Chapter 19
Holt
“Iam not moping.” I scoff at my secretary.
Beverly gives me a deadpan expression. “And I’m Liza Minnelli.”
“You do kind of look like her.”
“Flattery will not distract me from my point.”
“And what is that point?”
“You’re sad that Gia left, and it’s putting a funk over the whole office.”
I shuffle the papers on my desk to avoid looking at Beverly. “I’m sorry I’m ruining our office vibe.”
“You should have told her to stay.”
”I couldn’t. We both knew this had an end date, and now it’s over.”
“Bullshit.”
My eyes fly to Bev’s. I can’t say she never curses at the office. She has a mouth like a sailor, but what she doesn’t do is forcefully curse at me.
“It’s not even close to over, Holt Basil. And I’m disappointed that you didn’t fight harder for her. Your mother should be ashamed of you.”
Oh, she is. I haven’t gone a day without Mom asking if I’ve called Gia since she left. “What should I have done? Begged a woman to stay who didn’t want to? Her whole life is across the country. Who in their right mind would stay in a town for a man they’ve only known for a month?”
“You could have given her the option, at least. You could have told her you wanted her to stay.”
“And then proceeded to have my heart smashed when she said no? Yeah, I think I’ll pass.” I’ve had enough heartbreak to last a lifetime. I stand from my chair and pace into the kitchen in the back of the office.
I grab a mug from the cabinet above the coffeemaker and pour another cup. I really shouldn’t drink this. I’m already having heart palpitations; drinking more caffeine will only make things worse.
I exhale deeply as Beverly follows me into the kitchen. She absconds with my mug. “Give me that. You’ll have a heart attack if you drink it.”
I watch her dump the liquid down the sink with a strange sort of detachment.
Since Gia left last week, I’ve had several questions rolling around my head without Beverly or my mother’s prodding.
Should I have said something to get her to stay?
I wanted it to be her idea. What if she’d said yes because I asked and then resented me for it?
The pressure to make our relationship work after that would’ve been more than I could bear.
Plus, I was too chicken to ask anyway. I’d have been devastated when she said no to my face.
And she would’ve.
There’s no way she’d have stayed, no matter what I asked her, but maybe I should have said something.
I could have told her she’d always be welcome to come back whenever she wanted or even that we wished she could stay but understood that she had to go.
Anything would have been better than nothing.
Then I wouldn’t be stuck with the what-ifs rolling around in my head.
The girls have also been despondent this whole week, and it’s yet another thing I’m beating myself up over.
How could I have let them get so attached to Gia, knowing she’d leave us?
I never lied or told them Gia was going to stay longer, but it wouldn’t have mattered how many times I reminded them Gia would leave—they’d still be just as sad.
I’ve fucked everything up.
Beverly’s hand on my arm pulls me out of my spiral. “Honey, why don’t you go out to the farm and spend a little time with Huck?”
“I’ve got a mountain of work to do. I can’t just drop everything.”
“Not a single thing on your list needs to be done today.”
I run my palms down my face, mentally going over my checklist. She’s not exactly wrong. Most of the stuff I need to do can wait until tomorrow. I don’t have any court dates until next week.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll head out to the farm.”
A strong nose shoves my shoulder.
“I’m going as fast as I can, you pushy bastard,” I grumble.
Huck snorts, telling me exactly what he thinks about my insult. I’ve been fucking with his bridle for the last couple of minutes because the buckle was stuck.
I sigh and run a hand down his soft nose. “I’m sorry, buddy. I’m having a bad day, but I shouldn’t take it out on you.”
He accepts my apology, and I’m finally able to finish tacking up. We set out on our favorite trail. I don’t even have to direct Huck. It’s like he knows where I need to go before I’ve even made the choice.
He’s been my horse since I was a teenager. His mama died giving birth, and I was the one out here every day taking care of him. The girls learned how to ride on Huck, and he loves them as much as he loves me. Granted, they always have sugar cubes in their pockets when they come out to see him.
The wind is bitingly cold, but it’s better than sitting in my stuffy office, wallowing in my misery.
As much as I hate admitting it, Beverly was right. I needed this break from everything rolling around in my head.
A ride with Huck is a surefire way to clear my thoughts. With the crunch of snow under his hooves and my breath fogging out in front of me, there’s not much room for anything else. Even the sun decided to peek out from the clouds today.
The thick trees open up to a sparkling hideaway.
The frozen pond stretches across the field on the backside of the farm.
I have the sudden urge to strap on some skates and get out the hockey goals.
My brothers and I used to play three-on-three when we had too much energy.
None of us could play worth a damn, but it was fun regardless.
I should bring the girls out here. That might cheer them up a bit, and we haven’t ice-skated since before Christmas.
“What are you doing out here?”
Reese’s voice scares the shit out of me. Huck shuffles his feet at my sudden movement. “Jesus. Warn a guy first.”
“I’m on a horse. I don’t think I could’ve been any louder,” Reese deadpans, making me snort.
“Guess I was too caught up in my thoughts.”
“Hmm.” He walks Minnie up next to Huck, and we sit in silence for a bit. “You never said what you’re doing out here.”
“Oh, I just needed to get out of town for a bit. Clear my thoughts.”
Reese nods. I’m grateful he doesn’t ask questions. If it were Camden, I’d be getting the third degree. “We could use some help with the chores this afternoon. Mom’s arthritis is acting up today.”
“How bad is it getting?”
Reese shrugs. “It’s okay for the most part. But sometimes she pushes it too hard and then gets annoyed when she has to bear the consequences.”
“Sounds about right. Want to head back?”
Reese turns Minnie around instead of responding. We ride in silence until we’re back at the barn. He gives me a list of shit that needs doing and then leaves me to it.
I keep an eye on the time to make sure I’m not late picking up the girls from their after-school program.
It’s only two days a week, but they have a wide-ranging curriculum that the girls love.
This week, they’re learning about testing hypotheses.
I’m hoping they have the lines around their eyes from the safety goggles again today. It’s the cutest fucking thing.
I manage to get everything done by the time I have to leave. I wave at Reese and Camden, who are mucking out the horse stalls, and then jump in my truck. I make a mental note to bring Beverly some of Gage’s pastries in the morning. This is exactly what I needed to get my head back on straight.
I won’t lie and say I’ve suddenly stopped thinking about Gia.
It would take a whole lot longer than an afternoon to do that, but the fresh air brought me some much-needed perspective.
I messed up by not talking to her before she left.
I should’ve told her how I felt and then let her decide, regardless of the consequences.
I’m still debating whether or not to text her tonight. Is it too late to say something? Will I regret letting time pass without reaching out at all?
Yeah. I’ll regret it, which means I need to plan out what I want to tell her.
I pull up to the school before I have time to give it much more thought. The warm air seeps into my bones, allowing my muscles to relax as I walk to the girls’ classroom.
Although the temperature when I step through the door could rival Antarctica.
I glance back and forth between Farrah and Knox.
Farrah has her arms crossed, and her shoulders are hunched. Anger is burning in her eyes as she stares daggers at my best friend. Her kind face ruins the intensity a bit, but what she’s communicating is clear. She’s pissed.
Knox is grinding his teeth so hard that the muscles in his jaw are visibly flexing. “Let’s go, Finn. We need to get home before dark.”
Farrah scoffs. “That’s physically impossible at this time of year.”
Knox rolls his shoulders but doesn’t respond. Seeing this woman covered head to toe in pink, shooting laser beams at the back of Knox’s head, has me rolling my lips between my teeth to hold back my laughter.
Once Finn gets to his dad, Knox turns, startling when he notices me standing here. “Holt. Doing good?”
“Fine.”
He nods before hightailing it out of Farrah’s classroom.
“At least he’s not just monosyllabic with me,” Farrah grumbles.
“No, that’s pretty on par for Knox. What was that?”
Farrah blows out a breath, throwing her hands up. “Heck if I know. He’s been that way with me since we met at parent-teacher night at the beginning of the year.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“I mean, the man is grumpy pretty much always, but that was different.”
“Oh, goody. So it is me. I was hoping he acted like he had a bee in his pants for everyone.”
I snort. “That’s a visual. I’m sorry he’s being so rude. I can talk to him if you want. He’s one of my best friends.”
“No, he’d only blame me for that too.”
“Dad!” Leah shouts across the room, dragging Lauren behind her.
“It’s about time you noticed I was here,” I tease her. They were super invested in the coloring pages they were working on, and I didn’t have the heart to interrupt them. Plus, it gave me a minute to suss out the tension between Farrah and Knox. “You ready to go, monkeys?”
“Yep.”
“Ready.”
“Perfect.” I nod toward the door. “Let’s head home.”
As we’re walking out to my truck, the girls are talking a mile a minute, and I’m barely able to keep up with the conversation.
Then my phone rings, and when I pull it out of my back pocket to see who’s calling, a flock of birds takes flight in my gut.