One
Carter
I took her face into my hands, staring into her eyes as she looked up at me with those beautiful brown eyes.
This was the girl that never gave up on me.
This was the neighbour beauty that followed me to a creek to listen to me sing, and I was—
I was walking out of her life.
What a fool I am…
I sucked a breath, my eyes raw and aching. I couldn’t stop the tear from leaving my eye, couldn’t stop my heart from jumping out of its chest and falling at her feet.
“I don’t know if I’m making a mistake,” I whispered, being honest with myself for once. “And the problem is, if I am, I’ll probably be too late. You’ve always been wiser than me, Leah. More mature. I’m jealous of you for that. For always being so tough, and for always believing in me. I’m never going to forget that. You’re the only person that’s ever looked at me and saw worth. I’ll be thinking of you every minute I’m gone. I…” I felt a wave of emotion pass over me and stopped to take a few breaths.
“It’s okay,” she whispered.
I didn’t like when she did that: consoled me like my feelings mattered more. Because I knew what this was doing to her, too. I knew she was falling to pieces but putting on a brave face for me.
I nodded, understanding that this was going to be the hardest fucking thing I ever had to do.
When she began to pull back, I felt my heart quicken, felt the panic grip me. I stepped forward, bridging the gap, dropping my face to hers in a desperate attempt to relive our touch.
I knew I shouldn’t because maybe I was going to make things worse—
I kissed her, softly and slowly.
I wanted to remind her of our first kiss.
Wanted her to remember that for me, when I kissed her in that bedroom all those years ago, I wanted to take it slow; I wanted to savour her lips because I’d dreamt of kissing this mouth the moment I’d laid eyes on her.
And this felt fucked.
And wrong.
And why was I fucking doing this?
I didn’t know, but when I opened my eyes and stared into hers, I felt that tether between us tighten, like it was resisting the sever.
“I’ll see you,” I told her.
She flashed that smile at me, the one that was loaded with hurt. I’d come to know this smile well—
What was wrong with me?
Why couldn’t I have been normal for her?
Panicked, I took a step back, unable to look back at her anymore.
When I climbed into that van, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was running. Running from my past.
From Leah.
From my own fucking self.
second she was in my arms, the next we were driving away. It was a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I shut my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair, gripping the ends so hard, hoping to dispel the pain in my chest by feeling it elsewhere.
She had fought for us, and I—
I would never find someone like her again.
“What am I doing?” I whispered as the distance continued to grow between us. “What the fuck are you doing, Carter?”
While I fought to shield my heart from pain, she had given me hers, and I had crushed it.
And now she was going to slip through my fingers, and I was going to let her because—
I fucking deserved this.
*
I awoke in the night, the soft patter of rain on the roof, the fan on full force in the corner of the room. The stagnant breeze hit me as I lay still, my heart pulsing through my chest, the sweat trickling down my face.
I groaned, clutching at my chest, whispering, “Leah…”
I just needed to get up, get my legs to move, visit her in bed, maybe slide into it like I used to when she didn’t know. How many nights had I held her to me, feeling whole in the darkness?
I rolled to my side and slid out of bed, my legs heavy as my feet hit the cold floor. I knew something was wrong as I trudged out of the room, still dazed, intent on finding her—
She’s gone.
I went dead still, looking into the darkness but seeing nothing but the past flitting through my mind.
She’s gone.
I paced in circles, breaths ragged—
When I awoke like this in the night, when my head was still foggy and fucked, there was no logic to my maddening thoughts.
Anything was possible in those moments.
“I could go back,” I whispered. “I could turn back time…”
It felt plausible.
I could put my hand out and wind back time like I was winding back a clock. I could walk into this wall like a door and come out the other side and see her sitting on her porch, looking lonely.
“What would I tell her?” I wondered.
If I could go back, and she saw a stranger walking up to her, the man that would ultimately be the reason for her heartbreak—
What would I tell her?
Would I kneel before her like I was doing now in the darkness? Would I put my hand out for her to take, or would I ward her off and say, “Leave the neighbour boy alone. Stop following him. You deserve better, Leah. You’re a fucking ray of sunshine, and you’ve got the world at your feet, sweet girl. Don’t let the bad tear you apart. Don’t be like him, the neighbour boy, who’s still hiding from his demons like a coward. I’m a coward, Leah.”
Tears fell from my eyes as I continued to reach my hand out into the darkness of whatever place I was in right now. A place that wasn’t home, didn’t feel like home because she wasn’t here, and I—
“I miss you,” I whispered, choked up because time was passing.
How many weeks had gone by?
The silence was a misery of its own, and I was a quaking fucking mess, consumed with regret and remorse.
She was shutting me out.
I hadn’t heard a word from her, didn’t know what was happening in her corner of the world, and this was how it was supposed to be.
Wind back the clock…
If I could go back, it wouldn’t be as this man here before me now.
If I could go back, I would be that boy she wanted fiercely, and I—
I collapsed to the ground, burying my head into the floor, pretending for a second that she had taken the hand of that boy I used to be. That when she smiled at me, I smiled back, and I wasn’t scared.
I hummed through my pain, crawling back to my room, but not to my bed. I grabbed my notebook and pen from the nightstand. I sat with my back against the wall, using my teeth to tear the cap of the pen off and spitting it on the floor beside me.
I hummed a melody in my pain, hearing the words in my head—
“I miss you…” I sang softly. “I miss my soulmate…”
If I could express myself through my music, maybe she would hear the songs and know they’re about her, and us, and maybe…
Maybe she’d come back to me, or I’d go back to her, and this would all have been a mistake that we could fix.
Wishful thinking, I knew, as I sat there, drowning in a hope that I had squashed in her.
I had destroyed her.
You don't get to go back to the things you've ruined.
I didn't deserve her.
She was moving on right that very minute, and I…
Ultimately, I needed to do the same.