Chapter 40
Riley
I love you if you stay, and I love you if you go.
Dom’s words echo in my mind, like a weight I need to acknowledge but one I would rather not.
But I have to.
Not because of him, but because of me. I may not have said anything to him, but I do love him, like a lot. While I felt like it was all in my head or like I was wrong to think a person could fall in love so quickly, he proved to me it wasn’t one sided, that he feels the same.
Even if I don’t stay.
I love you, and it’s not transactional nor transitional.
I’ve always felt like the only way people could love me is in an ephemeral way, only when I’m making myself small or just for a while. But he says his love for me is fundamental to who he is, even if he’s never loved someone else this way.
Truth is, I don’t need to be someone’s first love. I just want to be someone’s last. I want someone to love me so deeply for who I am, they can’t imagine a life without me, even if it’s only for a period of time.
I’m not delusional. I know this started as purely physical, but it slowly evolved into more. I don’t expect for us to jump into marriage or anything like that, but I want to be loved right.
I’m all in. Whatever that means to you, it’ll be the same to me.
Maybe I am a little delusional, because I’m starting to believe him.
I barely slept last night, tossing and turning in my empty bed—the place I’ve never loved until I shared it with him.
For someone who struggles staying asleep for long, I never slept better than when I was in his arms. And do I really need to wait until I’m thirty or forty to figure out if it’s him I should give a chance?
Do I really need to worry about it all now, or can I just take it a day at a time? A day at a time when I’m committed to him, the way he’s saying he’s committed to me?
I love you. I’m in love with you.
Damn it, Dominic, I love you too, and it’s about time I tell him. No jokes, banter, or sex. Just words. Words that will carry a lot of meaning.
The soft knocks coming from the door surprise me. They shouldn’t, since lately, everyone is knocking on doors instead of going in, me included.
“Come in!” I shout, jogging down the stairs, covered in paint.
“Are you leaving?” Lilly asks, eyes locked on the empty suitcases I haven’t had a chance to move back to where they belong.
I thought about it.
About leaving.
About trying to find myself someplace else.
But there’s no point, because I’m not going to find it. I belong here. This is where I’m meant to be, and I finally see it.
There’s no need to be on the go every day when every waking moment can be a beautiful thing here. The world will always be there for me to explore for a while, as long as in the wake of summer, I can find myself right back here, where I want to be.
“No,” I say, an answer that carries immediate relief for my sister, something I haven’t seen in her in so long.
“Good. I don’t know what I’d do if you left.”
“Why, because you would have to figure out how to keep up with schedules and my classes? Or because you’d be bored now that you wouldn’t have to worry about your adult little sister banging the best man she’s ever known?”
Lilly flinches at the harshness of my words. I’m usually not the one lashing out at my sisters. I’m usually the happy-go-lucky one, making a mess of things but not talking back to them. Not calling them out.
“No. I like having you around.”
“Sure, sure. Except when I mess something up, and then it’s just screaming at me to fix it, and not even believing I can.”
She shakes her head, dropping her gaze to the floor. “I’ve been hard on you. I didn’t realize how much until this situation. I’m sorry.”
Sorry has been flying around here, and as much as I want to pout and say I don’t believe her, I do. Lilly doesn’t apologize, mostly because she makes no mistakes on her perfect high horse she rides, so this is not only new, but surprising too.
“Are you sorry because I yelled at you?”
“I’m not gonna lie, I was shocked when you did, but no, I'm sorry because I am. I didn’t realize how much I had hurt you, and for what?
An honest mistake? That could’ve happened to anyone.
” She lets out a breath. “There seems to be an impossibly high bar I’ve set for myself, and I keep measuring everyone against it.
I’m working on it, and I’m sorry you were caught in the crossfire. ”
I nod, swallowing the words I want to say. There’s no point in going back and forth. I can be quiet and listen. Two ears to listen, more than the one mouth to talk, Dad would say.
“I’m also sorry about the whole Dominic situation. I didn’t know. I wish you would’ve told me—”
I open my mouth to interrupt. She raises her hand to stop me. “I know why y’all didn’t tell me, but I still wish it. Can’t do anything about it now other than apologize. Which I did to him, but I wanted to talk to you once the water had settled.”
“You told me you were proud of me,” I say, hurt laced in my tone. It turns out, I have not been able to let it go. Two steps forward and ten steps back with her, and I get it. She's stressed out, carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, but why is it always me as her punching bag?
“I am. I just let things pile up, and then I explode, and I’ve taken it out on you. I am sorry. Believe me when I say I hear you, and I’m gonna work on it. Someone who loves you as much as I do shouldn’t act in a way that has you believing they don’t.”
Does she?
“Because I do love you, Riley. Like a lot. You’re all the parts of our parents and this place I wish I could be. A little wild, very pure, and a whole lot of free.”
“So free, I don’t belong anywhere but with the wind,” I say, magnifying glass over my deepest fears, bringing them out in the open and hoping for the best.
Willa steps through the front door just in time. I love that my middle sis doesn’t knock, or she would miss this moment that seems to be good for everyone else.
“Did I hear you say you don’t belong anywhere?” I nod. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I just happened to be right on the other side of the door. Riley, you belong wherever you land. That’s the most beautiful thing about you.”
“Making a mess everywhere I go no matter how much I try?”
“And you turn them all into masterpieces,” Willa adds, Lilly nodding.
“Besides, you belong with us too,” Lilly adds. “Even if it doesn’t feel like that sometimes.”
I all but leap forward, pulling them into a hug. “I love you guys!”
“We love you too,” Willa says.
We stay like that, close to each other, for what seems like an eternity and not long enough at the same time.
“You know where else you belong?” Lilly asks, a knowing smile on her face.
“Where?” It doesn’t hit me until they’re both smiling wider than I’ve seen before.
“With Dominic,” Lilly says.
I felt like I did. It was so easy to do nothing with him, to go from lust at first sight to a friendship I never expected to happen, to the best sex of my life, my heart skipping beats every time I think of him.
I’ve grown so much since I met him too—not because he led me to that, but because of his unwavering belief in me. Not once did I have to force him to want to be with me or to trust I wasn’t just a walking hot mess express.
“I’ll let you get to him. The guy looks miserable lately,” Lilly adds, waving goodbye with Willa.
I don’t need to fight for my life over this. I just need to put my big girl pants on and go see him. I meant every word I said to Lilly the other day, and if he loves me too, why am I acting like this?
Because he scared you, that’s why.
Love is scary, especially when you can lose it as fast as you get it, but how beautiful it is that we get it at all.
My parents would hate it if they knew I’ve been living scared of not being enough.
Enough for others to stay, enough to show my worth, enough to try hard things, enough to love me again.
Dom makes me feel enough.
Then why are you here thinking about it instead of telling him, Riley?
It starts now. The living-my-life-to-the-fullest part. The believing-in-myself part. All of it. And it starts with me taking Henry to see Dom.
Which I do.
The bumpy road to the east side seems like a never-ending highway as I’m itching to get to him. I don’t know where he is, but something tells me he’s with the horses. If not, then I’ll have to take a horse to see him. Either way, the stable goes first.
I rush through the front door, my efforts to find him futile. Will Junie let me take her out for a run? I haven’t ridden a horse in so long. Even if I faced my demons and have been spending time at the barn, it still doesn’t make it easy.
Can I still do it? All of it?
I can.
I will.
“Junie girl,” I whisper, entering her stall, her soft, swiveled-back ears the first thing I notice before her soul-filled eyes find mine. “Wanna go for a ride?”
Dom has been taking her, so I know she’s good to go. I place the blanket on her back, smoothing it with my hands, not taking my eyes off her, making sure she’s okay.
She seems like it, so I grab the heavy saddle and take a step closer to her, my fingers caressing her neck.
“Let’s try this.” I rest the seat against my hip, keeping it stable, and swing it over the blanket.
The leather sighs, settling as if it was made for her.
I push the saddle pad up into the gullet to give her withers room, ensuring no pinching or discomfort that I can see.
“Atta girl.”
I continue lowering the cinch, making sure nothing is twisted, and follow along as if it was second nature to me.
“Like riding a bike, huh?” Dom’s voice startles me, but Junie doesn’t even flinch.
Traitor.
“Did you make Juniper fall in love with you, Dom? Because she would have kicked your ass if you scared her the way you just scared me.”
He smiles, and god fucking damn it.
Why does he have to smile like that?
Lopsided, an eye crinkling at the corner, the damn cowboy hat framing his perfect face. It’s not fair being that good looking.
“I used to fight so hard for you to give me one of those, and now you’re just giving them out willy nilly like that?”
His smile grows wider than the length of this land. “What? This?” He points to his perfect, full lips, stretched out and beautiful.
“Yeah, that.”
“You’ve fixed my grumpiness.”
“Not even your mother would believe that, sir. You’re still plenty grumpy.”
I scratch Juniper’s mane as I ponder every interaction I’ve had with Dom—how no matter how mad I want to be at him, our banter, communication, and overall feel is so natural. He’s perfect for me.
And if this is scary for me, I can’t imagine how it feels for him, especially after knowing how much he blamed himself for his divorce.
“Were you taking her out for a ride?” he asks, pointing at the saddle.
“Yup. That was my plan.”
Dom grabs the bridle and stands next to Juniper, greeting her and slipping the reins over her head. “Where were you going?” He moves so effortlessly, it’s mesmerizing.
“I was going to find you.”
He freezes in place, sliding the crownpiece over the ears and lifting his gaze to meet mine. I love that his eyes remind me of night skies and deep river water, of smiles before skinny dipping and late night paint fighting.
His eyes hold all the memories of a summer I’ll never forget. The summer I got lost in him but found myself.
“Find me? For what?”
“To tell you something.” I don't smile. Maybe a bit cruel, but I love keeping him on his toes.
“Tell me what?”
I circle Juniper, landing in front of him but not taking my hand away from her. I peer up at him through my lashes and stay quiet.
And I wait.
Or I want to.
But I don’t for long. We’ve waited enough.
“That I love you too.”
He stumbles backwards, his eyebrows shooting up high. “Come again?”
I’m the one smiling now, from ear to ear, practically bouncing on the ball of my feet. “I love you.”
“Riles…”
“I do. Unfortunately for you, I fell in love with you first, so this is not news to me.”
“What do you mean?”
“You think you were the only one who realized you and I are meant to be? Nah, I knew it. I felt it.”
He looks confused or torn. Maybe both.
“I’ve loved you for as long as you’ve loved me, maybe a little bit more. Sorry I didn’t tell you before. I didn’t want you to run for the hills and all.”
He takes a step forward. “Don’t play with my feelings, Firefly.”
I shrug. “Does this sound like I’m playing?” I open my arms by my sides, palm facing up. “Sounds honest to me.”
He takes another step, standing oh so close to me this time. “Say it again,” he whispers, his minty breath teasing my lips.
“I love you, Dominic love of my life Diaz.”
Woop—I’m up in the air as he spins me and slams me against the stall wall. “You need to stop doing that, or you’re gonna bruise my back.”
I bite my lower lip, knowing damn well he knows how much I love being manhandled by him, especially since I know that he would never do anything I’m not okay with.
“Was that your way of asking me to keep you?” he asks.
I take his face in my hands, fingers digging into his neck as my thumbs caress his perfect beard. “You already have me. Just don’t let me go again.”
He drops a kiss to my lips, fast and ravenous, deep and needy. He kisses me like he has been underwater, and I’m all the oxygen he needs to breathe.
“I’ll never let you go,” he whispers against my lips, touching our foreheads together and opening his eyes. “I love you. So damn much.”
“Me too, cowboy. Now, let’s go for a ride. We can figure out all the other stuff later.”
I drop a peck to his lips before he spins me around again and places me on top of Juniper, guiding us both out.
“Give me a minute. Let me get ready.”
I nod at the tip of his hat, but before he disappears behind me, he says, “Hey Firefly?”
“Yeah?” I turn to face him.
“I’m not a cowboy, darlin’.” He winks.
Not a cowboy, my ass.