Chapter 18
Ashia
‘When I Fall In Love’ – Nat King Cole
I walk out of the bathroom and into our bedroom for the first time in days.
I desperately needed a shower, but I still tried to make it quick.
Even with how hot the water was, it still felt cold without him in there with me.
As I washed myself off, I thought of his hands and how much more space they cover than mine.
Washing my own hair didn’t feel near as good, and I even used his bodywash to try and make it feel like he was here.
That seemed to help a little bit, because now I smell like him, but I know it’ll fade in a few hours.
I’m dying to bury my face in his pillow and breathe in his scent as I try to fall asleep.
He's everywhere, and I’m terrified that he’s already dead.
I fear that his ghost is following me. If it wasn’t for the small glimmer of hope in my heart, I would already believe that.
It’s like his soul is here with me. I keep feeling whispers of his touch, and his voice speaks softly in the spaces around me.
As if this house holds all of our memories in its cracks, every step I take has a piece of his essence.
I feel like I’m drowning, and he’s the air I need to breathe.
Ser offered to stay in the room with me, but I just can’t imagine someone else in our bed.
I’m sure I’ll eventually crawl into the sheets with her down the hall, but I’ll hold out as long as I can.
I have Daisy with me, and she does bring me some kind of comfort.
She’s been lying on the floor by the bathroom door, waiting for me to get out, and now she’s sitting by my feet again.
Cries that aren’t mine make their way through the bedroom door, and my stomach flips.
It mists its way into the room like a paranormal wail, continuously feeding into the idea of my haunted thoughts.
I throw Damien’s T-shirt on and step out into the hall with Daisy following beside me.
It feels eerily distorted out here, like a spirit is watching me from the walls.
I shake the feeling as I step up to the railing, and witness something I didn’t expect in the open area below.
John and Leanne are standing in our empty living room, and now I know exactly where those cries are coming from.
John looks like a completely different man than the one I know.
His face is soft, and he holds Leanne in his arms like she’s made of glass.
She stares up at him like she’s clinging to God, and it’s so tender that it makes my heart throb weakly.
“Are you sure it’s them? I mean, how do you know for sure? They said it could be someone else…” Leanne sobs, and John cups her face in his hands. He leans down so she doesn’t have to look up too far to meet his eyes.
“It’s them, sweetheart. I know it. That’s the only explanation for us not finding him yet.
” He caresses her cheeks as she draws in a sharp breath, and she lets out a shrill cry.
John forces her chin up just a little more, and she fights for breath.
“I need you to be my strong girl, Leanne. Do you understand? I’m going to find him.
I promise you.” She starts to shake her head erratically, like she’s trying to run away from her own thoughts.
I had almost forgotten that she was taken by them years ago.
She was gone for two months. Even when I first met her and she warned me of the risks to a life like ours, the memories haunted her.
I could tell by the look in her eyes, and now she’s having to relive it all.
John seems absolutely certain that they have him—Saconne and DeLuca.
If she’s this terrified, I can only imagine what they’re doing to him.
Suddenly, Damien’s screams flood my head, and the demons show me a different type of haunt.
My body heats at the thought of him in pain.
I can almost feel it. An ache infects my limbs, my chest twists in agony, and my wrists bleed with my own memories.
If they’re as cruel as Hugo was, then he’s suffering.
The anguish in my heart is unlike anything else I’ve ever felt, and the worst part is the unknown.
I don’t know what’s happening to him, but the images my mind has conjured up are enough to bring me to my knees, if I were to let them.
I have to find him before it’s too late.
His mind is already so tortured, and the thought of that getting any worse just sends shocks through my body.
“You don’t understand, John! He can’t be with them!
You don’t know what it was like! You don’t understand!
You don’t know! You don’t know—” She starts to breathe heavily, and tears sting my eyes.
Just when I step towards the stairs, feeling the urge to help her, he pulls her into his chest. Her hands grip his shirt like the ground will fall out beneath her, and I can feel my skin ripple with sorrow.
John lifts her small form just enough to place her feet on top of his, and he starts to sway with her.
The sight takes my breath. I’ve never seen him so gentle or so warm.
His hand caresses the back of her head, much like Damien does for me, and I can faintly hear him speak.
No, not speak. Sing. I can barely hear the words, but he whispers this melody softly in her ear.
It’s almost instantly that her sobs suppress to small whimpers, probably just so she could hear him better.
Her eyes are closed, but they’re not shut as tightly anymore, and even though her face is buried in his chest, her mouth is hanging open, like it’s easier for her to breathe.
John’s head rests against hers, and the look in his eyes is what really gets me.
He’s in so much pain.
While he doesn’t have the polymorphism trait like Leanne and Damien, it’s almost like he does.
Despair, anger, heartbreak, and so many other emotions swirl in his brown eyes.
Each one of them has left a scar, and his cold demeanor makes all the more sense.
It’s for her. She has to feel so intensely, and he just absorbs it so she doesn’t have to anymore.
He holds it there for whenever she needs it, and I’ve never witnessed something so selfless in my life.
I’m sure he wants to scream and cry like the rest of us have.
If he’s anything like Damien, which I know he is, I’m sure there’s a building somewhere that has already collapsed under his rage.
He’s already been on so many ‘errands’ that I can only imagine the aftermath.
I can see the raised veins under his skin, and there seems to be a permanent, angry flush to his skin.
The demon the Hartley men know so well is waiting just below the surface to be released, but of course, he’s keeping it at bay for her—for the woman he loves more than his own life.
A tear finally falls from my eyes, and that’s when he catches sight of me.
He doesn’t stop or look away. He wouldn’t dare.
The sureness in his expression silently tells me it’s okay.
That I needed to see it. Damien does exactly the same thing for me, and it’s like he has to tell me that he understands my pain—that he understands my need for Damien’s presence.
I saw the pain in his eyes when he arrived, and even when he doesn’t think I see it, I can see the void in his stare.
Another piece of his heart is gone, and he’s not going to stop until he brings Damien home.
None of us will. That devotion to his son is something we all share.
His gaze bores into mine as we come to a silent understanding, and I give him a silent nod.
As John finally looks away from me and back down at Leanne, I take that as my cue to leave.
As I turn back to our bedroom, I feel like a different person.
The woman that my husband has always seen inside me comes to the front lines and prepares for battle.
His monster whispers in my ear, coaxing her out.
The world is completely different in Damien’s eyes, and that’s how I’ll see it from this day forward.
Until he’s back in our bed, and in my arms, I’ll be his queen of darkness—just as he’s always seen me.
I’ll never be the same again, but I knew that the moment he disappeared.
Damien’s little wolf is coming out to play, and if I’ve learned anything from watching my husband, it’s how to cause some damage.
When I was taken, he didn’t care about the mess he made. He tore this city apart, and he didn’t feel an ounce of remorse. He had no regard for the people he killed, or the things he had to do just to hold me again.
I won’t either.