Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CLOVER
Sir
Why didn’t you tell me?
Where are you? We need to talk about this.
She told me everything. I read the article. Please tell me you didn’t use me.
Talk to me.
CLOVER
Please. I need to know the truth. I deserve that much.
I’m coming over.
I stare at the messages from Donnie on my phone. He knows what I did.
I should have agreed to let him talk to Dr. Carver. At least then he wouldn’t have talked to Maggie, and she wouldn’t have told him what happened in Cambridge.
But it’s too late for that now. It’s done, and I have to pay the consequences.
I’m going to get kicked out of the program. There’s no way I’ll be able to continue working with Donnie, and no other professor will dare take me on. I’ll be forever marked as the problematic one. I’ll lose my last shot at earning my PhD.
My parents are going to disown me for sure. Dad will refuse to support me. This apartment is not much, but I’ve made it home. Sloan will let me stay with her until I figure out something, so I won’t be completely put out.
But that’s not the real issue here.
What am I supposed to do for a career when this blows up in my face. Because I haven’t got a clue. This is all I’ve ever dreamed of doing.
Without my degree, I have no career prospects or job or way to make a living. Earning my PhD and becoming a professor is all I’ve ever wanted for myself.
I had to go and screw that all up. Not once, but twice. I would’ve thought I learned my lesson after Senator Klint. This shouldn’t have been a hard task. Keep my hormones and heart in check and focus on school.
But no. I had to have an affair with my faculty advisor.
Even worse … I fell in love with him.
This isn’t how my life was supposed to turn out. Who completely ruins their life by the age of twenty-four? Me. I’m the one.
There’s a loud banging on my door, and I know it’s him. There’s a part of me that wants to pretend I’m not home, so I don’t have to deal with this yet. And there’s another part of me that desperately needs him to hold me and make me feel better.
But I won’t get that. Not after what I’m sure Maggie told him. He won’t want anything to do with me anymore.
“Clover!” He bangs on the door again. “I know you’re in there. Open up.”
“Just get it over with,” I mumble to myself. Then I take a deep breath and walk toward the door. This is it. The moment I’ve dreaded since I started this relationship with Donnie.
I peek through the peephole to confirm it’s him before I open the door. He’s standing with his hands resting on either side of the door frame. His head hangs low with his eyes trained on the floor. When he looks up at me, tears fill my eyes. He looks more upset than angry. I wasn’t expecting that.
“How did you find me?” I ask.
“Waited until everyone left and then I broke into the main office. Found your file.”
“That’s illegal.” I raise a brow and stare at him like he’s crazy.
He shrugs. “We’ve already crossed so many lines. What’s one more?”
I sigh, then open the door wider, and step aside to wave him in. “Fair enough.”
He hesitates before he enters and stops in the middle of my apartment. The look on his face suggests he’s surprised by its appearance.
“Not what you were expecting?” I ask.
He snaps his eyes to me, almost like he’s surprised to hear me speak. “I assumed your parents were wealthy.”
“They are.” My voice cracks as my emotions get the best of me. I swallow them down and refuse to lose control. I’m so tired of crying over this mess. “Let’s just say the disappointment runs deep. I’m lucky my dad let me live here. He tried to force me to live at home. Though I doubt I’ll be welcomed there now.”
He nods and shoves his hands in his pockets. “They’re strict?”
“Religious.”
“Aw, I see.” Our eyes lock. The pain staring back at me is too great. It hurts so much to see him looking at me like this.
I break eye contact first and rush over to my small kitchenette. There’s still some wine left from my night of drinking with Sloan. I pour myself a glass and down a large gulp before I face him again.
“So, Maggie told you everything.”
He nods and points to my glass. “Got enough for me?”
I grab another glass from the cabinet and fill it halfway. When I hand it to him, our fingers brush and it sends a shiver down my spine. I close my eyes and hold my breath until it passes.
“It’s true then?” he asks. “You had an affair with a senator.”
I nod and take another drink. If I speak, I’ll fall apart, so I remain silent and wait for him to continue.
“Were you expelled from Harvard?”
“No!” I say quickly, and then close my eyes. Tears sting the corners. I take a deep breath and calm myself before I speak. “My parents made me leave. Said it was the only way to get the reporters to leave me alone.”
“It was that bad?” he asks. “The reporters, I mean.”
I nod. “They camped outside my apartment and followed me wherever I went. It was very disruptive. Not just to my life, but to all those around me as well. So I came home, waited several months for the media to forget about me, and then I enrolled in school here.”
“And Dr. Carver knows about this?” he asks.
I tense. This could be the truth that bothers Donnie the most. “He and my dad are old friends.”
He closes his eyes and sighs. “Your dad bought your way in. That’s the real reason Maggie is so upset.”
“No, that’s not how it happened.” I rush toward him and rest my hand on his arm. He pulls away, and that somehow hurts more than anything else. He’s rejecting me before giving me a chance to explain. “I earned it. Dr. Carver is a respectable man. If I didn’t have the resume and application to support acceptance, he wouldn’t have let me in.”
“And me?” He looks angry for the first time since arriving. “Was I just a game? Another conquest to fulfill your sexual needs?”
I shake me head. “If you have to ask that, then you don’t really know me.”
“I don’t know what to believe,” he whispers. “I thought … Hell, I don’t know what I thought.”
“I tried to stay away. Remember?” I rush him and cup his cheeks. This time he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he tenses, and his arms fall limp to his side. “I tried hard to convince you this was a bad idea. This is what I was trying to avoid. I can’t get caught up in another scandal. It’ll destroy me.”
He knocks my arms away and takes several steps back. “And what about me and my career? I can’t lose my job, Clover.”
“You won’t,” I say even though I have no clue what will happen next. “I’ll fix this.”
“How?” He looks distraught. “If this goes public like your affair with the senator did, it’ll be too much. I’ll be ruined.”
“That can’t happen.” The panic I’ve been trying so hard to keep in check starts to win. My hands shake and it becomes hard to breathe.
Donnie rests his hand on my shoulder, and it helps. “We need to figure out how to deal with Maggie. She said she doesn’t want to ruin my career, but I’m not convinced.”
“I’ll talk to Dr. Carver.”
“I thought you didn’t want to do that?”
I shrug. “I think you’re right. We don’t have a choice but to involve him. If anyone can fix this, it’s him. I’ll tell him the truth about everything. He’ll make sure Maggie keeps quiet.”
“You’re going to tell him about you and me?”
I nod. “I don’t see any other way.”
He takes a deep breath. “Yeah, I agree. There will be consequences for both of us. If we play this right, I won’t lose my job but there’s no way you can continue working for me. That will set us both back.”
“I know, but it’s either that or Maggie ruins us both.”
He stares at me for a few seconds before he nods and looks away. “I guess I have no choice but to trust you. Please don’t fuck me over. That’s all I ask.”
He picks up his wine glass and downs the rest of it before heading toward the door. Before he opens it, I call out. “What about us?”
He turns to face me and the look in his eyes nearly breaks me. He’s in so much pain and it’s all my fault.
“I don’t know. I need some time.”
I nod and choke back my tears as he opens the door and disappears. Hopefully, not for good.
My heart breaks into a million pieces.
And the only person to blame is me.
After Donnie left, I cried until I had no tears left in me.
It took hours.
It took even longer to fall asleep. My mind wouldn’t shut up long enough for exhaustion to take over. I had a million horrible thoughts running through my head, feeding my anxiety. By the time my eyes fell shut, my alarm went off.
If I got two hours of actual sleep, I’m damn luck.
I want to curl up under my covers and hide all day. Maybe even all week or month. Might as well make it a year. By that time, Maggie will have moved on to a new target and forgotten all about me.
The last thing I want to do is get up, shower, and go into the office. But I can’t avoid my problems. And I certainly can’t hide.
That’s what I did last time. It was so easy to let my dad fix everything for me. To let him make it all go away.
I take a deep breath and push my shoulders back. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I find my strength.
Not this time. Never again.
This time I have to figure out how to fix this myself. It’s the only way I’ll earn my parents’ respect. It’s the only way I can save my life from ruination.
I’m twenty-four years old and have to take responsibility for my actions. I can’t run to Daddy and expect him to fix every mess I get myself into.
Never again.
When I arrive on campus, the grad student office is dark. I passed several faculty heading into the office, but it’s still early for students.
I get settled at my desk and wait for Maggie. She’s typically the first person in. Most of us come in late or not at all. Many of the students prefer the library or working from home on the days they don’t have classes.
While I’m waiting, I email Dr. Carver, requesting a meeting with him today. He responds quickly, saying he’s free until 11:30 a.m. and to stop by anytime this morning. That gives me plenty of time to build up my strength and figure out how I’m going to break it to him that I’m having an affair with Dr. Rosi.
Hopefully, he doesn’t judge me too harshly. I keep making decisions that’s bound to put my character in question. First a senator and now my professor. What will Dr. Carver think of me? Nothing good, that’s for sure.
“I didn’t expect to see you this morning.” I smile at the sound of Maggie’s voice. I’d hope she’d come in early so I could talk to her before talking to Dr. Carver. I need to have this conversation first.
I rotate my chair and let her see my smile. She furrows her brows. “Why do you look so happy?”
I cross my arms over my chest and get comfortable. I try to make myself look calm and completely at ease. “For someone as smart as you, you sure can be rather dense sometimes.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” After tossing her bag on her chair, she walks toward me then she puts her hands on her hips. She’s trying to look threatening, but it’s not working. After I talk to Dr. Carver, she’ll no longer have the upper hand.
I push to my feet and match her stance. Then I smile. “It means you shouldn’t give up the only leverage you have if you want to successfully blackmail someone.”
She frowns. “I didn’t give up my leverage.”
“Oh, but you did.” I chuckle. “The moment you told Dr. Rosi about my little scandal, you ruined your plan to get rid of me.”
“If you think anyone will let you stay after they find out about that, you’re wrong. No one wants to be associated with users like you.”
I smirk and shake my head. “You know, you were sort of right about one thing.”
“Oh yeah? What?”
“My family is connected to Dr. Carver. Or should I say Fred. He and my dad go way back.” I step closer to her until our faces are so close they’re almost touching. “And Fred already knows what happened in Cambridge.”
“So Daddy did buy your way into the program?”
I shake my head. “My credentials earn my acceptance. My dad’s friendship with Dr. Carver is what got him to look at my application and present it to the review committee.”
She raises her head higher and glares at me. “Wait until he hears about your affair with Dr. Rosi. He won’t tolerate that.”
I chuckle and for the first time since I started, I see Maggie for who she really is—a spoil brat and a bully. She’s subtle in her approach, but she’s a bully, nonetheless.
And I’m done being her victim. I’m done being anyone’s victim. And I sure as hell am done playing victim to my own mistakes. If people like Maggie can make demands for the things she wants, then so can I.
It’s time to not only own up to my actions, but to fight for what I want.
“Well, I guess I’ll find out any minute now.” I push past her and head to the door. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with Dr. Carver.”
“Wait, what?” she calls out.
I don’t answer her. I refuse to explain myself to her. I don’t have to, and I never will.
“Clover, what are you doing?” She runs past me and blocks my path to the stairwell.
“I’m going to my meeting with Dr. Carver.” I push her out of my way and open the door.
“What are you going to tell him?” When I look back at her, I have to fight back my laughter. Her entire demeanor has changed. She went from a bold, threatening woman to a scared little girl.
“Did you know the university doesn’t have a no fraternization policy? They have a few rules in place to protect students from falling prey to faculty, but nothing that forbids co-workers from dating. Or faculty from dating students as long as the students are agreeable to it.”
Her eyes widen. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying Dr. Rosi and I didn’t do anything wrong. University policies do not forbid us from dating. So, you have no leverage.”
“That can’t be right.” She looks confused. “You can’t date your advisor.”
I smile. “That part is correct. I will have to find a new advisor, but that’s easily remedied. Now if you’ll excuse me, Dr. Carver is waiting.”
She calls out my name again, but I don’t stop. I’m done listening to her. I’m done letting people like her and the members of the media dictate my life. From this day forward, I am in control of my future.
Dr. Carver waves me in as soon as he sees me heading toward his door. He smiles and points to a chair. “Please sit. What can I do for you today?”
“Thanks for agreeing to see me on such short notice.”
“Anything for you.” He closes the folder in front of him and sets it aside, giving me his full attention.
“I’m glad you said that because this might be a very big ask.” I let out a puff of air and squeeze my hands together.
His smile fades. “Is something wrong?”
“Well …” I tilt my head from side-to-side as I think about how to answer him. “Yes, and no?”
He raises his brow. “Is that a question?”
I let out a nervous chuckle. “Sorry, sir. Despite working through this conversation in my head all morning, I’ve no clue where to begin.”
He nods in understanding. “Why don’t you start with the first thing that’s bothering you.”
“Okay.” I think for a second and then blurt out. “Maggie found the pictures of me in Cambridge.”
“Oh.” His eyes widen and he sits back in his chair.
“Yeah.” I sigh. “And she’s trying to blackmail me into quitting the program.”
His look of surprise turns to one of anger. “She can’t do that.”
“She said she’d release the picture and article to the entire department if I didn’t quit and give her credit for all my work.”
This makes him laugh. “As if anyone would believe she conducted your research. She’s a smart girl, but she’s not at your caliber.”
“Thank you, sir.” His confidence in me makes me smile and eases some of the anxiety I have over this next truth I must share. “But there’s more.”
“More?”
I nod. “So, I might also be … Well, you see, I started … The thing is …”
“Clover, just spit it out.” He encourages me. His tone is so gentle and concerning. It’s the exact opposite of what I was expecting to get from him.
“I may have unintentionally entered into a relationship with Dr. Rosi,” I say quickly.
He quirks a brow. “Unintentionally?”
“I met him before I started. He was just Donnie, a nice man I met at a bar whom I happened to like very much. I didn’t know who he was or else I never would have …” I stop myself from saying hooked up with him and quickly change course, “gone out on a date with him.”
I drop my head and cover my face with my hands too embarrassed to meet his stare.
“Gone out with him?” he questions.
I nod.
“Clover, look at me.” I lift my head but can’t make eye contact. “Are you saying you and Dr. Rosi are in an intimate relationship?”
“Yes.” I answer honestly and without hesitation. That’s why I came to him in the first place.
“Shit, Clover.”
My eyes snap to his at his word choice. I don’t know Dr. Carver that well, but as I friend to my dad I didn’t expect to hear him curse.
“Don’t look at me like,” he says with a small smile. It puts me at ease. “I curse sometimes.”
“I know this is a complication.”
“That’s one way to put it.”
“But it’s fixable,” I say with confidence. “I’ve read the fraternization policy, and we’re allowed to date as long as he’s not in my direct line of command.”
“This is true.” He agrees.
“It’s a setback, but one I’m willing to accept as long as it doesn’t hurt his career. He’s a good man, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself if he gets in trouble.”
“Have you two been dating all this time?”
“Not in the beginning.” I admit. “We put an end to things when we discovered this connection. We tried to keep things professional, but we failed.”
“I see.” He sounds so disappointed, and it hurts.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Carver. The last thing I want is a repeat of Cambridge. I can’t live through that again.”
He waves me off. “This isn’t that big of a deal. I just wish you were honest from the beginning. It’s going to be harder to explain this without telling everyone why you’re changing advisors, but we’ll work it out.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
He shrugs. “It comes with some complications. It shouldn’t set you back in your timeline to graduate. But it could affect Dr. Rosi’s tenure timeline. He’ll need to find a new student, and that likely won’t happen until the fall semester.”
“That’s exactly what I was trying to avoid. I don’t want my actions to ruin his chances of getting tenure.”
“Don’t take all this on yourself. He’s equally to blame for this situation. But I wouldn’t worry too much about that. He’s young, ambitious and very intelligent. He’ll bounce right back.”
I nod and try to relax, but it’s next to impossible. “Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”
He smiles as he leans forward and rests on his elbows. “I take it your parents don’t know.”
I shake my head. “Dad suspected something that day Dr. Rosi came up to us at lunch, but I lied through my teeth.”
Dr. Carver laughs. “Well, if you want my help to convince your father that Dr. Rosi is a lucky man to have you, I will.”
“Thank you, sir. But after all this, I’m not sure Dr. Rosi and I will still be dating. He wasn’t very happy with me when Maggie told him about the scandal. He’s upset I didn’t tell him myself.”
He watches me with narrowed eyes like he’s trying to find the solution for me. “Give it time. You never know how things will turn out.”
“For now, I need to focus on my degree. And he needs to focus on getting tenure. That’s what’s most important.”
“I suppose you’re right.” He checks the time on his watch. “Was there anything else you wanted to discuss? We’ve got plenty of time.”
“No, don’t you think this is enough?” I laugh. For the first time since Maggie confronted me about the scandal, I relax.
Everything is going to be okay. It might not work out exactly how I’d prefer, but we’re all going to be fine.
I just have to figure out how to tell my parents about Donnie.