Ten
Leah
E veryone eventually broke off into separate conversations. I wasn’t part of any of them. Neither was Carter. He was still watching me in the most intense way, like he was stripping me bare right there on the spot. He used to look at me like this before, and those times usually resulted with my back on the ground somewhere, and him over top of me. I could see that heated simmer in his eyes. Glancing at him several times, I felt the heat of his gaze all the way down to my toes.
It was doing things to me.
Very bad things.
How dare he look at me like this. Like he was still my lover. Like he had permission to undress me before him and fuck me with his eyes while seated next to his model giraffe girlfriend with the elephant killing dad.
And how dare I want him to.
I needed air.
I excused myself, despite nobody batting me an eye besides Carter. I escaped to the balcony in the study room and took in a deep breath. Wrapping my arms around my body, I stared out into the empty streets. None of these people on this block knew a couple rock stars were kicking back in this very house.
Imagine the mayhem if they did.
I gripped the banister of the balcony and focused on calming myself down. My body was jittery and out of sorts, and my spine tingled as I felt his presence behind me.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect this. It was against Melanie’s wishes to be alone with him, but I had to do it. Part of me had hoped he’d seek me out, and I knew it was best to get whatever tension there was between us out of the way in privacy.
“Three years did you well,” he suddenly said, breaking the silence.
My heart skipped a beat at hearing his voice.
I turned around slowly and watched Carter step out into the balcony. Standing still, he glanced at me from top to bottom and remarked softly, “You’re fucking beautiful, Leah.”
I didn’t respond.
I chewed the inside of my lip instead, wondering where that compliment came from. His eyes glanced down at my mouth, and something stirred there in their depths.
“What’s the matter?” he then asked with a cocky smile. “You look a little speechless. Are you fan-girling over me?”
I frowned, not at all impressed by his humour. “You glared at me in there, barely said a word to me, and now you’re telling me I’m beautiful.”
“I was shocked.”
“Shocked?”
“Yeah, completely shocked.”
“By what?”
“By you. I felt my insides pinching just staring at you for the first time in three miserable years.”
My cheeks reddened, and he knew it too, glimpsing about my face with a ghost of a smile.
“Your insides were pinching?” I sceptically asked, suppressing a smile.
He moved closer to me, and he watched as my eyes widened. I didn’t want him near me, and despite knowing this, he kept moving.
“Yeah,” he acknowledged, softly. “They were pinching.”
“How poetic.”
He smirked. “I’m a singer. Poetry is in my veins, Angel.”
Angel.
I stiffened, and for a fleeting second, he appeared regretful using that name. It was almost like we’d been thrown back into the past. It was a sad thought. As if realizing he’d overstepped his boundaries, he turned to the balcony and stared out into the night, guzzling down some more of his beer. All the while I watched him, taking in the subtle differences, wondering why it felt like I was staring at him for the first time.
“You never got back to me,” he then remarked absently, keeping his emotions hidden.
I fidgeted. “I know.”
“I think I sent you four letters in one year, and I got nothing every time.”
“I know.” I repeated, nervously.
He shot me a bewildered look. “Why?”
I tilted my head to the side, letting him see the defeat in my eyes as I responded, “You know why.”
I didn’t have it in me to respond to those letters.
It wouldn’t be moving on if I kept a line of communication open.
There was only so much my bleeding heart could take at the time.
“Did you even read any of them?” he wondered.
It took me a few moments to muster the courage and weakly say, “No.”
He blinked several times at me in surprise, and then he said in a harder tone, “Well, if you haven’t read them by now, then just don’t.”
He looked back out into the night, and I let out a breath I’d been holding. “I wasn’t ignoring you maliciously,” I tried to explain. “I just—I wanted to read them when I was in a better place.”
“And you still haven’t.”
“No.”
“So you’re not in a better place.”
The day I’d be in a better place just kept getting further and further out of reach, it seemed. Pain never faded; you just found ways to distract yourself so you couldn’t feel it as much.
“I’m in a… different place,” I eventually said.
He frowned at that, and while it seemed like a vague response, I felt he understood what I meant; that you had to make do with the cards you’ve been dealt with.
“You been with anyone since I left?” he abruptly asked, not even blinking in my direction.
I hesitated, and he turned to me then, studying my reaction thoroughly. His face looked void of emotion. “Right,” he muttered, swallowing another mouthful. “Of course you have.”
“Carter—”
“Are you in a relationship now?”
My heart slammed in my chest, and for a split second, I wondered about telling the truth.
But then I might look vulnerable.
He would have all the control if he knew I was split wide open, and I didn’t know what he might do, especially staring at me the way he was.
“Yes,” I lied.
I needed to prove I was alright. For some reason, I wanted him to think I’d moved on, especially after seeing his girlfriend. I wanted it to be clear—to myself even—that I would never fall prey to his charms again.
He stilled, like it wasn’t at all what he’d expected to hear.
“What’s his name?” he then asked.
I took a moment before answering and thought of my last failed relationship. “Cole.”
His face twisted up. “How’d you meet?”
“School.”
Another strange look. “Did he study accounting like you?”
“Engineering.”
“Engineering.” he let out a low whistle. “Nicely done, Leah. How long have you been with him?”
Stick to what you know. “Five months.”
Carter suddenly pushed off the balcony and stepped closer to me, a questionable look in his eye. “Is he good to you?”
I swallowed hard, eyeing his proximity warily. “Yes.”
“Funny?”
I paused. “He… can be.”
“Does he make you feel things?”
“Like what?”
“You know what.”
My lips trembled. “Yeah,” I whispered, uncertainly.
Lies, all lies .
“Don’t sound convincing, or anything,” he sarcastically replied.
“Carter—”
“How about the way he makes you feel”—he took another step closer— “ physically .”
I took a step back in surprise, the heat in my body was roaring now I could smell the scent of him drifting to me. He came even closer to me then, until his front was almost near to touching mine. My breath quickened. He was influencing my body like so many times before, working the strings, driving out my feelings I’d done so well to bottle up. I trembled as he leaned his face to mine.
“Is he… better?” His voice was low, serious.
I didn’t respond.
“Come on,” he pressed, until his face was mere inches from mine. “I wanna know, Leah. I have to know you’re being taken care of. Does he do you good? Touch you in the right places? Make it rough enough for you? Does he make you tremble right before you come, make you cry out right before it hits you hard?”
I kept from responding, but my mouth had dropped halfway. Holy fucking shit. Talk about cutting straight to the point, but that had always been what Carter was like.
He smirked just then, like he was satisfied by my silence. “Yeah, I kinda figured he had nothing on me. Nobody knows your body like I do.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Still cocky.”
“Always.”
“Well, don’t run away with your ego just yet. I don’t talk about that part of my life.”
“Why?”
“It’s private.”
“Private?” he sneered. “That’s bullshit.”
“Why is it bullshit?”
“Because I know if the situation was reversed, you’d be asking me the same question, and you’d feel entitled to know the answer too. But now I’d say it’s fairly obvious what the answer is, huh?”
My brows pinched together. “Why are we talking about this?”
“Because a part of you wants to know.”
“Know what exactly?”
“If I’ve moved on.”
I let out a sharp breath. He was right, of course. “Don’t insult my intelligence, Carter.”
“How am I doing that?”
“Because clearly you have.”
“Is that right?”
I looked wearily at him.
He was always so hard to read; a closed book you couldn’t judge the cover of.
“What do you see in her exactly?” I suddenly wondered, referring to Molly. “She’s dense, and I don’t mean that rudely, or anything. She’s gorgeous, I get it. But she seems genuinely dense.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, Leah, she is.”
“And you don’t care?”
“Girls like her are fun.”
“Fun?”
“Nothing serious.”
I frowned just thinking about it. “Still not one to commit, huh?”
That seemed to darken his mood immediately, and rightfully so. I’d just poked the nest with that remark, but so had he by questioning my sex life.
He cast me a bitter look, his nose flaring as he retorted, “At least this way they don’t fuck with me like…”
“Like me,” I finished, nodding.
A few minutes in and we were already cutting each other up.
How joyful was this reunion?
He went still, most likely thinking the same thing, and slowly the wall he’d so expertly put up went down. “That came out wrong,” he muttered, apologetically. “I’m sorry, Leah. I haven’t seen you in three years, and what do I do? I come back acting like a fucking douchebag, like before. It’s like I can’t fucking help myself.”
Dammit.
“You’re not a douchebag,” I softly replied. “You’re entitled to your… fun . That’s what made us different in the end.”
“Fun,” he whispered back, thoughtfully. “Is that what you think our time together was to me?”
Wasn’t it?
I didn’t answer.
He drank some more beer down, a frown firmly planted on his face. This was my best friend at one point, I reminded myself. While I knew I’d never want more with him again, I couldn’t take upsetting him.
Truth was, I missed him.
“I hear your music from time to time,” I then said with a hopeful smile. I needed to make things better and judging by how relaxed he suddenly got by those words, I figured I was on the right track. “You’re wonderful. I love what you boys put out. I don’t think I can turn the radio on without hearing one of your songs.”
“It’s still crazy for me, too,” he said, smiling softly at me.
“And the videos!”
He cringed. “Oh, fuck, don’t get me started on the videos.”
I laughed. “As if I wouldn’t. They’re awesome. Your latest one with you singing in that café to that girl—”
“Stop,” he cut in, looking adorably embarrassed.
“Why?” I was tempted to poke him in the ribs if I wasn’t so scared of touching him. “You looked like you had some serious chemistry with that girl.”
“Probably because I imagined she was you.”
I balked. My insides literally seized as I tried to act casual. “Sure, you did.”
“Why do you think she looked like you so much?”
“She didn’t.”
He bit his bottom lip, resisting a grin. “Leah, she did.”
He was being serious, and I thought back at the video. I could only vaguely remember the girl because I’d been more focused on staring at him. If it was true… well, I didn’t know what to say either way.
Why was he even telling me this?
“Well, it was a very good song,” I told him. “I can see why you guys are huge.”
“I miss the quiet,” he murmured. “I didn’t expect us to hit it off so fast. I thought it’d be gradual. The record label rushed us along with the first album. I had some other stuff in my head I wanted to put down, but they weren’t interested.”
“Why weren’t they interested?”
“Because we were still hot off those videos.”
“Oh.”
“And now they’re trying to get us to push out another record. My brain’s dead.” He shook his head. “I can’t think.”
My brows furrowed. I stepped closer to him and thought about resting a friendly hand on his arm, but I resisted. “You need some inspiration.”
He turned his head to me, his blue eyes taking me in ravenously. “ You were my inspiration,” he whispered. “I don’t think there’s a song on there that didn’t come from us, but you know that already, don’t you?”
My body heated, and I forced a nod. “Yeah.”
I’d read every lyric of every song of his, and I was able to connect the moments behind them without even thinking.
“I don’t hear words anymore, Leah,” he continued. “Not the way I did with you.”
I froze as he brought his hand up to me. His finger slowly slid down the side of my face, and the touch stirred something within me I hadn’t felt in an eternity. Carter looked at me desperately, and I blinked away the ache behind my eyes.
“Maybe…” Maybe what? Christ, I didn’t know. “Maybe…Molly will help you out with that now.”
Yes, remind yourself he’s with another girl. A lovely, dense, two-dimensional doll that’s famous for being famous.
He rolled his eyes, a fleeting look of irritation passing them. “I’m not in a relationship with Molly. What we had was over before it even began. I tried with her. I thought she was bright at first, but the more I got to know her, the more I realized the light may have been on, but nothing was really going on up there. Her mind’s an empty fucking place, filled with Prada bags and pumps.”
“So why is she here?”
“You should ask her. I think it’s a publicity thing because I’m currently red-hot and the label’s loving it. She’ll find some other sucker to stalk. At the moment, though, wherever Alyssa goes, she follows, and she loves the attention. Loves the paparazzi taking photos of us next to each other, so they could go and report their false bullshit. I don’t think I’ve touched her in over four months, when I first started to get to know her—and that was only a brief fling that resulted in her having a mental breakdown because I had to start touring—I’d been with her no more than a couple weeks. Even then, it was light stuff. My heart wasn’t in it.”
I was confused. “But the magazines—”
“Lies, just lies. Never believe a word of them. They’ll do what they can to make a story out of you. One minute they’re on your side, and the next they’re dishing dirt against you.”
He looked at me closely then, a thoughtful smile on his face as he added, “I never took you to be a media slut.”
I shook my head adamantly. “I’m not! I don’t go on those sites or anything.”
Such. A. Liar.
He chuckled, seeing right through me. “You stalk me online, Angel?”
“No!” I looked insulted, like doing that was beneath me, even though it totally wasn’t. “You can live under a rock and still hear things about you, Carter.”
“I guess,” he said softly. “Anyway, Molly’s not going to stick around tonight. She’s got a photoshoot in the morning, or some shit. Her ride’s kicking around. She’ll be gone soon.”
“That’s good.”
He smiled again at my happy remark, and I sighed and added, “I mean, it’s good that she won’t be bothering you.”
“Right,” he muttered.
We stared at one another for a few moments. He pulled me apart with just one look. My body was frightfully aware of him, so completely sensitive to his every move and look. I hadn’t felt this way in… well, over three years.
I didn’t like it, and it needed to stop.
“We should get back—”
“Don’t try and leave,” he then breathed out, cutting me straight off. “I know you want to, but don’t run away.”
“I’m not,” I lied, again .
Looking suddenly conflicted, he said, “I—I missed you.”
I nodded, unsure of why he was looking the way he was. “I missed you too.”
“No.” He shook his head, swallowing hard. “No, Leah, you don’t understand. I…I fucked up. Badly. I let things happen before. I let you slip away from me. I fucked up. I’ve been wanting to come and tell you that for so long now, but every time I try, someone’s stopping me. That’s why I sent the letters. I fucked up, badly.”
I froze as he raised his hand again. He studied me closely, and his hand shook before falling back to his side. He suddenly looked all wrong. Like he was panicky and anxious. This entire conversation was taking a turn I wasn’t ready for. If he was saying what I think he was—
No, no. That wasn’t what I wanted.
“Carter,” I began, “it’s okay—”
“It didn’t take me long to realize how much I’d fucked up,” he went on. “Losing you woke me up, and… I’ve been so fucking lonely, Leah. It’s been a bad kind of lonely. I miss you. I miss us .” With another shuddering breath, he neared me again as he said, “I want more.”
Heart fail.
I wasn’t sure how to emotionally grasp what he was saying. All this time I was getting over him, and all this time he was… what? Realizing that he wanted more when it was already too late?
That didn’t make sense to me. In fact, that reminded me of the day he went into my room and told me he wanted to be with me , and look how that turned out.
Taking a step away from him, I said, “I think you’re just excited to see me, not that I blame you.”
His lips didn’t flinch at my cheap humour.
I sighed. “Carter, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I know exactly what I’m saying.”
I shook my head. “You’re deluded.”
Now he was offended. “I’m deluded?”
“Yes!”
“Why?”
“Because you’re telling me you want more!”
“So?”
“So we’ve been talking for, like, ten minutes and you’ve just sprung it on me! It’s out of nowhere .”
“I didn’t mean to spring it on you, but every second after this moment would have been wasted if I kept quiet. I don’t want to let another day go by.”
“You’ve allowed three years of zero communication to go by.”
His nostrils flared as he retorted, “Don’t start with that. I tried to talk to you. You changed your number, you moved out of this house, and you never answered my letters. My schedule was beyond hectic. I couldn’t get away, and when I wanted to, I figured your silence was a way to shut me out.”
“You’re right,” I agreed heartily. “It was to shut you out. I told you I wanted us to see each other again when we’ve moved on—”
“We’re never going to move on!” he cut in, steadfastly. “I know you want me. I can see it now. Nothing’s changed. You’re lying to yourself.”
I’m lying to myself?
Fuck this shit.
I wished I could turn these emotions off. I hated that he could see through me better than I could! I balled my hands into fists, digging my nails into the skin as my anger tore through me. I blinked back tears as I told him, “You can’t just come here after three years and offer more, Carter. That’s not how it works. You’re too late.”
“I’m too late,” he repeated back to me, shocked.
“Yes,” I answered firmly. “You’re too late.”
He tensed his jaw and shut his eyes for a long moment. I knew what he was doing. He was retreating. He’d just opened up and I knocked him down straight away. It hurt to do that. I almost wanted to take the words back just to save him from feeling pained, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to fall for him all over again.
I resisted.
He opened his eyes and took in a deep breath. Without batting me another eye, he suddenly looked into the study room, his brows pinching together in anger. I followed his gaze and saw Rome standing there, watching the scene unfold for who knows how long. Why the hell was he eavesdropping? He didn’t look at me once. His eyes pierced through Carter’s head, and he looked pissed.
Some unspoken communication passed between them, and by then I realized I was calling it a night. I slipped into the room, and went to walk past Rome, when he lightly grabbed me by the arm.
“Don’t leave,” he told me quietly. “Stay the night. I promise I’ll keep Carter away from you. I just know how much Marlena misses you, and she’s doing up a big breakfast in the morning—”
“I know already,” I cut in, hardly hearing my own voice. “I’m not leaving.”
“Leah—”
“Just let me go,” I pleaded, fighting back the lump in my throat.
When he let go of me, I left the room. I looked at Carter over my shoulder just as I stepped out. He was gripping the balcony banister with his hands, his head down, his hair over his forehead.
He looked broken.