Twenty-Four
Leah
O verwhelmed, I opened the apartment door and stepped inside. Carter and Rome followed after me. I threw the keys down on the counter just as Melanie stepped out of her room in nothing but her pyjamas.
“Hey hooker, you gonna tell me where the hell you’ve been—” Her words immediately died when she spotted the boys. Staring a beat longer at Rome, she forced her gaze away. “What’s going on?” she asked me solemnly.
“Nothing good,” I muttered.
“They got ambushed outside their motel room,” Rome told her, stiffly, avoiding her eye. “I had to come to the rescue.”
“Motel room?” Mel repeated in surprise, her eyes burning into my head. “Please tell me you didn’t do what I think you did with Carter.”
“I’m right here, you know,” Carter cut in icily.
She pointed at him and angrily retorted, “Yeah, you’re right here, and that’s the problem. Three years she’s been trying to get over you, Carter! Why couldn’t you stay away like you promised you would?”
“Melanie,” I said on a sigh, “not now.”
“I should punch him, Leah!”
“Please,” I begged. “I’m too tired. Let’s not go there.”
She forced her mouth shut but glared at him while shaking her head. I didn’t want her to hate him—this was my fault.
“So, what should I do now?” I asked Rome in defeat. “If they’re going to smear my name all over the media, what should I do in the meantime?”
“Like I said, lay low,” Rome replied, avoiding Melanie. “Don’t go out.”
“I’ve got a job.”
“Not anymore.”
I looked at him in disbelief. “And how am I going to survive, Rome? I need a job—”
“We’ll give you some money to tide you over,” Carter interrupted, staring down at the floor with an empty expression. He looked just as exhausted as me, wearing the same wrinkled clothes, hair tousled messily over his forehead.
“I don’t want your money, Carter—”
“I don’t care, Leah,” he retorted, edgily. “This isn’t the time to think about your pride. I won’t fucking throw a suitcase of cash in front of you. I’ll give you enough to tide you over, until the heat dies down and you find a different job. Or, hell, keep the job at that dollar store if you can convince your dick of a boss to wait a while for your return.”
I frowned, knowing he was right.
“Point is, you don’t have much of an option,” Rome explained. “We’re big, you know? We’re used to being followed. You’re not, and I worry about your safety if people start really hating on you for what they’re going to suspect is an affair.”
“An affair,” I repeated, astounded.
“That’s how they’ll interpret it.”
“He wasn’t even with Molly,” I argued.
Rome just heaved a shrug. “That’s not the tale they’ll spin. They don’t care, Leah. They love the drama—they’ll twist it as a way to get inside your head. Then you’ll want to talk and set things straight—that’s what they want.”
I shook my head. “I will never talk to them.”
“Then do what we say and stay inside. When they don’t get what they want, they’ll move on. It’ll die down eventually.” Rome paused, considering what he was saying now before adding, “I’d invite you out with us just to avoid this.”
“To LA?”
“Yeah.”
“What am I going to do in LA, Rome?”
“Stay with us and…be with him .” He gestured to Carter and I froze.
Carter didn’t blink in my direction, but he stiffened.
I felt Melanie’s stare, felt Rome’s too—but Carter was avoiding me altogether. He looked away from me, like he didn’t want me to see his face. I watched him, feeling conflicted and panicked because…
I’m not ready.
The silence stretched on for a few moments, until Carter sighed and turned to Rome. “She’s got a life here, man. What we did was a mistake.”
I knew he didn’t believe that.
“A mistake?” Melanie sneered, snidely adding, “Does Leah know that, Carter? Or is this just you living by your own terms again?”
Carter glared at her. “Actually, cupcake, I’m the one that got shut down this time. But thanks for your assumption. It makes someone who’s trying hard to change feel like a sack of fucking shit.”
Melanie’s surprised face turned in my direction. She raised her brows, silently asking me what the fuck happened. I just shook my head at her. Now was not the time to communicate silently. She would have to wait.
“Ideally, we’ll want to have someone look after you,” Rome explained. “A bodyguard for a short amount of time, just in case there are some crazies out there, you know? I’d advise you against going out at all—”
“So you want her to be a hermit,” Melanie interrupted, crossing her arms.
“For her safety, yeah,” he told her in a hard voice, finally looking at her with a dark expression.
Melanie stared back, unperturbed. “People have been chased around after these situations all the time, and they don’t need bodyguards.”
“Well, thank you for your expert opinion, Melanie, on a matter you know absolutely fuck-all about.”
“I’m just saying, not every celebrity has a security team—”
“Of course not every one of them does, but then how would you even know? The whole point of a security team is to be as inconspicuous as possible. They’re not dressed in rainbow fucking outfits—”
“I know they’re not, asshole! I’m just saying she might be fine without it.”
“She might not be! Clearly you haven’t noticed, but Carter’s kind of a sex symbol to the female fucking race, and there are some unhinged people in that crowd, Mel—”
“Alright!” I shouted, raising my hand out to them. Here I thought Carter and I were bad—we had nothing on Rome and Mel. “Calm your tits, guys! If you want me to have a goddamn bodyguard until this shit dies down, then fine. I’ll do it, okay? I’m not arguing.”
“Thank you,” Rome said, looking a bit smug as he stared at Melanie.
She looked like she wanted to tear his head off. “Well, is it okay if I went anywhere? I have a lunch date with a special someone and I don’t want to miss out. I’m a third party in this situation, so I shouldn’t be some kind of target, right?”
I nearly rolled my eyes right there and then. The audacity in this girl! She was having lunch with her sister , and judging by the way Rome’s eyes narrowed, he was completely unaware.
“You should be fine,” he said stiffly.
“Great. This was an excellent reunion guys, but I gotta get ready.” She disappeared into her room without even looking back at Rome. She did it in such a cold way, I was impressed by her ability to hide her pain.
Rome stared in the direction she left, his shoulders tensing as the seconds passed. She’d gotten inside his head, and he was practically twitching.
Here these guys were, larger than life, famous and oozing with riches, and Melanie didn’t give a single shit.
She wanted to be chased, and Rome, in all his silent fury, didn’t last five seconds.
“Just give me a minute,” he muttered to us, hurrying after her.
Silence swiftly settled in, and I suddenly wished the bickering idiots were back at it again because this—the heaviness, the tension—was hard.
I watched Carter wearily, waiting for him to speak. He glimpsed at me, his emotions concealed, before moving into the kitchen to rest his elbows on the counter.
Exhaling, he ran both hands through his hair. Then he looked up at me; that face turning more solemn as the seconds passed.
“Carter,” I said softly, on a shrug. “I don’t—I don’t want us to hate each other.”
“I don’t hate you,” he then said, quietly.
I didn’t know what to say to fill the space.
How could I fix this?
Could I regain my friend and not my lover?
Was that still not possible?
I couldn’t turn away from his eyes, either. He stared right into me; into the deepest, darkest corners of me. I wondered if he saw the panic, the sadness, and the walls I’d fortified, warding anyone from my heart.
“So you’re sure, then?” he asked in a whisper. “I just… I need to know you didn’t say what you did because of the situation we were in.”
Was I sure?
I hesitated, clearing the frog from my throat because—
I was still hurting.
“I’m sure,” I answered in a tiny voice.
He let out a deep breath. “You’re sure.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head at the apology. “Don’t be. I’m just… I’m still trying to figure out what went wrong.”
“It’s nothing you did.”
“I know that.” He continued looking at me, the heat in his eyes apparent. “I know that completely. Because I’ve done nothing since the moment I saw you but try and win you back. I want to keep fighting. I’d happily stay right here for the next thousand years doing that, but…I keep thinking I’ll just end up pushing you away, and I…I don’t want that, Leah.”
I felt like I’d swallowed a golf ball.
Shit.
“I had you,” he added now, his voice laced with sadness. “I had you last night, in my arms, and I thought—I felt like you were finally mine.”
I blinked back tears, but I was struggling, and I couldn’t speak. My voice had left me, leaving me quivering in the wake of his words as they ruptured that wall within me.
“I’m foolish,” he continued, talking to himself now as he looked down at the counter with a faraway look. “I did this to myself…but you…you could have stopped me, couldn’t you?”
My lips trembled. “I tried to.”
“Doesn’t that show you there’s…more between us, Leah?”
“It’s not easy.”
His nose flared as he looked back at me, that edge returning. “You want me. I know it.”
“I don’t have a heart anymore, Carter—”
“Bullshit,” he cut in, but it wasn’t harsh. “It’s there, I felt it when I fucked you, Leah. I felt it explode along with mine—”
“Carter, stop,” I begged now. “Please.”
His eyes turned dark, the expression he was now giving me filled with hurt and anger. “So, what now then?” he pressed. “You’re going to go back to your life and forget all about the last two days, right? And I’ve been banned. I’m back to being on the outs. Back to being ignored. Did I even exist to you once over the last three years? Was I a fucking thought in your head every once in a while, Leah?”
I frowned. “Of course you were.”
He scoffed, turning against himself now as the pain morphed to anger. “You know, once upon a time, you depreciated me into your roommate. Now, I’d rather have that status than being an invisible person in your life.”
“You’re not going to be invisible. You’ve never been invisible!” I said, loudly, feeling my frustrations rise along with him. “You don’t know what it’s been like having to see you all over the goddamn television, all over the goddamn internet—”
“I’d rather that than be tossed into a fucking box, ignored for three years, without even the shred of decency to read my fucking letters!” he growled, and oh, those words were filled with so much angst. “On this end, Leah, nobody gave me one single update about you! Everybody put me on a guilt trip, and I felt like shit for it. I didn’t know what you even looked like before a few days ago. I had the Leah from three years ago feasting on my brain, taking over every part of me. But you have it worse, apparently, right?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Fuck that. You don’t know worse. You don’t know regret like I do, and I felt it every single day being away from you!”
When I didn’t respond, he moved to me slowly, his face hard as he added, “But not this time, Leah. This time you’re going to be the one feeling it. Every day you’re going to deny what your heart wants, and you’re going to be the one to suffer.”
I turned away from him and stared numbly at a spot on the wall. “You’re going away, and I’m right here,” I whispered to him, although it felt like I was talking to myself. “Everything will be like it was before.”
“No, it fucking won’t. Not for me . Not for you. ”
He walked past me, escaping to the balcony.
He didn’t return.
When Rome did, I could tell he’d heard our entire conversation.
“You okay?” he said, concernedly.
I didn’t respond.
“I warned him,” he then said, stepping close to me. “I warned him you wouldn’t be ready. He was just scared you’d move on if he didn’t try. I know him now. I know the way his brain works.”
“You sound very close to him.”
“I am.” He paused, studying me as he carefully said, “Carter built shields growing up. He did it to protect himself from getting hurt again.”
Again.
“I’m glad he opened up to you.” I meant it, even though I had longed for the same thing once.
“Doesn’t it matter that he’s come so far?”
Of course it mattered. “I feel scorned, Rome, like…like I can’t take that step.”
“You’re not ready.”
I definitely was not.
“Leah, he has changed,” he stressed now. “He isn’t loose with the women. He’s lonely, and he’s tired, and he pined for you every single day.”
I shrugged, looking down at the floor. I couldn’t handle this. “I don’t want him to be hurting, or to be lonely—”
“Do you know how many nights I caught him wandering around, whispering, damning himself for letting you go, for not being able to change his past? I can't count the amount of times he muttered about turning back time.”
My eyes shut, and I felt the pressure behind them build.
I really didn’t want to hear this.
Didn’t he—or anybody—understand the toll a heartbreak had on a once hopeful soul?
“Just let me know anything else I have to do while I’m trapped in here,” I forced out brokenly.
He sighed at my dismissal, went quiet for several minutes, and then he moved on. He talked me through what to expect, how difficult my life might be the next few weeks, and all the while he spoke, I stared at Carter’s frame on the balcony.
He stood there, his back to me, staring down at the streets below.
His soul was calling out to me—
I wasn’t answering.
My heart shut itself away.
When the boys eventually left, Carter didn’t say another word to me. Didn’t even look at me.
I saw him one more time before his plane crash.