Chapter 3
Riley
I went for a run, unpacked, showered, and ate, all the things I had on my to-do list. Did I clean the cabin?
No. Did I organize my clothes? Also no, but it’s fine, because it’s unpacked and sorted.
The rest can wait until tomorrow. Because now it’s the afternoon, and it’s time to go back and talk to Lilly.
Fuck that, actually. I don’t like it at all. I should've known. I should’ve studied something with art instead. I don’t want to pursue a job just to earn money. I don’t want to feel like I can’t breathe again, as if the walls are closing in.
My phone is staring at me with exclamation points on each side, screaming at me to just call her.
I don’t want to talk to her again, but I have to, especially if I need her to trust me with a job.
I don’t want to spend the next six months aimlessly wandering because Sister Dearest won’t tell me what I can help with—or even worse, give me random tasks that won’t lead anywhere.
Me:
Have you talked to Lilly today?
Willa:
Hello, Riley.
Me:
hi.
Me:
Did you talk to Lilly today?
Willa:
No, why?
Me:
She’s not very happy I showed up.
Willa:
And you thought she would be? You know she hates surprises.
Me:
This is my home too, you know?
Why do I have to keep reminding people I belong here?
Willa:
What do you want me to do, Riles?
Me:
I want you to tell me how I’m going to get back on her good side. I need her to give me a job. Not a crappy job, a good one.
Willa:
Why? I thought you wanted to travel
Me:
I already did. I finished early. It’s a long story. And I traveled too. Now, I’m ready for something else. I want to work.
Me:
Even if I were to travel, I don’t have money to do so.
How do I explain to her that everything I told her I wanted—traveling the world and never coming back here—was a lie?
Willa understands the staying away, with her psychology degree and all.
She moved away and never looked back. I thought the same would work for me, but I realized the hollow feeling in my chest was not going to be filled with pretty views and new places.
So, I’m back here, where it all started.
Willa:
I don’t think there’s extra money anywhere.
Me:
I don’t want a handout. I want to work. She can hire me. We both know she’ll need counselors.
Do I think I have what it takes to be a counselor by myself? No. Am I willing to try? Yeah.
Willa:
Riles, you messed around there your whole life. Do you think you can handle a whole group of kids?
Me:
I’m great with kids!
Willa:
And give them responsibilities? And take responsibility for them?
Me:
You sound like Lilly.
Willa:
That’s not fair.
Ugh, she’s right, it’s not. I don’t know why I’m even bothering her with this. It’s not like she’s coming home or anything too.
Me:
You’re right. I’m sorry. But, like, what else can I do? I’m willing to learn.
I’ve never been afraid to either, but when all you hear your whole life is no, be careful, or you can’t do that, it becomes harder and harder to try something new.
Willa:
Then tell her that. Maybe apologize for showing up unannounced too, yeah?
Me:
yeah, yeah. Love you.
Willa:
love you.
Me:
Oh, I’m the worst. How are you? Did you take your test?
She’s almost ready to be a therapist. She’s just missing the test and maybe a few other things she’s told me about, but I’ve not paid attention to.
Willa:
It’s going. Gotta go tho.
I’ve always wondered if she built her life far away from this ranch because the memories are too painful and she needed space to heal. Either way, I’m proud of her for prioritizing herself.
I throw myself onto the bed with an oomph, but an insistent knock on the door robs me of my time to consider my pacifier middle sister’s words.
I rush down the steps and open the door to find Lilly on the other side.
“Hi!” I shout, both in excitement and surprise.
“Can I come in?” Lilly points to the living room, or what’s left of it.
When our parents revamped the camp from a sleep-away camp to a day camp, there were so many cabins available, and they assigned one to each of us.
I got to pick last, being the youngest and all, but I loved this one.
It’s super far away from everyone and everything.
Lilly said I picked perfectly, so I can spend my little hours of sleep doing whatever I wanted to do without disturbing others.
Nobody else wants to walk for ten minutes before getting to the main house or the barn.
Joke’s on them.
I love being out here. Nobody comes to this side of the river either, so it’s like having an entire piece of the property for myself.
My own safe haven.
This also means that because I don’t get many visitors, it’s never clean or organized. Add to that that I’ve been gone for a few years? Well, it needs some deep cleaning for sure.
“Um, would you, um, rather go for a walk instead?” I step aside, closing the door behind me, ushering her sideways. She doesn’t need to see the state of that room. Or the whole cabin, for that matter.
“I don’t have a lot of time.”
“That’s fine. It shouldn’t take long, right? You said you needed help, and I’m happy to take a job.”
“A job?” she asks incredulously.
“Yes, a job. I’m sure you’re swamped with things for summer camp, and I’m happy to take things off your plate,” I say, overexplaining myself, as I always do with her.
“What’s the end goal here?” She’s paying no attention to what I’m saying, she’s just worried about the potential clusterfuck of me, Riley, being back home.
“No end goal. I’m here for, I don’t know, a few weeks, months? You said you could use me, so use me.”
“Oh, I can believe that,” she says, pausing for good measure, “but what’s the ulterior motive?”
“None. I just want to help.”
“Sure. Then go help in the main house, or help brush the horses,” she adds.
Those are not real responsibility, though. How can I make her see I’m serious about this? “Well, those don’t pay.”
“Ah, there we are.” She finally looks up at me.
“Well, you can’t expect me to work for nothing.” Judging by her reaction, my assumption that expecting to be paid would mean I’m serious backfired for sure.
“Riley, do you even know how tough things are right now? Do you have any idea how bad the economy is, and, on top of that, the expenses to keep this place afloat have been astronomical? I can’t just pay you for helping.”
“But you have jobs posted. I can do one of those.” It’s true, I saw them online. She knows I’m right too.
“For counselors. That’s all the budget we have. And that doesn’t count all the hours I'm gonna have to pull organizing everything to have it ready. I was planning on assigning you to a group in the summer, but I won’t know until closer which group will need extra hands.”
Okay, so she needs help, but she can’t afford to hire someone. That’s fine. I can work with that. “What if I take one of the camp counselor jobs, and then I can just organize here and there before then?”
“You? You want to lead a group? On your own?”
She’s not hiding her true thoughts. But really, Riley? You really think you can do that? On your own? And honestly, I’m not sure I can, but I’m going to try. If I can’t make life here work, I’m afraid I’ll spend my entire life drifting like an empty paper bag.
But I can’t go there.
Positive thoughts, Riley. You’ve got this.
“Wouldn’t be the first time.” She’s acting like I’m some city girl who has never gotten her boots dirty a day in her life, not like she’s talking to her youngest sister, who grew up here and knows this ranch inside and out.
“Are you going to drop this?”
“Don’t you need help? Why are you so difficult?”
“Because I don’t need to add one more thing to my stressors list, Riley.”
“And that’s what I am?” I snap like a damn branch.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, but come on.
You’re the only person I know who can get the solution to all their problems at once and still says no.
You need to hire people; I’m hirable and available.
That’s an interview you won’t have to do.
I love all ages, so any group would work.
There, that’s simple. And I’m available now.
You need to clean and organize stuff? I’m your girl. Why is that so hard to accept?”
I don’t even believe it myself, but fake it til you make it, right? If I’m going to try to make this work for however long and save for my trips, I need this.
She stops dead in her tracks, quick and without reservation.
The silence between us is heavier than it’s ever been, but it’s not unique to this situation.
This, what just happened, is pretty typical for me and Lilly.
She says no, I push her buttons, she gets mad, I get mad, she feels guilty, I feel sorry, she says no, I beg, and she says, “Fine.”
“Fine?”
“Yup. This is your farm too after all, no? You want to do more? You want more responsibilities? That’s no problem at all.
Here, do you see that shed?” She points to the giant shed next to the main road, the one we often used to play hide and seek in while Dad yelled at us that it wasn’t safe.
Lilly and Willa, playing it safe as always, would hide in very common places, while I, on the other hand, hid so well that sometimes, I would fall asleep, and nobody would find me.
Not until Mom’s tears got me up and apologizing.
It seems like my whole life, it’s been this same pattern of trying something my way, hurting other people in the process, and me apologizing in the end.
I don’t do it on purpose. I just want to try new things and explore new places.
Life can be so monotonous sometimes, and they all might be okay with that, but I’m not.
“Yes, I see it.”
“Well, it’s a disaster. Cataclysmic disaster, and it could use cleaning. Can you handle that?”
Cleaning the giant scary shed? Sure thing. Why not? “Mm, yes! When do you need it done by?”
“As soon as possible.”