Chapter 40
Th-the woman you love?
Rafe
She stormed into the kitchen like a small, neon pink ball of fury and I had to hold back a smile. Smiling in the face of her anger would not be a good idea. But I loved angry Clara. Well, I loved Clara however she came really, but angry Clara was particularly fascinating.
It also felt like a massive achievement that she felt safe enough to be angry with me, and a huge contrast from those early days of total blankness with the occasional fear reaction after she was discharged from hospital.
But now, a few weeks in, she was slowly coming out of herself and I bloody loved it.
I was not by nature a gentle or patient man, but with Clara I was learning how.
I had to. For a start, she was traumatised.
She had finally started counselling last week, after her initial flat refusal.
It was only after I’d asked Mrs C to help me convince her that Clara agreed to it.
Bending the truth slightly (at my behest), Mrs C told Clara that Molton Prep had a fund for staff counselling services and that they happened to have a specialist trauma counsellor on their books.
Mrs C was a surprisingly good liar. Clara had already had two sessions with Mary Tandent, the very best counsellor for PTSD that I could find.
I knew it was helping. I could see Clara improving.
But she still had a long way to go, and me forcing her into a relationship would probably not be the most sensible move at the moment.
The other, not insignificant, reason for my patience was that I had been a complete and total arsehole. The longer I had to stew on it, the more I tortured myself with what I’d done in that courthouse corridor.
I had nightmares where I woke up sweating after replaying the sight of Clara’s pale face and her desperate expression when she stopped me that day.
In my dreams, I could feel her grip on my arm, hear her whispered “please” as she begged me for help.
I shook her off, just like I had in real life, even though my mind was screaming at me that I was making a mistake, that what I needed to do was hold her, scoop her up and carry her out of that fucking place, away from her family.
I’d allowed the woman I loved to be hurt, and the guilt was eating me alive.
So, if she came to me, it had to be on her own terms. I wouldn’t push her… well, not much anyway.
However, on the issue she was currently revving herself up to rant at me about, I was not going to relent. The puppy stirred from his nap in his dog bed in front of the Aga and he bounced over to us. Clara paused to lean down and tickle his tummy before continuing her rant.
“Rafe, what are all my worldly belongings doing here?” she snapped.
“I like your jumper,” I said through a smile.
“My…?” she trailed off as heat hit her cheeks and she stamped her foot in frustration. My smile grew even wider. “What has my jumper got to do with anything?”
“That’s a beautiful colour on you,” I told her the truth, and her blush deepened.
I was hoping that the clothes were another sign of recovery.
In the last two weeks, Clara had gradually abandoned the unrelenting black and grey.
Yesterday she wore a bright yellow t-shirt with leggings that had tiny daisies all over them.
Granted, she had a grey cardigan over the top, but still, it was brighter than any of her old clothes.
The pink jumper she was in now, paired with light blue jeans, was a real leap forward. Poppy was still keeping up the steady stream of clothing into Clara’s wardrobe.
“Right… well, thanks but that’s not the point,” Clara said in frustration.
“I’m sorry, darling. What exactly was the point again?” I asked, feigning confusion.
“Rafe Sterling, you know exactly what I’m talking about. All my stuff is here now, including George the goldfish.”
“Well, technically George never left. He’s a Sterling now.”
Her lips twitched but her eyes narrowed at me. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed my mugs have made their way into your cupboard and my grandma’s throw is on the sofa. You’ve moved me in! Is there anything left in my flat?”
I paused for a moment, then, “No.”
“Ugh! Rafe, I’m not staying here.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s… it’s inappropriate.”
I tilted my head to the side. “How so?”
Clara threw her hands up in the air. “I’m just some random teacher with a dodgy background that you barely even know. And I’ve disrupted your whole life, r-r-ruined your career…” she broke off as tears filled her eyes.
“Clara,” I said in a firm tone as I stood from my stool, ready to go to her, but when I took a step towards her, she took a corresponding one back and I froze.
I’d promised myself not to stalk her or corner her like I wanted to.
Only a total dickhead would crowd and bulldoze his way in with a traumatised woman.
I had to be careful, even if all my instincts were screaming at me to close the distance between us and take her in my arms.
“No, Rafe, let me finish,” she said in a shaky voice.
“I need to say this. Zach and I should move out. You c-can be free of us. I’m like a millstone around your neck now.
I’ve barely been functioning, and I can’t just hide here forever.
I should have been stronger and left sooner.
It’s just this house feels so safe, and I think I needed that.
” She broke off to pick up the puppy who was scrabbling at her feet, lifting him up so he could snuggle into the soft wool over her chest. Lucky dog.
“But I’m getting better. I’m not as scared anymore.
I’m back at work part-time, and last week I even went out.
Okay, it was with Poppy and Lily, and okay, we had close protection shadowing us, but it was a big step for me, and I think it shows I’m ready to be on my own. ”
“Clara, do you want to be on your own?” I said softly as I stared straight into those deep brown eyes.
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” she whispered, one of her tears falling down her cheek and then onto the puppy’s fur. My chest tightened and I had to expend a considerable amount of effort not to stride over there and take her in my arms.
“Yes, it does, darling. It’s the only thing that matters. Why do you think you ruined my career?”
She blinked across at me. “You had to recuse yourself because of me. I know that hurt your career, Rafe. If I’d been honest with you from the start, then it could have all been avoided.”
“How do you know it hurt my career?”
She threw her hands up. “All you’ve ever wanted was to be a high court judge, and I ruined that for you.
And now you’re here way more than you ever were before.
You used to work long hours, but you’ve cut right back.
I’m not an idiot. I did that. I know I did.
You might not resent me for it now because your judgement is clouded with some warped sense of guilt about what happened at the courthouse.
But you can’t just keep letting Zach and me stay here out of guilt. I can’t let you do it.”
“Guilt?” I stared at her as everything about the last month rearranged in my mind. “You think you’re here because I feel guilty?”
She frowned at me. “Well, yes, of course.” Her voice dropped again to a whisper. “And I love being here so much, being near you so much that I let you do it even though I knew it was wrong. I’m taking advantage of you, and you’re letting me because you’re a good man.”
That was when my control snapped. I simply could not listen to any more of her nonsense. Of course I felt guilty. I was guilty. But guilt being the reason behind me wanting her to stay with me? What was she on about?
Fuck giving her space. Fuck not crowding her. I’d had enough.
“I think you may have the wrong impression of me, Clara,” I said in a low voice as I stalked towards her. “I’m not a good man.”
Her eyes flew wide and she took a couple of steps back, the hand that wasn’t holding the puppy coming up to ward me off, but I didn’t stop until I’d backed her and the puppy up against the kitchen counter, caging them in with my hands resting on the granite either side of them.
“Yes, I’ve felt guilt over walking away from you in the courthouse. I will regret that for the rest of my life. But that is not why you and Zach are here.”
“It’s not?” she whispered as she stared up at me, her eyes still wide but the tears now had thankfully receded.
“No, baby,” I said softly as my hand came up to gently stroke her hair back behind her ear. “And my career is fine.”
“B-but why aren’t you at work?”
“Why do you think?” I asked as I searched her face.
She frowned in confusion.
“Clara, I took a leave of absence from work so I could be here with you. And now I’m only back a few days a week, and then only when you’re at the school.”
Her mouth dropped open in shock. “You’re here for me? W-why?”
The puppy wriggled between us and I chuckled.
“Right, mate,” I said to the ball of black fluff, stroking his head as he licked my hand.
“You jog on for a minute.” I took him from Clara and set him down on the tiles.
He dashed off in the direction of the living room.
“And don’t you dare piss on that carpet again!
” I called after him. Bloody Dad inflicting a dog on me.
Although I had to admit that the look on Zach’s face when he came home every day to that beast did make it worth it.
That boy had been through enough. He deserved some joy.
I moved back to Clara, caging her in again and resting my forehead on hers.
“I’m here because the woman I love was scared. Because I knew that, even if she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore, she felt safer if I was there. And because I simply couldn’t tear myself away from her, not after she was hurt.”
“Th-the woman you love?” she said in a tentative voice, her small hands resting on my chest now but not to push me away. “B-but you’ve barely been touching me.”
“I touch you all the time.”
I did risk a fair bit of physical contact with Clara.
Hugs, holding her on the sofa, kissing her temple, stroking her hair back from her face.
Of course I wasn’t allowing myself to touch her like I wanted.
After what she’d been through, I didn’t think that fucking her on every available surface of my house, which is what my fevered imagination would frequently come up with, was the best plan.
“Not like you did before,” she said in a small voice, and my hand that had moved into her hair at the nape of her neck automatically tightened. Her eyes flared at that, and a shot of pure hot desire flooded through me. “I thought that you didn’t want me anymore… like that, I mean.”
“Jesus Christ.” My voice was rough with desire. “Not want you?”
I didn’t often make an error of judgement, but clearly, not fucking Clara during her recovery was a massive one that I would be very happy to rectify. And I certainly wasn’t wasting any more time.