Chapter 20
twenty
BONNIE
Mac started talking before she’d cleared the front door.
“I got the last bottle of holiday custard. And the pizza and garlic knots will be here in twenty. I also ordered a Greek salad to split just so we could say we ate a vegetable at some point.”
My sister’s arms were loaded down with shopping bags, but when I moved to help her, she waved me off.
She dropped her supplies on my kitchen counter, and a pint of butter pecan ice cream went rolling onto the floor along with a box of Cookie Dough Bites and a bag of honey mustard pretzels.
With wide eyes, I stared at the mess of comfort calories. “Wow, you really went all out.”
“Well,” she said, swooping down to pick up the snacks that had tried to escape, “I figured if we were eating our feelings, then we should have some depth in the lineup.”
Following my last conversation with Jack, I’d pushed through and made it to the weekend. I knew I couldn’t let myself crumble, or school would be unmanageable. But today had been the last day before holiday break for both students and faculty, and now, I could let myself fall apart.
I’d texted my sister and told her Jack and I had broken up. She’d said she’d be over in an hour.
I really did love my sister.
But for a long time, I hadn’t let her love me back. Not the real me anyway. Jack had tossed around a lot of bullshit on Tuesday night, but he hadn’t been wrong about that.
I used to think I was the truest version of myself when I was alone, hiding myself away, tucking my fears and worries somewhere secret where no one could find them. But I think I was most myself when I was with Jack. I’d let him in. He’d seen the messy, imperfect parts of me and hadn’t shied away.
It was time I let other people know the truth, too.
“Are we watching Pride and Prejudice or North and South?” Mac asked as she shoved another pint of ice cream into my freezer.
I took a deep breath and said, “I thought, maybe, we could just talk.”
My sister’s movements halted for a long moment before she replied casually, “Yeah. Uh, sure. We can do that.”
I smiled at the surprise in her tone as well as the terrible attempt to hide it.
“Let’s sit in the living room,” I called. “Bring the pretzels.”
Once we were settled on the couch, I turned to face Mac and told her the truth, for the first time in a very long time. “I haven’t been a very good sister to you.”
“Bonnie,” she scolded, and I loved her even more for looking so affronted on my behalf.
Instead of arguing, I explained, “I’ve hidden a lot of things about myself and kept even more from you.
Not just you, but Mom and Dad and Larry and everyone.
I only wanted you to see the good stuff, like the shiny social media version of myself.
I never even told you what happened with my marriage. ”
“I didn’t ask,” Mac said quietly.
With a sad smile, I told her, “Because you didn’t feel like you could. I was so fragile and messed up at the time. And you didn’t want me to unravel even more.”
My sister’s dark brows were furrowed, but she didn’t dispute it.
It seemed silly now, after all this time, that I’d kept so many things from Mac and the rest of my family.
I could have leaned on them. I could have told them the truth about Danny and the end of my marriage.
It had taken some time, but I’d learned that I didn’t have to do life alone.
And the people who loved me the most had earned the chance to be there for me.
Instead, I’d punished them and discounted them, taking their loyalty for granted.
“I want to be more honest,” I said. “I want to be the sister you deserve. Let you see the messy side of me. The parts that are tired and anti-social and a little bit cynical. And I’m sick of keeping things from you just so you can keep this favorable opinion of me.
I’m not perfect. I cry. I have anxiety. I see a therapist. I stole a rabbit. ”
Mac blinked.
I continued, “What I’m trying to say is, I want you to know me. I want us to have a good relationship—a real relationship. I love you, MacKenzie.”
“I love you too, Bon.” She reached over and drew me into a tight hug. “Even if you stole a rabbit, apparently.”
I snorted into her shoulder.
For the next half an hour, I told my sister the truth.
I told her about my marriage. How unhappy and lonely I’d been as Danny and I steadily grew apart.
I admitted how stressful it had been trying for a baby for so long, while Danny refused to see a doctor or contemplate fertility evaluations and treatment.
I told her about Danny cheating and how everything came undone over the course of ten months, ending with him asking for the divorce in a fit of frustrated impatience.
I only paused to grab the pizza and tip the delivery driver before resuming once more.
Mac listened and didn’t interject her opinion or interrupt to call Danny a piece of shit, which I appreciated and knew must have been difficult for her.
I wrapped things up with how Jack and I had met.
How I’d gone to Magnolia on the night of my divorce looking for trouble, but instead .
. . I’d found him. Then I told her about falling in love with him slowly over the last few months.
His surprising sweetness, his constant care, the cabinet.
And then how he’d broken things off three days ago.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so closed off,” I said, finally. “I thought if you only saw the very best version of me, you wouldn’t worry.”
“And I was smothering you,” Mac replied matter-of-factly.
“No,” I argued.
She wiped her hand on a napkin and placed her empty plate on the coffee table.
“No, I was. Always texting, making sure you were coming to trivia, or inviting you to dinner with me and Brady. I definitely overdid it after you and Danny separated. But, Bon, I was so worried. Seeing you have a panic attack . . . I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d seen you cry.
I think I was in shock or something. And it scared me enough that I never wanted it to happen ever again.
So I thought if I checked on you enough, spent enough time with you, that I could keep you busy and distracted. That I could prevent it.”
“And I do appreciate that, Mac. I know you care about me. That’s never been a doubt in my mind. I’m going to do better. Be more honest. If I’m having a crappy day, I won’t just gloss over it and say I’m fine.”
“You could get mad at me, too. We could fight,” she added helpfully. “Sisters do that. Tell me to fuck off if I’m being too much or suffocating you. Or if you need me to help you get through this thing with Jack, I can be here with pizza and ice cream whenever you want.”
I smiled, grateful for my loyal, badass sister. But I didn’t know what was going to happen with Jack, and I’d spent too much of my life doing things the hard way to try to fix this on my own.
“What happened, Bonnie? Did he hurt you?”
I sighed, but admitted, “Yes, but not how you mean. He found out Danny wanted to fix things between us and just assumed that he and I were done. Like I could just toss Jack aside and go running back to my married life. Like the last three months never happened.” I frowned as I considered.
“I think he was trying to be noble or something.”
Jack had hurt me, but he’d hurt himself too. Walking away had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I’d needed to protect myself.
There was a part of me that thought Jack would realize I wasn’t going back to Danny. That with some time and perspective, he’d see the truth. My old life wasn’t packed up in a box somewhere just waiting for me to dig it out and open it up.
I was changed. Things were different now. I didn’t need to cling to the past because my present had been pretty damn good.
“Wow. He’s an idiot,” Mac decided.
I smiled, my tender heart agreeing and protesting at the same time.
“But you don’t want Danny back, right?”
Incredulous, I stared at Mac.
“I’m just making sure!” She held up her hands. “You were devastated, Bonnie. People go back to their undeserving exes all the time.”
I blinked. Maybe Jack’s assumption hadn’t been so unfounded if my sister thought I’d consider taking Danny back, too.
I wasn’t sure how to explain something that had lived inside me for so long. Another drawback to hiding your most vulnerable parts.
“I think Danny and I grew apart a long time ago,” I admitted.
“Or maybe I forced myself to grow around him. You know those trees you see with twisted roots and limbs, searching for any bit of sunlight they can get. I was like that. Turning myself inside out to be who I needed to be. But I deserve my own space. I deserve to live out from underneath someone else’s shadow. ”
Mac’s blue eyes welled with tears, but she nodded.
“I don’t want the life I had before,” I insisted.
“And, yes, I was devastated, but not anymore. Danny didn’t break my heart.
” I fought to find the right words. “He .
. . made me question everything I knew to be true.
Not just about my marriage or love, but about the way I thought I could hold it all together.
I was unhappy, lonely, and neglected, probably, too.
But I thought I was managing. Through the illusion of control, I thought I could will everything to be okay.
That I was stronger than something as flimsy and changeable as emotion. "
“But Jack,” I acknowledged, “he did the reverse. He denied himself—and me—in favor of control. I know he loves me. And he pushed me away despite that. Probably because he thinks I’m better off without him.
Some misguided attempt to save me. Mac, it was like he couldn’t believe that I would pick him, and that broke my heart. ”