Chapter 29 - Diana
“But… but… I was sick.”
Dr. Trooper nods. “Weekend bug’s going around. Took out half the damn hospital.”
“So, I’m not pregnant?” I say it slowly, like that’ll make me believe what I’m hearing.
“No.”
No apology for his words. No comfort from them either. Just facts.
He looks at Karter, and with a nod, he steps away. “I’ll be back in a little while with discharge papers. You should be able to go home tonight.”
I nod, though I’m not sure at what. What did he say?
I look down at my hands. Somewhere in all of this, I pulled them from Karter’s, and now they’re in my lap. “I’m not pregnant,” I say out loud, since saying it in my head doesn’t seem to sink in as quickly as it should. My voice is soft, unlike the crack forming in my heart.
Okay, I can do this. I just word-vomited to a man I love about not needing him to raise his kid only to find out there is no kid. Talk about overreaction.
I wince at my lame attempt of humor, even in my own head. It’s a coping mechanism, but one I don’t want right now.
“I need to call Nana.” She must be freaking out.
“She knows,” Karter says with a steady voice as he puts his hand over mine.
I still don’t look up, but I look over his weathered skin. Rough hands. Ones that have worked. That he’s done so much with. They might even be dangerous to some, but never to me. I always feel safe with these hands.
“You told her?” I peek up at him.
He nods once. “She came to the hospital when you weren’t picking up your phone. She told me.”
Told you I was pregnant. Or thought I was. She did. Not me.
“I’m sorry.” I swallow the guilt I have for throwing something on his plate he didn’t need to have. Even if it wasn’t real.
He shakes his head. “No apologies, Babygirl. You did what you thought was right. For you and the kid. I was so locked up in my shit that night I came over, I would have missed an alligator munching on the furniture.”
His words take a second to register, and then I’m laughing so hard I start crying.
“Alligator munching on furniture? Really?”
He shrugs, and a ghost of a smile hovers over his lips.
“You might not know this yet, but I’m a bit of a redneck. Mom and Dad might have wanted lots of things from me, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t born and raised in the south waters of Louisiana.”
“But you don’t have an accent,” I say with a shake of my head because I don’t believe it at all.
“Lost that in the Army. Law school made sure it never returned.”
“Is this your way of telling me that alligator feet and frog legs are on the menu in the foreseeable future?”
“Nah. But I wouldn’t turn down a hush puppy or two.”
“Same,” I say with a small smile that brings the mood from random back to what it was.
He leans in and takes my hand in his, pulling it closer to himself.
The silence between us isn’t the escape I want it to be.
To leave the topic and pretend that this didn’t happen.
Everything from today. That we can just ignore what I thought and move past it.
But before he opens his mouth, I know we can’t.
We can’t move on till it’s been discussed, raw and awkward as it is.
“Talk to me, Babygirl. What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”
I shake my head as a monsoon of emotions hits me hard and my throat clogs.
“Shhh, baby. I’ve got you.” He stands, brushes my hair back, and kisses my forehead. My cheeks.
When he pulls back, I grab his shirt and bring him in for a kiss. Just one. I need the connection only his lips on me can give right now.
“I’m not going anywhere. Got all the time in the world. Just talk to me,” he says, pressing his forehead to mine before sitting on the edge of the bed. I should tell him not to, but I really want him close to me, and rules are sometimes broken.
“Ashley had a checkup. I was only meant to go with her because Barry couldn’t. Or I guess wouldn’t. I also went because I was going to get an appointment for…” I glance at him bashfully before looking back down. “You know.”
He uses his fingers to raise my chin to look at him. “Stop.” It’s a hard tone, but I don’t flinch from it. “No more apologizing. No more feeling foolish or guilty for what happened. You had one thought and knew to check it out. I would have insisted on it as well.”
I nod and swallow the unwanted emotions down. Sadness. That’s what I’m feeling. But I’m not sure if it’s sadness at the loss of the idea of a kid of my own or what happened to my friend.
“We were in the waiting room. Ruby was there, and we were talking. Ashley had been sent back for a preliminary blood-pressure test and stuff like that when Barry came in demanding to see her. He had a single-track focus on finding her. I don’t think he saw anyone else in that room till he saw her.
Then he… he….” I can’t finish as it hits me all over again.
I can see it, feel it, smell it…. Tears and shudders rack my body and I sob.
He grabs me quickly and pulls me into his arms.
I cry for what feels like hours, and he lets me. I can barely get out the rest, but I finally do between sobs. He gets it, all of it. If I left anything out, I’m sure I’ll tell him later, but for now, he has it all.
He continues to hold me, rocking me a little as my tears dry up and the emotions of the day die down enough for me to take steady breaths.
“Thank you for protecting Ruby,” he says. I nod in acceptance. “She likes you.”
I snort and pull back so he can see my eye roll.
“Well, she doesn’t think you’re the devil incarnate at least.”
“There’s that, I guess,” I mutter, which gets a laugh out of him as he brings me back against his chest.
“About the baby.” He takes a breath, and I hold my own. “Do you want one?”
He rubs my arm with one hand and holds my hand with the other one. If it weren’t for the occasional beeping and the puke-green gown I’m in, I could almost assume we’re somewhere else. Anywhere else but at a hospital because of the day I’ve had.
I close my eyes and let my heart speak for me.
“Yes.”
I never knew I did till now. The future wasn’t something I planned beyond what a weekend shift was, my mind always on the here and now.
Thoughts of family and kids, even what the house would look like, never crossed my mind before today.
But now that I know it was a trick of the system, I can see what I want. I can describe it.
“Before, the future was just me and Nana. Just the same day over and over, and that was okay for me.”
“Till?” he pushes softly, not probing for more than I’m ready to give.
“You,” I answer honestly and look up at him. “You came into my life, and then I thought of what it could be with you. The same over and over was never a bad dream, but it wasn’t till you came along that I knew I wanted more.”
“And now?”
“I still want more,” I whisper.
“Tell me.”
I start speaking before I even realize he demanded an answer.
But it wasn’t a demand. It was a plea to learn more.
To know about my heart’s desire and wants, which I’m still learning myself.
To share them with him, the good and the bad.
To see if they align with his or if we aren’t as perfect a match as I’ve suspected from the start.
“A house like Nana’s. Big and old, so the charm doesn’t go away. A dog and a cat.”
“Both?”
I smile and nod. “I can’t decide, so I think it’s best just to get one of each. They can grow up together and be the best of friends too.” This one is probably a dream I’ve seen from watching too many late-night TikToks with cute animals.
“What else?” He smiles encouragingly as he brushes hair behind my ear.
“Kids. One, maybe two. Three.” I shake my head at the absurdity of it all. I lost one nonexistent kid to find out I want three.
“Anything else?”
It’s my turn to reach out and cup his jaw, lined with wrinkles and sprinkled with salt-and-pepper hairs to make up his beard and mustache.
People might look at us and think we don’t match, but we do.
We’re the same age in our hearts. The number on the paper is just that, a random number. It means nothing.
Over twenty years apart? It’s nothing. Not compared to what I feel for this man.
“A man to share it with. One to love fiercely and fight for every day and night.”
His eyes search mine. “Got someone in mind?”
I nod slowly.
“I love you, Karter. You might not want the kids, the house—” I huff out a laugh. “Or the pets, but I want you. Anyway I can have you, I want you.”
He clears his throat and grabs my hand, pulling it away from his face and kissing my knuckles before putting it back in my lap.
“What kind of man would I be if I let the woman I love go without her dreams?”
A smile hangs in the balance of his next words. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that you’re mine just as much as I’m yours. I’ve got a history of falling for women. I fall fast and hard. Did that with my first wife. Plan to do it with my next one.”
I can hardly breathe, let alone hope I understand his words.
He moves me till I’m facing him fully with one hand on my hip and the other around my neck so I can’t look away.
“Ruby was in here earlier. Said I fell for one woman in my lifetime. Funny thing is, I died. She figured that grants me another lifetime. Another love of my life. And it’s you, Babygirl.
Has been since the moment I opened my eyes and saw you.
You’re it for me. And if you’ll have me, I’m going to make you my old lady. ”
He watches my face as I take it all in. His words. His heart, which he’s giving to me. All of it.
“Does that mean we can get a cat and a dog?” I sniff as the first thought in my mind slips out. I don’t know what else to do with everything he just said.
He laughs and crushes my lips to his. His tongue sweeps in, and I let him take control. As he usually does. I don’t resist his dominance. Not when it makes me feel more alive than anything ever has before.
I pull him tightly to me, planning on never letting him go again.
Before, my mind was on Ashley. On protecting her while I could.
Even if she wasn’t alive, I had the urge to protect her body, her spirit.
But I was also protecting what I thought was Karter’s kid.
Our kid. I feel okay knowing a part of him was with me.
But I knew to protect myself more than the others because I would never want to hurt him in any way.
And with me going, losing the kid because of me, that would cause him more pain than I ever want him to deal with.
But no more.
No more pain. No more worrying if he would want something like that.
Again, or just with me. He knows my dreams, and he’s not running away.
Not screaming for me not to call, not yelling at me to keep away from him.
He has both arms wrapped firmly around me and is holding on just as tight as I’m holding him.
Neither of us wants this to end between us.
He wants me to be his old lady. I might not know everything about club life, but I know that’s a thing.
A special thing. Something sacred, not given out to random girls.
Not to someone who’s just a weekend thing or even a few-weeks thing.
It’s not a ring, but in his world? In the world I’m willing to go into? It’s equivalent to it.
He eases me back down on the bed, covering half of me, his lips not leaving mine as we continue to express our love in the most natural way.
But when his hand slides down my neck and leaves a path in its wake that makes me tingle all over, I pull back.
“We need to stop.”
“Why?” He nips at my lips. My nose. My ears. Kissing and teasing as he circles my face in love and affection.
“Vicky will be back soon. She’ll want this room for the next patient.”
“Vicky needs to get laid,” he mumbles between licks around my throat, and I chuckle. He’s not wrong. Ashley and I used to joke about it constantly.
The thought of her death is still raw, but I know I can look back on her and smile.
I’m heartbroken that she and her kids won’t grow up here.
That I won’t meet them and learn to be a part of their life.
But I have to think that she’s living life with them now.
In heaven. In a place that Barry can’t get to.
“Maybe, but I’m not about to get laid and have her walk in on me.”
He pulls back, his arms straightened on either side of my head so most of his weight is gone.
“Thought you wanted kids?”
“I do?” It comes out unsure. I have no idea where he’s going with this.
“One or three. Right?”
“Yes?” Another question. Not sure if my answers are helping or hurting in this conversation.
His grin turns saucy as he leans down, hovering just out of reach, and waits. I can’t help but look at his lips, then back to his eyes. Again and again, my attention is drawn to his plump lips. I want them on me. So badly.
“Then we best get started. I’m not getting any younger, woman.”
Then he seals his mouth over mine, and all thoughts of anything else but him leave my mind. I sink into the feeling of him as our future swarms around me and swaddles me up in endless happiness.