who’s happiest when she’s learning a few words in another language, and I break out in a cold sweat even holding my passport.
’ He’s handling the official break-up rather well, which only convinces me that we weren’t right for each other except as friends.
Sometimes the old high-school crush should remain just that – a crush.
Jasper steps forward, eye to eye with Miles. ‘I can’t believe you left her there.’ There’s a fragility to Jasper’s voice that breaks my heart. As if he’s able to put himself in my shoes that terrible day and understand how truly awful it felt. How humiliating. ‘And then you cut contact.’
Miles blushes. ‘I’ll regret my actions that day for the rest of my life, probably. I didn’t handle it well – and Aubrey suffered for it. I truly am sorry.’
‘I’m sorry too.’ I give him a half smile. There’s no question I feel lighter, as if I’ve made the right choice – now, at any rate. And if not for Miles having panicked and run, I’d have gone through with the wedding when deep down I knew it wasn’t right.
It’s sweet to see Jasper’s protective instinct is alive and well.
The man has a deep well of empathy that feels so very special.
Even as he gives Miles a bit of a telling off for ghosting me, it’s done in a non-threatening way, that even my former flame admits he was in the wrong.
But honestly, it was both of us feeling unsure but not wanting to hurt the other.
Miles clears his throat. ‘Well, I might be unlucky in love, but staying on board will be far too awkward. I should be able to get a last-minute flight home and spend Christmas with Leo, who is a bit over me at the moment too.’
‘I’m sure he’ll be happy to have you back.’ The bachelor pad will stay just that, and it’s probably what was meant to happen all along. ‘I appreciate you coming all this way to have the chat face to face.’
Miles says his goodbyes to the group, and I walk with him out to the platform, appreciating his efforts in flying to Stockholm now that he’s admitted he despises travelling.
‘Miles, I want to thank you for having the courage to leave that day. Having had this space, this distance, our differences are glaringly obvious, and they’re not the kind of differences that we can compromise on.’
Miles swallows hard, like he’s struggling to control his emotions. ‘Yeah, part of me always hoped you’d change, be the way I wanted you to be,’ he eventually says, his voice low, inflected with sadness. ‘Which is unfair.’
‘Yeah.’ I give his hand a squeeze. ‘You knew it wasn’t right, or you’d have stayed at the church.’
Miles gives me a sad smile, like he agrees. ‘And that guy?’ He jerks a thumb in Jasper’s direction.
‘We met on board. But Miles, when I first saw Jasper, I felt a spark. Like, a literal spark, as if he’d shocked me back to life.
How can you feel that way about someone else unless it’s real?
It emphasised to me that you and I were playacting at being soulmates.
And I’m not saying that to hurt you. I’m saying it so you can be free too. ’
Miles gives a slow nod of his head, as if in confirmation.
‘Yeah, I think that maybe – maybe you’re right?
How did we not see it sooner?’ An awkward laugh escapes him.
‘I’d been so conflicted, because I didn’t want to hurt you.
I couldn’t make sense of the confusion. The pressure was unreal.
I tried to push myself into it, insisting on making the guest list bigger and all the plans grander.
Like that would make it more valid. Prove to the world that what we had was real.
But when I got to the church, I just knew I couldn’t go through with it.
Do you feel me?’ His favourite catch phrase is lobbed into conversation once more.
It’s a relief, a weight off my mind that Miles has come to the same conclusion. ‘I’m glad you acted on that impulse, I really am. And what jilted bride can honestly say that?’ I let out a volley of laughter. Miles isn’t a bad guy, and I’m thankful now that it’s all ended this way.
‘Safe travels, Aubrey.’
I give Miles a goodbye hug and wish him all the best for the future. There’s a sparkle in his eyes, as if he too knows this is for the best.
Back inside, I rejoin my friends, feeling at once happy and a little sad. It’s bittersweet, the ending of things, but there’s no question I made the right choice. Jasper sends me a sultry smile and I just about melt onto the carpet.
‘I don’t suppose he likes K-Pop?’ Karen asks, watching Miles make his way slowly down the platform outside. CJ gasps, giving her friend a good-natured shove.
‘Umm – Karen, that goes against girl code.’ CJ shoves her back.
‘Sorry, I figured why not ask the question when love is blooming on this train and there’s still time to pull him back from the platform.’
‘No, thanks.’ CJ shakes her head, smiling. ‘Looks like it’s just us two singletons now, Karen. We’ve lost these two to Cupid’s arrow.’ She motions to Jasper and me sitting side by side, holding hands.
The apples of Karen’s cheeks pinken.
‘What’s that blush about?’ CJ twirls a finger at Karen’s complexion before inhaling sharply. ‘The no-spicy-food guy texted back, didn’t he?’
Karen bites down on her lip and averts her gaze. ‘Uh – yeah, he did. We’ve been messaging like a lot. We’re going to meet up for dinner in the new year. I told him that I catastrophised about never being able to eat spicy food for the rest of my natural born life, and he got a kick out of that.’
‘What do you mean?’ I ask.
‘On our first date, I told him I find sushi appalling, which is his favourite food, and he said that was almost a deal breaker for him too, so we got to talking about silly ick lists and how easy it is to discard a first date in these modern times when the next person is only a right swipe away and so maybe we need to be more open minded. Sushi isn’t that bad, as long as I don’t have to eat it. ’
‘Ah. I love that. It’s so true. We’re so quick to dismiss people.’
‘And for me and him, well…’ Karen muses. ‘It’s such a basic fix. We both realised that perhaps our ick list isn’t really an ick list, more of a protective barrier. The Unlucky in Love Travel Club helped me see that.’
‘So I really am the only singleton left in the Unlucky in Love Travel Club?’ CJ makes a show of pouting.
‘Ah, but the holiday isn’t over yet,’ Princess says, lifting her brow. ‘Even if I have to send for a K-Pop fan, then send I will.’
We fall into easy laughter at Princess’s efforts to always find a solution, even if that means paying for it.
Sabrina wanders over. ‘Miles, eh? What a plot twist! The gap didn’t claim him after all. I’m glad, in a way. I’ve been very careful walking on and off the train ever since then, let me tell you.’
‘Me too!’ Jasper laughs. ‘I had my suspicions about your story, the way you told it so matter of fact, but your tears the day Igor proposed made me believe that you were grieving, and now I see you were grieving in a way – the loss of that day, what you thought your future should be if only you’d settle. ’
‘And that’s the thing, settling isn’t for me.’
‘Thank God. So is the grieving period officially over?’
I laugh and pull him closer to me. ‘It is.’
‘And we’re doing the Camino in March.’
‘We are.’ But where do we go from here?
* * *
Later that evening I fall into bed, mind spinning at the way everything has unfolded. Just as I’m about to switch my bedside light off, my phone rings. It can only be one person calling this late.
‘Rox, it’s late, even for you.’
Her pinched face appears on screen. ‘Word is, Miles is on his way to you! You’re not going to be taken in by whatever excuses he makes, are you?’
‘Too late. He’s already been here.’
‘Already?’
‘Yeah, been and gone.’
‘Just like that? You didn’t take him back?’
I give her a wide smile and explain how it all went down.
‘Wow, Aubrey, and so you and Jasper are a thing now? It’s not like you.’
My eyebrows shoot up. ‘One minute you’re telling me to fall into bed with him, the next you’re questioning my feelings for the guy?’
‘Well, I mean, I hardly know him. You didn’t send me his details for the deep dive. What if he’s as bad as Miles? What if he’s a serial killer? How well do we know him, really?’
‘It’s early days, Rox. We’ve stolen a few kisses and we’ll see what happens.’
‘This is all so fast.’
‘You are up and down like a yo-yo!’
She laughs. ‘I only want the best for you, but I’d feel better if I saw this man in the flesh, you know?’
‘And let you scare him off? No thanks.’
‘So, are you coming home after the trip?’
I consider it. ‘Maybe for a bit. I’ll pack up my room, snuggle Freya’s baby when he makes an appearance, and then head off again. I want to explore France.’
‘You don’t need to pack up your room here.’
‘Thanks, Rox. When you’re not committing crimes, you’re not a half bad person.’
‘Well, Roan ruined most of your clothes, but that’s not on me, that’s on her.’
I roll my eyes. ‘How does a cat manage that?’
‘Mostly with her claws. Between us, sometimes she scares me. She gives me this look, like she’s plotting my downfall.’
‘You get the cat you deserve, Rox!’
‘Not that again!’