Heartfelt Makeover #3
“You have to confront your grief and trauma to be able to process it and move on from it. It’ll probably be even worse now, though, because you’ve lumped four years of negligence on top of the original trauma.
But look at it this way, you go, and it’s terrible.
It really fucking sucks, but after a while, it starts to suck a little less.
It starts to ease up, and you start being able to breathe again.
Yeah, it was really hard to get there, and some parts were absolutely hellish, but you pulled through.
There’s this massive weight off of you, and you’re healing.
Or you can stay where you’re at, where it’s nothing but pain for you, and pain for everyone who loves you, with no end in sight.
No goal, no light at the end of the tunnel, just this for forever. ”
I take all of that in, too. I’ve pretty much already decided to give therapy another try.
I’ve been working my way to it, but I knew I’d need to if I was going to fix this divide between Qi and me.
But what he said is a good point too, that maybe if I really try, there may be an end to this hell.
I’m so tired of being this way, and having a goal to look forward to, something that looks infinitely better than this, might help me carry the burden of the exhaustion I’ve carried for so long already.
“You know I love you, too,” he says kindly, interrupting my thoughts.
“Obviously, part of that is knowing I plan very much for us to be siblings for the rest of my life, but also very much because of you. You fail to see the mentor, the mystery, the fun, and the quirky person that you are. You are very easy to love; I just really wish you’d see that too and take better care of yourself.
And you know, maybe stop making my boyfriend cry,” he says lightly.
I know he means it, but I also know he said it that way to make it a bit funny, too. I can’t help but believe him a bit, because nothing less than his truly caring about me would have him trying to be kind, given that I know he’s monumentally frustrated with me and the situation.
“Close your eyes,” I instruct. “I’ve been working up to it.
The experiences I had when I was younger were really unpleasant.
I get that it was mostly just me, but I’ve gotten all worked up about it in my head, and I’ve been saving some names and stuff, but I’m just–” I shrug again; words aren’t my friend today at all.
“Well, maybe I can help find someone who has a good reputation. I am kind of a psychology major, and while I won’t pretend I’m anywhere near being useful to you as a therapist, I might at least be able to find someone reputable in the field,” he offers.
I pause as I consider that and realize how good it would be to have someone come with a recommendation; at least it wouldn’t be a random guess, and just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I guess since not everyone is compatible, most therapy is like that anyway, but it still feels like a stronger plan than internet search engines.
“Yeah, that would really help. Thank you.”
“You said you had a list of names. Do you want me to start there?”
“Well, I got the list off of an internet search, so…”
He snorts at that. “Yeah, never mind, I’ll ask my professor for some recommendations.”
“Okay, now be quiet for a minute so I can work on your mouth,” I tell him, using the silence to my advantage.
“Thank you for being there for Qi and for coming up here to talk to me. I know it can’t be easy for you, and I’m sorry I made Qi cry.
I really hate that so much. He should always only ever be completely happy, and I hate that I’m the reason he’s not right now.
But I’ll do everything I can to fix myself so I won’t hurt him anymore. ”
Once I pull my hands away from his mouth, his eyes meet mine solidly again.
“I really hope somewhere along the lines, you’ll realize how equally important it is to all of us that you are also completely happy and that we want you to heal for you too, not just for Qi.
And I also want to say that there isn’t anything that needs to be fixed.
You aren’t broken; you just need a little guidance to help you solve this hump you’re at. ”
I take a deep breath and nod, letting him know I get what he’s saying. While I’m not in a place to agree with him yet, I’m at least not shutting it down either.
“Okay, but in the meantime, take a look.” I change the subject by flipping the chair around so he can see his face.
It’s a very neutral look, something you’d see on a modeling cover.
It accentuates the natural lines of his face.
I thinned his nose, the tiniest hair, and then hardened his jawline.
I highlighted the curve of his chin and his cheekbones, and added a slight liner to his eyelids to make his eyes pop.
His mouth has the thinnest liner with gloss to elevate the thickness of his lips.
Most people wouldn’t even notice he’s wearing anything unless they got up close and personal.
“Wow, it’s not what I was expecting,” he says, turning his head from side to side.
“No, you were expecting me to make you look like a girl. Makeup enhances features; whether a bit of color is added to that or not is the wearer’s decision, but powders, liquids, and gels have the same ability to enhance a man’s face as they do a woman’s.
I didn’t make you feminine; I enhanced your natural masculinity,” I point out with a bit of amusement as he pokes his face here and there.
He raises an eyebrow at me. “But when you do yours, you make it feminine?” he says, the question evident in his tone.
“Once again, that settles on preference.
You are male and proud of your masculinity, not in a toxic way, but in a way that exists.
Qi is the same way. Makeup can be used to enhance the sharpness of your jawline, the lift of your cheekbones, or simply even out your natural skin tone, or elevate the natural colors of your face.
“I prefer accentuating the mixture of feminine and masculine features I have.
When I was younger, I found that I was too masculine to be feminine, yet too feminine to be masculine.
I was so caught up in gender stereotypes that these things made me spiral.
Over time, I learned not only to embrace these parts of myself but also to appreciate them.
“I love that most people can’t tell my gender at first glance.
I love that they have to question it, because it challenges the binary.
It makes me feel free from the boxes society works so hard to trap us in.
So as much as your masculinity is important to you, my androgyny is important to me.
Which means the makeup style I use for you versus the ones I use for myself are always going to be massively different. ”
Tristan stands up straight and hooks me with an almost exasperated expression.
“See, Qiang? This is what I was trying to say earlier. That right there is something outside of both Qi and your trauma that is wholly you that makes you so easy to love. I’m very lucky to get to know you,” he says with so much sincerity that my chest cracks wide open.
“I swear by the rumored Repo! The Genetic Opera Special Edition, if you make me cry, I will never let you back up here again,” I grumble out, tears prickling the back of my eyes for what feels like the millionth time since we started talking.
“Gesundheit?” he asks uncertainly, and as much as I love Tristan, Qi needs to teach him about proper movies!
Before I can explain the holy grail of cinema that Repo! The Genetic Opera is, there’s a timid knock on the door that interrupts us. I grab Tristan and spin him around so he’s facing away from the door, and his face isn’t reflected in the vanity mirror.
“Don’t turn around until I say,” I tell him before opening the door for Qi and Marcus.
They’re both trying to look around me to catch a glimpse of Tristan as though I’d ever neglect the essence of a proper makeover reveal. But before we get to all of that, my eyes catch Qi’s, and I raise an eyebrow of contempt.
“Qi, I don’t think your boyfriend has ever heard of Repo! The Genetic Opera,” I point out rather seriously. Because it is, this is a very serious matter!
Qi raises an eyebrow at me with a look on his face that does not convey the proper amount of censure. “Well, I don’t know how that got brought up, but I guess I know what we’re doing while we eat dinner tonight.”
“I’ve never heard of it either,” I hear Marcus say from behind Qi.
I pinch the bridge of my nose while shaking my head in disappointment. “Fuck, we live in a house full of heathens, Qi,” I lament a bit dramatically.
On the one hand, I’m completely waylaid by the fact that they have not seen the movie.
On the other hand, it’s airing out some of the lingering heaviness from the earlier conversation.
Tristan and I both made our points and agreed on the next step.
I’d rather spend the rest of the evening watching movies and eating good food than continuing to dwell.
Qi snorts at that and rolls his eyes at me.
“I’m sure we can work together to correct the error of their ways, but in the meantime, as nice as my boyfriend’s backside is, I was kind of hoping to see his face,” he says, and from where I’m standing I can see the side of Tristan’s face and the immediate grin that spreads across it at Qi’s words has me rolling my eyes. The full-on sap this man is!
“Oh my gawd, Tristan, you’ve been dating for months now; you don’t have to smile that fucking big just because Qi said you have a nice backside,” I call him out, and everyone laughs.
The coils around my chest ease up just that much more, and I look over at Qi with a grin. “Are you guys ready?”