Thirty-Six
Leah
I cooked us pasta that evening, trying to ignore the way my heart thumped wildly every time he drew near. We caught each other’s eye often, but we said nothing. That same awkwardness returned, and it felt like a heavy cloud.
I just wanted things to be the way they used to be.
We ate at the table in front of the unlit fireplace, and I stared dreamily at it, muttering, “This place must be a dream in the winter.”
He followed my gaze, nodding absently. “I’m going to buy it, and we can come back in the winter.”
I was speechless, heart warming at the certainty in his words.
We.
He was viewing us like we were a couple.
I cleared my throat, burying my face in the pasta. I swallowed back the lump in my throat, delighted when he demolished his bowl and went for another serving.
When we finished, I had to shoo him out of the kitchen. “I can handle the clean-up,” I assured him. “You go do something productive with your one good arm.”
I heard his faint chuckle as he left the kitchen, and I bit my lip to stop from laughing. The clean up took a little longer because there was no dishwasher, so I washed it all by hand and wiped it dry. I had to find my way around the tiny kitchen, figuring out where everything went. I was just about done when I heard the faint strum of a guitar.
I quietly followed the sound to the living room, stilling at the threshold. Carter was on the armchair, an old guitar he’d packed in his lap. He wasn’t strumming seriously. It was a faint melody, and he had to pause every so often because I think he felt pain in his broken arm.
Still.
He strummed it, gaze directed out the window, but I knew he wasn’t looking out. Not really. He was back inside his head, lost to the thoughts that swirled around him.
“Regret’s a life sentence, isn’t it?” he whispered just then, knowing I was there watching him.
“Yeah,” I whispered back, blinking back tears.
He exhaled. “We got any beer in that pantry?”
We did.
I returned a minute later and gave him a bottle while I nursed mine on the armchair adjacent to him. I watched him strum away at the guitar in the dimly lit room as the darkness fell outside. He sang softly, and I shut my eyes, savouring his voice, unable to resist the goosebumps that prickled my skin.
God, his voice…
When I opened my eyes, he was staring right at me.
His expression was heavy, loaded with emotion. My body tightened as we watched each other in silence. It was like…we were trying to find each other again. Trying to remember what it was like when it was just the two of us.
Carter broke away first, returning to his guitar, singing a song I’d never heard before.
The bed was clean and ready by the time we fell into it that night. I’d showered and changed into a nightgown before sliding under the covers. Carter disappeared into the bathroom for his shower, and when he came out, he crashed into bed next to me. We lay there for a while in the dark before my hand wandered the mattress, searching for his.
When he felt my touch, he turned his palm around and let me hold his hand.
Good.
This was…good.
Just before I fell asleep, I thought about him singing on that chair this evening.
“That guitar,” I whispered sleepily, on the verge of passing out. “It’s the one you played with when we were kids, wasn’t it?”
His voice was small. “It is.”
*
When I woke up the next morning, Carter was gone.
I didn’t know when he’d gotten up, but by the time I’d left the bedroom to make myself coffee, he’d just entered the cottage, shirtless and sweaty, his chest heaving up and down. His shorts were flattering on him, his ass looked solid, his legs thick and corded with muscle.
I spun around to look him over, feeling like such a woman because… wow . “You went for a run?”
He smirked when he caught my trapped gaze on his broad chest. “I needed to relieve some steam.”
I’ll relieve your steam, I thought, and when I heard his light chuckle, I realized my thoughts must have been written all over my face. My cheeks flushed as I smiled shyly at him. Me, shy, again! What was happening to me?
“Now you won’t be up for another walk after,” I protested.
“Fuck that, we’ll go for another walk.”
“Good.” I gestured to the coffee machine. “You want some caffeine?”
“Nah, I need to hit the shower.”
“Okay.”
“We’ll head out right after breakfast.”
“Sure.”
“And Leah?”
I glanced at him over my shoulder. “Yeah?”
He stared at me for a beat longer. “Wear another dress.”
Then he was gone, humming another tune under his breath I hadn’t heard before. Whatever was up with Carter today, I hoped it kept going.
I smiled into my mug as his hums turned to lyrics that made my chest constrict.
Love.
He was singing about love.
*
We walked a little further than yesterday, and we went in a different direction. Our silence wasn’t as uncomfortable as yesterday, but the tension? Wow, there was a lot of that, especially when I felt Carter’s eyes on me, trailing my form.
My summer dress, white and strapless, was shorter than the last one I wore. It showed a lot of leg. I caught Carter ogling them, and the hottest part of that was he didn’t try hiding it.
“See something you like?” I cheekily asked, though it took a lot of courage to force those words out.
Carter didn’t skip a beat. “Yeah, Leah, I do.”
Moments like these, where we smiled at each other in that dazed sort of way, we forget the damage we’d inflicted on one another.
We were slowly—very slowly—making progress.
Having barely slept, my stamina was bad today. “I need another break,” I told him.
“We’ve barely been walking an hour.”
“It’s hot, Carter.”
We came to a stop in the tall grass just at the top of a rolling hill. I took a few breaths, feeling parched because I’d forgot the damn water. I wasn’t going to complain about it, Carter would have a field day with that, so I stood still, feeling uncomfortably thirsty.
“You think we’re getting along?” I wondered, trying to get my mind off my thirst.
He smirked at me. “I think we’re getting there, Angel.”
“Why…” I squeezed my dress, feeling nerves. “Why has this felt different to last time?”
He looked thoughtful, taking a moment to answer. “Because we’ve changed.”
“You’re not the hothead from before?” I teased.
“I’m not…” He paused, that smirk gone now. “I’m done pretending.”
My breaths slowed as I studied him, understanding what he meant.
Carter was older, wiser, but…there was more to it than that. He wasn’t hiding, not from me—not from himself. We stared at one another for some time, that gentle breeze providing the faintest respite from the heat, but…my heart was beating in my ears because every time he looked at me, I felt bare to him.
“Here,” he said suddenly, pulling out a bottle of water from the knapsack he had taken along. I’d been so consumed by him, I hadn’t stopped to consider he’d brought anything along.
“Thank you,” I said, gratefully, taking the bottle from his hand. “I didn’t even consider bringing water along.”
His smile was faint as I unscrewed the cap and gulped the water down. I was in such a mad rush, it spilled out of the corner of my lips and ran down my throat in streams. I felt it run between my breasts, pooling in my bra. Shit. I laughed, feeling like a ditz as I quickly screwed it back up. “I’m such an idiot,” I said, grinning as I handed the bottle back to Carter. “If you want to finish that off, now’s your chance.”
But Carter wasn’t laughing.
He wasn’t smiling, either.
The bottle was held limply in his hand as he stared at the water lines running down my neck and to my cleavage. When his eyes connected with mine, I went tense at the heated, feral look of him.
“What?” I whispered, but it didn’t come out as a question. I already knew what.
The word left my mouth just as he stepped forward, and I braced myself—
He dropped the bottle and smashed his lips against mine. His hand came around my head, his fingers grabbing at a chunk of my hair as he tilted my head up and slipped his tongue between my lips.
My hands gripped his shirt to me, squeezing for dear life as he kissed me with so much passion and need, I could do nothing but try and keep up.
He didn’t speak, but his hands did all the talking. They roamed all over my body, one squeezed at my ass while the other cupped my breast through the wet fabric of my dress. My body flooded with desire as I moaned in his mouth, and that was it—that moan was his undoing.
His hands wrapped around my thighs and then he picked me up. I gasped in his mouth as his fingers dug into my skin, and before I knew it, my back was flat against the hot earth and he was over top of me, kissing me hungrily, running his fingers up my legs. My legs quaked under my dress, bolts of surprised pleasure shooting through me as he skimmed his fingers over my wet core.
Oh, my God.
“Fuck,” he growled as he gripped my panties and shoved them down my legs. He threw them somewhere nearby and then he pulled back to look down at me. His hair brushed against my forehead as he stared at me. I stared back, breathing heavily as I saw his need exploding out of him like he could no longer contain himself. Up until then, I didn’t think he was holding so much of it in. I tried to kiss him, but he held back every time, until I only got to feel the faintest brush of his lips.
“No,” he snapped at me as I tried to kiss him again. “You kiss me when I say you can.”
I stilled, shocked by his demand. “What are you doing, Carter?”
“I’m taking what I fucking want,” he retorted, burning me with that feral look in his eye.
I realized what he meant just then.
He was not going to wait a second longer; he would claim me, and I would not run this time.
My face shifted, and before I knew it, I was glaring at him. “I never got to do the same.”
He gritted his teeth, fuming at my words, but he was still intent on taking me. I brushed my hand between his legs, running my fingers along his hard length, giving him a knowing look. A look that read: You’re not running either.
He barked out a harsh laugh and undid his jeans. He slid them down his legs, followed by his briefs, and then here we were, on the ground, in the middle of a field, and he was about to fuck me.
His touch was hard, his gaze rough as he demanded, “I want you to fuck me just as hard, Leah. I want to feel your need, you understand? Show me how badly you want me.”
I paused, and it felt like the world fell away as I peered at him, seeing past his angry facade, and to that vulnerable man within.
He had come undone.
I saw his eyes redden as he waited for my cue, and I nodded, letting him know that yes, I would do the same. I would fuck him how I’d always wanted to: with my walls down, with my heart burst open for his taking, with my soul ready to feel the carnage and beauty of our love.
Carter slid into me in one powerful stroke. I felt him buried deep, and I sucked a breath in surprise because, oh, it had been too long, so long, I was tired of how long it was between the fucks and the goodbyes.
I gripped him to me, my fingers digging into his ass as he quickened his strokes, moving in and out of me without a moment’s respite.
And I took him.
Every inch of him.
I stared into his eyes as he fucked me against the earth.
We weren’t chasing an orgasm.
This was more than that.
No, we were chasing ourselves, looking for one another in the dark, crossing the space we’d let grow between us.
We were searching for those kids. The ones that clung together, riding through every storm that had battered us black and blue.
“Carter,” I cried out, my tears spilling from my eyes as I sobbed against him. Because I saw him—I saw that boy inside him, and he was staring back at me, telling me he was ready, that he was waiting for me.
And I—
I was ready.
I wanted him.
Wanted this.
Carter’s eyes were raw, his tears falling over my face as he slowed his movements down. His body rocked against me as he came undone, crying into my neck. I hugged him, gripping him tight, stroking his hair and back and telling him over and over again, “We’re here. We’re together. I’m not going away. I’m right here, Carter. I’ll never hurt you, okay? You’ll never be alone again.”
His body shook over me as he rode through his emotions, and I held him the entire time, consoling him with my touch, with my words, that I was here, and we were going to make it right this time.
This time when he took me, he was tender and slow. He pulled back to watch me come undone beneath him. He swallowed my moans, groaning deep in his chest as he came hard inside me, riding through his pleasure with a relieved look in his eye.
“Okay,” he whispered into my neck, his tone tender, loving. “Okay, Leah, let’s do this, my love.”
I smiled when he looked back at me, and there it was—his smile, beautiful and bright.
“Will you want me forever?” I asked.
“Forever,” he answered with a finality in his voice.
Then we laid like that, in the grass, under a beautiful sky, clinging together like the kids of our past.