Chapter 19 #2
“It was difficult. I’m not saying it was right, but I tried. I swear, Finny, as soon as I got back, I went straight for you. If they had told me the truth, it wouldn’t have taken this long for us to find each other. They lied, Fee. Everyone lied to me, and I’m so sorry.”
“Stop!” I yelled, tired of hearing all of his excuses. He looked surprised, and I got in his face, ready to end the conversation.
“Don’t try to pretend you’re here to apologize.
You’re looking for closure. You’re just here to validate this lie you’ve believed for so long.
Or to exonerate yourself for believing it.
Well, you can fuck right off with that. I do not give a shit about whatever story you had to tell yourself to feel better about leaving me all those years ago.
“None of what you’re saying right now, none of these reasons you’re giving me, make what you did okay. Maybe if you didn’t try to excuse your behavior and just took accountability, we could have a foundation to build off of.” He frowned, looking confused. With a beleaguered sigh, I enlightened him.
“You need to fucking man up! Admit that you’re human, that you were young, and tired, and finally away from that shithole, and it was nice!
Admit that the longer you went without seeing or talking to me, the easier it was to forget that I existed.
Until you can do that, we have nothing to talk about.
You failed me, but mostly, you failed yourself.
“You broke every promise you ever made to me, and not once have you fucking owned up to it. Don’t forget I know you, Jax.
The real you. I hope those years where you didn’t have to worry about me were worth the next few decades where I won’t let you worry about me.
Now, get the fuck out of my apartment,” I said, pointing to the door, unwilling to hear anymore of his bullshit.
He looked torn, surprised at my directive.
“If I have to ask you again, I’m calling Reaper,” I warned, not ashamed to pull a power play.
“Hope you feel better now that you got all that off your chest. You can see yourself out,” I said, turning my back on him as I headed for the kitchen.
Needing to busy myself, I filled the kettle with water, then set it to boil before grabbing my cell.
“Fiona, please! You’re taking this all the wrong way,” Jackson pleaded from the entrance to my kitchen.
Without waiting for a response, I pulled up my contacts, pressed the dial for Reaper, and put it on speaker.
As I rifled through my tea bags, trying to find a flavor that appealed to me, the ringing echoed around my apartment.
I looked up to see that Jackson hadn’t moved from his spot, just looking at me with frustration and sadness.
After only three rings, Reaper picked up.
“Hey, little miss, to what do I owe this honor?”
“You need to send someone to pick up one of your boys. He’s lost and about to stray into dangerous territory. Can’t promise he’s gonna get out of here unscathed if I have to look at him for another minute.”
“Atlas. Get your ass to the clubhouse now,” Reaper growled, and I smiled. After pouring the hot water into my mug, I lifted the cup in a mock toast to my brother, who was grinding his teeth and looked about ready to scream the house down.
“Sounds like your master is summoning you. So sad. Door’s over there. Toodles!” I said, before looking down to pay rapt attention to my beverage.
Instead of leaving, like I thought he would, Jackson entered the kitchen until he was standing across from me at the island. Eyeing the phone that was still connected, he shook his head before digging into his pocket. He pulled out a charm bracelet that looked too familiar, placing it between us.
“I found it in your bedroom when I went back. I was surprised they hadn’t tried to pawn it.
I had the clasp fixed, and added a few charms I got for you when I was gone.
I never forgot about you, Finny. Never. I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know that I wasn’t there for you, but you were always with me,” he declared, tapping the counter next to the bracelet, drawing my eyes down.
By the time I looked back up, the front door was swinging closed behind Jax, and I had forgotten Reaper was on speaker.
“You did good, girlie. Bash is on his way over to check on you now. I’ll take care of Atlas. Don’t you worry ’bout a thing.”
“Thanks, Reaper.” I was shocked to hear a waver in my voice. “I’ll talk to you later. Sorry for the drama.”
“Nothing to apologize for, darlin’. Talk to you soon.”
Finally alone in my apartment, the silence felt thick and suffocating.
I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold it together, not to let Jackson get to me.
The bracelet felt like a mockery—once the most important item in my life that turned into an awful reminder of everything I had lost. It was the last gift Jackson ever bought for me.
The nicest thing I had ever owned in my life.
A piece of my brother I could carry around until we were back together.
I kept it on, even when he never wrote or called, even after I found the letter to my parents.
It wasn’t until the night I left town that something broke in me.
I remember snapping the clasp in my frantic attempts to get it off, wanting to leave everything from my old life, my old dreams, behind.
Standing in my kitchen, I grew angrier as I thought over every word that Jackson had shared.
Long ago, I had accepted that he forgot about me and moved on with his life.
I tried not to hold it against him, hoping he had found something better—something that was worth it to not have me be part of his life anymore.
Instead, it sounded like he had gone through a hell of a lot of work to prove I had turned into a lowlife bottom-feeder like our parents. All so he could move on and ride around acting as a glorified Google Maps for his own leather-clad entourage.
I winced, feeling petty for taking my feelings out on the club. Regardless, I knew it would be very hard to separate the knowledge, and the pain it caused me, that Jackson chose a life as their Brother instead of one as mine.
Bash
Friday nights were slowly becoming the bane of my existence.
While everyone around me was getting ready for the weekend, I was getting cockblocked by my sister.
All I wanted to do was rush out of work so I could see Fee, have a full weekend together.
I thought the need for her would lessen over time, but instead, it had only grown.
No matter how much time I had with her, it was never enough.
Knowing I wasn’t going to get shit done, I decided to stay at the clubhouse and work on the safe house.
Atlas and his team had been there all week, hashing out the final logistics.
I didn’t think either of us missed the irony of him heading up a project to provide safety for women and children.
Realistically, I knew it was their parents who were the real ones at fault for what had happened to Fee.
Without them in front of me, though, it was easier to focus on Atlas.
Working from my office in the clubhouse, I was attempting to focus on the building specs and contracting estimates covering my desk.
The faster we got that chunk of work done, the sooner Atlas would have to go back to SC.
A little after 5 p.m., my door burst open, and before I could curse the person out, Reaper’s familiar voice reached my ears.
With a serious face, he took the cellphone he was speaking into and put it on speaker, causing me to freeze as Fiona’s voice blasted out of the device.
When Atlas’s voice followed after, I saw red.
I couldn’t believe he had tracked her down, had confronted her when she was alone.
Reaper mouthed, “GO,” to me, and I gave him a nod, knowing I would get a rundown of what happened from both him and Fiona.
Once on my bike, I sped toward Fee’s apartment building, hoping I would catch Atlas so we could have a word.
When I pulled in, there were no other bikes in the lot.
Jogging into the building, I made my way up to Fiona’s apartment in rapid time.
Turning the knob, I was surprised to find it open, and stepped in hesitantly, unsure if that meant Atlas was still there.
Once inside, I found Fiona, sitting alone at her kitchen table, a cup of tea in front of her as she studied a bracelet in her hand.
“Fee, baby. Are you okay?” I asked, and her whole body jerked. She looked at me, confused for a moment, as if not really seeing me.
“How did you get here so fast?” Fiona asked, once she came out of it.
“I was at the clubhouse when you called Reaper, got on my bike, and came straight here. I’m so sorry he came here.
” Fiona shrugged and avoided looking directly at me, still focused on the bracelet in her hand.
I pulled a kitchen chair out and sat down next to her, gently trying to get a look at whatever was holding her focus so intensely.
“It’s fine. I knew he would come by sooner or later,” she said, her tone still eerily disconnected. She stopped twiddling with the bracelet, tucking it into her palm before locking it into her fist, as if trying to smash it and break whatever reverie it held her in.
“Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is he came here to say?” I gently questioned, reaching over to cup her cheek, trying to get her to look at me.
I didn’t know how to handle that version of Fee; closed down, distracted, fragile.
She shook her head before looking at me, her small hand covering mine where I held her.
Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she leaned over and kissed me.
I was surprised by the sudden shift, unsure what to do but at the same time, not ever at a place to push Fiona away.