22. Baron #2
The word should have felt satisfying, coming from someone else. It should have proved that I had been right. Instead, it only made the hurt deepen. I stared down at my hands and remembered the way Laurel’s face had changed when I said it. Still, it was good to know I wasn’t the only one who saw it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” James asked.
I shrugged. It was so dark I doubted he could see the motion. “I don’t know.”
“What if I tell you what I think,” James suggested, “and you can take it as my opinion and ignore it if you want to?”
“Okay.”
James rested his forearms on his knees and looked out into the trees.
“Laurel needs you more than she realizes, and far more than she would ever admit. She feels like she has something to prove, and I’m sure you can understand that.
She’s Robin Hood’s daughter, so she believes she has to live up to his name.
She’s also the first woman in the Merry Men, which means she feels like every mistake she makes will be used as proof that she doesn’t belong. ”
I looked at him.
He went on, his voice steady and thoughtful.
“Those are big shoes to fill. Because of that, she thinks she has to be tougher than anyone else. She thinks she has to show the world that she doesn’t need anyone’s help, so she does everything in her power to avoid appearing weak or dependent on anyone else.
It can be a strength at times, but it’s also a weakness. ”
I listened. I’d never thought of it quite like that, but as soon as James said it, I could see it.
“When we first saw her with you,” James continued, “everyone was a bit shocked. Honestly, most of us thought she was stringing you along so you would help her escape and break us out of prison.”
I gave a humorless laugh. “How comforting.”
“But then I realized how different she is when you’re around,” James said. “She doesn’t have to be strong all the time with you. She can relax. She can lean on someone when she needs it, even if she pretends she isn’t leaning. She really loves you, you know.”
“Not anymore,” I said.
“Why do you think that?”
“I said things today.” My throat tightened, and I looked away. “She got really angry.”
“She’ll get over it. Give her time.”
“I don’t know.”
“What did you say to her?”
I hesitated. I didn’t want to repeat the shameful words we’d spat at each other. They felt ugly now, stripped of the anger that had made them feel so powerful at the time. But James seemed genuinely concerned, and he understood Laurel better than I did.
“I said she doesn’t think ahead,” I said. “And that she’s impulsive.”
James laughed.
“It’s not funny,” I snapped.
He stopped at once, though I could still hear the remnants of laughter in his breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s not funny to you.”
“But it is to you?”
“A little,” James admitted. “Only because I think every one of the Merry Men has told Laurel she is impulsive and arrogant at least twice. Her father used to tell her daily.”
I blinked.
“She always reacted the same,” James continued. “Once, she threw soup all over Little John. Dumped it right over his head.”
“She threw water on me today.”
James laughed again, though quietly this time. “At least it wasn’t hot pea soup.”
I could just imagine a younger Laurel, furious that someone had suggested she had any sort of flaw, reaching for the nearest available weapon, which apparently had been soup.
I smiled faintly, but it faded quickly. She was so dramatic sometimes.
Usually, it entertained me, but today, it had broken something inside me.
“She needs you,” James said. “You ground her in a way no one else does. I know that can’t be easy. Laurel can be stubborn and headstrong.”
“Yeah, she can be,” I agreed.
“But she’s also courageous and determined and clever.”
“And beautiful,” I added before I could stop myself.
James’s mouth twitched. “Yes. And beautiful.”
I stared into the darkness between the trees. Laurel was the most incredible girl I’d ever known, though the word felt too small for her. It did not account for how alive everything felt when she was near.
“She has a lot of qualities,” James said. “Some good and some bad. We all do. You have to decide if you love her good qualities enough to endure the difficult ones. And I’m not saying it’s all on you. Relationships go both ways. I’m sure she thinks you have good and bad qualities as well.”
“More bad than good,” I muttered.
James was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice had changed. “My wife used to say things like that when we fought. But only when we fought. People say things they don’t mean when they’re hurt or angry.”
I looked over at him. I sometimes forgot James had been married. His wife had died years before I knew him and they’d never had children. Robin Hood had once told me that James used to be more energetic and fun-loving, but grief had quieted something in him after she passed. He rarely spoke of her.
“I think Laurel meant what she said,” I said.
“Oh, there’s always some truth in what people say when they argue,” James replied.
“That’s why it hurts so much. If it were all nonsense, you could dismiss it.
But during a fight, people take one true thing and use it as a weapon.
If you only look at one flaw, it seems enormous.
When you step back and look at the whole person, it becomes part of them, not all of them.
That’s the danger of relationships—other people see the worst parts of you and you have to hope they won’t use it against you. ”
I knew James was trying to help, and if he’d said all this to us several hours ago, perhaps it would have helped.
But now… I likely wouldn’t be able to salvage my relationship with Laurel.
It was already over. She had called it off.
And if we weren’t together, how could we both be members of the Merry Men?
It would always be awkward and uncomfortable.
I would have to watch her laugh with others, fight beside others, perhaps one day love someone else, and pretend it wasn’t tearing me open.
“Do you still care about her?” James asked.
“It doesn’t matter if I do or not, does it?” I said coldly. “She doesn’t want me.”
“She will once she calms down. I’ve known Laurel her whole life. She’ll be too proud to admit it any time soon, but once she realizes what she lost, she’ll regret making a hasty decision.”