Chapter 33
I’ll be keeping you safe
Clara
I bit my lip, trying to contain my claustrophobia and lie perfectly still as I was moved through the CT scanner.
Everything from the last hour was fuzzy: the sound of the frying pan and the dull thunk as it connected to my father’s head, the dizziness as I ran out onto the front lawn, Rafe appearing as if my fevered imagination had conjured him to life.
All of it was a jumbled mishmash in my mind.
I had a cracking headache and my temple was still throbbing from my father’s fist and the wood of the table.
I knew that there was a cut there. I could still feel the dried blood around my eye, but I didn’t know the extent of the damage.
No one had given me a mirror yet. I’d lost consciousness after the head injury and, although it had only been brief, I’d then become disoriented once we reached the emergency department, so I had been immediately rushed for a scan.
The last place I wanted to be was inside this horrid, noisy tube. I wasn’t convinced it was necessary, to be honest.
I’d been knocked out once before when I was a teenager. That time I’d woken up on the kitchen floor, with Zach crying next to me; he’d helped me into bed afterwards. There was no hospital assessment involved then.
Finally, the noise was over, and I closed my eyes in relief.
They’d asked me if I wanted to listen to music, but I’d turned them down.
In the back of my mind I think I was worried that music would make me feel something.
I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to be numb; to not be scared all the time.
“Alright, love?” the porter asked me as he wheeled me back down the corridor to the ward.
“I’m fine.” I whispered the lie easily, then turned my head to the side to look at the walls and doors of the wards as we whisked past.
I’d expected to be wheeled back to the overcrowded emergency department, but instead the trolley turned into a different wing of the hospital and then finally into a private room containing Rafe, Mrs Clayton and Lily.
“The results?” snapped Rafe at the porter, expecting instant feedback on a scan I’d had only minutes before.
“Don’t look at me, guv’nor,” the porter said. “Expect they’ll let you know in a bit. I just move the patients.”
Rafe huffed out an annoyed breath and then turned to me.
The fuzzy memories of Rafe holding me in the back of Mrs Clayton’s car filtered through my mind: his strong arms around me, his deep voice telling me how everything was going to be fine, how he had me now, how he wasn’t going to let anything hurt me.
The thread of fear in his tone had thrown me.
I’d never heard Rafe scared before. Was he scared of my father?
Of what my family could do? He was right to be. I knew that better than anyone.
I couldn’t deal with Rafe at the moment, so I closed my eyes to shut him out and turned to Lily and Mrs Clayton instead.
“I told you not to come to any of Dad’s houses,” I said, my voice hoarse. Mrs C’s face was pale, and Lily’s eyes were red-rimmed as if she’d been crying.
“Young lady, I will not follow illogical orders,” said Mrs Clayton in her no-nonsense tone.
“We were terrified, hun,” said Lily, her voice trembling. “I didn’t know what else to do.”
“I didn’t want you involved.” My voice was weaker now. I was weak. “I didn’t want you exposed like that. You’re all I have and…” My throat seized up, and I had to swallow against the tightness there, but when I opened my mouth to speak again, Rafe cut me off.
“They are not all you have,” he said in that firm, authoritative tone.
Even though it hurt to look at him, I still made myself do it.
He was frowning at me from across the room.
Was he still angry with me about my family?
Now that he could see I was going to be okay, were we back to him judging me for shit I couldn’t control?
Was he implying that I had my family, so not just Mrs C and Lily?
I knew he was angry that I’d lied about that.
But I was simply too exhausted to deal with an angry Rafe at that moment, so I turned away from him again to look at Lily.
“Did you go to him?” I whispered. “Y-you shouldn’t have done that. I––”
“I can understand why you’d say that, darling,” Rafe cut me off again, but this time his voice was soft. Darling? What was going on here? “I was a complete bastard at the courthouse.”
I blinked at him. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, so I couldn’t make out the expression on his face. “W-what?”
“I was humiliated when I had to recuse myself. Instead of taking a second to actually think, I pushed you away when you needed my help.” His voice cracked at the end of that sentence and surprise shot through me. He sounded wretched.
“In my defence, despite the fact I pride myself on my high IQ, I simply couldn’t reconcile everything quickly enough. So I will add stupid sod to total bastard.”
“Agreed,” muttered Lily, but Rafe ignored her.
“You were asking me for help in that courthouse corridor, weren’t you, Clara? Not help for your family, but help for you and your brother.”
“My brother?” I said weakly. Rafe knew about Zach?
He moved quickly then, striding over to the side of my bed. When he was close enough, his large hand came up to cup my face gently.
“You were hurt,” he said in a broken whisper. “You were hurt, and I’ll never forgive myself.” To my complete shock, his eyes filled with tears.
I shook my head, my cheek and then hair sliding through his fingers. “I’m not your responsib––”
“Don’t say it,” he cut in, his voice still hoarse. “Please don’t say you’re not mine. I’ve fucked up. I admit that but––”
“I was never yours,” I whispered. “Everything we had was built on secrets and lies. You wouldn’t have gone near me if you knew where I came from. And now this is just pity and guilt. You’re a good man and you feel bad. But I’m not your problem. I––”
“Stop. Talking.” Rafe’s eyes flashed as he leaned into me, his gorgeous face so close now that if I leaned forward just an inch, my mouth would be on his.
“I don’t know where you’ve got this whole good, self-sacrificing man idea from about me.
I’m ruthless, I’m ambitious, I will step over people to get what I want, and I do take what I want.
I think you may be under the false impression that I’m a man who would be with a woman out of guilt, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Guilt or no, you’re mine, Clara. You were mine before I even laid eyes on you, and you know it. ”
I shook my head again, and his jaw clenched as a frustrated expression settled over his features.
“Well, we can sort this out later after you’ve come home and you’ve recovered.”
My eyes flew wide, flinching away from his hand so hard that pain shot through my temple, and I winced.
“Rafe,” Lily said cautiously from behind him. “I think you should step back from her now.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw as he scanned my face, then eventually he dropped his hand and took a step back from the bed, crossing his arms over his chest.
“I’m not coming home with you,” I whispered.
“Don’t be absurd,” Rafe said dismissively as he stared across at me. “Of course you are. I’ve told Poppy that––”
“Don’t involve Poppy,” I said, my voice rising in horror. Poppy was the most vibrant person I’d ever met, but there was a thread of vulnerability there. This situation would terrify her. I’d done enough damage already.
Rafe’s eyebrows went up. “Of course Poppy’s involved. She cares about you too, Clara.”
I shook my head again, then winced when the sharp pain came back.
“Shit,” Rafe muttered as his face paled. “You need some more analgesia.” He moved forward and pressed the call bell on the side of my bed before I could stop him.
“I’m fine,” I said. “And this is the NHS, you can’t just ring and expect to be…”
“Lord Sterling?” A nurse had appeared in the doorway. “How can I help, sir?”
“Clara needs some analgesia, please. Now.”
“Yes, of course. Right away.” The nurse practically ran out of there to do his bidding. What the hell was going on? Then I started looking around at my surroundings and my heart skipped a few beats.
“What did you do?” I asked in a low whisper. “Why did that nurse come so quickly? Why do I have my own room?”
“I was not having you stay on a goddamn trolley in the emergency department when you’d been knocked unconscious,” Rafe said, his voice ringing with that authoritative tone again, which was starting to piss me off.
“I can’t afford a private room,” I said through my teeth.
His brows lowered. “You’re not paying for the room. I am. Obviously.”
“You’ve got to stop,” I said, my voice rising. I felt for the side table and blew out a relieved breath when my fingers closed over my glasses. My hands were shaking as I put them on. I blinked through the large crack in the centre of one of the lenses, but at least I could see clearly now.
“This has got to stop.” My eyes started to sting, and Rafe’s expression went from annoyed frustration to concern in an instant.
I closed my eyes to shut him out and summoned up the way he’d looked at me in that courthouse corridor.
He hadn’t been concerned then. I would never forget the disgust on his face as he looked down on me and then looked away.
Never forget the pain of that rejection. I couldn’t go through that again.
“Clara, darling,” he started to say as he took a couple of steps back towards the bed, but I held up my hand to ward him off and he came to an abrupt halt.
He uncrossed his arms and reached back with one hand to grip the back of his neck, the muscles of his chest and arms flexing under his suit.
Suddenly, I was wishing that I didn’t have my full vision back again.
Rafe in all his gloriousness was enough to short-circuit any woman’s brain into making poor choices.
I’d made enough poor choices already. Number one of those was the Big Terrible Thing.
“Let me take care of you.” His voice now had an almost pleading quality to it which was so un-Rafe-like it took me a few seconds to answer.
“I’m going back to ED,” I told him, trying to keep my voice steady. “Then I’m going back to my flat.” I looked around at all of them standing around the bed with various expressions of concern on their faces. “You should all distance yourselves from me.”
“Clara,” Lily snapped. “What the hell are you––?”
“I’ve put you in enough danger as it is.
I won’t continue to risk other people’s safety.
” I swallowed, and when I spoke again, my voice had dropped like it always did when I discussed the Big Terrible Thing.
“I shouldn't have done it. They can’t protect me. It wasn’t worth it.
But I’ve learnt my lesson. I’m going to take Zach and we’ll go somewhere.
Maybe even out of the country. It’s not safe here. I can’t––”
“You will do no such bloody thing,” Rafe said. The concern from before had been replaced with near fury now. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“It’s not safe for me here,” I said, my voice cracking over the words. How could he not understand this? “They won’t stop now that they know. I’m a sitting duck and I—”
“Of course you’ll be safe.” His voice now was full of complete masculine affront. “I’ll be keeping you safe.”
“No, you will not. I’m leaving and you can’t––”
“That’s enough!” His voice cracked through the room like a whip.
If it had just been the shout, then maybe I could have managed not to react, but he accompanied it with his hand slashing through the air to make his point.
The combination brought out my deep-seated survival instincts.
My hands went up to cover my face, I cringed back into the bed and I let out a frightened whimper which seemed to suck all the energy from the room.
“Shit,” Rafe muttered in horror. “Shit, Clara, baby, I––”
“Stay back, Rafe,” Lily said, her voice shaking as she moved to me and took me in her arms. “It’s okay, love. You’re safe here.”
I burrowed into her, and that’s when the floodgates opened.
“I thought I was d-d-doing the right thing,” I said through my sobs as I soaked Lily’s jumper with my tears.
“I c-c-couldn’t see another way. I thought they’d keep us safe, b-b-but I just made things worse.
We’ll never be safe. I d-d-don’t even know where Zach is. ”
“Zach’s fine, hun,” Lily said, her voice shaking with tears as well now. “He’s fine. And what you did was incredibly brave.”
“I’m not b-b-brave,” I said in a broken whisper. “I’m scared all the time. I’m so tired, Lily. I’m so tired of this fear.”