Chapter 23 #2
Upstairs, I wake Aura from her nap. My heart melts when she opens her eyes and greets me with the brightest smile. She’s almost eight months old now, and it’s hard to believe how quickly she’s grown. I remember holding her as a tiny baby, and now she’s forming her own personality.
As I change her, she babbles in her baby language, cooing happily. Then, clear as day, I hear the word “Mama.”
I freeze, my breath catching in my throat. It’s such a small word, but it carries so much weight. My eyes well up with tears as I finish getting her dressed. That she might see me as a maternal figure fills me up with so much love—and so much uncertainty.
“I know, sweets. I love you so much. Never ever forget that.”
I finish getting Aura ready and carry her downstairs, grabbing a few extra diapers for her diaper bag.
I hold her close as I carry her downstairs, my heart heavy knowing that while she’s not technically mine, I want to be that for her. I want to be the one she runs to when she needs comfort, the one who’s there for all her milestones.
When I enter the kitchen, Gabriel’s smile fades when he sees the tear streaks on my face.
“Bumper, what’s wrong?” he asks, concern lacing his voice.
“It’s nothing, Gab,” I say, my voice cracking despite my best effort.
“Baby, please tell me what’s bothering you,” he says, pulling me into his arms.
I shake my head, not wanting to tell him. I feel silly, upset over a simple word, but it’s so much than that. I look at Aura, who is happily playing in her walker, oblivious to the storm brewing inside me.
Gabriel lifts my chin gently, his voice soft. “Please. Even if you think it’s silly, tell me. It’s clearly upsetting you, and I want to help you in any way I can.”
I take a deep breath, wiping away a single tear.
“When I was upstairs getting Sweets dressed, she called me mama. I believe she cared, but she’s not mine.
I love her deeply and want to be a constant presence in her life.
Still, I can’t shake the uncertainty of not knowing whether Haley will ever choose to step up someday. Where does that leave me?”
His expression softens as he listens, and for a moment, he doesn’t speak. Then, slowly, he says, “Bumper, first, let me make one thing clear to you. You are more of a mother to my daughter than her own flesh and blood was, even while she was pregnant with her and after she was born.”
I open my mouth to interrupt, but Gabriel raises a hand, signaling for me to hear him out.
“If Aura recognizes you are her mama, I am damn proud of my baby girl’s intelligence,” he says.
“I’ve never mentioned this before, but Haley has reached out a few times, wanting to see Aura.
I won’t allow it. I know Haley—she won’t stick around.
I’m not willing to put Aura through that kind of heartbreak. ”
The weight of his words hits me. I didn’t know Haley had reached out. My fear was that she would show up one day and want to take Aura. The thought of sharing her, of handing her over, breaks my heart.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying, Gabriel,” I whisper, a sob threatening to break free. “I can’t bear the thought of sharing her with someone who abandoned her.”
He turns away from me, rubbing his hands down his face. “Baby, please let me finish,” he begs.
I nod, looking at Aura as she plays with the attachments on the walker.
Gabriel takes a deep breath, pacing for a moment before turning back to face me. “Bumper, I’m filing for sole custody. My lawyer has a damn good feeling that I am going to be granted sole custody….”
I feel my heart stop in my chest. “But?”
Gabriel exhales sharply. “Well, he knows about our relationship. I had to tell him because I was showing up to appointments without Aura. I told him she was with my girlfriend. He supports us. In fact, he suggested we get married to solidify my case.”
I freeze, my hand clutching my chest as the words crash into me. Did he just—?
Before I can process what’s happening, I turn, grab my keys from the counter, and head straight for the door.
“Millie! Wait,” Gabriel calls out to me, but I don’t stop.
Did I just get proposed to?
I push the door open, the cool night air rushing past me, but it feels nothing compared to the rush of emotions swirling inside me. My heart races as I step outside, my thoughts scrambling. I didn’t even give him a chance to explain further. I just…reacted. I just left.
I move swiftly to my car. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it sure wasn’t that.
A proposal? Was I ready for that? Was I even ready for this relationship?
This family? I want to be with him. I do.
I love Aura with everything I have, but…
marriage? The weight of the idea presses down on me.
I’ve never been someone who rushed into things.
And now, after everything, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m still trying to figure out who I am in all of this.
The nanny or the girlfriend.
I slide into the driver’s seat, gripping the steering wheel, taking a deep breath. The car hums to life, but I don’t move. I stare out the windshield, fighting the wave of emotions threatening to consume me.
I glance down at my phone, half-expecting a text from Gabriel. Nothing.
Should I have stayed? Should I have let him explain? I can still hear his voice in my head, his words echoing in the silence: “We should get married to solidify my case.”
Marriage. Solidifying things. That doesn’t sound like what I thought I wanted. But what if it’s what he needs? What if it’s what we need to make this real, to make sure Aura is ours? I’ve already committed so much of myself to her, to him. But am I ready for the permanence of marriage?
I think of Aura, her little face lighting up whenever I walk into the room, calling me “mama.” It’s all too real, too raw.
My chest tightens. I can’t lose her. I can’t lose them.
The fear creeps in, thick and suffocating.
I was terrified before, but now… now everything feels like it’s moving faster than I can handle. Like I’m losing control.
I press the heel of my palm against my forehead, trying to push the confusion out. But it won’t go. The tears build again, and I let them fall, letting the salty sting mix with the cold air in my car. I don’t know what to do with all this—this love, this fear, this sudden push to make it all real.
I start the car, pulling away from the driveway.
The road ahead is dark, but I don’t care.
The sound of tires on asphalt is the only thing steady enough to fill the silence inside me.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I need to drive.
I need to think. Or maybe just escape, even if for a little while.
I pass streetlights, the glow casting fleeting shadows over my face. My mind keeps replaying that moment with Gabriel. The proposal. The love. The uncertainty.
Could I marry him? Could I be the mother Aura needs, the partner Gabriel wants, all while still finding myself? Or would I lose myself in this whirlwind of new identities and responsibilities?
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, not caring that the tears smear my mascara into dark streaks.
I’m lost in thought, drifting down streets with no destination, waiting for a sign—any sign—to appear out of nowhere, to guide me through this storm.
But none comes. The pressure only grows heavier, crushing me slowly from the inside.
The only answer my heart seems to whisper is to slow down. To breathe. To pause.
Hours slip by, or maybe minutes—I don’t know.
Time loses meaning as I drive until I finally pull off into a quiet, empty park.
The car comes to a soft stop, and I sit there, staring out at the empty swing set silhouetted against the night sky.
The silence presses in, and my chest tightens again under the weight of everything I’m feeling.
I close my eyes and exhale deeply, hoping to find some clarity within the chaos.
But I can’t make sense of it all. Not yet. All I know for certain is that I love them—more than I ever thought possible. I love Gabriel, with his gentle strength and quiet devotion. I love Aura, with her bright eyes and endless curiosity. But I also love myself. And I don’t want to lose who I am.
Maybe I need to step back. Maybe I need time.
Time to figure out how to hold all of this—love, fear, hope—without losing myself.
I can’t keep running from my feelings, from the hard questions that cling to my heart.
I owe it to myself—and to them—to face everything with clear eyes and an open heart.
But right now? Right now, all I want is to breathe. To sit here in the quiet, under the endless sky, and just be. Because maybe in this stillness I’ll find the strength to face what comes next.